475: The Healthy Way To End A Relationship

In this episode, I’m sharing how to recognize when a relationship has run its course, what it means from a soul-growth perspective, and how to navigate endings without blame, shame, or judgment. You’ll also learn how to move forward with self-compassion and confidence, even when grief arises.

Transcript

Our souls come in here to learn,

Experience,

And grow.

Grow.

That means sometimes we're challenged and when we're in empowerment it's as though our awareness for how we see life expands.

Our lens for what we're looking at in the world starts to expand.

But can it be as simple as my soul is ready to part ways and take a different direction?

Period.

End of story.

So if I'm not aligned with you that means I'm not on the same wavelength as you.

Perhaps it's okay.

Hello,

Hello and welcome to the show.

I am really excited to be here with all of you today talking about how do we gracefully end relationships.

And I'm not just talking about partnerships.

Today we're going to talk about friendships,

Work,

Partnerships.

What if it's even a relationship with a family member?

There's a lot of people have asked me this question like how do I navigate this ending?

Like why is it ending?

What do I need to do?

How do I fix this?

And today I want to talk to you about this because maybe there's nothing to fix.

Maybe it truly is the ending of a relationship.

The question is how do you do that?

How do you do that gracefully?

And what I would call how do you do that from your adult chair?

Like how do we do that in a healthy way?

The healthiest way possible.

So that's what we're going to be breaking down today.

So I first want to talk about like from the highest level about relationships.

I firmly believe that we all come together for either an experience and or a learning or growth opportunity.

So think about that for a moment.

Let's think about what those two,

Let's break those down.

So we've got an experience which might be,

Think about I'm going to go on a roller coaster ride.

I'm going to go to an amusement park with you.

I'm going to go fishing with you.

I'm going to go sailing with you.

I'm going to go skiing with you.

I'm going to go travel with you.

Incredible experiences,

Right?

Those are experiences.

I'm going to travel.

I'm going to go surfing with you.

Whatever the heck it might be.

Incredible experiences that we can have.

I'm going to have a family with you and we're going to,

Again,

I'm not just talking about a partnership though.

It's every kind of relationship.

We have experiences with people.

We laugh.

We build memories.

All these incredible things.

We also have growth opportunities.

Take it or leave it.

This is what I believe.

I always say this.

You don't have to buy into what I'm suggesting,

But here's the thing.

Our souls come in here to learn,

Experience,

And grow.

Grow.

That means sometimes we're challenged.

Sometimes we're challenged.

That means we might have difficulties that arise in our lives,

And it's our job to look at those things and work through them.

They are growth opportunities,

Right?

Maybe you're having a difficult time with your child.

Maybe you're having a difficult time in your partnership.

Maybe you're having a difficult time in your job.

Are you able to turn toward yourself and ask yourself,

Why is this happening for me?

What am I learning about myself from this experience?

There could be a growth opportunity here.

What is it that I need to look at for myself and for this relationship?

It's a very,

Very important question.

When we ask that question,

What we're doing is we're actually bypassing or in a way just stepping aside or stepping around our ego that wants to battle,

That wants to fight,

That wants to be right,

That wants to fix it,

That wants to blame you.

Instead,

I love to ask that question now,

What am I here to,

How is this helping me?

What is this opportunity showing me about myself?

Because in reality,

Everything outside of myself out there,

In my experience,

In my life experience,

Is a reflection of what's inside of me.

So it's a growth opportunity.

It's a growth opportunity.

So what are you doing about that growth opportunity is the question.

Are you seeing it as a growth opportunity or as someone that's here to hurt you or blame or whatever is going on in your life?

So we really,

Really want to pause and ask ourselves these questions.

They're very powerful questions and it helps to take us out of that victim stance and helps us to step into empowerment.

And when we're in empowerment,

It's as though our awareness for how we see life expands.

Our lens for what we're looking at in the world starts to expand.

We go from a very limited perspective to a broader perspective of life,

Not just my life,

But life in general.

I start seeing things and noticing things I didn't see before when I go from victim to empowered.

And the way we do that again is asking ourselves,

Not why is this happening to me or why is that happening to me?

I ask myself,

Hold on a second,

I wonder why this is happening for me.

What is it that I'm here to learn?

What is it that I'm here to grow from this experience?

And I turn it toward myself and I really ask myself,

What am I learning here?

How can I learn?

So I invite you all to do that.

It's very powerful and it really transforms your stance on things.

And it does help you to feel more empowered and more,

I don't like the word control,

But really more in control of your life.

And you realize we are the creators of our reality.

We are creating all of this for us.

And I don't invite blame or shame or judgment on self when I say that or suggest that,

But it really does put us in the driver's seat of our lives.

So you'll want to ask that question.

I want to talk about just a few things when it comes to our relationships.

And I've had this experience with friendships.

I've had this experience with other people in my life,

Even in jobs,

Working with mentors,

Like you name it.

There have been people in my life that I was extremely close to,

Extremely close.

And then I started noticing that things started to change.

Things started,

And how did I know?

And how do we all know?

Things start feeling weird.

I feel uncomfortable when I'm with that person.

I feel maybe anxious when I'm with that person.

I feel prickly.

I feel like I can't say what I used to say.

I can't be myself when I'm with that person.

I can't,

I'm not relaxed when I'm with that person.

I feel guarded when I'm with that person.

Fill in the blank.

When you notice that things start to feel uncomfortable in some way,

Shape,

Or form,

It could be a signal that that relationship is changing.

And what I really want to say about that is that it could be that you've done nothing wrong.

And I'm not saying not to ask that other person,

Hey,

Have I done something?

You know,

Things feel like they're different.

I'm all about the inquiry process.

Ask that person,

Is everything okay?

We don't want to second guess.

We don't want to be in story about it for sure.

We want to ask for what's fact and truth.

So we're gathering data.

We do this from our adult chair.

We gather data.

We gather facts.

We gather truth.

So the first step is to ask that person,

Hey,

Is everything okay?

Things are feeling different.

Is there something we need to talk about?

I care about you.

I want to,

You know,

Whatever's going on.

And if you're still noticing,

Even after you have a conversation around and things continue to be difficult,

It might be because you are becoming two different people.

And it's not that either person has done anything wrong.

It's not that anyone's been bad or done anything to hurt you.

Or maybe it feels like,

Like it's hurtful,

But in reality,

Perhaps you're just not a match anymore.

And I love to listen to people when they say things like,

Oh,

We're just not on the same wavelength anymore.

I love that term because being on the same wavelength simply means if you think about what,

I mean,

We use energy terms all the time,

All the time,

Right?

So when you say things like I'm not on the same wavelength as so-and-so anymore,

I don't jive with them anymore.

What that means is energetically,

You have to remember that we are energy beings first in human suits.

So it means our energy is not aligning with that other person for whatever reason.

So if I'm not aligned with you,

That means I'm not on the same wavelength as you.

Perhaps it's okay.

Perhaps there's nothing to fix.

Again,

Perhaps you haven't done anything wrong.

Perhaps it's just that you're growing or they're growing in a different direction.

And the soul,

Again,

Remember,

We're here for soul growth,

Soul opportunities,

Soul experiences,

All these things.

Perhaps your soul has visited their soul for a number of years and the soul's like,

Yeah,

I'm done here.

And it doesn't mean there's anything wrong.

And it means it's time to part ways and regroup.

And it doesn't mean we're meant to go in a different direction.

What if it's okay?

You know,

It's when the ego gets involved that the ego wants to make someone wrong.

The ego wants to blame someone.

The ego wants to judge someone,

Whether it be yourself or someone else.

But can it be as simple as my soul is ready to part ways and take a different direction,

Period,

End of story.

That's it.

And when we can truly feel into that truth,

It sets us free.

It truly sets us free.

When we're able to realize what if on this higher perspective that my soul has come in here and I've learned what I need,

It's like graduating from high school.

Like I'm done.

I can graduate not just from high school,

But I can graduate from this person and they can graduate from me.

And it's not about being better than anybody else or I've done more work than them.

So therefore I'm not a match anymore.

Maybe that's true.

Maybe not,

But that's all ego stuff.

So let that go.

It's just like,

It's just,

We're not a match.

We're not vibing.

We're on the,

We're on different wavelengths.

Again,

I invite you to just say to yourself,

Maybe it's okay.

Maybe I don't have to be mad.

Maybe I can end this gracefully.

So how do we know when that relationship is over?

Again,

I just sort of shared that with all of you.

It's like,

I know when it's over because it starts to feel not the same as it once did.

There's an uncomfortability.

There's a,

I just don't want to hang out with them anymore.

I don't want to be with them anymore.

I get angry or anxious or uncomfortable or prickly or whatever it is when you're with that person.

You just start noticing.

The next thing you do,

Of course,

Is you ask,

Hey,

Is there anything I've done?

Is there anything we need to talk about?

Is there anything we can work on together to repair this or mend this?

Cause something feels different.

You're speaking truth from our adult chair.

We speak truth,

Fact and truth.

This is what's true for me.

The next thing we do is you might just start naturally drifting.

You know,

Perhaps it's a natural drift that starts happening and it's okay.

And what happens is,

Which I have found with myself and so many people over the years,

Friends,

Family,

Clients,

All of them is that typically once your energy starts to pull back from that,

That relationship,

Another person shows up and your energy starts to connect with someone new,

Whether it be a partner,

A friend,

A mentor,

A guide,

A therapist,

A coach,

I don't care who it is.

When you ask for that new person to show up,

They do show up.

But even sometimes when you don't ask,

They quite naturally do show up.

But the big takeaway here is really learning that all relationships or that some relationships end and it's because nobody did anything wrong.

It's just that they were done and to drop the blame and shame and judgment about self or other.

That's the biggest,

Biggest takeaway here.

I was reading someone's comment the other day on social media and it's so beautiful.

They were talking about how they went through,

He and his partner had gone through a divorce and it was a beautiful divorce.

And he said,

I just realized that it was over and we live,

We're such better friends living apart and we are having a really hard time living together,

But we did it gracefully.

We did it beautifully.

It's like,

That's what I'm talking about.

And I,

When I say this,

Trust me,

I worked with people long enough to know that not when we're ending a partnership,

Sometimes it's not that easy.

Sometimes there's one person or a friend,

They're not in their adult chair,

Let's face it,

You know?

And yeah,

And they're not graceful,

But you being the one that knows that this could be true,

That this is your truth,

To hold that truth energetically oftentimes shifts the other person.

And sometimes then they start showing up in a different way because we have showed up in a different way.

We're showing up not from anger.

And again,

It's,

It's not an easy,

This is not sometimes an easy thing,

But I realized the more we buy,

We step into what's fact and truth,

The easier it does become.

So then people have also asked me this question.

Well,

Then how do I navigate it moving forward?

Like,

How do I,

What do I do if I see him?

Do I just stop calling him?

Do I just stop texting them?

You know?

And again,

I say,

Well,

That's going into chin up land,

Which is the head,

Which is the mind,

Which is the ego and all that stuff,

Which is okay.

We're human.

We do that.

No big deal.

But I would invite you to drop chin down and ask yourself,

How does it make me feel?

Call so-and-so,

Text so-and-so,

Invite so-and-so over to all of these things.

Does it feel uncomfortable?

Does it feel like something I don't want to do,

But I should do?

You know,

The word should to me,

Should is from the ego.

Well,

I should do that because blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

I like to replace the word should with the C word,

Which is the word could.

I could call,

I could text,

I could invite them over.

Just feel that if you say that out loud,

Like I should versus I could.

You can even feel the energy of contraction coming in when you say the word,

Say it out loud right now,

Like I should,

Or to yourself even,

Even saying it to myself,

It's like,

Oh,

My whole heart contracts in.

But when you say the word could,

It's like this,

This beautiful opening,

Like,

Oh,

Wow,

You're right.

I could.

But it doesn't feel aligned.

That relationship doesn't feel aligned.

I don't want to do this anymore.

And it's okay.

Again,

Please take the statement for yourselves.

And it's okay.

And really feel the truth in that.

I don't want to text them.

I feel like I want to end this relationship.

I want to move on.

I need to spend less time with so and so.

And again,

If you end all of those sentences with,

And it's okay,

You've got to give yourself permission that it's okay.

You've got to be the one that's in that healthy adult self or that healthy adult perspectives that then able to say,

Yeah,

You know what?

It is okay.

I am going to move on.

And it's okay.

We've got,

That's that self-reassurance,

Self-compassion.

It's just a higher truth that relationships do.

And it's okay.

And when we see them in the future,

We have respect.

We're respectful.

We're kind.

We don't need to avoid,

You know,

I've been with some of my friends.

They're like,

Oh,

My God,

There's so and so in the restaurant.

We got to leave,

Or I don't want to see them.

I'm like,

Just say hello and move on.

Like,

It's okay.

It's okay.

What we don't want to do is place meaning around it.

And from our adolescent chair,

That's where ego is always trying to go in and place meaning around it,

Right?

So the ego wants to put meaning around everything.

Well,

If I don't do it,

Then that means what?

If I don't say hello,

That means what?

If I do this,

That means this.

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

Just,

I'm just going to say hello.

And then we're going to go sit down across the restaurant and be done with it,

Right?

It's okay.

My friends,

This takes practice.

Let me tell you what.

It takes practice.

Staying in this adult perspective,

You know,

Really staying solid in our true self,

It takes practice.

I have not mastered it,

But I'm much better at it,

I have to say.

And we get better at it with practice.

When we have an intention to be better at this kind of thing,

It gets easier.

When we start aligning with who we want to become,

It gets easier.

It really does.

You know,

We have to almost have like a touchstone for how we want to be in the world in general,

But also in,

You know,

Post-relationship here.

Well,

I want to be solid.

I want to be connected to myself.

I want to be in balance.

Then that's your touchstone for how do you act when you see that person in the future.

Okay.

The last thing is there might be grief.

You know,

When we end anything,

When a relationship ends in particular,

There might be grief.

So feel it.

Humans are very clumsy with grief.

We don't know how to do it.

So,

Of course,

We're clumsy with grief.

But even if you had a relationship with someone and it wasn't healthy and you didn't like them and it was not good and your friend,

You know,

Was sarcastic and not nice to you all the time,

All the things,

You might have had some really good times at some point.

And when that relationship ends,

You might notice some things bubbling up.

And we,

Again,

We sort for the good stuff in the past.

You know,

I've worked with people and they had horrific marriages.

And then when they're actually ending the marriage,

They're like,

Oh,

But they were so nice and this time and maybe I shouldn't be doing this because,

You know,

We naturally sort for oftentimes what was really good and all the best qualities of the past.

And that's okay.

So let that grief come up and through us.

Remember,

We're energy beings first in human suits.

So that means when we have emotions,

We let them flow through us just like a log flowing through a river.

Let your emotions flow through.

Grief can happen sporadically.

Grief can happen with,

You know,

You might have a day where you're very upset today or you're angry and then tomorrow you feel fine.

And then two weeks all of a sudden you feel kind of sad and you're in regret about ending that relationship.

It's all okay.

That's grief.

You know,

Sometimes a year later we might feel grief.

It's okay.

Grief,

There's no rhyme or reason for grief.

It just kind of comes and goes because our mind is going to bring up memories.

And again,

You got to remember we're energy beings.

So these memories just flow through us for no random reason.

We may look at a stop sign.

It reminds us the time when we were with that person and we're in the car,

We're stuck at a stop sign and it was from 10 years ago.

And oh my God,

Now I'm thinking about them.

Yeah,

That stuff happens.

So be easy on yourself and just remember none of this is a bad thing.

You're not a bad person.

If you feel this need to end a relationship,

It's okay.

And remember to say that to yourself because this is a fact of life.

This is a natural part of being human.

And at some point in our lives,

Most of us will go through this,

Ending some kind of relationship,

Whether it be,

Again,

Friendship,

Partnership,

Work relationship,

Whatever it might be.

But I hope that these few steps will help you through that.

And yeah,

And then you can live,

Again,

More in balance with yourself and realizing that you've done nothing wrong and you're certainly not a bad person.

You just have ended a relationship that was time to end.

Reviews

The grief flows through me regularly and the fear that a new person will not show up that I need. Thanks Michelle

So gentle and full of grace.