The Adult Chair Podcast: The Adult Chair Changed My Life - A Conversation With Giovanna

Giovanna was struggling with anxiety and depression and stumbled upon The Adult Chair podcast. Giovanna shares with us how her life changed in 6 short weeks by listening to the show and applying a few simple tools that she gained. She has reduced her anxiety, improved her relationship with her husband and kids and learned how to love herself.

Transcript

Hello,

Everybody,

And welcome to the Adult Chair.

I am Michelle Schalfont.

Well,

So many of you always ask me to have someone on that applies the Adult Chair and uses it in their own life,

And today we have just that.

I have a wonderful guest that has volunteered to come on and talk about how her life changed applying the Adult Chair model.

So I'm thrilled to get to her in one moment.

But first,

Remember,

You can find out more about the show at theadultchair.

Com.

And of course,

Follow us on Instagram and Facebook,

And we have that fabulous Adult Chair closed group.

Come join us there.

And the little tiny bit of business that I want to mention is the Charlotte,

North Carolina Workshop.

That is coming January 26th and 27th.

And if you want to get more information on that,

Go to theadultchair.

Com forward slash workshop.

And I have all the information there.

I've got hotels nearby.

I've got the cost.

I've got what we do every day.

And again,

I just want to remind everybody that might want to come.

You do not ever have to share anything in that group unless you feel comfortable and you will get just as much out of coming.

So come join us in Charlotte,

26th and 27th of January.

So here is what happened.

I obviously have an Instagram account and I do read my social media.

It takes me quite a while to get through all of it,

But I do my very best to read as many of the comments and messages as I can.

So in Instagram,

I got a comment about a week or so ago from a lovely girl named Giovanna.

And I read her comment and I was so touched and blown away.

I said,

You know what?

This girl needs to be on the show because she is using this model so beautifully.

Her story will teach others how to apply this model into their own lives.

And I've never had a session with her.

She's just taken what she's learned from the podcast and applied it into her own life.

And she's changed different aspects of her life or different,

I would say,

Areas of her life from herself to her work life,

To her relationship with her husband and even being a mother.

So her relationship and being a parent with her kids.

So I am thrilled to have Giovanna on the show.

So welcome my darling,

Giovanna.

Thank you,

Michelle.

Thank you for having me on the show.

You are so,

So welcome.

Thank you for being here.

Giovanna and I were talking a moment ago and I think what I'd like to do is start out by reading her message to me on Instagram.

And I'm going to read some of that and then she's going to go ahead and comment on how she really did apply this model.

Okay.

All right,

Giovanna,

Here we go.

So she writes in and says,

Hi,

Michelle.

I'm a new listener and you've changed my life,

Literally.

It's a long story,

But here I go.

This year has been the darkest period of my life.

I was anxious,

Depressed and filled with self-loathing.

Two months ago,

I was on my way to meet a friend and got stuck in traffic,

Which led me to be over an hour late.

And by that point,

I was so angry at myself and the whole situation that I told her I wasn't going to meet her after all.

That made things even worse.

And as I was driving back home,

I just started crying and having an anxiety attack.

I sort of snapped out of it and searched for podcasts on depression and anxiety and yours was the only one that caught my attention and I've been listening ever since.

Your words and wisdom have helped me increase my self-awareness and start being kinder to myself.

I've been able to recognize when I'm not feeling well and to ask the critical questions to determine why and what chair I'm sitting in and move to my adult chair.

Having self-awareness also has helped me notice the type of energy I was bringing to work and how those unresolved issues from the past are affecting my leadership style.

So before I even get into the next topic,

I want to go back to your drive home and traffic when you're at your anxiety attack.

So tell all of us actually,

Was that like a typical thing?

Were you someone that lived with anxiety?

Explain to everybody what was going on with you just in life in general,

Because you talk about some pretty big shifts in your life since you've really started applying some of the tools from the podcast.

So tell us what your life was like before.

Tell us married,

Children,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

Give us a little snapshot of what your life was like prior to the adult chair podcast.

So I'm married,

I have two kids and for the past two,

Two and a half years,

There's been some pretty big changes in my life.

And I think that's when everything started because I didn't really know how to cope with those changes.

I thought I was ready and I thought I did,

But by losing control,

I wasn't really aware of what I was supposed to be feeling and really how to handle those emotions.

And of course I kept suppressing those emotions.

Like I got this,

There's nothing to worry about,

Just move on.

And then I thought,

Okay,

Well maybe this is just part of growing up,

Just becoming older and wiser.

Maybe these are just some of the changes that people go through life.

And again,

Just ignoring everything that was going on,

Suppressing those feelings.

Are you able to expand?

I don't mean to stop you,

But what were some of the things that were going on that were causing so much stress in your life?

Are you able to share any of that?

So we moved a lot because of my job and I don't really have control over where I move.

I was in a position and I really,

Really loved my job and I was told that I had to move basically.

And that's when everything started because before that I sort of had control of my life,

Of my career and to be told like,

Hey,

Pack everything,

Go.

And by the way,

You don't have a choice.

That's really what started everything.

And it forced me specifically because it forced me to be in a different environment with people that I didn't know,

People that I wasn't comfortable with.

And before that,

What defined me was knowing,

Being the subject matter expert,

Knowing where to find the answers,

And then being at this brand new place where I knew nothing about,

Where I didn't relate to people at all.

It just kind of starting affecting me because I started thinking,

Well,

What is wrong with me?

Why can I connect with these people?

And so before performance was no longer a validation for me because it wasn't there.

I wasn't the subject matter expert.

I felt like I had nothing to bring to the table.

And because of that,

I didn't find self-worth.

Does that make sense?

Yeah,

For sure.

So,

Yeah.

So your self-esteem was going down and your self-worth and yeah.

So a lot of self-doubt.

And so it sounds like you were kind of spiraling down.

And at first I was like,

Okay,

Well,

This is not right.

And I understood that some of the changes would happen because of the job change.

But I went to the doctor.

I went to health,

Like a medical,

I can't think of it.

And they basically said,

Oh,

You know,

It's just,

You have too much going on.

It's just work.

If you keep feeling that,

Just come back.

And to me,

It was very discouraging.

Right.

They're supposed to be the people that they're supposed to be helping us.

And so did they even say to you,

Like,

You got anxiety or you see?

No.

Okay.

None of it.

None of that.

None of that.

Okay.

And so actually I went back because I,

It just kept going downhill.

I went back,

I would say eight or nine months ago.

And I went there because I told them I was having a hard time focusing on my tasks.

And I felt like my soul was leaving my body.

Like there's just not in sync.

Right.

Like,

My,

My soul was just rushing out of my body and my body just couldn't keep up.

Like my mind was always going.

And what they said was,

Well,

You know,

Have you been drinking a lot of coffee lately?

And like,

Yeah,

Yeah.

And so,

You know,

At that point,

I'm just like,

Okay,

I'm going to go.

It's like,

Like I just shut down and I'm like,

Okay,

Are you serious?

I'm coming to you with real concerns with what I think are real concerns.

And you're telling me it's because I'm drinking coffee.

Yeah.

Well,

You know,

Just go back,

Scale down the coffee,

Don't drink as much coffee,

Especially in the afternoon.

And then we're going to refer you to a psychiatrist where they can prescribe your medication.

And every time I go to the doctor,

I'm very open.

I don't want medication.

Right.

I want to understand why this is happening instead of just treating it.

Right.

And so they told me to follow up with a psychiatrist and I didn't.

I just ignored it.

And I was like,

Okay,

Whatever.

I'll just figure it out on my own,

Which it wasn't the best idea,

But it sort of helped me get to where I am now.

Sure.

So did they ever say to you like,

Giovanna,

It sounds like you've got anxiety or you sound.

.

.

Why were they referring you to the psychiatrist?

What were they diagnosing or what did they think was going on with you?

They didn't say.

Well,

We can see that you may have some ADHD symptoms and so we can give you the medicine for it.

I don't want medicine.

I want to know.

That was helpful.

Right.

Like I want to know what's going on.

Exactly.

We want the root issue.

I'm so tired of the band-aid approach.

Anyway,

I will not get on that soapbox.

So continue on.

So prior to that,

I was away from my family for a year and that was very,

Very difficult.

And I would say of that whole two and a half year period,

That was obviously the hardest.

Mostly because when I went there,

I was having all these emotions.

And before I even left my family,

I kept thinking,

You know what?

I know it's going to suck to get away from them.

And I'm just going to bury myself at work,

Just focus on working and do that.

So from the beginning,

I wasn't even planning on feeling my emotions.

I was just planning on suppressing it.

Yeah.

Well,

I mean,

Nobody really teaches us to feel our emotions.

So that's how you know how to do.

Where did you have to go?

Where did you move to that you were so far away from your family?

I went to South Korea.

Oh,

You were really far from your family.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

So while I was there,

I had some challenges at work because again,

After going back to my previous job prior to going to Korea,

I had gained the trust and respect of my peers and my subordinates,

My leaders.

And I felt like I was doing well.

And I went to Korea and not only was I dealing with all these emotions from being away from my family,

But also at work,

I felt like,

Again,

I had to start over.

I had to prove myself.

And by that point,

My performance had been my validating factor.

Sure.

Sure.

And so having to start over and I basically lived in the adolescent chair when I was in Korea.

I lived there.

I lived.

How so?

Specifically with work,

I used to,

I would say I was in makeup stories in my mind.

Like,

Well,

This person said this,

So that this must mean that,

You know,

X,

Y,

Z,

Even though I didn't know that.

Right.

And I think the people I related to also validated those stories in a sense.

We validated each other.

Sure.

And so that sort of made it worse because it just led me to see things that maybe not that they were not there,

But they were,

I saw things worse than they actually were.

Yeah.

They were exacerbated.

They were blown up and they weren't even that as bad as what was happening.

And I'm hearing,

I mean,

Sure,

Maybe you had some focus issues,

But I'm making a guess because I'm not in your body,

But it sounds like you just had a lot of anxiety,

Even with maybe some depression,

If I had to guess.

Correct?

Okay.

What were your physical symptoms?

What was going on with you?

Well,

At some point I even had to go to the ER because I had heart palpitations and they couldn't,

Yeah,

They couldn't figure it out.

And I had a monitor for 24 hours.

They couldn't find anything.

And they just said,

You know,

Just,

You know,

Come back if you're feeling it.

I'm like,

Okay,

Well,

I guess I make it.

So nobody ever is saying to you,

You know,

Giovanna,

Maybe this could be some anxiety.

Let me listen to you.

Let me know what's going on.

I know.

Absolutely not.

In fact,

One of my friends at work,

He was having the same issues and they told him that,

I guess,

I don't know if maybe he had a different doctor,

Maybe he was more vocal about it,

But he was like,

You know,

I was having these symptoms,

Heart palpitations,

And this happened.

I was like,

Oh my God,

That's what's happening to me.

Yeah.

Wow.

But yeah,

And a lot of times when I was off work,

I just wanted to stay in my room.

Of course,

Isolate.

Yeah,

Do absolutely nothing.

And food too.

For some reason,

I'm not really a big pasta person,

But for some reason I just said,

You know what,

Pasta is my comfort food.

So anytime I was feeling depressed because I was away from my kids or if I miss a big event,

An important event,

I would just go to this place that had these pasta bowls in a bread bowl and it was just amazing.

I feel horrible afterwards.

But we crave that because it releases the serotonin.

That's what happens.

So of course,

Unconsciously,

We want as much pasta and bread as possible.

It feels so bad.

Yeah.

Okay.

So you didn't tell us,

How old are your children?

They're eight and 12.

Oh,

So they're younger ones.

Okay.

So now you're in Korea,

So all this is happening.

So bring us back home and then come back to your Instagram post,

Unless there's something big or else that you want to share.

No.

So I came home and by that point,

My ego,

My pride,

My drive was just,

It was gone.

And so I felt like I couldn't connect with my new team because I felt like anytime anything negative was said,

It was directed towards me.

And again,

I'm going back to making up stories and as I'm getting ready,

Any sort of negative interaction that I've had,

If I'm a supervisor,

I have to deal with so many personnel issues and some of them are directed towards me because I have to make the unpopular decisions.

It doesn't always go well.

But I felt like,

You know,

It was a direct reflection of who I was and not necessarily of the environment.

Right.

And so in the mornings,

As I'm getting ready,

I'm like,

Oh,

You know,

Now I have to go deal with this.

And I bet you this is what's going to happen because in my mind,

I wanted to be prepared.

I didn't want to get caught off guard.

And so what I realized is that by the time I got to work,

I was so tense.

And obviously people feel that energy.

And so I couldn't connect with them.

Of course not.

No.

Oh,

This does not sound like a good place that you were in.

No.

Not at all.

So I went to meet a friend and I was late.

And again,

This goes back to me feeling like I can even be in this place on time.

And what is she going to think?

What is she going to say about me?

I bet you she's thinking this.

I bet you she's thinking that.

And it just got to the point where it was just too much.

Overwhelming.

It sounds like the stories in your mind were just going around and around and around beating up on you even more.

So yeah.

And then what happened?

And so I just told her,

I was like,

You know,

I'm sorry,

I can't make it because I know she came from out of town.

And so I just felt terrible.

And I was like,

I'm sorry,

I can't make it.

I feel like even if I had met with her,

I probably wasn't my best self.

So I don't know,

Maybe it was a good thing.

But I just started crying and I'm like,

I can't believe I did this again.

I'm saying so many things to myself about myself.

Just hurtful things,

Right?

I don't remember where I saw this.

Like if you wouldn't say it to your friend,

Don't say it to yourself.

Well,

I was the complete opposite.

I was just saying things that I wouldn't say to anybody.

So I just started crying and doing all this and sort of snapped out of it.

I'm like,

I can't do this,

Right?

I have to get help.

Obviously,

The doctors are not willing to help me.

And so I searched for the depression podcast because at the moment,

That's what I thought was the only issue.

I kept scrolling and I saw yours and so I started listening to it.

And everything started making so much sense.

Just because I didn't know what the feelings were doesn't mean that they weren't there.

But your podcast and the information that you provide helped me label those emotions and understand what was going on.

Do you remember the one that you ended up pulling up that night in the car?

It was the very first one.

I went all the way back.

Oh,

So it was the intro.

Perfect.

Yeah.

I tell people to listen to the first four when they start the podcast.

Oh my gosh.

So it was the very first one and that one made that much sense to you.

Like it was.

Oh my God.

It's so cool.

Yeah.

What a story.

So all of a sudden you had hope,

It sounds like.

Yes.

And I think to me,

The most important part is that after my mind,

All these stories,

Making up all these stories and just assuming what people thought about me,

Just going back to the adult chair and just saying,

Okay,

Well,

What is true?

Did they actually say this?

Or just finding the truth helped me just ground myself and go back and just say,

Okay,

Well,

They didn't say this,

So you're just going to assume that they didn't because,

Well,

Obviously they didn't.

So stop overreacting and just really just being kinder to myself.

If I make a mistake,

Just understand this is not a reflection of me as a person.

It's just a mistake.

Like we all make mistakes,

Right?

Oh my gosh.

And I think another podcast,

I don't remember the name,

But you mentioned that we should say positive things about ourselves,

Like to ourselves,

Like,

Oh,

You did this,

You're a good mom.

And so I've been doing that.

So like,

Oh look,

I made breakfast,

I made lunch for my son.

I got up early and made lunch for my son.

Good job,

Mom.

You're a good mom.

Good for you.

Yes.

It's self-validation.

I don't understand why people think it's okay to beat up on ourselves.

When I tell somebody or when I say to them,

Hey,

What would happen if you said something really kind to yourself?

Oh no,

I don't deserve it.

I don't get it.

But yet all day long,

We have these negative thoughts fired.

Why is that okay?

And not saying one nice thing.

It's backwards,

Isn't it?

Right.

It is.

Yeah.

So,

Oh my gosh,

I love this.

This is so good.

So you started out,

You loved the whole idea of let's live in fact and truth and you became what I call a storybuster.

It's like stories and assumptions,

Man,

They take us down a really bad road.

But when we can stop ourselves and say,

Okay,

Wait a minute,

Was that true?

No,

None of what I'm thinking is true.

So that changed,

Started changing.

So what did you notice with anxiety,

Depression,

Focus issues?

So tell us a little bit more about your journey.

So I'll give you another example.

So I was traveling and my boss was,

I was about to come back home and my boss was texting me about the things,

Different things that were going on back at work.

And I would say like 10 minutes later,

I caught myself just feeling anxious and I was like,

Okay,

Well,

What's going on?

And sort of backtrack a little bit,

Trace my steps to see what was making me feel that way.

I'm like,

I was fine before.

And then I kind of narrowed down to the last 20 minutes.

And then I realized,

I'm like,

Oh,

I keep thinking about all the problems that work and it's bringing me to the future in a negative way because I'm preemptively thinking about all the problems that I'm going to have to deal with when I get to work.

And I'm not in this moment right now.

Back in the adolescent share girl.

Yes.

And so I was like,

Okay,

Well,

Calm down,

Be in this moment.

You don't know what's going to happen yet.

You'll deal with that when you get there.

And yeah,

I mean,

It's been amazing.

You know,

I hear you just speaking.

So it's like kindness.

You're speaking to yourself with such kindness.

And I also hear another key step to getting in our adult chair is slowing down.

We move so fast in that mind.

The mind moves so fast.

And the more that we live in the adolescent share and the more we're reaching for stories and assumptions,

And it's almost like we're in a dream state.

You know what I mean?

Like we're in this unconscious place of constantly building stories and assumptions.

And the more we do it,

The more stuck we are there.

So we have to almost what I call like waking up out of a dream state because that's what you're doing.

And we cannot do that unless we slow down and go,

Wait a minute.

What's true?

Wait a minute.

Let me speak kindly to myself.

So I love this.

This is such good stuff.

Okay.

What about you talked about even bringing different energy to your workplace.

And you might kind of just talked about that,

How the unresolved issues from your past are affecting your leadership style.

Talk about that just a little bit.

So again,

I allow performance to be the validating factor in my life.

So if I felt like people thought I was doing a good job,

Then I felt that support.

If not,

Then I felt like it was just me as a personality.

Like I just wasn't good enough.

So before I used to take pride in saying,

Oh,

I'm a perfectionist.

Yes.

That's me.

But then I realized I'm like,

That's not a good thing.

It's also from the adolescent chair.

I hate to say that.

Yes.

Yes.

And I wanted to be in control.

I mean,

Controlling people are also perfectionists.

It's one in the same,

You know?

Yeah.

So I wanted to do that.

And because I was so focused on doing things right,

I couldn't connect with people because I wasn't real.

So I couldn't really relate with them.

And I felt like I didn't realize that that was the energy that I was bringing.

But now looking back,

I can see why.

Because if I'm so focused on being perfect,

Who's going to want to connect with me?

Because I'm sure they feel like I'll be judging during them.

So now it's just being more vulnerable,

Being more open about my struggles.

I know that in the past,

I probably would never talk to my subordinates about some of my issues because I don't know,

Maybe that's just not something I was taught.

Or maybe it might not even seem okay.

Right.

And by the way,

Let's be clear,

Because I know some other people work in businesses,

Of course,

That are listening to the show,

Or probably a ton of people are.

When you talk about being vulnerable to a subordinate,

Give me an example.

Because I doubt you're telling them deep dark things,

But I'm not sure what you're telling them.

Oh,

No,

Absolutely.

Exactly.

But I'm hearing you say that you were just being real.

So give us some examples for people that say,

Well,

How can I do that with my subordinates?

Well,

Even sharing the fact that at one point I had anxiety issues and I still do,

And I have to pull myself back and just think about what is true about this moment.

Just be like,

I've actually had this conversation with some of my subordinates.

That was beautiful.

So they know that it's okay to.

.

.

It's okay.

Yes.

You don't have to.

You're not perfect.

It's okay to have issues or I don't know,

I wouldn't say issues,

But you know what I mean?

Well,

They can be issues,

Whatever the heck you want to call them.

People call them all kinds of things,

But it's part of being human.

Right.

I have never met,

Nor have I ever seen this perfect human that everybody's trying to model themselves after,

Right?

It's all fantasy.

It's not real.

So I love that.

So yeah,

Sharing with someone else that you have struggled with anxiety or depression,

Anything like that.

It makes you more human and by the way,

Makes you more relatable.

Right.

Like,

Oh,

Oh,

Okay.

So that's wonderful.

Okay.

So what else?

Is there anything else you want to share about that?

Because you said that self-awareness with work has really helped you,

But I think you just shared some beautiful things.

Was there anything else you want to add?

Well,

I would say even for my relationship with my husband,

Before I used to just get mad,

Right?

And because I didn't even know myself,

I didn't know,

I didn't understand what was going on.

I also couldn't explain that to him.

And so when I would just say,

Please stop doing that,

I didn't know why.

Like I knew it bothered me,

But that was it.

But now I can't understand again,

Just sit back,

Understand why it bothers me so much.

If it's a deeper issue,

If maybe it was something that I did,

I'm projecting on him,

Just really understanding that way I can go back to him and just say,

Hey,

When you did this,

It bothered me because whatever.

Et cetera.

Like fill in the blank.

Beautiful.

That's very adult of you,

My dear.

Very nice.

Very beautiful boundaries.

I like it.

Yeah,

So it's helped me because I know now I can give him context and he can understand me better.

I feel like,

And I can see too,

I can understand him better.

I was going to ask you,

How does he receive what you're saying now?

Because it's different than how you've been interacting with him in the past.

Correct?

Right.

And obviously before I didn't know how to deal with my emotions,

So I would just lash out or just say something really mean.

But now I come to him and calm,

I can explain it to him and he's more receptive instead of just becoming defensive.

Yes.

Love,

Love that.

Because when someone does something that hurts us,

Husband,

Wife,

Whomever it is,

Girlfriend,

Boyfriend,

Partner,

It doesn't matter,

Or that feels like it's hurtful,

Our typical human response,

We either get really quiet,

We don't say anything or within we lash out and yell at them or tell them to go screw themselves or whatever we do.

Or maybe some of us do have conversations,

But so many of us,

We're not good at speaking up.

And I think that we have to learn how to climb into our adult chairs and say,

Okay,

I'm going to let them know how I feel.

That just happened to me this morning.

Actually,

I was in the car with my husband and I had asked him,

I can't let me think about what we were talking about because I'll tell everybody.

I disclose everything to Giovanna.

What the heck are we talking about?

Oh,

I said something to him.

We were in the car together and I had my college age son on the speakerphone in the car and he had made some comment to my son that was more,

In my opinion,

Like a friend versus being a dad.

And I said,

Don't talk to him like a friend,

Talk to him like a dad.

And it wasn't like mean and yelling,

But the way that he heard it was like,

I was criticizing his being a dad.

And then of course we hung up with my son.

He was like,

I'm a wonderful father,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And he was mad.

And then I was mad that he responded to me that way.

So when we got home though,

I said,

No,

No,

No,

No.

I want to change the dance.

I'm always talking on this show,

At least when I talk about relationships,

About how do we change the dance with someone that we're in relationship with?

I don't care if it's a friend,

A partner,

A husband,

A wife,

Whomever,

It doesn't matter.

How do we change the dance?

How do we get them to show up in a new way?

And the way that we do that is we show up differently.

So Giovanna,

You're showing up differently with your husband.

Therefore he's going to respond to you in a different way.

So this morning with my husband,

He said that to me,

He just kind of like,

I call it shutting me down.

Like the way he's like,

Don't say that to me again.

You know,

I'm a great dad,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Which I know he is.

But I didn't like how he said it.

So when we got home,

I walked up to him and I grabbed him by the hands.

This is like all adult chair.

Like this is not something I would have done in the past for sure.

And I just said,

May I talk to you?

I said,

One thing I want to do is always work on bringing us closer.

And I want to share something with you.

And again,

People ask me all the time,

How do I talk to my spouse,

My partner,

My girlfriend,

Boyfriend?

This is how you do it.

You come at it without what I call your sword or your shield up because you can't get someone to have an open heart with you if you have a sword or shield up.

If you're defensive or if you're coming at them,

They're going to go into a defense.

So I walked up to him,

I grabbed him by the hands and I got close and I said,

May I share something with you?

And he said,

Yes.

And I said,

I just want to share with you the way you spoke with me in the car really made me feel unsafe.

And I said,

It makes me want to push back from you and I don't want to do that.

That's not the kind of relationship I want to have with someone that I'm married to.

I said,

I really,

Really want to be closer to you.

So I just want to share with you your response.

When you had that response,

That's how I felt.

It made me feel unsafe.

And then of course,

He said,

That's not what I want to do,

But this is where I was coming from.

We had a very nice conversation and I think like holding his hands and being closer was definitely something that was a game changer as far as getting defensive.

Because if you're like across the room with someone,

They might try to throw up what I would call like that shield or the sword.

And there wasn't any of that.

There's a little bit,

It started going there and then I kind of backed away and then I reached and grabbed his hands.

I said,

I just really want to connect with you in this new way.

He's like,

Me too.

And it was a beautiful conversation.

It was so mature and it was completely adult share.

It was beautiful.

So I love hearing you say that because that's not the old Michelle.

I'm not going to lie about that.

Not at all.

I mean like,

Why the hell did you say that to me?

But I really work on just like you're saying,

And I'm only sharing this because you're talking about it as well.

I want to give people another example.

Slowing down.

And I love how you said,

Giovanna,

That you slowed down and you figure out like what you're feeling and then you express it to him.

That's key.

That's so key.

And that's so vulnerable.

What we're doing when we do that is we're in that inner child and we're sharing our heart with another person.

It's a really vulnerable,

Beautiful thing to do.

And it does connect us with that other person.

So fabulous.

Okay.

Anything else you want to share about that and your relationship with your husband?

No,

I mean,

Still working on it.

And I think we do forever,

But it doesn't it get easier and better?

It does.

It does.

I used to be that person that I used to stonewall him.

When I got mad at him,

I used to just not talk to him because that's what I grew up seeing.

That's what my family would do.

So I thought that's how we dealt with differences.

And now I realize that that's not the case,

Obviously.

But because again,

I didn't understand what was going on in my mind,

I couldn't explain it to him.

Right.

Right.

I mean,

Again,

That's what we do.

We ignore or we stonewall.

It's the same thing.

Like,

I'm just not going to talk to him for the next hour or four days.

Right.

Or,

You know,

As I'm going to shrink or I'm going to punish or I'm going to do whatever.

And it's like that does not connect us with another human being.

And I want to also share and I want to ask your opinion on this.

So making these new choices that you're making even with your husband,

It's not like it's a piece of cake.

Am I correct?

Like it's like it requires conscious thought,

Self-awareness,

And we got to step into our brave adult to say,

Okay,

I really don't want to do this.

It feels a little bit uncomfortable or a lot uncomfortable.

But I know that I want to connect with this person.

So I'm going to do it this way,

Even though I'm afraid and it feels scary.

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to slow down.

For me,

I said,

I'm going to grab my husband's hands.

It's not like it's a piece of cake.

Yes,

It's easier because I've been doing this for a while.

But in the beginning,

And even today,

It's still a little bit.

Uncomfortable.

And that's the adolescent coming in going,

Be careful.

So I sit there and I go,

Yeah,

I'm going to be careful.

But I've got me and I'm connected to me and myself.

So I'm going to be okay.

Do you find that as well?

Like as you do this,

It does get a little bit easier.

But it's like rewiring the brain and teaching the self,

How do I really want to connect with my husband?

Tell me,

Is that different for you?

It's the same.

Obviously,

At first it was a little bit,

It was very difficult,

Actually.

Because it took me longer to realize that I was in that state of mind.

But now I guess before I didn't have a frame of reference of what it should be like.

So now I do.

And I can notice quicker when I'm not myself.

Yes,

Good girl.

Just start exploring.

Like,

Okay,

Well,

Why am I feeling this way?

Why,

You know,

Whatever he said,

Why did it make me so mad?

And then go from there.

But it gets easier.

But it's not always easy.

Yeah,

No,

It's not easy.

Like,

I just want everyone to hear that.

It's not easy.

Because our pattern and what we learned from our parents or our grandparents or whomever,

That's all in our brain.

And the brain says,

So and so,

Whoever you're in relationship with,

Is acting this way,

And they're out to get me.

And they may,

You know,

And again,

The unconscious part of the brain goes,

They're going to kill me.

And I know it's not true.

I mean,

Hopefully not.

So we need to defend ourselves.

The knee jerk reaction is to defend ourselves.

So we have to reach for what I call the next thought.

So when we want to pick up again,

The metaphorical,

You know,

Sword and shield to protect ourselves,

It's like,

No,

I'm going to be in my adult and be conscious and choose to put that sword down.

And I'm going to be present with this person and have a conversation with them,

Even though I may feel like ripping their head off.

Even though I want to rage on them,

Even though I want to throw something at their head.

It's like,

No,

I'm not doing that.

Because that's not what's in my highest good,

Nor is it in the highest good of our relationship.

So we have to remember these things.

Okay.

Now,

You talked about a mother,

Being a mother.

Let me,

I'm going to read what you wrote,

Because that was really cool.

You said,

As a mother,

I was projecting a lot of my issues on my middle schooler.

And boy,

Has your podcast changed that.

I don't want her to have the same issues I had because of my parents.

So I'm trying really hard to be better.

And Sunday,

I listened to How Do We Become Conscious Parents and tried the mirror talk.

And it was so funny how quickly my daughter opened up to me.

That was a great podcast.

Wasn't it?

That was like a miracle for me.

Like,

Whoa,

They really did.

Oh my gosh,

They really do listen.

And I'll put that podcast in the show notes for anyone that wants to go back and listen to it.

But it's unconscious parenting.

So tell us about this.

How have you been projecting your issues on your middle school daughter?

I had,

I would say,

A pretty messed up childhood.

And while going through all these changes in my life,

I noticed that,

I knew that some of them had to do because of the way I grew up because of my parents.

And just listening to some of your podcasts and just thinking like,

Wow,

I'm messing up my kids.

And just thinking like,

I don't want them to have to go through what I went through.

And so just changing,

Reframing the way I talk to them,

Being less critical because again,

I'm that perfectionist.

So not only do I expect it of myself,

I expect it of others.

And sometimes it was unrealistic,

Right?

So just kind of backing off a little bit and understanding that,

You know what,

She's a child,

She's going to forget things and that doesn't define her as a person either.

And also focusing more on the good traits and reminding her so that she's defined by those things.

For example,

She says,

She would come to me and say,

A friend of mine came to me and said this,

And this is how I responded.

I would say,

Well,

You're a good person or you're a good listener or you're a good friend or you're very kind.

So that she starts using that to define herself.

Does that make sense?

Yeah.

So I like that.

So you're validating her qualities and the characteristics about,

Yeah,

I love that for sure.

Yes.

Because I know nobody did with me,

So I'm struggling because of it.

Yeah,

I know.

So this is why we have to do it as adults.

We have to learn how to validate the qualities of who we are because we didn't get that great when we were children.

That's beautiful.

So you've seen some things shift with your daughter as far as your relationship with her goes or what's going on there?

Yes.

I think even just my interaction with her,

Just in general,

Again,

Going back to the energy that I project to just being more open and just talking to her,

I can find out more things that I know for a fact that in the past you probably wouldn't have said to me or shared with me.

And now she does.

And I'm like,

Well,

I can't believe she just said that,

But just not freaking out,

Just understanding that she's going through changes.

She's trying to learn who she is outside from her family.

Yes.

Oh my gosh.

I feel like clapping right now.

You're doing such a good job with her.

That's fabulous.

Yeah.

You're letting her develop into who or is it whom she's here to become?

Because we don't know.

And we do as parents project our crap all over our kids,

Unfortunately,

Because we think we know best for them or what they need to be doing in order to be successful in life.

I'm not saying not to put boundaries up with kids,

But don't put your stuff on them because that is so hurtful for these kids.

And it's okay if you've been doing it just like you,

Right?

And I did the same darn thing.

Just stop it now.

You start becoming what I call a masterful listener and really listen to these kids because they need a sounding board more than anybody.

Those teenage years,

Man,

As you know,

Middle school to high school,

It is hard,

Hard,

Hard.

And again,

Did you listen to the interview I did?

I can't remember her name.

Shelby on raising kids.

No,

It was Teens with Anxiety.

That was a great one.

I haven't listened to that one yet.

I think I listened or maybe I did.

I can't remember honestly.

I will put that one in the show notes too.

That was an amazing one because she talked all about the development of kids.

I mean,

It was really great.

But specifically she talked about teenagers and what's going on in their brains and they need us and they need us not to push them so hard and not to project on them,

But to be there for them as a big giant boulder.

And so they can come and be with us and use us as a safe place.

And we can only do that from our adult.

I love hearing the self-awareness that you've gained here.

Like really,

You're very aware now.

It seems like just you're noticing what chair you're in.

You're noticing when you're in your adult or not in your adult.

I love it.

And I think it's helped me too when I do something wrong.

I say something that I shouldn't to either my kids or my husband to understand what was wrong about it or how I should have approached it and be kinder to myself.

Whereas before I would just be like,

Oh,

You know,

Like you did it again.

I can be really mean to myself.

And I was like,

You know what?

You made a mistake.

Go right the wrong and move on.

Yep.

That's owning your reality,

The other show.

I love it.

Right?

Doesn't it feel good though to go back and go,

Gosh,

You know,

I'm really sorry.

Yes.

When I hurt somebody,

I don't do anything intentional.

I would never intentionally hurt anybody,

But if I do it in something unintentional and hurt somebody,

Especially children or someone in the family,

I'm going to say,

I'm sorry.

And so many of us can't own that and do that.

And that is living in the adult and does it not feel so good?

And then we move on.

Right?

It does.

Yes.

So good.

Yes.

So let us know now.

Okay.

So how long have you been applying this adult chair model in your life?

So I started listening in October.

Okay.

So you're a newbie.

So you've had a lot of big changes and shifts happen just in the last month or so.

Okay.

But I feel so much better.

Oh,

Well that makes me so happy.

How is your anxiety now?

Like what's going on with that?

Before I used to be anxious for a while and just kind of stew on those emotions and now I'm able to quickly recognize it and just get to the root cause and just move on.

I love it.

Yeah.

And I was thinking about that on my drive home the other day,

That I just feel so much peace and just acceptance.

And I would say even love for myself,

Something that I never thought that I would say that.

Okay.

Not kidding.

Like that brings tears to my eyes.

Like it's so beautiful because this is why I put this podcast out there.

It's not for me.

I mean,

I get a lot out of talking about this,

Of course,

But I love hearing that.

I'm so happy to hear that.

Like really from the bottom of my heart,

That makes me so,

So happy.

And so one more thing,

It has even helped me in my spiritual walk because before,

And obviously I'm still working on it,

But when people say,

God loves you and you're his child,

I didn't understand that concept because I didn't grow up understanding that.

And because I don't have self-love,

I can't possibly understand God's love.

Wow.

And yeah,

Now that I can have that,

Right,

I can understand what self-love is and I'm more open,

More vulnerable,

Then I can better understand God's love.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

That's pretty deep and profound,

My dear.

I love that.

Yeah.

How could you relate to someone like a God loving you if you can't even love you?

So it's almost,

It feels like you're almost more open to it or accepting of that.

Oh,

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Wow.

That's incredible.

So what,

I'm going to give you a quiz right now.

I know you haven't been listening for a long time,

But I want to see if you've known,

If you've listened to this one.

Do you know what my explanation is of anxiety?

Oh,

Man.

This is anxiety from the lens of the adult chair model.

And you are living proof that I am right.

So I want to say it one more time because that you are having the experience that I had with anxiety because I had anxiety as well.

So I want to.

.

.

Is it unfelt emotion?

You're almost there.

Yes.

Oh.

Basically,

That's it.

That's it.

So in my opinion,

Anxiety is the physical manifestation of unfelt emotion.

You got it.

You got it.

You got it.

Think about it.

A++,

Girl.

Because think about it.

You're telling me you're anxious and I'm hearing you say you were so stuck in storing assumptions,

Storing assumptions,

Storing assumptions for all this time.

And then what you started doing was slowing yourself down,

Getting in the moment,

Bringing consciousness and awareness.

They go hand in hand together into each moment and learning what you're feeling,

What emotion is coming up.

Right?

So again,

For people that are listening to this saying,

I don't know what emotion it is,

Then just start with a physical feeling because that physical feeling will lead you to the emotional.

.

.

Excuse me.

The physical feeling will lead you to the emotion.

So if you don't know what emotion it is,

Just notice,

Slow down and notice that you have knots in your stomach and be with the knots in your stomach or that you can't breathe or you're having shortness of breath.

Slow down and start to breathe and watch what happens.

So fabulous.

Okay,

My darling.

Is there anything else you would like to share?

I think that's about it,

But really,

I just want to say thank you.

Thank you so much for what you do,

For the information that you provide.

Again,

It's helped me so much.

Yeah.

And I don't even.

.

.

I don't think I have the words to describe it.

Thank you so much.

Honestly,

That really hits my heart in a huge way.

So thank you.

And that's what I'm trying to do with this show is to help as many people as possible.

Just live a.

.

.

Gosh,

Just a better life or life with more self-awareness and more self-love.

That's what it's all about.

And I don't think it's that hard.

But what I realize is in my own journey of hating myself and then learning how to love myself,

There aren't a lot of great tools out there or resources to do this.

And that was my hope of this podcast and you are living proof that it really does work.

So that's exactly why I wanted to have you on.

So thank you so,

So much for being willing to come on and share your story.

And I want to share with everybody too.

And we talked in the beginning of the show before we started recording.

I said,

Okay,

What name do you want to use?

And you were thinking about using a different name.

You're back and forth.

And then you go,

You know what?

No.

I want my own real name.

And I'm going to own it.

And this is just who I am.

And this is my story.

And you said it.

And I'm like,

And I feel proud to own my story.

And oh my gosh,

Again,

Just touches my heart that you're willing to do that.

And thank you because I know you're going to touch a lot of people with your story today.

So thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you,

Michelle.

Gianna,

I have some beautiful Giannas in my life.

And now I have a Giovanna in my life.

So thank you.

All right,

Everybody.

I hope that you've enjoyed this beautiful conversation that Giovanna and I have had today and we so appreciate her being on.

And that's about all we have for today.

I just want to share with you one more time again,

That if you're interested in learning more and you want to learn more about the adult chair in person,

Come and join us in Charlotte January 26 and 27.

And all the information is on the website,

Theadultchair.

Com forward slash workshop.

And I will be with you in one moment sharing the book for today.

Actually,

Let me scratch that completely because there is no audio book today because today I am sharing with you the adult chair book.

I think it's pretty darn appropriate.

Don't you think,

Giovanna?

Absolutely.

Instead of an audio book because unfortunately the adult chair is not on audio and maybe the next big book will be.

But today,

You know what,

You guys,

There is no audio book today.

It's just go to Amazon.

You can get the adult chair book and it is available through Amazon and you can order it for yourself.

And it is a lovely little book on learning how to love yourself.

So just go to the adult chair on Amazon and you can have the book all for yourself and then you can get it internationally too,

Which is pretty cool.

So that's all I've got for everybody.

I will see you seated firmly right here next week in the adult chair.

Have a beautiful week,

Everybody.

Reviews

Very interesting and inspiring! Thank you!

Excellent as usual, very inspiring thank you! 💜x

Beautiful transformation!

Beautiful story many of us can certainly relate to! Much love! 💕