The Adult Chair Podcast: Healing Trauma

Trauma is such a heavy word and when we think about overcoming it, many of us feel defeated or that it could take a lifetime. In today's show we learn otherwise. Courtney Armstrong joins Michelle Chalfant in a discussion of trauma, offering tools that we can begin using today to change our trauma, heal and transform it for good.

Transcript

Hello,

Everybody.

Welcome to the adult chair.

I am Michelle Schelfant and I am very,

Very,

Very,

Very excited today.

We have a very special guest.

Her name is Courtney Armstrong and we're going to be talking about trauma.

I have currently 20 questions for her about trauma that I have pulled from our closed group so we have a lot to talk about today relating to trauma.

And we're going to get to Courtney in one moment,

But first you can find out more about the show at theadultchair.

Com.

You can join the conversation on Facebook or Instagram or Pinterest and make sure to request to join the adult chair closed group on Facebook.

As you know,

This is one of my favorite groups on Facebook.

It is just the place where people come to learn how to live in their adult chair,

Which is the healthiest versions of ourselves.

So one big announcement.

I know I mentioned this last week.

I'm just going to mention it again.

I will be in Charlotte,

North Carolina,

January 26th and 27th doing the adult chair weekend intensive.

If you'd like more information,

Please go to theadultchair.

Com forward slash workshop.

And for the month of November,

There is $100 off.

So sign up soon,

Everybody.

Today we have Courtney Armstrong.

She is a psychotherapist in private practice in Chattanooga,

Tennessee,

And she's the founder of the Institute for Trauma Informed Hypnotherapy.

She trains mental health professionals internationally in mind body interventions for healing trauma and pain.

She contributes to the Psychotherapy Networker and other professional books and journals and has made several radio and TV appearances for her expertise in grief and trauma.

Welcome Courtney.

Thank you.

I'm so excited to be here with you,

Michelle.

I love your show.

Oh,

Thank you.

Well,

Let me tell you,

We are so excited to have you here as a trauma expert because I was just telling you,

I posted a question yesterday morning in the adult chair closed group and I said,

Does anyone have any questions?

I'm interviewing a trauma expert Monday.

Does anyone have any questions?

And it's like inundated with people,

Which made me so even more grateful that you're joining us because there are a lot of people out there that have a lot of questions about trauma and you are the expert.

So thanks again for being here.

Yes.

I love being able to demystify what trauma is,

I almost want to call myself a resilience expert because part of what I really help people focus on that been through trauma is how they survived,

What people get caught up in is the pain of it.

And so part of what I think we'll be talking about today is how to also recognize what you did that has been incredibly adaptive and to your credit to survive and move forward in spite of the pain that you've been through.

And one thing I really like about you and your approach,

And I had met Courtney just in case anyone wants to know a year ago at a training and you were teaching this training and I was so impressed because the types of tools that I resonate with,

Well,

I resonated with everything that your training was all about.

But I like the fact that it doesn't have to be this drawn out therapy for 20 years to heal trauma.

Your approach is quick,

Which I love,

And you get to the point and boom,

We move on.

So I love that about,

I mean,

Those are my words.

I don't know if that's what you'd say it,

But.

.

.

No,

I think that's right.

I mean,

That's my biggest message is you don't have to just dredge through all of that stuff again.

I think living through it once was enough.

So the approach that we're going to be talking about,

It helps you move forward without reliving all of that all over again.

Yes,

Yes,

Yes,

And yes.

A lot of the questions came in around that,

So we're going to get to that.

Okay.

So let's start out.

I thought we'd start out really basic and that is what is trauma?

Can you just define for us what trauma even is?

Yes.

So trauma is anything that you experience that overwhelms your resources to cope at that moment in time in your life.

So most people think of trauma being associated with a war or sexual assault or some kind of violent experience,

But actually what most of us experience in life are what I call these,

Well,

The literature calls them small T traumas,

But they're not small at all.

They're personal relationship traumas where,

For example,

You may have lived with a very critical parent and internalized all these negative messages about yourself and your parent may have loved you,

But it may have been something going on with your parent that affected the way you felt about yourself or the world,

Or it could be you were in a relationship with somebody that had an addiction or raged a lot or someone died suddenly or left you suddenly.

These are things that can be devastating to us as human beings and yet we don't really have a language for it.

Some people think,

Well,

There's a reef over my head and I got my basic needs met or my life wasn't threatened,

So therefore it wasn't a trauma,

But anything that hurts your heart and devastates you emotionally and you don't at that time have the resources,

Skills or insight because of your age or experiences to know how to even process it.

That's trauma.

Okay,

Got it.

And that was one of the things I wanted you to clarify,

Which is the difference between a big T and a little T.

And if you could just say a little bit more about that,

Because I think when people,

And even add to that PTSD,

Because most people think of trauma like you said,

Like something big like a car accident or some sort of violence or killing or being away at war.

Right.

But keep going,

Please.

Yeah.

So a big T trauma in the clinical world usually is something that was life threatening.

Either your life was threatened or someone you care about had their life threatened or you witnessed something in which people died or had their lives threatened.

So that could be war,

But it could be like surviving a major disaster,

Surviving a school shooting,

Surviving a domestic violence situation,

A car accident,

A surgery gone wrong,

A devastating illness.

So any of those things that literally threaten someone's life or it could threaten the life of someone very close to you is what most people would put in the category of a big T trauma.

But a little T trauma is no less severe.

In my opinion,

I find that those have the most insidious effect really,

Because with a big T trauma,

Most people's brains can say,

You know what,

This was a crazy event that has had an effect on me,

But it's an anomaly.

This is something that isn't going to happen frequently.

Small T traumas are those little traumas that happen every day in relationships.

So getting bullied at school,

I mean,

That could also be a big T trauma.

Or like I said,

Living with somebody who's very critical towards you or living in just a chaotic home environment,

Poverty,

Living in poverty,

Not knowing from one day to the next whether you're going to get to eat or whether there's a roof over your head,

Neglect.

And it could be neglect accidentally,

Like your parent has to work two or three jobs and there's just nobody to take care of you as a child,

But your emotional needs aren't getting met or your parents are nice people,

But they don't get how to actually comfort and nurture you or anything where you feel like you're not really heard or wanted or valued.

And that can happen,

You know,

As a child or it can happen as an adult,

Some encounter that you have either in work or a personal relationship that has an effect on us as human beings because it's a traumatic effect because we are pack animals.

We are wired to want to be in connection with one another.

So when you feel banished from a tribe or a pack or cut off from someone you care about,

It literally feels like a threat to your life,

To the emotional part of your brain,

Which things like an animal.

Wow.

And this is a little T.

Yeah.

So it should that should be the big T because the traumas that linger on and on and on over the years of growing up in these households like this,

We all like,

Gosh,

Okay.

Yes.

It's that repetitive,

Repetitive over and over where your body's having to fire off a stress response just because you,

You know,

Things keep shifting or changing or you're feeling like you constantly have to protect yourself.

So then tell us if you could,

What is,

What PTSD is.

So that's a great question.

So PTSD stands for post-traumatic stress disorder.

And interestingly,

Our diagnostic and statistical manual that we use for diagnosis and mental health world,

The diagnosis of PTSD was developed initially for soldiers and veterans.

Right.

And that didn't start until 1980.

So even though there's lots of historical records of people in war having these symptoms,

They called it shell shock or,

You know,

War related stress,

But it wasn't until the Vietnam veterans really were demonstrating these symptoms consistently that they said,

You know,

We need a way to categorize this.

We need to start researching the best treatments for it and how to help people heal.

And then what we have found over the years is that interestingly,

Somewhere around 90% of the United States population has experienced at least one traumatic event in their life.

Wow.

But only about 20 to 30% of people who've been through a traumatic event actually get PTSD,

The full blown version of PTSD.

So even if you look at the Department of Veterans Affairs website,

They say that only about 20% of combat soldiers who've been in combat actually develop full blown PTSD.

Now keep in mind,

Some of that is because soldiers don't always want to report that they've had PTSD.

Right.

It can affect their career and they're embarrassed about it,

Which there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Then we'll talk about how trauma impacts the brain.

It has nothing to do with your character.

What the difference is,

Michelle,

That I've observed,

And there's some literature out there that supports this,

The people who do not get PTSD are usually the people who either had a very stable,

Loving childhood.

So they had a good foundation that helped them have more resilience in their emotional coping skills.

But the big one is whether a person,

Somebody,

Person or people were there to receive you after this thing happened,

Whether you have people around you that go,

Oh my goodness,

I'm so sorry.

Are you okay?

What do we do to support you?

People that get that social support early on,

They don't get PTSD.

We even saw in 9-11 that they're expecting the numbers to just be off the charts for PTSD,

But New Yorkers pulled together so well as a community.

The people at the most PTSD were the rescue workers.

I was going to say probably the first responders.

Yeah,

The first responders.

Yeah.

Yep.

Wow.

That's because they had to do most of the really grueling work and saw some horrific things.

They just worked and worked and worked and worked without a lot of breaks.

I mean,

They're supposed to take breaks,

But all of them were so.

.

.

But a lot of them suffered survivor's guilt because a lot of their coworkers or brothers didn't make it,

Got killed and all of that.

So there was survivor's guilt.

And unfortunately,

Our government didn't do a great job of helping these people afterwards.

I think they kind of took for granted that this is what they're trying to do and they'll be okay.

But they really needed a lot of support and some validation and some more health coverage because a lot of them were exposed to some toxins from all of that that we weren't aware would cause the health problems it caused.

That's a whole other tangent.

Yeah.

No,

I agree.

I'm like,

Gosh,

We could talk about that for the whole hour.

The point is if you feel abandoned,

If you don't feel like there's somebody there trying to help you,

Support you in recovering from something,

That's what really can set people at for PTSD.

Okay.

That makes a lot of sense,

But I did not know that.

Thank you.

That's great.

Okay.

So I'm looking at all the questions that I had written out and I'm looking at all the questions from the people in the closed group and I think they're almost one in the same.

So I'm just going to start reading through some of the questions that I received from people in the group.

Oh,

Can I clear for one thing?

Sure.

Yeah,

Yeah.

So defining what PTSD is,

I just want to give the symptoms really fast.

So if you know that if you fit into that category or a trauma-related stress disorder.

So full-blown PTSD,

People typically have a lot of anxiety,

Difficulty sleeping,

Difficulty relaxing.

You'll have intrusive images or thoughts about the event.

You could have full-blown flashbacks and nightmares and then see how these anxiety-related symptoms,

But you also may experience numbing,

Feeling like you can't focus,

Like you want to isolate or check out.

So it can feel like this mix of depression and anxiety at the same time.

So wait,

This is PTSD or this is trauma?

This is PTSD.

Okay.

Yeah.

And you could have the other hallmark of full-blown clinical PTSD is avoidance.

You go out of your way to avoid anything that reminds you of the trauma.

That could be avoiding thinking about it,

Avoiding going anywhere near the place that happened or anything that reminds you of it.

And then the last kind of diagnostic category we look at is just negative thoughts about yourself,

Others in the world that you just can't seem to.

.

.

It really shapes up your whole worldview.

So there's a lot of that feeling of the world's not safe.

I can't trust people.

So those are kind of.

.

.

Now,

You can have some of those symptoms without having full-blown PTSD.

So I want to validate that for people,

But sometimes you may not meet the full criteria for PTSD as a diagnosis,

But you're still having anxiety,

Depression,

Or relationship issues because of things that have happened.

That's such a good point.

Some people just think I'm depressed.

And they're not realizing it's not depression.

I'm not saying it's not depression.

It might be depression,

But underneath the depression,

I call it the taproot,

The root is PTSD.

That's right.

So if we can go into the find the root,

Then the depression shifts or the anxiety shifts.

And this is the problem I have with so many doctors prescribing meds for things that they're not even understand or they're not even digging to see why do they have anxiety?

Why do they have.

.

.

Right.

Which again,

That's another tangent I could go on.

I know.

I know.

That's right.

Because meds don't really relieve this.

And so those of you try to antidepressants and whatnot,

You're like,

It might work for a little while and stop working.

When you clear the root of what's been firing that pattern off in your body and brain,

It will get relief.

It'll clear up.

We can update those patterns.

So yes,

I love that.

So can you tell us before I dive into these questions,

Because you're answering questions I already have.

So that was one of my first questions.

How do we know if we have PTSD?

You just answered it.

I'm sorry.

No,

Fantastic.

So in general,

If somebody has these symptoms of PTSD,

Are there things that we can do immediately?

If we're noticing we've got anxiety or we're noticing we're really feeling numb or flashbacks are triggering,

Et cetera,

What is it that we can do in the moment if we're not sitting in front of our therapist?

We're at the grocery store.

What do we do?

Right.

It sounds simple,

But it's really about getting yourself present.

What happens the way the brain encodes a traumatic memory,

It encodes it in the emotional brain,

Which is kind of the subcortical part of your brain that's not always conscious.

I don't want to make it spooky like it's stored deep in your subconscious.

It's just that part of the brain that learns through experience,

It's things like an animal and it's actually going to encode that memory as a felt experience.

And when you encounter anything similar,

Like a smell,

The time of year,

A sound,

A visual cue that reminds the emotional brain of that event,

It will fire off your stress response as if you were in that situation again.

Even if you just had like a quick memory about it or thought about it for a little bit,

The emotional brain is,

Oh,

No,

Here,

I'm going to give you a bunch of adrenaline so you can deal with that.

Or some people dissociate,

They might go,

Oh,

I feel like I'm going to faint or I'm going to check out.

So you can get really cute up anxious or you can feel like you're kind of checking out depending on whatever your nervous system did to survive the event.

What you've got to do is show your emotional brain that that event is not happening right now.

So you have to just acknowledge,

Okay,

My emotional brain just got triggered.

All I got to do is remind it,

Do something to remind it.

And actually the fastest way,

Smell is the fastest way to trigger a flashback,

But smell is also the fastest way to stop one.

Actually smelling something that hopefully is a pleasant smell for you can help kind of anchor you back in the moment as well as naming five things you can see,

Four things you can touch or feel,

Three things you can hear in the present moment,

A smell and a taste.

So engaging your five senses into something in the present moment will help tremendously and just calming your nervous system.

Just talking nice,

Kindly to yourself and saying,

It's okay.

It's okay.

I got you.

I mean,

Your emotional brain and your body think like a child or a little animal.

So you have to comfort it like you would a puppy or a baby.

So you just need to reassure it.

It's okay.

That's not happening right now.

That was just a memory.

It's not real.

And get yourself anchored to something in the present.

And to put that in the model of the adult chair,

I would say we're working with that little child part,

That little kid inside of you that's so freaked out.

And if I may add something,

In addition to what you said,

And I love that,

Bringing people into the moment,

I will often ask my clients like,

Hold on,

How old are you right now in this moment?

What's the date?

How old are you?

And I have them stand up and walk around my office to bring them back into the moment.

But as far as smelling,

And I know that the Ola factory is triggering,

Like you said,

As well as calming,

I want to say it's.

.

.

Don't quote me on this anybody,

But I think it's wild orange that is really great for trauma.

Do you know?

I think it's wild orange that is very calming to the nervous system.

The citrus scents have been found to be also uplifting.

So I am not sure either,

Michelle,

Like I'm not an essential oil expert either.

So I'm not sure.

I do know that my clients tend to like some oils that I have in my office.

They like the citrusy one.

Yeah,

The lemon and the tangerines and grapefruit.

Yeah.

So I think that's great for people to carry in their purse or in their pocket.

So if they're really feeling triggered,

Or and I'm thinking about people going into the holidays here,

If you've got to be with somebody that triggers you,

Bring the essential oil,

Pick a citrus that you really like and bring it with you and just smell it.

That's right.

Put it on your wrist,

Put it on your neck,

Whatever,

Smell it.

Yes.

And just remind yourself like,

You know,

Well,

We'll get into that in a minute,

How you can deal with triggers.

That's a big question.

Yeah,

I think the citruses are good.

And a lot of my clients also like lavender.

Yeah,

That's very calming.

Really?

Yeah.

Peppermint really wakes us up.

Yeah,

It will drown out some others.

So if there's like a smell that triggers you,

The peppermint will kind of overpower that.

Like cleanses the air.

Yeah.

So diffuse it.

If we're looking at the holidays,

I would diffuse a lot of these essential oils so you're always smelling them in the room.

That's right.

Right?

This is great information.

Thank you.

So bring yourself back into the moment.

That's a big takeaway here in this very moment to remind that part of us that's in the past to come back into the moment.

Okay.

What about these triggers?

A lot of people wrote in like,

What do we do when we're unnecessarily triggered?

And then we go into the ruminating thoughts and overthinking and the inability to really participate in life because we get so stuck in this loop.

So is there anything else you can add to that?

And specifically for these triggers?

Yes.

The short answer is to get yourself in the moment and to tell your emotional brain or your child part,

Like,

I know that's not happening right now.

I've got you.

It's not to my advantage to keep replaying that because that kind of reinforces the memory.

But you also don't want to ignore it.

Like,

You know,

The more you try to not think about something,

The more you're going to think about it.

So if you tell yourself,

I'm not going to think about a,

You know,

A sumo wrestler and a pink tutu,

There it is.

So we have to instead identify a new ending to the story or how you want to respond to these memories or event.

Now we'll get a little bit.

We can go a little bit further with that and how to actually update those memories.

But one of the first things that I like to help clients look at is our mind will stop the movie in the worst place.

In other words,

We'll keep it'll replay to the point like that we were devastated or shocked or whatever it was.

And that's not where the movie ends.

You,

If you're alive,

You went on.

And so what we want to do is help that person keep to stop the rumination,

Finish the story to a later time in your life.

It could be just the moment you escape the situation and it's to your credit you survive.

You need to acknowledge that for yourself.

Or it could be even though my childhood was really awful,

I'll get these memories.

You could anchor it with,

You know,

The day you had a child and that was a really beautiful moment for you.

Or when you accomplished something,

Maybe when you graduated high school and could leave that home or had another,

You know,

Event in your life that either helped you feel competent,

Empowered or cared about.

So something that kind of countered what you experienced in the trauma that invalidates those beliefs,

The trauma made you believe about yourself or the world.

So for example,

I had a client who was actually sexually assaulted.

She was drugged.

She got put roofie in her drink.

And so she couldn't quite remember everything that happened because of the way that drug affects the memory.

But she could recall that I got her in touch with is how she escaped,

How she escaped the situation.

And she said,

When I finally kind of came back to semi consciousness,

I felt really sick and I got up and was going to go to the bathroom and he was in the bed next to me.

And I thought he was asleep.

And so when I got up,

He woke up and he tried to pull me back.

But I saw the front door of this apartment and I just ran as I jerked myself away and just ran as hard as I could to the parking lot screaming.

And but I had to really remember the power that she felt in her legs and her life that you had.

So you can bring yourself to the moment that you escape or the event finished.

And that really brings you back.

It reminds your emotional brain that you survived,

That it did not.

Because your emotional brain,

If it's still replaying something,

It's because it thinks you're still in danger.

So when you show it,

Hey,

This was awful,

But it has stopped and this is how I stopped it.

Is it helpful to even say like,

That was 15 years ago or that was two years ago or that was 30 years ago?

Does that help?

It does.

The way to say it,

Interestingly,

Because your emotional brain thinks really literally,

You just have to say that's not happening right now.

That doesn't exist.

You have to think about how you would say it to a child.

Because the emotional brain really thinks it's smart,

But it doesn't understand language.

It thinks like a child in terms of if you say to a child,

Well,

That was,

I always say,

How would you say it to a four year old?

Right.

If you said to a four year old,

That was 30 years ago,

They wouldn't know what you meant.

But if you said,

Honey,

That's not happening right now.

They didn't get you.

You're still alive.

The child understands that.

This is great stuff.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I remember being in a training.

I did that semantic experience training and the girl next to me,

Who was a friend of mine,

We watched a movie of somebody that was helicopter skiing.

What is it called?

And he had a GoPro on his helmet.

And so he was flying through the air,

Right?

Like he jumped off of the helicopter and was flying in the air.

Oh,

No,

No,

No.

He had the thing with the wings.

Oh my God.

Can you imagine like jumping out of a hang glider thing and he had skis on.

So you saw going over these mountains and it was like really cool.

And then he landed and you know,

Life went on and the girl turned.

We were going over trauma.

The girl next to me was so off and her eyes were wide open and I looked at her and she's a friend of mine.

I said,

What's going on?

And she goes,

I don't know,

Like I'm completely disassociated.

So I called the teacher over and I said,

My friend's disassociated over here because of that movie.

And she said to her,

He landed.

And she goes,

What?

And the teacher said to my friend,

The skier landed.

He made it.

And she goes,

Oh my God.

Instantaneously.

Boom.

My friend was back in her body.

I'm like,

Oh my God,

Because she was in his body.

And then flying through the air and she didn't know that she landed.

And then the teacher said,

And you landed too.

You're in your chair.

You're here and it's,

You know,

Whatever.

So yeah,

That's a great example.

It sounds simple on the surface,

But it is so profound.

It really is.

Okay.

So here's another question.

Is it normal to have emotional flashbacks more than a year later?

And how do you stop flashbacks?

And again,

The mental spiraling,

Which I think you just answered,

But what about the flashbacks?

Yeah.

So with flashbacks,

Again,

It's,

You know,

Our minds will replay something because they're trying to figure out how to make sense of it or how to,

What to do with it.

Or you get triggered.

A flashback can happen.

You may not even realize it,

But your emotional brain may detect something that reminds of the event.

Your emotional brain again can trigger a response before you consciously realize what spooked you.

So you could just like your friend just suddenly feel dissociated or anxious without knowing.

So,

But again,

With a flashback,

Especially it's about getting present.

It's about showing your body and mind where you are right now.

And you may need to also physically ground yourself,

Like,

You know,

Stomp your feet,

Move your feet,

Touch something like to get the emotional brain back.

One of my clients that was a veteran,

He had a service dog.

His flashbacks had been so bad,

He ended up getting a service dog.

And what she was trying to do is to sense when he might be getting really anxious or about to have a flashback,

She would circle the area to clear people away from him so he wouldn't get hurt.

Because if somebody,

If you try to touch somebody when they're in a flashback,

They could fight you because they don't know you at that moment,

They can feel threatened.

So she would clear the area and then she would lick his hand or his face to comfort him and also to get him back in the moment.

Wow.

Yeah,

That's incredible.

And it worked.

And so that's what you do in the moment.

But we may also get to talk about how you actually date that memory so it doesn't flashback anymore.

And that's the process that I call memory reconsolidation.

So once you update that neural pathway with a new ending and a new experience that gives that event a different meaning and context,

Those flashbacks will stop.

Okay.

And that's something that we do in therapy or we can do on our own.

Well,

Most of the time it's helpful to do it in therapy because a lot of times another person,

Especially a trained therapist,

Can see things that you can't see,

You know,

Can see it more objectively and try to help you make a different meaning of the event.

Plus they are trained to know how to keep you safe and not relive it.

However,

You may be able to do this on your own.

So basically,

I know we'll probably get into that.

So I don't want to get ahead of us.

But basically what happens when something traumatic happens,

It leaves an imprint.

So it's like it slams into your awareness,

Like leaves a tattoo on your brain,

So to speak.

The other thing that happens is that that imprint,

Your emotional brain confuses as the event itself,

Like it's still happening.

Yes.

The other thing that happens is we attach meanings to the event.

And the more disturbing the event,

The more distorted the meaning is.

So for example,

Let's say a woman was assaulted in her office parking lot.

And she's telling the police what happened.

She's saying,

You know,

I will never forgive myself for being careless and putting myself in danger.

And the police say,

Well,

That's what we call walking out to the car after work.

Oh,

My gosh.

Telling us what happened,

But she's telling us meanings her mind attached.

So the good news is when you clear the imprint,

Like the sensory impression,

And you clear the meaning that got attached to that event,

Then you won't get triggered anymore because the mind can confuse similar and same.

And when we show the mind and get clarity on what really happened in the appropriate meaning for you,

Then your mind won't be haunted by it.

So for everybody,

It's a little bit different on what will help them get resolution on a particular event.

But there are themes that work for most people.

I mean,

Usually the theme is something that people are usually blaming themselves for something or they no longer feel the world's safe.

So we,

You know,

People either feel responsible somehow for what happened,

Or they don't feel safe anymore,

Or they don't trust anymore.

Those are usually the areas where people have the most difficulty.

And so what we want to do is help them update those meanings.

So we want to help them see where they did what made sense with the skills and the resources that they had at that moment to help them not feel so responsible,

Instead of saying,

Well,

That was an anomaly,

The world's really safe.

That's not true.

Right,

Right.

It's not that our goal is to help you convince yourself you're safe again,

It's to help you realize what you did to survive and to believe that you can take care of yourself even if something bad happens again.

And then trust is another issue that,

You know,

Especially if the trauma involved other people or somebody did something to you,

Then we need to help the person recognize what you learned was that that person's you learned something about that person and the way their mind was malfunctioning and not make it about yourself,

Like most people internalize it.

And blanket it to everybody else in the world.

You know,

I couldn't trust my mom,

So therefore I can't trust anybody.

Yeah,

Yeah.

So we may get into some specifics,

But I wanted to just give you all some general ideas.

We want to help you be able to step back and change the meaning that your mind attached to that event.

That's and make it what you want to believe about yourself instead.

You know,

It's about rewriting your story.

It is.

That's really what it is.

Yeah.

People are stuck in shame,

You know,

After being traumatized as a young child.

What would you say to someone like that same kind of thing if they're sitting in shame?

Because of what I hear people,

You know,

They blame themselves for what happened to them.

Right.

And they get stuck in it.

That's right.

And especially when these things happen to us as children,

You know,

And that's just the way your mind thinks as a child,

Just developmentally.

You know,

If your parent is telling you you're a bad kid or shaming you or I punished you because you deserved it or you felt like you somehow if it was sexual trauma that you somehow invited that in without realizing it or didn't know how to make it stop.

It's easier for a child to say it must be me because it's too scary to say,

OK,

I'm living with people who are really scary and mentally messed up.

Right.

Well,

We can't say that as little kids.

And not only that,

I think we look to the people that raise us and our grandparents or aunts or whomever's around us to protect us.

And we look to them for validation of who we are and a mirror for us who we are.

So it must be me.

It's probably my fault.

So I get it.

Yeah.

So a lot of the healing is being able to look back,

Even if something happened over and over again,

Your emotional brain does better.

This is where we want to heal it.

You may understand logically like you as an adult now might say,

You know,

I know that wasn't my fault.

I know my mom had issues or,

You know,

I know I'm not a bad person,

But you don't feel it.

Even though you know it intellectually,

You still struggle with feeling the truth of that.

It's because your emotional brain is still storing that memory like your child self.

So we need to update it.

And the way you do that is you want to actually show the child self.

Hey,

And I know it sounds hokey,

But actually that inner child work that Bradshaw did years ago to help people heal shame really is effective in whatever way makes sense to you to recall the memory and go back and tell younger you,

Look,

Here's what was going on.

Your mom,

You know,

Was depressed and confused about a bunch of stuff.

You didn't cause this.

You say to your younger self what you needed to hear then.

You're going to have to,

You have to finish the job your parent couldn't finish.

So you now can step in and be your own parent.

And that's really what we all have to learn how to.

It's reparenting.

Yeah,

We have to reparent.

And that does not sound hokey to my listeners.

Cause I have some clients who are like,

You're not going to make me do inner child work.

Are you?

Yes,

We are.

Cause we know it works.

Yes.

But the other,

I have another technique I'll share with y'all later.

I don't want to,

I want to get to all your questions.

Please do go ahead and share the next technique.

Well,

I think one that,

That Michelle,

You let me know that you really liked,

And this is one of my favorite things.

It doesn't necessarily have to be like talking to your younger self and holding.

Your emotional brain does learn through imagery.

So you can't just,

If you're going to do that,

Talk to your inner child self.

If you just like have a conversation,

It doesn't always resonate with that part of your brain that we're trying to update.

You may have to vividly imagine it as best you can.

Even if you don't get a clear picture,

Just imagine holding your younger self and what you would tell her and or him.

But one of my other favorite ones is to decide how do you want to feel about this event now in your life?

What qualities do you want to feel?

Do you want to,

When you think about this event,

Feel like empowered,

Proud that you survived,

Clear,

Fully present,

Knowing it's finished that that chapter of your life is done and feel like you can move forward,

You're resilient,

You're at ease,

You're whatever qualities you want to have.

Even if you just make up whatever you think,

Here's how I want to feel about this event.

And then let your mind show you a symbol that represents your mind working in your desired way.

Something in nature and animal in the wild usually works great.

So for example,

If I said,

So let's think about your mind working this way,

Clear,

Fully present,

Resilient,

Strong,

More compassionate because of what happened.

It's not the way you wanted to get that compassion,

But you have it.

And that's to your credit.

When you think about your mind working that way,

Let's get a symbol that would represent that.

And so I've had people say an eagle or an oak tree,

Or I've even had somebody tell me a spreadsheet because he was an engineer.

But it's amazing when you get your symbol and you just focus on it and you really breathe it in and feel like you are that animal like for me.

I think you and I have this in common.

The first time I did that exercise,

It was a horse running on the beach because I wanted to feel free.

I wanted to feel free and strong and I want to move forward in my life and enjoy what was in my life now to feel like I was leaving that other chapter behind.

So I got this vivid image of a horse running on the beach and I could just imagine feeling like the horse and how a horse would think about it.

And it's amazing how that will uplift you and really get you back in touch with your power.

And if you will do like an activity like that first,

Something that connects you to how you want to feel and then go back and tell that story or write that story down in a new way,

It will change it.

I promise you,

You'll already start to go,

No,

Wait a minute.

A horse wouldn't blame himself,

He'd be like,

I'm getting away from that crazy person.

Yeah,

I love it.

And the horse for me was that you said the word powerful,

Free and powerful.

Yeah,

I love that.

So your emotional brain understands metaphors and symbols and so that it understands those things better than words.

So that's why that works better than you just doing self-talk.

That's awesome.

Awesome.

I love it.

Thank you.

Okay.

You've given us some great tools already.

I really appreciate this.

Good.

Okay.

This is a big one.

A lot of people wanted information on this.

So how do you heal from narcissistic parenting?

So many,

I think you kind of answered this,

But in case you have something to add,

So many years of damage and it still continues as adults.

How to heal that child within and how do you move past the guilt if we feel that no contact with that parent is the way to go?

So I would wonder,

Is it possible to heal the trauma?

And then,

Because I hear this from so many people that say,

I had the worst childhood,

My mom was a narcissist or my father criticized me my entire life.

He put me down my whole life.

But yet it's my dad and I don't want to leave my family.

And if I don't ever talk to my dad,

I'll ruin the whole family.

So I need to be around him,

But he triggers me.

So how do you heal from parenting like this?

Okay.

That's a great,

Great question.

And I think so many people have experienced that.

It's so hard to kind of pinpoint and call it a trauma,

But it is.

So here's what the first thing is we want to help you.

First of all,

Look at your parents as not firing on all cylinders.

A few sandwiches shy of a picnic.

We want to help you as even humorously if possible.

Their minds not firing on all four cylinders.

It's not functioning correctly the way they're so insecure that they have to cope in this particular way.

And what we want you to be able to do is just,

They're not going to change most likely.

So we have to accept that.

But we want your mind to realize everything spewing out of their mouth is just not relevant or treat.

Like we want to get,

So I will ask the client,

Let's come up with a metaphor that will help your emotional brain not even take that personally anymore.

Just to be like,

Whatever.

When they say,

Well,

Gosh,

Have you gained weight?

Or why haven't you got a better paying job yet?

Or any kind of those insults,

Which these things trigger.

We want it to be as,

We want your mind to think of it as nonsensical as,

So why aren't your ears bigger?

Why don't you have six toes?

Why don't you be a little shorter?

We want your brain to get,

It doesn't matter what they say because none of it is,

We want your brain to just not tag it as relevant.

To tag it,

That's about them.

It's not about me.

And it's that,

And it's,

I know it's not easy when you're in that moment,

But there's some things sometimes I'll do with clients to make their parents seem absurd.

So it's just funny to help desensitize you to it.

So if you can imagine them smaller talking in a Donald Duck voice or whatever it is,

That can make you take them less seriously.

But at the same time,

You do have to protect yourself.

But part of it,

What we want your emotional brain and your heart to do is to unhook from their unhealthiness,

To unhook from their problems and to be able to,

When your mom says,

Wow,

Have you gained weight?

For you to go,

Oh,

I didn't notice.

Right.

Do not get hooked.

Do not get hooked with what they're saying.

Yeah.

So actually I'll play a little game sometimes with clients that I learned from a mentor of mine named John Connelly that I get them to say,

Whatever.

They practice your mom saying,

These.

.

.

You look so fat.

Yeah.

What happened?

Okay,

Whatever.

Are you ever going to get married?

Yeah.

All of that stuff.

I don't know.

And what we want you to do is just to let them sit with their own misery.

And that doesn't mean to define you anymore.

So to talk to your younger self is to say,

You know what?

Your mom and your dad may have done some things well,

Or they might be smart in some areas,

But they really are lousy in this department.

Because nobody.

.

.

Sometimes these parents think that they're motivating you to do better in your life.

But think about an Olympic athlete or you don't motivate somebody by guilting and shaming them.

Right.

People do worse.

So to remind yourself,

They really have backwards ideas about how to motivate somebody.

And you can.

.

.

As you're trying to help yourself detach from their stuff,

The other thing you want to do is give your inner child a lot of love.

I know they are really annoying and it can be really painful,

But I've got you.

You do not have to be hurt by any of their BS.

It's not about you.

It's about their own insecurities.

And then the other thing that you can do is,

I think,

To,

In your mind,

Decide what kind of boundary that you want to have.

And it's okay for you to be sad that,

You know,

It's too bad that I can't have a closer relationship.

You know,

There's some things that I really enjoy about this person,

But I know if I'm with them any longer than this period of time,

Or if I engage contact again,

They don't have good boundaries.

So I'll have to keep them.

Yeah.

And I like this,

What you're saying about.

.

.

I'm sorry,

I just feel like I cut you off.

Keep going.

No,

No,

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Well,

I just did a whole podcast on this last week and it really is about,

I think you just mirrored what I said last week,

Which is accepting people for who they are and they're not going to change and having our adult,

The healthy adult that we are today,

Talk to that little person inside of us that's running the show.

And it seems like too,

When we are with family or people that we grew up with,

We oftentimes revert back to the little kid that's walking in the house on Thanksgiving or Christmas Day,

Instead of the adult person that we are today.

And then that little kid is the one that's triggered and trying to navigate the scene with the narcissistic parent or the abusive whomever.

And we need our adult self,

The person that's alive today,

To do like you said,

To take care of that little kid and say,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

We're going in and lay really,

I used this example last week,

But like my uncle was really mentally and emotionally abusive.

And we'd gotten to the point we would just call him like the wackadoodle.

It was funny.

And we got to the point and you just start expecting them to show up like idiots,

Honestly.

And I don't,

He just did.

He just did.

And I think you're right.

We started laughing.

That's right.

And it helps to just come up with another nickname or way of thinking about the person and exactly accepting it doesn't mean accepting it doesn't mean you like it.

No,

It's not even a judgment to say these things.

It's like,

We really want to figure out what the heck is true.

And it's like,

They're mentally ill.

There's something clearly off because if they were healthy,

They would never treat me like this.

Exactly.

That's what we all have to learn how to say.

What about the guilt people have asked us a few times,

But how do you address that guilt that people have done in either distancing themselves or even making that decision to say,

I never want to see this person again?

Yes.

So,

You know,

I think too,

The guilt is really covering up sadness.

So I think if you could just let yourself feel the sadness of it,

And I don't mean in the press way,

But to really grieve it can help.

And I don't mean you've got to do like this whole ritual and days of grieving,

But I think just to really admit it's sad.

It is so sad that I cannot have a relationship with this person.

And it's sad that she doesn't understand it.

It's sad that she doesn't understand why,

But you really have to recognize you're the adult and your parents,

A child.

And you need to look at it that way.

It's like telling a little kid,

No,

You can't do that.

And then he spoke in their room and they don't understand it and they tell you they hate you and you have to say,

You know,

It's really sad that I can't help them understand why I have to do this.

And so,

And just to be kind to yourself through that,

That it is a very hard decision to make.

And even if you haven't completely cut off the relationship,

I know I've had to do this with people in my life that I've family that I've had to just set boundaries.

You know,

I don't,

And there were things I miss about them.

They were fun to hang out with,

But there were some other things that I had to really set some limits around.

And I just know that's,

You know,

It's sad,

But that's what has to happen now.

And it's because you have to be committed to it's really what's best for you and that person,

Even though that person doesn't know that.

And if there's any hope of that kind of a narcissistic personality changing,

They only change when they can't have access to you anymore.

If there's any hope of them changing,

There has to be a consequence.

And it's not like you're setting boundaries to punish them.

It's just a natural consequence.

Like the more hateful somebody is,

The less you're going to want to be around them.

I mean,

That's just the consequence of that.

But it's when that person begins to really feel the loneliness of it that they begin to,

If they're going to change,

It's usually when they feel that loneliness and they begin to realize they want that person back in their life and they're willing to be kinder and to make compromises.

Right.

Yeah.

That makes total sense.

Do you have time just for a couple more questions?

Yeah,

I do.

I do.

This is great.

Yeah.

Thank you.

This is really great.

Okay.

How do we actually,

This is another question,

And speaking of emotions,

How do we actually go through our emotions without getting stuck in the story?

And here's the rest of the question.

And if we need to tell our story of abuse,

Incest,

Rape,

Narcissistic from siblings and spouse,

Because we were never allowed to speak of it,

How do we do it without getting stuck in it?

And how do we know when it's time to stop telling the story because.

.

.

Yeah.

Oh,

So we don't get stuck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So,

I am a therapist.

My personal advice is to find either a therapist or a coach or trusted friend that you can tell your story to.

I do think it helps tremendously to tell your story and have another human being validate you that you're not crazy.

This was whack.

This was whacked up.

Yeah.

And good for you for getting through it.

So,

I think we all need to be.

.

.

We need some money.

Like I said,

The people who don't get PTSD have,

In one way or another,

Have had someone or some people in their life that were able to comfort and support them and validate their fears,

Their anger,

Their confusion.

And then as that person feels validated and understood,

Then for someone to be able to show them.

.

.

And even though this is the way we wanted you to get it,

It's amazing that you were able to accomplish this in spite of that or to be this kind of person instead of growing up in that environment.

We want to help you look at what you managed to do in spite of it,

Because that's how you reclaim your power.

That's how you show yourself,

Wait,

It hurt.

It hurt awfully bad,

But they did not take my power.

They did not take my identity.

Just the fact that you're wanting to heal tells us that you're not still buying into all the brainwashing or whatever it was.

And so the way not to get stuck is to finish your story that way,

To find a way that you.

.

.

And it's not to sugarcoat what happened.

So it's not to put some Pollyanna spin on it.

So I hope I'm making it clear.

It's more about affirming.

It's more about.

.

.

You're validating what was fact and truth for their growing up years.

It's like,

You are a survivor.

You made it through this.

You're a strong person.

You know,

All of these things.

Yeah.

And so it's simultaneously acknowledging there were.

.

.

In some ways,

This thing really got my life off to a horrible start.

And I made a lot of crazy decisions because of this experience.

But in another way,

It made me who I am.

What do I like about myself?

What have I been able to accomplish in spite of it?

Even if it's just that you're a kinder person.

I mean,

That's enough.

You don't have to have done anything that big.

It's just that I don't treat people like crap.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Thank you.

That was a great answer.

Okay.

How do you avoid re-traumatizing yourself during this whole healing of the trauma?

Someone asked that question.

Yes.

That's such a good question.

And that's.

.

.

One of the things is that when somebody is retelling me their story,

First,

I have them actually connect to a new ending.

If we have an actual ending where it's a place in their life where they escaped or took their power back or it got better,

That's great.

I've had some people make up a new ending or decide even if.

.

.

Let's say somebody who they haven't had a good experience yet in their life,

But they are moving into recovery.

So I get them the anchor to feature you.

How do you want your future self to be?

How do you want to be.

.

.

She's looking back at you right now and blowing you a kiss because right now you're making her life possible.

How is she going to take this thing and create a good life for herself in spite of it?

So I actually like to think about how we want to finish the story or how to connect you to how you want to feel about it first and then go back to the story.

And the key is to stay emotionally present,

Meaning don't relive it.

I even tell people,

Use the past tense when you're describing it because I know when somebody's stuck in the story because they'll describe it as if it's happening.

They'll say,

And he's pushing me against the wall and I'll say,

He pushed you against the wall.

He's not pushing correct.

That's great.

Correct.

Yeah.

That's really great.

And we do it unconsciously.

So you'll go,

Oh my gosh,

I'm telling you it's like it's happening.

So just make sure you want to be able to stay present,

Recognize it's not happening right now.

Look at it objectively.

So send those out to,

And I know you've done this probably on Michelle with those NLP techniques,

Like imagine you're watching it on a tiny black and white television screen so you don't relive it,

But you're on the outside watching it.

Yep.

And change the color,

Change the size.

They're all the fun things you can do with NLP for sure.

Thank you.

Here's another question.

How to help with the disconnect we feel as adults when we love others,

But feel numb inside.

So as adults,

We have families,

We have children,

We have husbands,

We have wives,

Whatever it is,

But yet,

And there was a little bit more to her question,

But it was that she was having a hard time connecting still to her kids and grandchildren because she felt like this wall in between and it was,

Yeah,

So there's like a wall between her and other people.

And so there's just this sort of constant state of numbness,

But yet she loved these people but couldn't fully connect.

And then there's the exhaustion that comes with that and the beating up on yourself.

So what would you say about that?

Oh,

These are great.

First of all,

Yes,

I totally understand what this person is talking about.

And so just to recognize that you have that wall because you had experiences with people that made you think,

I need to protect myself.

Don't get too close or you'll get hurt or exploited or betrayed or whatever it was.

So even when we have our children and we know,

I don't think they would hurt me.

Because that wall has been there,

Just in case things.

So what that requires is you gently working with the,

I would ask the part of yourself,

Who's got the wall up?

What do you want me to understand?

As if it's like,

It's not literally a part,

It's just a coping skill.

But I think one way to get it that is what are you protecting me from?

And they have compassion.

Because it probably did help you to have that.

And then what you have to do is slowly say,

Would it be okay for me to just let it down just a little bit with this person or in this situation and let yourself experience it a little bit,

But you have to do it intentionally.

So it's not going to just happen because of this.

This is an old defense and there's nothing wrong with it.

It's just you're retraining your heart and you're retraining your brain.

It's okay to actually let that down with certain people or in certain situations because you have to show your emotional brain the advantage of it.

To feel that joy so deep in your heart again.

You want to feel more the love even more.

Whatever it is for you,

You have to kind of,

Your emotional brain needs an incentive.

It needs to believe,

I'm taking a risk here.

So this better be good.

The outcome better,

There better be a good payoff here for me.

And so you have to,

So it might be easier to start with children or a pet,

For example,

Just to kind of imagine what it would be like to open your heart just a little bit.

And I would recommend just doing little micro moments,

Just little moments at a time.

So it's tolerable and eventually that you'll find yourself being able to feel a little more safe,

A little more comfortable and letting that expand.

But just be gentle with yourself.

And it's exciting that you're there,

That you are now ready to open your heart more.

So I think that's to your credit.

Perfect.

Okay.

Two more or do you have to go?

Yeah,

Yeah,

I'm good.

Okay.

Good.

Good.

What about memories that you can't recall?

You know,

A lot of people have blocked out their whole childhood or they were told like,

Oh yeah,

We were all sexually abused or we're all abused and you don't have any memory of that.

Right.

So actually what can help is for you to just make up what you think might have happened.

And I'm saying that for therapeutic purposes,

Not for legal or investigative purposes.

Just to be clear,

But here's the irony.

The irony is when we're trying real hard to remember something like if you run into someone and you know their face,

But their name isn't come to you,

The more you try to remember their name,

It never comes to you.

It doesn't come to you like later that night when you're just goofing around and not even thinking about it.

So actually,

If you just make up what you think might have happened without stressing out over it,

But just make.

.

.

And I know it can be stressful just to kind of imagine what could have happened,

But your mind has already made up a story about it anyway.

And what we're trying to work with is the story and the meaning your mind attached.

So all the details don't have to be factual for us to still help you heal.

So what I invite people to do is make up what you think might have happened and let's work with it metaphorically and it may or may not happen that way,

But we can still change the story in the way that you want it to be changed.

So what about.

.

.

Is this link also with suppressed emotions?

Yes.

It's the same kind of thing?

Yes.

Because your emotional brain thinks in metaphors anyway,

It will help you.

.

.

It will help any of those suppressed emotions kind of come to your awareness.

But I invite people to.

.

.

I mean,

Just go slow.

Don't overwhelm yourself.

And also to remember all emotion is just a request for an action.

So the emotion of fear is just your mind and body's way of saying,

Hey,

Get away from that.

It seems dangerous.

The emotion of anger is just to make something stop.

It's trying to get you to stop something from happening.

The emotion of sadness is just to get you to take stock,

Withdraw,

Take care of yourself and reflect.

So the emotion of grief is to feel reconnected to someone or something that's important to you.

It's trying to get you to do that.

So if you can remember these emotions are just trying to get you to do something that you probably couldn't have done in that moment.

And just to help your mind get,

I did feel that way,

But I'm here right now in this room and nobody's hurting me.

It's okay.

Yeah.

Those will help manage those emotions as they come up.

Because people are typically worried they're going to get flooded.

When I talk to clients,

I'm like,

So let's just go there for a moment.

No,

No,

I'm so afraid.

I'm like,

Can we just put the big toe in the water?

I didn't ask you to jump all the way in.

Just a tiny bit.

That's perfect,

Michelle.

And yeah,

And you can,

What I've done,

The same thing,

Just tell me a little snippet and then let's go to the end of the story.

That's great.

So then you're reminding the brain,

But this is how it ends.

This is when it's over.

That's right.

Yeah,

Easier to pop those emotions out.

What about,

Do you ever work with sexual abuse trauma?

How do you have a satisfying sexual life after sexual abuse trauma?

Well,

That is a good question.

And it's a little more involved than we may have time for.

But basically the healing,

We have to help your mind separate.

That wasn't sex.

We need to help your mind get.

That was assault and assault and abuse are about power.

They're not about sex.

They're about power.

And we need to help your brain understand the difference between a physical assault versus a loving touch or making love that it may involve similar body parts.

Like let's say somebody slaps someone across the street,

Across the street or across the street.

That would be one.

Yeah.

Some of us may have actually had that experience.

Slaps somebody across the cheek versus someone touching your cheek softly.

That both involve the same body area,

But it's a different kind of touch.

And so helping yourself show your emotional brain and your body that and get the differences rather than looking at the similarities.

We have to look at the differences.

And then there are other things a sex therapist is actually trained to help people with in terms of body exercises that you can need to help yourself get comfortable with it or how to help you and your partner,

You know,

Adjust things so that it can be more comfortable or how to still have loving touch or pleasure without intercourse if you need to work your way up to that.

So there can be like a whole protocol that people can use depending on how much it impacted their ability to be present.

But yeah,

That is a great question.

You just helped me immensely.

Like sexual abuse was not sex.

No,

It was,

Excuse me.

It was sex,

But it wasn't about sex.

That just hit me really hard.

That really landed on me.

Like,

Oh my gosh,

You're so right.

Yeah.

And I'll tell people that person was being sexual with you,

But you are not being sexual with them.

Wow.

That really,

Wow.

That hit me hard.

That hit me.

Thank you.

That was awesome.

Okay.

Last question.

Really,

Truly the last question.

Yeah,

No.

Let's just throw out some best therapies for dealing with trauma.

And this person said,

Do we specifically need a trauma therapist or are there self-guided tools,

Which you just gave us a whole bunch of self-guided tools.

So that's the answer to that question.

However,

Are there some therapies outside of what you've given us,

Of course,

You would recommend for trauma?

Yes.

There are some.

We've got hundreds of different types of trauma therapies.

I know.

You need to go with the top 10,

Maybe.

I have my own list of seven right here.

I'm like,

I could keep going,

But let's do.

.

.

I know.

But what I recommend to people now is look for a therapist who says trauma-informed,

That they are a trauma-informed therapist,

I think is one buzzword.

Maybe you can ask a client,

A therapist,

If they don't have it on their website.

What that means is that you understand how trauma impacts the brain and the nervous system and that you are not just going to throw some money into retelling their story over and over before you help them learn some tools to calm themselves.

And so I would look for someone who at least has some kind of background in trauma-informed approach.

Now,

What I do is trauma-informed hypnotherapy,

But also sometimes the hypnotherapy word freaks people out.

I only use hypnotherapy to get people connected to what they want in their lives.

I don't use hypnosis to regress somebody back to the event.

So if you're looking for somebody who does hypnosis,

Look for somebody like Michelle,

Who is empowering you with hypnosis,

Not regressing you and making you relive a thing,

Because that doesn't help.

But hypnosis is my favorite.

I know I'm biased,

But I've been trained a lot of models.

I still think it's the most gentle and uplifting tool.

So I do like that for people.

So there's trauma-informed hypnotherapy,

And then there's a similar model called rapid resolution therapy.

You may find some people trained in that.

I was trained in that model too,

That uses imagery and hypnosis in a very positive way that you're fully in control of.

Of course,

Eye movement,

Desensitization and reprocessing,

EMDR,

Is also a very popular tool.

What you're looking for is any therapy that elicits what we call memory reconsolidation,

Meaning it updates an old memory into a new desired way.

And EMDR can help,

I will tell you,

If you've had a lot of trauma or a lot of complex childhood trauma,

I would actually be a little cautious with EMDR because it involves eye movements or bilateral stimulation.

And if you've had a lot of trauma,

Sometimes it brings up too many memories too quickly.

So you want to work with an EMDR practitioner who has worked with complex trauma and dissociation and knows how to keep that from happening.

I also like somatic experiencing,

Which is a body therapy that Michelle can tell you more about because she's trained in that.

And there's another- Attachment,

You got to talk about attachment.

Yes,

Attachment.

So attachment is another area that I'm really focused on.

So we don't have a lot of therapists.

My model is an attachment-focused model as well.

But Diane Puheler has a model called D.

A.

R.

E.

It's an attachment-focused trauma treatment.

But she was also trained by Peter Levine.

So it's kind of read it in somatic experience.

I just started that training this summer and it's very much taken,

You take a lot of somatic experiencing and it's built into D.

A.

R.

E.

So you can just Google a D.

A.

R.

E.

Therapist or a somatic experiencing therapist and find.

.

.

Yes.

Either one would be fabulous,

I think.

I do too.

And I also like for couples,

Emotionally focused couples therapy,

Which was developed by Sue Johnson and they call themselves EFT,

Couples therapists.

And you can Google them and find one in your area.

But they do the same thing.

They're really good at helping you and a partner work through old issues that may be triggering you.

So it's not just a past,

It's interfering with your current relationship and how to help each other recognize when those triggers are happening and how to help each other through that so that you can grow past it and have a loving relationship without that stuff getting in the way.

And I want to add one thing,

And I'm not sure how you feel about this,

But this has really been beneficial for me.

I have added to my self-care routine every other week something called myofascial massage.

But here's the thing.

I've had myofascial massage.

This is myofascial,

But it is with John Barnes trained therapists.

They're very,

Very different.

I've had just a myofascial massage,

But these people that are trained by John Barnes and it's international,

So even people in other countries should look up John Barnes myofascial.

It's an intuitive approach.

The first day I went to this girl,

And I'm actually going to do a podcast where they're coming up.

You put her hands on my body and I was so relaxed this particular day.

And this is when we started and she says,

Oh,

I can feel you're in fight or flight.

I'm like,

I am?

What do you mean?

And she says,

You're in fight or flight.

I said,

Oh my God.

So every other week I go and I am totally a different person.

My nervous system is so much more truly relaxed.

I feel like I'm moving in slow motion and I realized most of my life I was in hypervigilant state.

So this helps bring,

I think for me,

It brought really mind and the body and the emotional body all together.

It's really been powerful for me.

So John Barnes myofascial.

Yeah,

For sure.

That sounds great.

Yeah.

Because when you've had that complex trauma,

I mean,

Your nervous system does kind of reset to be in that higher state all the time.

It was so fascinating.

I didn't even know it.

Wow.

I didn't even know it.

I was living in fast forward is what I realize.

And now I'll say like,

Is everyone talking in slow motion?

And people are like,

No,

This is really normal.

I'm like,

Okay.

So my nervous system is slower.

So yeah,

Very cool.

All right,

My darling,

I've taken up so much of your time and we cannot thank you enough.

And I could go on and on because I've got so many more questions.

Oh my goodness.

Yeah.

I'm happy to come back if we want to do more.

And I really enjoyed it because this is so close to my heart.

And this is what I really get excited about like you do is helping people heal from these old experiences and family situations that had this awful effect on us and how we can move forward and not let it.

.

.

You know,

Affect our current relationships and have.

.

.

Yeah.

Well,

Thank you for the work that you do because it's amazing,

Amazing work.

And I have again,

Experienced it and it's unbelievable.

So thank you.

All of these tips you gave us today has been,

It's been,

I don't know,

Life changing for some people,

I hope,

Because they're great ideas.

Okay.

Ms.

Courtney,

We know you have,

Or I know you have a book,

The Therapeutic Aha,

Because I own it.

It's called 10 strategies for letting your clients or forgetting your clients unstuck.

The name of it is The Therapeutic Aha,

10 Strategies for Getting Your Clients Unstuck.

By Courtney Armstrong.

But this is not on Audible.

So that's why I want to mention it right now.

Is there anything else that you want to share with our listeners?

How can they find you if they want to learn more about what you do or take a training or even have a session?

Because I want to let everybody know you do Skype sessions.

So you can meet with anybody around the world.

I'm sorry,

I should have asked you that.

I'm assuming.

I made an assumption,

Courtney.

Well,

You know,

I do some video conferencing sessions.

It just depends on the licensure laws in your state because I'm a licensed professional counselor in Tennessee.

So I can see anyone in Tennessee,

I'm covered to work with them.

But beyond that,

We have to check with what your state allows in terms of whether I can cross state lines,

Even if it's in the virtual world.

But I also have colleagues that I've trained all over.

So we may be able to refer you to someone training some similar methods.

So tell people how they can find you.

What's your website?

Go to CourtneyArmstrong.

Net.

Why don't you spell that and I'll put this in the show notes too.

It's C-O-U-R-T-N-E-Y-A-R-M as in Mary,

S as in Sam,

T-R-O-N-G dot net.

Perfect.

And do you have any.

.

.

Sorry,

Go ahead.

Oh,

And I was just saying I'm on Facebook and Twitter and LinkedIn.

So you can find me there too.

Just Armstrong LPC is my handle for those social media sites.

Perfect.

And then do you have any sort of upcoming classes or groups or anything like that coming up?

I do.

Thank you.

Actually,

I do have an on this Friday or Thursday and Friday,

I'm doing a live webinar recording of one of my workshops.

And so I am,

If you go to my website,

There are some recordings of some of my live workshops and some podcasts.

So you can get more if you want to.

And I do have some three day weekend workshops coming up in 2019 and we'll be posting information about those soon.

So the website is the best place to go and you can sign up for our mailing list or we'll keep you up to date on all those things.

Awesome.

And there's something on your website too for free that you give away.

Yeah,

I give away how to Re-Consolidate a Traumatic Memory,

Five Steps.

Awesome.

It's a self-guided little tool that you can use.

Check her out you guys.

Well thank you so much Courtney.

This has been fabulous.

Okay,

Thank you.

I've just thoroughly enjoyed it.

I always love my time with you.

So we've got a book we're going to recommend,

Even though your book is not on Audible,

You have given me another one that I love so we're going to share that in a moment.

But Courtney,

We so appreciate having you on our show today.

Thank you.

Thank you for your time.

Thank you Michelle and thanks for what you're doing for the world.

Thank you.

All right everybody.

I will have a book for you in a moment but for now I will see you all seated firmly next week in the adult chair.

Okay everybody today's podcast is sponsored by Audible.

Get a free audiobook download and a 30 day free trial at www.

Audibletrial.

Com forward slash the adult chair.

So the book today is called The Body Keeps Score and it's by Bessel van der Kolk and he's one of the just Courtney,

You can even add to this,

The fathers of trauma,

Correct?

Yeah,

He is a psychiatrist in the Boston area who has developed a trauma center,

Harvard trained,

And he is kind of the grandfather right now and a pioneer in trauma treatment.

And one of the first psychiatrists that and that's why his book is called The Body Keeps a Score that he validated,

Hey,

Trauma is held in the body.

It's not just in your brain and it's not a disorder.

It's the way your body responds to something.

Thank you.

So the book is called The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk and we'll have this again in the show notes.

And for listeners of the adult chair,

Audible is offering this for free for you at audible trial.

Com forward slash the adult chair.

And don't forget to go check out the workshop coming up in Charlotte,

North Carolina,

January 26 and 27th.

You can check out that workshop at the adult chair.

Com forward slash workshop.

And I look forward to seeing you all next week seated firmly right here in the adult chair.

Have a great week everybody.

Reviews

I am speechless. I can’t thank you enough. Day #1 Let the healing begin.

Thank you so much for sharing this, it was really helpful and am so glad I found you here! Will check out your other episodes too for sure! 😍
Sending you love and light 🙏💫💫💫

This is the best thing I’ve listened to on insight timer!! Thank you for all the great tips!

Thank you...so much helpful information.

Wow. Eye opening on ptsd. Thank you so much!

Very informative. Thank you for sharing! ❤️🙏❤️

A great listen. Loved the suggestions for self-healing.

This talk was fantastic and so helpful. Thank you so much! 💜

This was helpful and full of suggestions I'd never heard before. I plan to listen to it again to understand better ways to address my own trauma.

Beautiful as usual! Thanks!

You will never know how many questions you answered in this interview. Cant thank you enough for shedding light on this tough subject. Blessings

I can say enough about this discussion. It was amazing. As a therapist I am so grateful for people like Courtney and Michelle who show courage and wisdom. Thanking for helping me and the world community!! ❤️