Be Your Best Friend

One of the most painful states to be, is being in, shame about our own person: who we believe we are, and what we have done. Addiction will do that to those who suffer from it - every time. This story-meditation is an intimate journey through the decision to forgive ourselves - separating addiction from personal behavior - to lovingly lay down fear and shame and to begin the process of healing.

This meditation will help anyone who is currently in recovery, but will be especially healing to those at the beginning of the journey. Life after addiction is a tapestry of incredible possibilities, but we need new paths to navigate it - beginning with tools for early sobriety. Come back to this meditation as a tool to re-ground yourself on your path to recovery. Come back here to remember you can be your own best friend.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to a story meditation that will help you in the process of healing from addiction My name is Pamela Rueda and I am certified recovery coach and the she recovers coach But mostly I am a person who was deeply lost in addiction for decades and decades I'm delighted to share with you that not only did I recover But today my sober life is a life that is full of freedom Joy connection and empowerment I Deeply believe that we can recover from addiction and then it is our honor and our duty to live a thriving bold incredible life a life of abundance gratitude sobriety a life of connection a Life that makes you proud Welcome the beginning is hard.

This is why today I want to share a meditation that will help you in your process as you explore life and recovery As we begin May I sit beside you?

Right now so that we can talk about what you may be feeling or wrestling with I'm very familiar with how hard it is to have all your feelings bubble up to the surface when you quit using Alcohol or drugs as I mentioned before I'm an alcoholic I'm so grateful to be on the path of recovery today I've left the dark nights and the darker days behind For recovery.

I truly have found a new light But I don't forget.

I Don't forget.

I Really don't forget it feels like yesterday when I shivered so full of shame and fear The shame that I carried when I was drinking was more painful than anything anyone could understand You see the world Everyone outside of my skin judged me shamed me blamed me Why couldn't I just quit drinking they asked me?

Don't you see how you hurt us?

They said I did I Did see I?

Did know and I desperately wanted to stop But I couldn't I Did not understand what was happening to me.

I Thought it was me doing all the wrongdoing.

I Heard my voice or what sounded like my voice give me permission to drink somewhere along my busy day and And once I succumbed to the voice I The one that I thought was my voice.

I Would play out the same cycle of drinking and just tapping out from the world.

I did not mean to hurt anyone I did not mean to cause pain.

I did not mean to do all the things I would do.

I Just didn't know how to stop myself from giving myself permission How to stop listening to my voice as it presented drinking as a great idea and then Morning came and filled me with shame with tears With silence and shivering.

I was always full of guilt in the mornings.

I couldn't understand How could I have done this again?

I Would go through my day picking up the pieces from my shattered self just enough to function and Nobody knew how much I hated myself It actually took the voice of my child of my son my beautiful boy nine years old at the time Asking me in fear if I was okay.

I Had just driven us both drunk out of my mind Swiveling all over the road and through the grace of God.

I made it home safe That was ten years ago.

I Still have a very hard time forgiving myself for what I did that night But I have to I Have to forgive myself This is why today I sit with you laying my shame in front of you like a tapestry of pain.

I Lay my fear my guilt a disconnection from my heart The empty space I filled for so many years with loathing.

I Lay it all down before you as an act of honesty and self-compassion.

I Lay it down because it is the only way that I can heal You see at the beginning.

I did not know what I was suffering from.

I Did not know that addiction had taken over my head Given me no chance to be the woman that I so desperately wanted to be I Did not know why society had given a checkmark to celebrate my death I did not know why society had given a checkmark to celebrating with the very same substance,

Which was tearing my life apart.

I Did not know that my body cannot drink normally Even if everyone around me seemed to be just fine enjoying a drink or two I did not know that I am missing that little switch that recognizes when enough is enough.

I Did not know that this was not my choice to control That it was not my fault You see I'm just made that way Where I became that way somewhere along the line and rather than question.

I needed to accept it So I laid in silence It is in silence where it began Where I could make the best and bravest decision of my life the decision to lay down my guilt and shame and Understand that my drinking needed help That my addiction Needed to be defined That I needed to get well not be good get well I Was not a bad person.

I was a person who suffered from addiction There's a difference There's a difference And it is in silence where it all began Can we sit in silence for a minute you and I Can you sit with me as I go back to the moment when it all changed for me Breathe with me I can't breathe Can we be brave together Do you have that same voice in your head the one that I'm talking about Do you feel like maybe my story and yours sound a little bit the same If you are like me will you lay down your shame on the floor next to mine Will you take off the heavy coat of fear we just toss it there beside mine Breathe How does that feel You see I'm gonna share with you a little secret In silence I came to understand that the only way I was going to get out of that hell Out of that darkness was By becoming my best friend It felt like such an impossible task to take Yeah,

Just as simple as that to be my best friend It felt impossible to love me Impossible because I blamed me for me I had to start somewhere And the best place was Self-forgiveness The best place was understanding And as I began to understand I realized the voice of addiction was not my voice I was not my insane thoughts I was not my insane actions That was addiction It lived in me But I needed to figure out how not to let it run the show anymore So in that silence That beautiful silence Among the tears A small smile appeared And my voice My real voice sounded so bold So determined So clear Be my friend Edson Be my friend Be my friend I need you And in that moment I realized the beautiful and complex creature I was In my own broken body In my own broken mind I also Housed a strong Quiet Determined human being A brave one Underneath all the layers that addiction had laid on top of this human being She still waited Patiently For me To hold her lovingly Full of compassion and tenderness She needed me to be her warrior She needed me to fight for her She believed me And she was ready for me To be her friend Breathe with me Are you ready to do that for yourself?

Are you ready to fight for you?

Are you ready to be That bold warrior That you so desperately need?

Are you ready to be your best friend?

Are you ready to show up for you?

Are you ready to toss that shame That blame That guilt The pain The excuses The I will begin tomorrow The this is the last one I promise I swear Your very life depends on it I just shared the secret of how this journey started for me Nobody told me I had permission To love myself Everyone told me I should be ashamed of me For my actions regarding my drinking Maybe not in words but I felt it I felt it coming from the outside And I felt it coming from me Until enough was enough I could be my best friend I could be my best friend I could be my best friend I could be my best friend And you can be your best friend Take a deep breath Close your eyes now Relax your forehead Let your lips curl up with a tiny smile Imagine a pool of light Growing from the center of your stomach Releasing all the pressure in your center All the pressure in your chest Traveling light through your arms And out your fingertips Let go of the heaviness Let it go Now I want to go home I want to go home Now I want to go with you To your favorite place Wherever you pick for us to be Take me there To your favorite place A mountain A beach Where do you want to go?

Let's go Keeping your eyes closed Put your right hand Over your heart And be still for a minute Feel the warmth I am about to tell you The biggest truth anyone will tell you The truth is You're a wonderful person You're complete And beautiful And kind You are so wonderful You are so much love If addiction is part of your life Please know You are not your thoughts and actions Not when you are stuck in the cycle of addiction Please know that Underneath the horrible cycles That play out again and again in your life There is a beautiful human being Waiting for you to be their best friend For so many years You have thought you were the voice That gives you permission To drink or use Just for tonight But that's not true That's the voice of your addiction Reach inside of your soul Can you hear your true voice Calling for you?

Continue to feel the heat Of your hand on your heart What is your heart saying to you?

Are you ready to show up for yourself differently this time?

Are you ready to be your best friend?

Are you ready?

Breathe with me I see you finally decided to take off Your multi-colored coat of pain All of it not just a little bit like before You are ready to show up for yourself All of it not just a little bit like before I see you All of you Look at you how magnificent you are Thank you for letting me see you Thank you for taking off all that shame and pain and unnecessary guilt Thank you for showing up so bravely You are so beautiful You are so brave I'm already so proud of you I'm already so proud of you Come back to my words often as you start Come back,

Sit in silence with me When the world feels shaky and you want to reach out for the drink or the drug Bring your hand to your heart Bring your hand to your heart Think of this place where you and I are sitting together right now Take a few deep breaths and connect to the lightness you feel right now Be your best friend You can do this Wake up your little voice Wake up your little voice Give it permission to be bold To be bright,

To be brave,

To be loud Be your best friend Breathe And let a small smile rest on your lips And because addiction is disconnection You need to reconnect I needed help I needed people to guide me in a program of recovery to help me put my soul back together I arrived into my first recovery meeting broken into a million pieces But I was there to fight I was there to be my best friend Your job,

My love,

Is not to quit drinking or using If you are like me,

That doesn't work Abstinence by itself is not recovery It is misery Quitting drinking or using is the result of finding new tools to navigate life in recovery And building a life from which you don't want to escape is truly the goal of it all Go connect with others who have done it before you Go get some hope Go get instructions A framework to start reconnecting with the light There are many ways to do this and not a single one is right or wrong Whatever works for you is perfect Sitting in silence with yourself,

Getting rid of shame and blame is only the beginning The road ahead will continue to give way to all the feelings that bubble up with early sobriety This is the secret place where you come back to ground yourself,

To ground your heart To drop into the truth of you proudly and gratefully Because this journey gets you growth,

This journey gets you courage This journey makes you a thriving,

Incredible human being Never forget,

You can do this Thank you for the beautiful hard work you did with me today It helped me so much to feel your strength beside me Knowing you're out there sitting with me in your favorite place helps me stay on my path I send you all my love Remember what we discovered together today Now go Drop your shame,

Drop your fear,

No more of that Remember you are choosing to get out of that place and move into a space of healing You can do this my lovely warrior,

You can do this Come back here when you need to recover your ground Recharge and keep going And I will see you on the other side

Reviews

This gives me hope of ending 20+ years of numbing myself. At age 28 I unknowingly married a narcissist who left ME after a decade of abuse and the pain flipped an autoimmunity “switch” and I was in the worst physical and emotional pain. I used cannabis for pain, for sleep and for depression. I am now 50 and I have been tapering off for 2 weeks and all the pain I numbed is here with a vengeance. Yesterday was the day I promised to stop and I didn’t make it…and I let my family think I did. I was so racked with guilt, shame and anger. This meditation hit differently and I realize I need to love myself in order to be successful. Thank you, Pamela. I will be listening to all your content for inspiration and encouragement through this journey.

It was beautiful
Was thinking of the mother of our daughter julia
Abstinence by itself is not recovery its misery
Get a framework to recover ❤️

Thank you so much, dear soul.
I understood you.

My favourite place to be with you is Mallaig (Scotland-U.K.).

This journey just seems so lonely sometimes even though I know that I am not alone. Others are mostly speaking to criticize rather than support. Grateful to have found your voice offering this gentle support and guidance. Thank you very much.

Gracias Pamela, estuve a un paso de recaer hoy, pero en vez de eso he leído literatura de los 12 pasos, contacte compañeros, me puse de rodillas ante mi poder superior y escuché tu meditación… me he salvado, soy mi mejor amigo, gracias 🙏🏽 te amo

I am a recovering addict and I would like to thank you for the gift of this meditation.

Sending you all my love also. Thank you!
Gbless you.
🙏🏽👼🏽🙏👼🙏🏻👼🏻♥️

Simply amazing, 💗💗thankyou for this fellow warrior 💗💗

Phenomenal! I truly needed that! I wasn’t sure where it was going when it started but I guess God knew I needed that message! Thank you!

Thank you for this. I’m in early recovery and your words gave me strength to stay on the healing path. Just for today 😊🙏

That was so beautiful- such an inspiring story. Thank you for your vulnerability and strength

I had the most humbling cry. Thank you for this as I begin my journey from addiction to my truth ❤️.

A deep experienced kind and thoughtful guided meditation. Beautifully delivered.

Thank you for sharing your story, beautiful, brave and honest x 💗🌸🙏

So powerful and I’m listening to this every day and feeling stronger and supported during a very difficult time. Thank you so much.

Your words are always such an inspiration. I was a secret drinker for many years. Not a fall down, DUI drinker, but enough. I am 15 days sober and while I am not craving, I am wracked with guilt about how I held it all in from my family. I drank to forget about my past trauma and abuse as a child/young adult. I’m 57 now. Talk about functioning alcoholic. Your words have begun to heal my heart. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Wishing you the best always. ❤️

I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. Thank you for being so open and sharing your stories and practices. I will definitely be saving this this meditation for future use!

I feel hopeful, encouraged, supported, and determined. Thank you🙏🏻

Thankyouso so much your story is so much like mine .im just beginning my recovery of drugs and binge drinking..im going to follow you.

Beautiful, thank you so much for sharing your journey, a beautifully thoughtful gently guided meditation🙇‍♂️🙏🌈🦋🌱🌺