Taking A Stand For Yourself

If you’ve spent your life trying to be easygoing, endlessly accommodating, or afraid of being “too much,” this guided talk is for you. In this deeply honest audio experience, we explore the subtle ways women learn to shrink themselves in relationships — and the hidden cost of abandoning our needs, truth, and desires in order to keep everyone else comfortable. You’ll learn why taking a stand for yourself can feel so emotionally uncomfortable, how to recognize patterns of self-erasure, and how to begin rebuilding trust with your own voice, boundaries, and inner truth. This is not about becoming selfish or harsh — it’s about becoming more honest, more connected to yourself, and more fully present in your own life.

Transcript

I want to start out by calling out something that I think so many women were taught to quietly pride themselves on. Being low maintenance. Being easygoing. Not asking for too much. Not being difficult or needy. Being the flexible one. Being understanding and ever-reasonable. Being the one who says, Whatever works, Or. . . No worries if not. And on the surface, These things sound like genuinely good qualities. Because of course, There's nothing wrong with being adaptable, Generous, Thoughtful, Or caring. But the truth is, We've been so conditioned to blur the line between being loving and adaptable. And abandoning ourselves, Sometimes to the point of self-erasure. We feel invisible in our own lives, If not for what we do for those around us. And I think many of us learned very early on That being lovable meant being easy. Easy to please. Easy to accommodate. Easy to be in relationship with. We don't rock the boat, And that keeps everybody comfortable. We learn to carry our own mental and emotional load on our own so as not to burden others with our emotions, Our needs, Our preferences, Our desires, Or discomfort. I remember from a very young age absorbing this idea that it was somehow impressive to need very little. I heard adults in my life talk down to women who wanted too much, And it was imprinted that wanting and asking were inherently too much. Best not to have desires and preferences, Or it may come off as demanding. That if I wanted to be loved, Or chosen, Or seen as desirable, The easier going, Lower maintenance, The better. TV and movies reinforced this, Too. Women who openly wanted things, Who had standards, Preferences, Emotional needs, Or high expectations were often portrayed as unlikable, Dramatic, Irrational, Or exhausting. Better to be a Donna than a Jackie. Better to be the cool girl, The easygoing girl. The girl who didn't ask for much. And the women who did ask for more were often turned into caricatures. So exaggerated in their neediness or demands that we learned to instinctively distance ourselves from those traits. We learned very early on that if we wanted to be chosen, We should probably become easy. We grew up seeing women praised for being selfless, Honored for self-sacrificing, And at the same time we're taught that being high-maintenance is embarrassing, Difficult, Unreasonable, Or too much. So many of us became deeply uncomfortable with our own needs, Not because we don't have them, But because somewhere along the way we learned that having needs might cost us connection and love. So we buried the needs and opted for the role of the easygoing gal, The cool girl. And this can show up in such small, Subtle ways that we barely even notice we're doing it. Maybe it's saying yes when you really want to say no. Maybe it's pretending you don't care where you go to dinner. Maybe it's overloading yourself with responsibilities because you don't want to let anyone down, Even when you're on the verge of burnout. Maybe it's wanting more communication from someone you're dating, But when they fail to meet that need, Rather than explicitly ask for the need to be met, You spiral on the question of whether you're being too needy, Whether you're asking for too much. You may start to pick apart your need or desire. Reasoning that maybe it really was more than necessary, And you don't really need it. It's all good. Maybe you've said, Whatever is easiest. Over and over again. Until eventually you realize your entire life has become organized around not inconveniencing other people. And I think one of the hardest parts is that this pattern can feel virtuous. It can feel like maturity, Like kindness, Like being good. But underneath it? There's often a quiet self-erasure happening. And over time, Many women begin to feel the consequences of that. Invisible. Resentful. Emotionally lonely? Disconnected from themselves. And I want to say this clearly before we go any further. Having needs does not make you needy. It makes you human. It's time we stop glorifying the persona of being the easy-going, Low-maintenance woman and claim a little space in our own little corner of the world. I have needs. I have standards. I have expectations for the kind of life and relationships I want. And while I may not always express those perfectly, I'm no longer willing to abandon myself in order to keep everyone else comfortable. And taking up space in the world does not mean becoming selfish or demanding. Sometimes it simply means becoming honest about what is true for you. Instead of constantly shaping yourself around everyone else's comfort. And the thing is, When we spend years minimizing ourselves, Making ourselves easy, Trying not to inconvenience everyone, Trying to keep the peace or avoid being too much, It doesn't actually make our needs disappear. It just disconnects us from them. Or teaches us to override them so quickly that we stop fully recognizing what we even want. And eventually, Many women start to feel the cost of that. It can start to show up as a quiet resentment, The kind that builds slowly over years of saying yes when you mean no. Of accommodating carrying all the emotional labor, Years of telling yourself that it's not a big deal or I can handle it, It's all good. Until one day. You realize you've spent so much time trying not to inconvenience everyone else that you've become deeply disconnected from yourself. And I think this is part of why so many women feel emotionally activated when we see another woman fully honor herself. A woman who says no unapologetically or asks directly for what she wants. A woman who clarifies when she is misunderstood. This can seem almost abrasive on the surface. When we've been living in a way that puts everyone else first for far too long? Sometimes we see a woman put herself first and it leads to us immediately judging her. I can't believe she said no to that. Wow, That sounded really demanding. She's a lot. I have a friend whose partner wanted to invite all the friends over to their house and she ended up telling everyone that it wouldn't work. Because she was feeling tired and the group had to find somewhere else to hang out. I was surprised and honestly pretty impressed. I don't think at that time in my life I had ever said no to something that, Quote, Everyone else, Unquote, Wanted that maybe I wasn't up for. I actually wouldn't have even known to check in with myself to see if it was a yes or a no. And when it comes to being surprised by a woman standing up for her needs, If we're honest, Sometimes the intensity of our reaction is revealing something deeper. Because a part of us wants that too. A part of us aches for that freedom, That permission. That is self-honoring. And when we've spent years suppressing our own needs, Desires, Preferences, And boundaries, Seeing someone else embody what we've denied ourselves can feel deeply confronting. And this doesn't just affect us internally. It shapes our relationships. Because relationships built around self-abandonment eventually become unsustainable. Especially when one person has spent years shape-shifting, Over-accommodating, Minimizing or quietly carrying resentment without fully expressing what's true for them. I genuinely believe this is part of why so many women reach a breaking point later in life. Why? How they say when a woman is done she's done and Sometimes this can leave her partners wondering how she was able to move on so quickly, Because she's been done for so long, Because she's felt the pain of self-abandonment for so long, And she can no longer unsee what she now sees. These women begin to realize, I cannot live like this any longer. And often, When a woman finally starts taking a stand for herself, It disrupts the existing dynamic. Because people around her may have become accustomed to the version of her that said yes. The version that accommodated or absorbed discomfort quietly. The version that bent around everyone else's needs. And when that begins to change, There can be friction. Not because taking up space is wrong, But because changing relational patterns is uncomfortable. Especially if you've spent years believing your job was to maintain emotional equilibrium for everyone around you. And I want to say something important here. Taking a stand for yourself does not mean becoming harsh. Or selfish or bulldozing other people's needs. It simply means recognizing that your needs matter, Too. That your desires matter too. That your no matters and you are allowed to express it, Even if it inconveniences someone. Your experience deserves space in the relationship you have with your own life. And sometimes the first step in reclaiming yourself is simply becoming honest about where you've disappeared. And I think this is important to understand. Even once we begin recognizing these patterns. Once we begin realizing how often we abandon ourselves. That doesn't automatically make it easy to stop. Because taking a stand for yourself can feel deeply uncomfortable at first. Like, Honestly, Physically uncomfortable. You say no to something, And suddenly. . . Your chest tightens, Or you feel a pit in your stomach that borders on nausea. You ask directly for what you want, And immediately you feel exposed. Naked. You express a boundary, And then instantly you feel the urge to soften it. Explain it. Backtrack Rescue the other person from feeling disappointed. And this is where I think we can unintentionally get stuck or fall off track. We likely spent so long not speaking up that we think the speaking up is the work? And it is. But the space after we've taken the stand? That's where we get tested, And may find ourselves circling the same lesson many times. And honestly, That's okay. It does get easier. I remember once saying to a friend about a year or so ago that I feel like my whole freaking full-time job is having uncomfortable conversations. I was relearning to show up in the world for myself and the people around me, The ones who had benefited from my old way of being. Or pushing back. It was growing pains on both sides, But I promise, It got easier. And honestly, Most of the people who pushed back in the beginning stuck around. Even after I did the uncomfortable work of changing the dynamic. So if you've been operating within patterns where your role was to maintain emotional equilibrium and keep everyone comfortable, Or to shape yourself around other people's reactions. When you stop doing that, Your nervous system reacts. People push back. It can feel like you're being mean. Or unreasonable. But this simply is just because you're breaking an often decades-old dynamic. And often, You've learned to associate self-expression with relational risk. This is why so many women struggle in the moments immediately after expressing themselves honestly, And then find themselves backtracking or softening the expression. Because what often happens after we've expressed our truth is we energetically temperature check the other person. We look for signs. Are they upset? Did I disappoint them? Did I create tension? Do they still like me? Am I too much? And if the emotional temperature suddenly feels uncomfortable, We often immediately try to recalibrate. We over-explain or soften the boundary. Or minimize the need. We might say, But it's fine if not. Or no worries if it doesn't work. It's not a big deal. I still catch myself adding those disclaimer phrases to texts where I'm asking for something. And thankfully, I've learned to slow down to review how I'm communicating. And can often delete that part of the message before it's been sent. Not because it's not okay if someone isn't open to meeting my need. But simply because I finally recognize that it's no longer my responsibility to apologize for existing or to invite someone to affirm to me that my needs are too much. I leave it to them to determine their yes and their no, And it's my job to speak my truth. So one of the most powerful practices we can begin developing is learning how to tolerate the pause after expressing ourselves honestly. The pause after the now. The pause after the request. The pause after you maybe have disappointed someone. The pause where your nervous system wants to rush in and fix everything. Soften everything. Take it all back. Because that pause is often where the real work begins. Not in becoming aggressive or hardened or uncaring. But in learning that you can survive the discomfort of taking up a little more space in your own life. That you can survive someone being disappointed. That someone else's experience is their responsibility and yours is yours. It's not your job to manage theirs. You can survive not being endlessly accommodating, Or even being misunderstood sometimes. I remember for the first year or so after I started setting clearer boundaries with my ex in our co-parenting journey. He would often push back and say things that implied that I was being selfish or unfair. And I had a mantra for myself. I know who I am. I said that to myself frequently because when I felt like he was perceiving me as though I was mean, Selfish, Or unreasonable, It was easy to start to second-guess myself and want to prove that I was a good person. But what I realized was that I was a good person, And I knew that. I had countless people who knew that. And I needed to remind myself of that when the discomfort of disappointing someone felt unbearable. I know who I am. Your needs do not become invalid simply because someone else feels uncomfortable hearing them. Sometimes taking a stand for yourself is incredibly simple. It looks like, No, That doesn't work for me. And then, Letting the silence exist. Without rushing to rescue anyone. From the discomfort of your honesty. And if you take nothing else from this, I want you to know, Taking up space does not happen all at once. It's not one giant, Fearless moment where suddenly you stop caring what anyone thinks and become perfectly expressed overnight. Most of the time, It happens in very small, Quiet moments. Moments where you pause long enough to check in with yourself before automatically saying yes. Moments where you let yourself admit, That actually doesn't work for me. Sometimes excruciatingly uncomfortable moments when you realize you said yes when it was actually a no for you. And now that you're speaking up for yourself, You know you have to go and take your yes back. Slowly, The times where you have to go change course because you didn't listen to yourself the first time? Get fewer and farther between, Because you start to have moments where you ask for clarification instead of pretending you understood. Or where you begin to have a standard answer of, Let me get back to you on that before making any commitments. This journey can feel tremendously messy at first. And for a while. But with practice, Our skills develop and our ability to tolerate discomfort expands. We find that we survive people being upset with us, And we live to see another day. Crazy, Right? You'll get better practiced at allowing yourself to want more. And you'll feel a sense of neutrality about your neediness. Of course you have needs. That's a part of your humanity. We all have them. And honestly, You probably won't make this transition perfectly. I still don't. There will be moments where you backtrack. Or were you overexplained? Moments where you realize halfway through a conversation that you've abandoned yourself again. That doesn't mean you're failing. It means you're learning. And your awareness is when to be celebrated. You're building new relational muscles, New emotional tolerance, New patterns. And every time you pause long enough to notice what's happening, Every time you honor your yes and your no a little more honestly, Every time you allow yourself to take up just a little more space in your own life. You begin rebuilding trust with yourself. And that trust is so important. Because the goal here is not to become hard or self-centered or impossible to be in relationship with. The goal is to become more honest, More connected to yourself. More willing to acknowledge what's true for you, Even when it's uncomfortable. And I think many women have spent so much of their lives trying to become the easiest person to love that they've never stopped to ask, Do I actually expect others to be easy in order for me to love them? We hold ourselves to these impossible standards when, In actuality, We have real, Lived experience of loving, Needy, Difficult people simply because they are worthy and they matter. What would it feel like to trust that your needs do not make you unworthy? That your boundaries do not make you selfish. And that your desires do not make you unreasonable. You are allowed to exist as a full human being. Not just as someone endlessly accommodating everyone else around you. You get to have preferences. You're allowed to disappoint people sometimes. You are celebrated for asking more, For changing your mind. You get to say no. You get to take up space in your own life. And maybe this week, That simply looks like noticing. Noticing where you override yourself or where you soften your truth. Where you immediately rush to manage someone else's discomfort. Or where your body tightens after expressing a need. These are opportunities to begin reconnecting with yourself. Because awareness creates choice. And the more honestly you begin listening to yourself, The harder it becomes to disappear inside your own life. So this week I want to invite you into a practice. Before responding automatically. Pause. Check-in. Ask yourself. Is this actually a yes for me? Is this actually a no? What do I really want here? What am I afraid might happen if I express that honestly? And then Practice staying with yourself. Even in the discomfort. Even in the silence. Even when your nervous system wants to rush in and make everyone else comfortable again. Because you deserve to exist in your authenticity, Within your relationships. And your life deserves the presence. Of the real you.