Understanding Your Ego | The Obstacle To Peace

We spend so much of our time lost in our virtual reality headset, believing the stories we are creating, "what I need to be happy..." "how unhappy I'll be if I get this..." and believing the little avatar in our headset (the ego) to be who we really are. The whole time we are watching this alternate reality we are missing the joy and peace that is right here and now.

Transcript

Universally,

What we all want is peace,

Contentment,

That feeling of being safe and secure,

That we belong,

Connection.

Universally,

All humans want this.

And we have spent a lot of our lives looking for this outside of ourselves,

Looking to find that peace,

That sense of completeness outside of ourselves in things,

In experiences,

In success and validation.

And what we found is that by chasing peace,

Contentment,

Happiness on the outside,

It just always seems to elude us.

We get there and maybe for just a flash,

We feel it.

And then it just starts right back up again.

And so we come to spiritual practice to find the peace and contentment within us that's always here,

That is our true nature,

Peace and contentment.

But we still kind of have this belief that it's still something for us to get,

Something that is something for us to attain,

That we need to do something in order to be peaceful.

And while we do need to do something,

That is true,

What we're doing is removing all of the obstacles that prevent us from knowing the peace that is our true nature.

And the main obstacle and what we're going to be focusing on for the next several weeks,

What we spend a lot of time talking about in these classes,

But we're really going to narrow our focus for the next 10 weeks,

Is the ego.

We're just lost in our egos.

We so believe that we are the ego,

The separate self,

That we live in these virtual reality headsets where we're constantly simulating our lives.

And in that simulation,

Simulating a little me that's experiencing a life different than the me that's right here in the present moment,

Where we wake up in the morning.

And when we wake up,

We all have those first few moments where we're orienting ourselves.

Where are we?

We're using our senses,

Our sight,

Our sound,

Our touch,

Taste,

Smell to recognize where am I?

And it takes us a few moments before we realize,

Oh,

I'm at home.

I'm in my bed.

I'm safe.

I'm here.

I'm okay.

And we feel peaceful.

It feels good.

That anchoring ourselves,

That knowing it's like that unsteadiness,

Where am I?

Oh,

I'm here.

I'm here.

I'm at home.

I'm safe.

I'm okay.

And then two seconds later,

We reach for that virtual reality headset.

We put it on and we start simulating what our day is going to be.

And not that there's anything wrong with doing a little bit of simulation.

Do I need to hop out of bed right away?

Do I need to be somewhere?

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

But we leave the virtual reality headset on the virtual reality headset on most of the day.

We're walking around.

Our body is in our home or in the office or driving in the car,

Walking on the beach,

Walking in the mountains.

But in our virtual reality headset,

There's a little me that needs something,

That needs to get over there,

That needs some success,

That needs some validation,

Needs some praise,

Needs to have some experience,

Needs to have some material object.

Because that little me in the simulation doesn't feel good.

It feels like it's lacking something.

Or it's pushing back in some way.

It's pushing back on something unpleasant,

Imagining all the things that could go wrong.

What if I don't get the praise?

What if I get the criticism?

What if I don't get the success?

What if I get the failure and the humiliation and the embarrassment that comes with that?

And we spend all this time in our simulation machine because most of our lives,

We can live on autopilot for a good portion of our day,

Going about doing things,

Doing the dishes,

Cleaning the house,

Showering,

Washing our hair,

Driving in the car,

Doing so many things that we can do on autopilot.

And so we're up in our heads in this little simulation machine,

Imagining there's a little me up here that's not me,

But this little me up here.

And somehow it's not getting what it needs.

It's incomplete.

And because we spend so much,

I mean,

An inordinate amount of time in the simulation,

We pay so much attention to the simulation,

To the little me in the simulation.

We trust our perception of reality more than we trust the reality of the present moment,

Of what I'm actually experiencing here and now through my senses.

We believe the simulation more than we believe reality,

Because this is what we are giving all of our attention to,

The illusion,

The obstacle to knowing the peace that is our true nature,

Because we're living in the simulation machine.

So we're starting today.

We're starting today,

I think what will be a 10-week series on the ego,

Of really understanding the ego,

How the ego is arising.

That's what we're going to focus on today,

Really understanding how the ego arises,

How it distorts our perception of reality,

How it takes us away from the peace,

How it makes us feel unsafe,

How it causes us to act in ways that end up harming us,

Not helping us,

Where we cut our nose off to spite our face because of the illusion,

Not because of reality.

And in the coming weeks,

What we're going to be doing is each week,

We're going to focus on one particular flavor or personality of the ego,

Of the ego,

Because it is the master of disguises,

The master,

So clever,

And it fools us over and over again.

We are constantly getting tricked by the ego.

So each week,

We're going to look at a different way in which the ego arises through judging or worrying,

Complaining,

Controlling,

Scorekeeping,

All of these different ways in which the ego arises so we can really be familiar with what the ego is trying to do.

It's trying to help us.

It thinks it's helping us.

But where it goes too far and where it keeps pulling us up into the illusion,

Where we believe that there really is a little me that is hurt because I was criticized or that there really is a little me that's feeling excluded,

Feeling rejected because someone didn't reply to my text in a timely manner.

So to really look at the many faces of the ego so that we're not getting fooled.

We do on this path,

We tend to,

We'll see the ego in certain ways and we think,

Well,

I'm not judging anymore.

I'm not comparing myself to others.

And it's like,

Wow,

It feels really good.

I've really seen through the illusion of that comparing mind.

And now it's not that that person has more than me.

That's the problem.

It's that I'm comparing myself to them.

That's why I'm feeling so badly.

And we see that and and we see that and it feels so good and it should feel good because there's a lot of spaciousness and freedom in seeing through that illusion.

But then it just pops up disguised as something else,

Something our neighbors are doing and something that we imagine it's infringing on us in some way.

Or we're starting to keep score with someone else like,

Oh,

I paid the last two times and they didn't pay.

Or I feel like I'm the one that's always helping and they're never helping.

And we caught it over here,

But now it's coming in another disguise and it's always coming in disguised as good advice.

We're always falling for it,

Believing it's good advice.

So we're going to go through the different characters of the ego,

Really spending time each week understanding the ego so we're not so easily caught off guard by it.

So you're more alert to it,

You're more able to catch it as it's arising.

So 2,

500 years ago when Siddhartha Gautama was sitting under the Bodhi tree and was getting very,

Very,

Very close to awakening,

His mind was very still,

It was clear.

He was really seeing the nature of reality that where our suffering is coming from through our attachment to desires and fears,

This illusion that we're this separate self that is attaching to these desires and fears.

And the cessation of suffering is to no longer believe in the illusion of separateness,

To see how this is creating our suffering.

He was so close.

And way off in the cosmos,

Mara gets wind of this.

And Mara is often depicted as the jokester,

The trickster,

The ego.

And so Mara hears that Siddhartha is very close to figuring out this whole illusion and he cannot have this because he might tell other people about it and then the whole jig would be up.

So Mara comes rushing down to earth and he's hiding behind some trees and he's looking at Siddhartha and he can see how deep in Samadhi Siddhartha is and that he is really seeing the nature of reality and how all this is arising and passing.

And he is panicked.

So immediately he materializes his three daughters,

His three beautiful daughters,

And they're standing before Siddhartha and they're in beautiful clothing and seductive clothing and they're dancing and they're trying to lure Siddhartha out of this state of Samadhi,

Right?

Bring him into desire,

To lusting,

To greed.

And Siddhartha does not flinch a hair.

Nothing moves on him.

He is so deep in his Samadhi.

He sees through the illusion of desire.

And he is not falling for it.

So Mara's a little bit concerned here and he says,

Okay,

I know.

Fear,

That'll get him.

Fear always works.

So instantly all these little demons appear and they're throwing these arrows,

These fire-tipped arrows at Siddhartha.

And when they get within a few feet of him they just fall to the ground.

None of them harming him.

And again,

Siddhartha doesn't flinch,

Doesn't move at all.

His mind completely still,

Completely clear,

Seeing the nature of reality.

So at this point,

Mara is freaking out.

He's got one trick left up his sleeve.

Doubt,

That will get him.

So he comes out from behind the tree and he stands before Siddhartha and he says,

Who do you think you are,

That you could be the awakened one?

Many others have tried before you,

Have practiced way longer than you have,

Way more merit.

What makes you think that you could be the enlightened one?

Who would be your witness?

And with that,

Siddhartha,

Now the Buddha,

The awakened one,

Opens his eyes and he presses his hand into the ground and the earth shakes and he says,

The earth is my witness.

And with that,

Mara realizes he's defeated and he retreats.

But over the years,

Throughout the rest of the Buddha's life,

The rest of the 40,

I think 45 years of his life,

Mara would still come to visit the Buddha.

And when he would,

Buddha would see him and he would say,

Ah,

I see you,

Mara.

What's going on with you today?

What's wrong?

What's the problem?

Would you like a cup of tea?

Because he didn't fear Mara any longer.

He saw through the illusion.

He saw that he was not the ego.

And so he no longer feared it.

And I think sometimes in spirituality,

We get into this idea that I've got to kill the ego,

I've got to destroy the ego,

Which really just sounds like something the ego would say,

Right?

Right?

Because that kind of resisting that pushing back on it.

But the ego is an illusion.

It's not real.

You can't kill an illusion.

You can't destroy an illusion.

You can see through an illusion.

And that's what we are trying to do,

To stop identifying with the simulated me,

The illusion of me as the ego,

The illusion of me lacking in some way,

Separate in some way.

And to come out of the simulation and into the present moment,

Living in reality.

But we don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater because every now and then,

I mean,

Every now and then,

The ego is actually giving us some good advice.

It cries wolf most of the time.

But every now and then,

There's actually a little bit of good advice.

And so to just completely dismiss the illusion as though it's not trying to do something to help us,

I think doesn't benefit us.

But we do need to be more discerning.

Because out of a thousand thoughts,

999 are just distorting and exaggerating our sense of reality,

Who we are,

And not true,

Not even remotely helpful.

But every now and then,

There is a helpful thought.

So we do need to be more discerning there.

And I don't think we want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

And I think also,

It's helpful to use,

To be able to simulate,

Right?

To be able to think about the future,

To plan for the future,

Maybe reflect about the past in a healthy way,

Right?

Trying to learn something,

Trying to contemplate something,

Right?

We don't want to imagine that we can't ever think either,

Because thinking is not the enemy.

It's the quality of our thoughts and the quantity of our thoughts that's the problem.

And that we believe at the center of our thoughts,

That little me to be me,

That we believe the simulated me more than we believe the reality of who I really am.

That's where it becomes a problem for us.

That's what we're trying to see through.

That's the illusion that we're trying to see through.

So the ego,

How does it arise?

It arises through our thoughts,

Right?

Only through thoughts,

And only through thoughts about me,

Always about me.

So two main kinds of thoughts,

Desire thoughts.

I want something out there.

I want a new house.

I want a new car.

I want a new experience.

I want a new meditation cushion.

I want a new client.

I want a new,

You know,

I want some success,

Right?

I want something.

And it's not just even the wanting,

Like there's nothing wrong with saying you want to progress in your career,

You want a new partner,

You want.

.

.

The wanting in and of itself is not the problem.

It is the belief that if I got that,

That somehow I would fill this aching hole inside of me,

And I would feel complete.

That the peace that I am seeking would be available to me if I could just get this object outside of me or this praise outside of me,

This success,

This experience.

And then on the other side of desire,

Two sides of the same coin is fear,

Right?

The fear of getting something I don't want,

The criticism,

The losing,

The failure,

The blame,

The big bill,

The bad back pain,

The broken toilet,

Right?

So,

And again,

This one's kind of a little bit harder for us because we think,

Well,

Why wouldn't I push back on that which is unpleasant?

And the reality is we all face unpleasant situations,

Right?

We all get criticized and blamed from time to time.

Anyone who's trying something new also experiences failures,

That's part of it.

But it's this idea that pushing back on it,

That if I didn't have this,

Then I could be happy,

Then I could be peaceful if I didn't have this unpleasant thing happening.

So we really even set ourselves up to say,

I can't be happy now because I'm perceiving,

And most of the time it's not even happening,

But I'm perceiving I might be getting something unpleasant,

So I can't be happy now.

And even in the wanting side,

Well,

I can't be happy because until I get it,

Until I get over there.

And so in the desire and the fear,

Again,

Two sides of the same coin,

If I'm desiring wanting to get over there somewhere other than where I am,

I'm also fearful what if I don't get there?

Or what if you get there first?

What if there's not enough left for me?

So two sides of the same coin,

There's always this sense that no matter how the ego is arising through desire,

Fear,

And sometimes it can be a little bit more pronounced on one side versus the other.

We can really kind of be clear of the object that I'm chasing or resisting,

But you look a little more closely and you find it's all in there.

And so every time we're lost in the simulation,

Pushing back on something,

Reaching out for something,

Imagining that somehow I will feel complete on the other side of this,

What we are doing in this moment,

We feel the sense of lack.

We feel the sense of separateness and incompleteness because we have literally split ourselves into two.

I am now this little thing up here,

This little imaginary me,

This avatar,

And it's not getting what it wants.

And if I look at that and I think,

Wow,

It's so unhappy.

It's so afraid it's not going to get what it wants.

It's so afraid it's going to end up getting what it doesn't want.

And believing that more than the reality that I'm sitting here perfectly safe,

That everything's okay.

I have enough food in the fridge.

I have a roof over my head.

Sure.

There's things to do.

There's experiences to be had,

Goals to attain,

Right?

All that stuff.

Sure.

Toilets to be fixed.

I keep referencing that because my toilet overflowed last night.

Sure.

There's things to be done.

Of course,

Of course.

But to live here in reality and not to imagine that my peace is somehow dependent upon what's happening in the external world.

Because this simulation of me will never find satisfaction.

It is endless.

We create imaginary problems,

Thought created problems.

And now we need to keep thinking to have thought created solutions to my imaginary thought created problem.

To appease a little thought created me that will only be satisfied for a few moments until it goes,

Okay,

But what else?

But what else?

It's insatiable.

It never,

Never ends.

And we end up paying the price because in this moment,

When we're perfectly safe,

When we're fine,

When everything is okay,

We feel small,

We feel finite,

We feel separate,

We feel unworthy,

We feel like we don't belong.

We feel anxious.

Every time we get lost in the illusion,

Even in a good illusion,

Like even in of thinking,

Oh,

Wouldn't it be great if I won the lottery,

Right?

We've all had that thought before.

Oh,

Wow,

Wouldn't that be cool?

And what would I buy if I won the lottery?

I'd buy a house here and I'd buy a house there.

And this is how I'd live my life.

And as we're imagining all the things we would do with our lottery winnings,

Then it starts,

The tide starts turning to fear.

What am I going to do when everyone starts asking me for money?

Because there won't be enough for everyone.

Oh no,

I'm going to have to have this done in some type of trust.

And how can I have this set up in a way that makes it clear to everyone?

I'm not going to be supporting everyone else.

And will it be enough?

I thought 10 million was enough.

Maybe I need 50 million.

But don't forget taxes.

Oh,

How much am I going to have to pay in taxes?

Like already we take a good,

A good,

Uh,

What we perceive as a good fantasy and it doesn't take long before we start bringing in the problems.

And here we are now panicked about everyone asking us for our millions that we don't even have.

Feeling small,

Feeling finite,

Feeling as though we're lacking and incomplete when the reality is we are complete.

We are,

We are not lacking in any way.

We're safe.

We're okay.

But because we give all of our attention to the thought created me,

That is the one we believe more than we believe reality.

And it is simply an illusion.

It is not real.

Right?

It arises through thought.

If I have a thought that,

Uh,

You know,

A thought about you're feeling excluded in some way,

Someone saying,

Oh,

Did you get invited to the party?

And you're like,

No,

I didn't.

Right?

And so,

Oh,

Somehow I've been rejected and feeling excluded.

And,

Uh,

When you're having the thoughts later,

You hang up the phone with the person maybe that mentioned it,

Or you're,

You're,

You're back on your own,

You're doing something,

You're on autopilot and the thought keeps coming up.

Oh my God,

I was rejected.

Oh my God,

What happened?

Why wasn't I invited?

What's wrong with me?

Right?

And I feel,

You know,

The attention is all on this little me,

This wounded little me,

The little avatar in my thought created fan,

Um,

Simulation.

That the little thought created me is rejected is small.

No one must like it.

Something's wrong.

I'm in danger.

I'm afraid.

And we feel it in our body.

We really feel it.

But then something happens.

And for some reason,

The thought goes away for a bit.

Maybe someone calls and we're talking with them for a little bit and we hang up the phone.

We go,

Something was bothering me before.

What was going on?

Oh,

That's right.

I was rejected.

And up it comes again,

The little wounded me once again,

But where did it go when we weren't thinking about it?

It wasn't just very small,

Right?

We just didn't see it.

Doesn't exist.

It only exists in our thoughts.

It only arises in thoughts about me.

What do I want to feel complete?

What do I not want to feel complete?

You know,

What are they doing over there?

And how is it affecting me?

Right?

Because don't underestimate the ego's ability to make everything about me.

Even when it has nothing to do with me,

It makes everything's about me.

What do they think about me?

What do I think about me?

Through these thoughts,

There's a little wounded me,

A little hurt,

Lacking,

Incomplete,

Unworthy,

Unlovable,

Separate.

You know,

Everyone else is having a good life,

But not me.

Look at my little avatar.

Everyone else is happy,

Has the perfect partner,

Perfect job,

Going on fun holidays,

But not me.

I'm separate from all of this.

It's an illusion.

It arises through thoughts,

And when those thoughts about me go away,

So does the ego.

But we don't see that.

We still just think,

Oh,

Well,

I forgot for a moment,

But now it's right back again,

And we just keep chasing our tail in this cycle.

But the ego arising is no different than how a rainbow arises.

A rainbow arises through causes and conditions.

I mean,

Everything arises through causes and conditions,

But a rainbow arises through specific causes and conditions.

A certain amount of water in the air,

The light at a particular angle,

And a human being,

Because we see in that particular light wave spectrum to see the rainbow.

You take one of those conditions away,

And the rainbow doesn't exist.

It's not that it becomes small.

It does not exist.

You take one of those conditions away,

And the ego is no different than the rainbow.

An illusion,

An illusion,

Simply an illusion.

And of course,

I know we would say,

Well,

But there's consequences in the thought created me,

Because maybe something really is going on.

Maybe it was trying to get my attention,

Because remember,

One out of a thousand thoughts,

Not a scientific number,

Just my estimate of its accuracy,

One out of a thousand thoughts,

It might be telling us something that we need to be alerted to.

It might be telling us something useful,

Where we need to set a boundary with someone.

Someone's behaving in a way that's toxic,

Where we do think,

Yeah,

The situation isn't working for me anymore at this office.

The boss has become too toxic,

Or I'm not saying that I got looked over for a couple of promotions,

Let's say.

And there is a point where you go,

Yeah,

Maybe I'm not going to get the promotion here.

I'm not saying my happiness and my peace is dependent upon that promotion,

Because it's not.

It doesn't mean that there's not a time where you go,

You know,

I think it might be time to move on.

I think it might be time to look for something else.

So there are,

This is the,

This is where the hook,

Where the ego gets us,

Because it's like,

But sure,

It's the same nature of the rainbow,

But there's no consequences of the rainbow arising and passing away.

This little representation of me,

Every now and then,

It might be giving me some good advice.

But 99.

999% of the time,

It's not.

It's just causing us to act out in ways that are childish,

Where at best,

We just,

We cause ourself a ton of suffering,

Right?

Just constantly lost in that thought,

Feeling small,

Feeling limited,

Feeling unworthy,

Right?

Feeling afraid when we're perfectly safe,

Right?

That's kind of the best case scenario.

The worst case scenario,

We fire off some angry text to someone,

We cut our nose off to spite our face,

We shoot ourselves in the foot,

Because we just feel so threatened,

We feel so outraged by this imaginary scenario that we feel now we've got to act on it,

Right?

So yeah,

Definitely consequences that way for us.

And so it is important for us to start to be more discerning with the ego,

To know when it is being helpful,

And when it's not being helpful,

To not assume that every single thought is valid.

I mean,

We give it total license.

We assume whatever thought pops into our head,

Well,

It must be true.

I'm perceiving I'm being attacked in that way.

I'm perceiving that someone was rude to me,

Or someone was passive aggressive with me,

Or someone ignored me,

Or didn't respond to me quickly enough.

I'm perceiving a threat there.

Most of the time,

It has nothing to do with us,

Right?

We never think,

Well,

Maybe we could give them the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe I could give myself the benefit of the doubt,

Because maybe I said something that you know,

Kind of came across as not very kind,

Or it was kind of,

You know,

I said something stupid.

You know,

I embarrassed myself in some way.

Instead of,

You know,

We automatically,

We just go right,

Oh,

Yep,

I'm a loser.

I'm an idiot.

I'm the only one in the world that's ever said anything stupid.

Right now,

Billions of people are saying something stupid,

Billions of people are saying something stupid,

Right?

We all do it several times a day,

Right?

So,

But instead,

We believe this little avid,

Oh,

My God,

We can be in our house perfectly safe.

Everything is okay.

And yet we believe this,

Oh,

No,

I'm wounded.

I'm an idiot,

Right?

I'm one thing,

Right?

I'll never recover from this,

Right?

It feels so compelling.

It's so compelling.

And we believe every single thought instead of even thinking,

Well,

You know what,

Maybe I could just give myself the benefit of the doubt.

Yeah,

I had a tough moment.

Maybe something didn't come out as eloquently as I was hoping it would.

Yeah,

I said something stupid,

Didn't hurt anyone,

Let's say.

It's like,

Okay,

You're human,

Right?

Self-compassion,

You're human,

You're human.

So to be much more discerning with our ego as well.

So I think for what I'd like us to do for this week as we start this series,

So again,

I think it's going to be about 10 weeks.

I might add an extra character,

And we've done this series before,

And I might add one more character in,

So it might be 11 weeks.

But to be,

Of course,

More mindful,

Right?

This is where our mindfulness practice is.

We're looking to see what's going on in our experience.

Let's be clear,

We know what's taking us away from the present moment,

The ego,

Right?

We know that.

The Buddha said we should have sentinels guarding every sense door because we know Mara is just lurking,

Just waiting to catch us,

Just putting on another disguise,

Just waiting to get us as soon as we're off this call.

It's just waiting,

Just waiting in the wings,

Just,

Oh,

Let me get them,

You know,

Gotcha,

Right?

Doubt,

Fear,

Desire,

What can I do,

Right,

To hook them in,

To fool them,

To trick them?

So our mindfulness practice is our core practice at really being clear.

Expect Mara,

Expect Mara.

And you know,

Every time you're coming into,

Any time Mara is arising,

The ego is arising,

There is a certain amount of tightening that happens with it,

A certain amount of clenching,

Right?

It can be just a little bit of tightening,

Maybe you're doing the dishes,

And the mind's just already at the next thing,

Right?

And it's like,

Nothing too personal,

Right?

It's just,

Ah,

I see you,

Mara,

Come back,

Right?

You just bring yourself back,

Or you're driving to the store and you see your mind already at the store,

No,

Just bring it back,

Just bring it back.

So,

You know,

Our mindfulness practice,

Recognizing the tightening,

And even as I say the tightening,

And AJ,

I will get to these questions in a few moments,

Even when I say the tightening,

Because we don't notice the thoughts,

The thoughts are too quick,

They're too insidious,

They're just,

We don't notice the thoughts,

But we don't really even notice the tightening.

We're so used to walking around as this kind of bundled up,

You know,

Something's wrong,

Always feeling this little sense of something's not quite right.

So I'm asking you to be aware of the tightening,

And it's why our meditation practice in the morning is so important,

To have that sense of calm and balance,

To know what it's like to feel that sense of spaciousness and ease.

So when the tightening happens,

Ah,

Something's happening,

Mara has arrived.

And to say,

Just like the Buddha did,

I see you,

Mara,

I see you.

As soon as you say,

I see you,

Mara,

You're coming out of the illusion.

Because one moment,

You were fully believing that was you in there that was getting criticized,

That was hurt.

I mean,

Even just criticism,

We all experience that.

But someone criticizes us once,

They say one critical thing to us,

And then we just repeat it a thousand times in our head,

Over and over and over.

Who's creating the suffering,

Right?

The criticism happened,

It came and it went,

Maybe we learned something,

Maybe it was useful,

Maybe it wasn't.

But we just keep going over it again and again and again.

So being mindful and saying,

Ah,

I see you,

Mara,

I see you,

Mara.

And then being so discerning,

Because discernment is a huge part of our practice,

Investigating what's going on in our experience in that moment.

What's happening right now?

What am I thinking about?

Oh,

I'm thinking they have more than me.

Oh,

I'm thinking I need something in order to be complete.

I'm thinking I'm judging myself for something.

You know,

Is it true?

Byron Katie offers that teaching and her teachings.

Is it true?

And then ask yourself again,

Is it really true?

Is it really true?

Or is it useful?

Really looking at it,

And I'm going to give you an analogy to help you to really give you an idea for the type of discernment we're looking for here.

If every day you could only go to one taco stand for lunch,

And you go there for lunch,

It's your one meal of the day,

You got to have it.

And it's kind of a buffet,

And there's 100 tacos sitting out there.

And the proprietor says,

Oh,

Come,

You know,

Meredith,

Have your taco.

Take your one taco here.

But let me warn you first.

99 of those tacos are filled with cow manure.

Only one taco you would want to eat.

99 are filled with cow manure.

You would look very carefully in each taco.

You would bring a level of skepticism to every taco imagining,

Oh,

This one could be it,

This one could be it,

This one could be it.

Right?

We do it the opposite.

We get all of the cow manure tacos,

And we say,

Oh,

No,

This one's surely not this one,

Surely not this one.

So bringing that level of discernment,

Assuming most of them are going to be pretty crappy thoughts.

Most of them need to be put down.

There's nothing to do.

There's no action to be taken whatsoever.

So really bringing that level of first,

Right,

Noticing the tension,

I see you,

Mara,

And looking,

What's going on here?

I think the problem's out there,

Right?

Because we know that's what Mara does.

Oh,

It's out there.

It's what my neighbor's doing.

It's what I said earlier.

It's what I've got to do later,

That feeling of overwhelmed of what I've got to do later,

Or the,

Oh,

The focusing on,

I just need that relationship fixed.

I just need my partner to start meditating,

Right?

It's always pointing our attention outwards,

And we're saying,

No,

The problem isn't out there.

The problem's in here,

The way we're relating to it.

So really looking,

Being discerning of every single thought,

Assuming they are lies and distorting our perception of reality,

That being our first assumption.

Let it prove itself to be true.

Is there something valid here,

Right?

And even just in that separation of just saying,

I see you,

Mara,

Like really,

It's not me,

But perhaps there is something,

Perhaps amongst all of this,

There is one little thought that might be helpful.

And seeing it in that way,

We're not as fearful.

We're not as wrapped up in it.

So we can be more discerning that,

Oh,

You know,

Maybe I should go.

Maybe I did say something that could have been perceived as threatening or rude or unkind.

And I just think I would rather take an action and just say something to the person.

Like,

Yeah,

That's a healthy response to go and say to someone,

I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.

Not from the standpoint of,

Oh my God,

I need them to tell me I'm okay,

Right?

How many times do we go for forgiveness because we need them to make us feel better because we can't stand the little wounded me up here that hurts someone.

But instead recognizing,

Oh yeah,

That behavior happened.

And I didn't mean to hurt them.

That wasn't my intention.

I hope they're not hurt,

That it's not about me.

I hope they're not hurt.

So if there's an action that's coming out of it,

It's more appropriate.

Or if it's an action,

Maybe it's someone that is hurting us.

It's a relationship that doesn't feel good,

Where you don't feel like there's a reciprocal,

Reasonable balance of give and take in the relationship,

Where you don't feel like you even want to be around the person.

And it's like,

Yeah,

I really don't enjoy being around them.

It doesn't feel good.

Maybe they're complaining a lot.

They're dealing with something and they just,

They can't get over it.

And every time you're with them,

It feels like a therapy session,

Right?

And so,

You know,

A thought like that,

Like,

Okay,

My happiness is not dependent upon this.

That's the key.

My happiness,

My sense of feeling complete,

The peace that I ultimately seek,

Is not dependent upon,

You know,

Whether I have this relationship resolved or not.

Something perhaps needs to be done.

A boundary needs to be set.

You know,

Maybe a conversation needs to be had.

Maybe a conversation doesn't.

Maybe it can naturally just fall apart.

You know,

Just not engaging much with that person anymore,

Making that call,

But never imagining that my happiness is dependent upon the resolution of this.

Because if I make my happiness dependent upon it,

I will suffer now.

And then ultimately,

When it gets in some way resolved,

I will just continue the pattern of then,

Well,

Now what else?

What else?

The ego is insatiable,

Insatiable.

It is never satisfied.

It will have a moment's break.

And the moment break,

The moment of satisfaction that you actually do feel when you say got the object or you push the unpleasant object out of the way,

The reason you feel peace is because the ego,

The illusion,

You've dropped out of it for a few moments.

The thinking has ended for a few moments,

But only to start right back up again.

It's not the objects.

It's not the experience.

It's not the praise.

It's not the criticism.

It's not the validation.

It's not the getting what we want or the not getting what we don't want.

Those things are all just moving pieces for all of us,

Right?

We have experiences.

Some are more pleasant than others,

And that's fine,

Right?

Enjoy the pleasant.

Yay,

It's fun,

Right?

Enjoy it.

Have gratitude.

And when something's unpleasant,

We deal with it.

We don't push back on our minds.

I can't believe this is happening to me as though I'm the only person on the earth that's ever been criticized or didn't have a text responded to or lost a client,

Whatever it is,

Right?

As though I'm the only person this has ever happened to because that's another telltale sign of the ego.

It's always making us feel that we are so fundamentally broken and separate.

But it is the arising of the ego that creates the separation in the first place and then sends us on this wild goose chase our whole lives,

Looking for peace,

Just kind of getting there for a moment only to have it pulled out from under us again.

We'll never find it in the ego.

That's the illusion that we are waking up to.

You are not separate.

You are not this little avatar.

It can be a helpful representation at times,

Planning,

Imagining what you might want to do in the future,

Maybe change careers.

It can be a helpful little avatar for us.

But don't get confused and believe that the avatar is you.

It's not you.

It will only take you further away from the peace,

The contentment,

The spaciousness that you want,

The peace and space and contentment that is here right now.

So for this week,

Really focusing,

Being really mindful of just Mara,

Noticing the tightening,

I see you,

Mara.

I see you being discerning about the thoughts,

Assuming that 99% of them are outright lies and distorted,

But investigate,

Still investigate to prove that to yourself.

So you can keep bringing yourself back to the present moment.

Oh yeah,

I'm safe.

I'm here.

I'm okay again.

And notice that difference when you come out of it and you're like,

Oh,

I'm here.

Oh,

I really believed it for a moment.

I really believed it.

And now I feel the peace.

It really is here.

But because we keep giving our attention to the illusion,

We believe the illusion,

We trust the illusion,

We don't trust the present moment.

So it's a practice.

It's a practice.

I see you,

Mara.

I am not buying what you are selling today.

Selling today,

Right?

See it more clearly.

So being more on the lookout,

You know,

It's going to arise.

He's hiding behind the trees.

He's hiding under your desk,

Behind your chair right now,

Just waiting to come out.

But you're more prepared.

You're more prepared.

You know,

He's going to come out.

You know,

That tension that arises,

That feeling of fear,

And you'll investigate it with a skeptical eye,

Not presuming innocence,

But presuming guilt to begin with,

Flipping it the other way around.

And then when you're back in the present moment,

Feeling the peace that is here right now,

Feeling the peace.

And then next week,

We will start to bring in some of the ego characters,

Kind of look at some of the ways in which the disguises of how it really comes out,

Really bringing our level of awareness on the different flavors or the different faces of the ego even more so,

Even more awareness,

Because the ego lives in the unconscious.

If we're unconscious,

The ego rules us.

But once we become more aware,

Once we become more mindful,

Once we're on the lookout for it,

And we start to see the different ways in which it's arising,

Doesn't stand a chance.

Right now,

Mars in the cosmos going,

Oh,

No,

Oh,

No,

They're going to figure me out.

Yes,

Yes,

That is the objective,

To know the peace that is your true nature,

To know the peace and the contentment,

The feeling of being complete and whole,

And that sense of belonging,

That is here right now,

To be here in reality,

So that we can see how everything is arising moment by moment,

How we are arising moment by moment,

To see the beauty in this world,

The interconnection,

The interdependence.

Every time you send a heart and even,

You know,

Your comments ensue,

Thank you for your donation,

Right?

You are affecting me,

My words,

You know,

Affecting you,

Right?

It's all,

You know,

We miss all of this because we get lost in this little avatar.

So we're bringing much more awareness to it,

Much more putting a spotlight on it.

This is the main obstacle,

The ego.

This is the main problem for us.

We think we are the ego.

You are not.

Absolutely,

You are not.

Reviews

Learning more about the path of the Buddha has been an integral aspect of my further trauma recovery this year. I'm grateful for the clarity and accessibility of the dharma talks by Meredith Hooke, at least those I've listened to so far. I don't call myself a Buddhist (yet?), but feel understanding that I am not my feelings about whatever circumstances is directly relevant to trauma recovery and just good mental wellness. I wish they taught this in primary education around the world.

Oh my goodness! It makes sense. Laughing (I'm a visual person.. Tacos full of #$it.. hehehehe!) The simulated me (Matrix/Mario Bros). To lose sight of what's happening now.
It's like I really have to put myself in check asking myself what really matters. This thing called Mara jumping into my head 🤪.

Already, trying & thinking about the rainbow 🌈 🤔 analogy.

Mind blast! 🚀 I have take off.

Namaste 🙏 ❤️ 😅🫣🤔😊

i know i’m repeating myself, but this series of talks on the ego could not have happened at a better time in my life. my beloved husband died 15 months ago and hospice counselors let me know the brain does wacky things around grief. my ego has constantly nagged at, I could’ve, I should’ve done this or that. these talks are not only giving me sanity they are helping me process my grief in a kinder, more compassionate way.

I loved the analogy of the 100 tacos 🌮- using that one! 🙏✨🦋🌹🕊️🌮🪷🌞🌈♥️🌹✨🙏

Another excellent session! Namaste, Meredith. 💕🙏🏼