Sangha Live: Loving-Kindness + Meditation, Healing Our Hurt

In this week’s sangha gathering on IT, we explored the power of loving-kindness—how opening the heart supports both healing and connection. We reflected on the importance of the heart in spiritual practice and offered a guided loving-kindness meditation, turning compassion inward to tend to our own wounds and then extending care outward to others.

A gentle, nourishing session on remembering that healing begins with the heart.

Transcript

All right,

Well,

We'll start with the meditation.

Does anyone have a request for the meditation?

I mean,

I'm happy to always come up with something,

But if someone has something you're kind of working through that you'd like us to kind of weave into the meditation,

I'm happy to do that.

So,

Loving kindness.

Okay,

Sue,

We will do a loving kindness meditation today.

That's a wonderful suggestion.

Wonderful.

Oh,

Okay.

Yeah,

I would have.

.

.

Open awareness is also very good.

Let me go with loving kindness today.

Maybe we'll do open awareness next week.

Okay,

So we'll do a loving kindness meditation.

And if any of you are new to loving kindness meditation,

I'll just give a couple of words for Sue.

The first few times you can do the practice,

It can feel very kind of like you don't really feel anything.

Like it feels kind of like you're going through the motions,

But you're not really sure like,

Oh,

Like,

What am I supposed to be feeling here?

What am I supposed to be doing?

And so I would just offer to you to remember that anytime we do something for the first time,

It always feels a little bit awkward.

And getting in touch with our hearts.

Unfortunately,

For those of us in the West,

It feels very awkward for us.

We're not used to,

We're not used to the language of loving kindness,

Whether when it's for ourselves,

When it's for other people,

When it's for a difficult person.

We're not used to using this language.

And it's a language that we should get very familiar with.

Because loving kindness is an incredibly powerful meditation that really helps pull the thread out of the story of what we are typically telling ourselves about other people when we're judging other people,

When we're judging ourselves,

When we're comparing to other people.

It,

You know,

We're just kind of carrying on about someone is a difficult person and how much happier we would be if that person was no longer in our lives.

We get so lost in the story of the difficult person that we forget,

Oh,

Actually the difficult person isn't the problem.

The problem is that I can't let go of the story about wanting them out of my life.

Because think about how much of the time we spend thinking about a difficult person when they're not even here.

So that clearly shows we are the ones that need to do some work here.

We are the ones that need to pull the thread out of the story that we are telling of ourselves about this other person.

Because the longer we get lost in those stories,

Right,

The more our hearts close up,

The more pain and suffering we are causing for ourselves and for those around us as well.

Because when our hearts are closed,

We are not particularly kind people.

You know,

We think that we can compartmentalize and just,

I'm going to think unkind thoughts about this one person over here and not imagine that that's not going to,

That judging isn't going to start infiltrating into other parts of our lives,

Particularly towards ourselves.

So we have to be careful because when we're getting lost in stories about difficult people in our lives or feeling just very closed off or disconnected from other people and doing that through a story,

That's a practice.

Like,

That's our practice.

Oh,

I did three hours of judging practice today.

No one wants to spend five minutes of judging practice.

If you're judging someone else,

You're going to start judging yourself.

And then,

And also just another benefit of loving kindness is that even if we're just,

It's not necessarily someone,

Typically we think about it with a difficult person.

We're kind of trying to open our hearts to more people,

To,

You know,

Kind of slowly do it through loving kindness for ourselves,

Then loving kindness for a friend,

Loving kindness for a neutral person,

Loving kindness then for a difficult person.

So this way in which we open up our hearts so that by the time we get to the difficult person,

Like we really are seeing them more clearly.

And we're really,

We're really seeing that this is another human being that just like me wants to be loved and accepted and included.

Like they just want the same things that I want.

And so it really helps us to dissolve that story that we're telling about this other person.

But even if it's us,

That we're just feeling a little bit down and we're just kind of judging ourselves as we often do.

And in that moment,

What we can do is again just through the practice of loving kindness,

Saying to myself,

Like saying,

Imagining myself and saying,

I wish you were happy,

You know,

May you be safe,

May you be well,

May you know that you're loved,

May you know that you're appreciated,

Right?

To say these things in a way that even if I'm not feeling it,

I do wish these things,

Right?

Of course,

I may be happy,

Right?

I may not feel happy.

And so I wouldn't say I'm happy if I'm not feeling it.

But I could always say,

May you be happy.

And in that way,

It starts to remind us again,

Like,

Oh yeah,

I can soften into this.

I can open my heart to my unpleasant feelings,

These unpleasant sensations.

And in opening my heart to what's here through loving kindness,

Even though maybe you still feel a little bit off,

You still feel a little bit,

You're just having a tough day.

There's a softening in there.

There's an opening of your heart to what it is that's here.

And in that way,

It just beautifully transforms the experience that we're having in that moment.

Not to say,

Oh,

I've got to get from here to there.

But let me come into,

Let me feel what's here.

And through these kind wishes,

Really allowing what's here to be here.

And I'm waking up our heart in that moment.

So it's a beautiful practice.

I'll go through the language.

We'll start with ourselves.

So you're just going to imagine yourself in your mind's eye.

And we'll,

And I'll give you the language.

May I be happy?

May I be safe?

May I be well?

And I'll just continue giving you some more language.

And as best you can,

To just hold this vision,

You know,

This image of yourself in your mind's eye.

And sending these thoughts,

These kind and loving thoughts to yourself.

Again,

Very atypical for the types of thoughts we tend to have towards ourselves.

So it might feel a little bit strange.

It might feel a little bit awkward.

And that's okay.

That's okay.

So just expect that that might happen.

Okay,

No problem.

No problem.

Just trusting that again,

Anytime we do something new,

It always feels a little bit awkward.

Don't look for fireworks.

Don't look for tears.

Don't look for anything.

Just to do the practice and to see where it leads you.

And if you're brand new to it,

Thinking,

Okay,

Well,

If it feels a little awkward,

That's okay.

Meredith said it would feel a little bit awkward.

Let me just keep following along and let's see what happens here.

So having an open mind to love and kindness.

Okay.

And hi,

Evie and Char.

Good to see you guys.

Okay,

So just come into a comfortable position.

Make sure your back is straight.

Close your eyes.

And we'll start with a few deep breaths in and out through the nose.

So really opening up.

Big,

Big inhale.

Filling up as much as you can.

A long,

Slow exhale.

Just feeling that sense of release.

And on your own,

Just taking a couple more deep breaths like that.

And at the end of your next exhale,

Let your breath be natural.

And become aware of your breath at your heart center,

In the center of your chest.

Imagining as if you're breathing in and out of your heart center.

We'll stay here for a minute or so just to bring the mind into a relative state of calm.

Feeling that gentle expansion on each inhale,

Softening on the exhale.

And now I want you to imagine in your mind's eye an image of yourself.

It can be an image of you sitting here right now or sitting in your favorite place.

And even if you don't have a strong visual sense of yourself,

With the intention that you are talking to yourself,

Let that be enough.

And as you say the words,

May I be happy.

May I be safe.

May I know deep inner peace and contentment.

May I feel loved.

May I feel accepted and included.

May I know that I am safe.

And you might have a few phrases of your own that you want to say to yourself.

Or just to repeat some of these phrases,

These good wishes and kind thoughts for yourself.

May I know deep inner peace and contentment.

May I know freedom.

May I know that I belong.

May I know that I am enough.

And just doing your best to stay with whatever feeling is here.

I'm trying to keep this sentiment alive of kindness and love for ourselves.

Even if it feels a little bit awkward,

That's okay.

May I know that I am doing my best.

And then imagine that you take your arms and you wrap them around this image of yourself.

As you softly whisper,

Everything is okay.

There is nothing to fear.

I'm here for you and I will always be.

Be here for you.

And as best you can to feel that sense of being held.

Of being supported.

Of knowing that you're not alone.

And then slowly let that image fade away.

And return your attention to your heart center.

Feeling the breath here.

Feeling the energy in your heart center.

And now I want you to imagine all of the members of your family They can be here alive now,

Or they can be past.

They can be friends that you consider that are so close that they're family to you.

And one by one,

Just placing them in your mind's eye.

And even if they're not all there yet,

It's okay.

Their intention that they are.

And as you see all these people in your family,

Say to them,

May you be happy.

May you be safe.

May you know deep inner peace and contentment.

May you feel loved.

May you feel accepted and included.

May you know you are safe.

And maybe there are a few family members that are going through a difficult time.

And so you focus in on them.

A little bit more on them.

May you be happy.

May you be safe.

May you be well.

May you know that you're cared for.

May you know that you're loved.

And then imagine that you take your arms and you wrap them around all of your family.

As you whisper softly,

Everything is okay.

There is nothing to fear.

I'm here for you.

And I will always be here for you.

You can feel this collective sigh of relief.

Everyone is being held.

You feel so safe and secure in your arms.

And just doing your best to sustain this feeling.

Caring for all these people.

Holding them.

This outpouring of love for them.

And then slowly let that image fade away.

Returning to your heart center.

Feeling the breath again at your heart center.

And now bring to mind a neutral person.

This would be someone that you don't really know,

But you see them fairly regularly.

Ideally,

You don't even know their name.

Maybe they're a clerk in a store that you frequent,

Or at the gas station,

The dry cleaner.

Someone that you don't have either positive affection for or any negative feelings towards.

And as you see this person in your mind's eye,

Say to them,

May you be happy.

May you be safe.

May you be peaceful.

May you know that you are loved.

May you feel accepted and included.

May you be healthy.

May you know that you belong.

And any other words that come to mind,

We're just repeating these phrases.

As you see this person that you don't know them,

But you see them,

They're another human being.

And you are seeing them so clearly right now.

May you be happy.

May you be safe.

May you be well.

And just doing your best to hold a sense of connection to this being that you don't really know,

But that you do see in your life.

Feeling a greater sense of intimacy with them.

The recognition that we all want the same thing.

We all want to be loved.

We all want to be accepted and included.

And then slowly,

Let that image fade away.

Bringing your attention back to your heart center.

With each breath,

Feeling the openness of your heart.

The sense of spaciousness here.

How good it feels to have these wishes for others.

And now I want you to bring to mind a difficult person.

It doesn't have to be the most difficult person in your life.

Particularly if you are new to this meditation.

Perhaps someone that you just feel a little bit of irritation with.

A little bit of frustration.

Maybe someone that you really care about,

That you're having a disagreement with them.

And as you see this person in your mind's eye,

Say to them,

May you be happy.

May you be safe.

May you be well.

May you know that you belong.

May you be peaceful.

May you feel loved and accepted.

And we can just keep repeating these phrases or any other phrases that come to mind.

Wishing this person that you are having a challenge with.

Wishing them to be happy and safe and peaceful.

With each word you say to them,

Feeling a softening in your heart.

Knowing that this is right.

Because what every single one of us wants is to feel loved,

To feel accepted and included.

No matter the challenges we're having with this person,

We share this deep wish with them.

And slowly let this image fade away.

Returning to your heart center one more time.

Feeling the openness of your heart.

It's as though we're tapping into a well of endless love for others and ourselves.

And just rest here for a few moments.

Just soaking up all this loving energy.

And when you're ready,

You can open your eyes.

Hi Chris and Janine and Kimmy.

See you guys going across.

And Whitney,

Sandy,

Good to see you.

Oh,

Thank you,

Alice.

So I do a little bit of a variation on the loving kindness meditation.

Kind of there's a general format to it,

But I do a little bit different in some spots where I do all the family.

Often I'll do all my friends in there.

But it's just the idea of opening ourselves,

Again,

First of all to ourselves and then to those we care about and then to a neutral person.

Remembering like even a neutral person,

That we still have this shared connection.

And it's amazing what it does when you pick a neutral person and you do loving kindness on them a few times.

And the next time you're in that store on the subway and you happen to see them,

There's like this deep,

Intimate connection that you feel with them.

Because you've been,

You know,

You've been wishing them to be happy,

To be safe,

To feel loved and included.

And it really changes the way we are with others.

And it's an incredibly powerful meditation,

Particularly for when we're having conflicts with people.

Some of you know,

Because you've either been on this call or we've spoken directly and you've been talking about a difficult person in your life.

And how do I deal with this?

And maybe it's a family member or a close friend,

A partner.

And the practice is almost always loving kindness.

Because we have to change inside how we're relating to what's happening.

There's always going to be,

Humans are humans and relationships have challenges.

And we're always thinking,

Well,

No,

If I could just get this person to do that,

If I could just get them to see how they're behaving,

If I could,

If I could just get them to start meditating,

If I could just get them out of my life,

Or all of these ways that we are looking outside to solve the problem.

And again,

Just getting us lost in this cycle of fear and resistance and judging and resentment and anger.

When the person isn't even around.

And so clearly,

This is something for us to do.

Whenever we are pointing our finger outwards at someone,

We should always then go,

Oh,

I need to do something.

I am closing my heart up to this to this other human being.

And this doesn't exclude meaning that we don't set boundaries with someone.

I always want to bring that caveat in that asterisk here.

Of course,

If someone is a challenge and if someone is,

It's an unhealthy relationship,

Of course,

Where you can set boundaries,

Absolutely do that.

But still do loving kindness meditation on them.

Because if you've set a boundary with someone and you still feel resentment towards them,

Then you are still in the prison.

You're not free at all.

And we cannot imagine that we are compartmentalizing the way in which we can close up our heart in one way and that we think it's going to be open in other ways.

It's not.

So it is always a good reminder to keep coming back in going,

What's going on here?

I'm closing my heart up and I have a practice that I can do to open my heart.

So I need to do that practice.

And when we do the practice and we do open our hearts and we feel this,

Literally there is this endless well of love inside of us,

It does change the way we are with people because we're no longer needing others to complete us,

To agree with us,

To make us feel better about ourselves,

Right?

So often love is seen as something is transactional.

You know,

I'll do this,

You do that.

But it's just this endless of,

You know,

We're full inside and therefore we feel like,

Yes,

I can give this to you and I don't need anything in return.

And that is love.

That is love.

In fact,

Transactional,

When people do it that way,

It's with attachment.

It's not real love.

And the two get so easily,

So easily confused.

And so this really just helps us to keep our hearts open.

It is an incredibly powerful practice to do.

And I can remember,

And I'll just share this story.

And then I'll go to some of the comments here.

And some of you might have heard this because it was a story I've shared a few times in the past.

But this was,

Gosh,

I want to say it was at least 10 years ago now where there was this friend of ours in our group,

Kind of group,

So big group of friends that we had.

And one of the friends in this group,

We were all kite surfers.

And I didn't particularly like this one guy too much.

In fact,

I found him really annoying.

And,

You know,

He was always talking about himself and going on about how great he was.

And he'd always talk about how,

So when kite surfing,

You're out on the water and we've got these big kites.

And he's like,

Man,

Did you see that jump?

I was like 20,

30 feet in the air.

And you're like,

No,

You weren't.

You know,

Where he's kind of always just talking about how great he was.

And I found it very annoying.

And so anyway,

We were having this big get together and I knew he was going to be there.

And for hours leading up to it,

I was thinking,

Oh God,

I'm going to see him.

He's so annoying.

I'm going to get stuck talking to him.

He's going to be going on and on about himself.

And then I'm going to say this.

And then he's going to say that.

And then I'm going to put him in his place.

And I'm kind of,

You know,

Going back and forth about imagining this conversation.

He's not even here.

And yet he's annoying me already.

And so I remember I thought,

OK,

Do your loving kindness meditation.

So I did the loving kindness practice.

And when I got to him and I'm wishing him to be happy and I'm wishing him to be safe.

And remember,

At this point,

My heart is very open.

I'm feeling full of love inside.

And so I've gone through my family,

My friends,

Myself,

A neutral person.

So I'm really feeling centered and balanced and open and loving.

So when I get to him and I'm having these wishes for him,

May be happy,

May you feel accepted,

May you feel included.

And in that moment,

And I had done loving kindness for several years by then.

But in that moment of seeing him,

I realized how insecure he was.

And how desperately he really did want to feel as though he belonged,

As though he was a part of this,

That he in his mind thought,

If I don't tell you how great I am,

Then you won't think it.

And it was so like it just the story that I was telling myself just fell apart.

And all of a sudden I was seeing him as another human being that just wants to be loved and accepted and included,

Just like me.

And so that that evening when we had to get together and I saw him and he's going on and doing his usual thing.

I wasn't annoyed.

In fact,

I was really listening.

I was paying attention.

I'm like,

He needs this,

Right?

And not from a looking down,

But from a really equal standpoint.

Yes,

I know I've been in that situation too,

Needing someone to validate me,

Needing someone to love me.

And so really from that sense of just one human being to another.

Yeah,

I get it.

And it's not that you just do it once and that I would continue to see him like that.

I mean,

I had to work at it.

I had to work at it.

But every time that I would do it,

It just helped that story that we tell ourselves about another person.

It's never the truth.

It's never the truth.

There's always something going on behind it.

We're not seeing things clearly.

And loving kindness really helps to pull the blinders off.

Like we so easily get attached to our story about someone and why they're the reason for our suffering.

And I'm just helpless over here,

Right?

Instead of recognizing,

No,

I can do something about this.

I can change the way I'm seeing this person and really seeing them clearly.

And even if I was off a little bit,

Although I really,

I don't think so.

Instead of it driving a wedge between me and this other person,

It opened up and brought closeness.

So in my mind,

Fine.

It brought me closer to him.

I don't seek him out to hang out,

Right?

Definitely not doing that.

But when I do see him,

There's this understanding.

Yeah,

Yeah,

I get it.

I do get it.

Because we have all been there where we've kind of maybe talked ourselves up a little bit because we were feeling so insecure.

And we needed someone,

You know,

We're kind of like,

I hope they see me in this way,

Right?

And it's painful to be in that spot.

To not feel good enough about yourself to need the validation of others.

And so it's not about looking down on someone for that.

But it is just about recognizing,

Yeah,

I get it.

We all want to feel loved and accepted and included.

And we don't all have the skill set for knowing,

You know,

How to come in and feel this ourselves,

Maybe not on a spiritual path or not familiar with loving kindness meditation.

But we are,

We are on the spiritual path.

And loving kindness is a very powerful practice to open our hearts so we can see things clearly.

When we're judging another person,

We are never seeing things clearly.

Never.

So this is a super helpful practice to do.

So Sue,

Thank you for the suggestion.

And I'll go back,

But I'll just address Chris,

Your point here.

Is this Chris from,

Oh,

From Hood River.

Hi,

Good to see you.

She's a kite surfer too.

You kite surf,

I think,

Right?

Because you've come down to Mexico as well.

Oh,

I'm so glad,

Sue.

I'm so glad.

So Chris,

So you're saying,

Okay,

Good,

This was helpful for you.

Coming through a very traumatic event with your mother who is narcissistic and your brother who's an active alcoholic.

It's so difficult when trying to set boundaries to separate yourself from this toxic dysfunctional family that even a small boundary.

I said to light them up to where they retaliate as a tag team.

It's difficult to find the compassion and empathy for people like that when you're in the trauma.

But reflecting back to the weekend when this event occurred,

I can find a little compassion for both of them.

And it is tricky because you feel like their attack is so personal to not allow you to break free.

I get it.

It is very tricky.

And I know you have kind of shared a little bit about this with me in the past as well.

And some family dynamics can be really challenging.

And yeah,

And setting a boundary around it can be really challenging.

But the more that you keep your heart open,

Because if you keep perceiving it as an attack,

If you keep perceiving it as them against me,

Right,

The more that you do that,

The more that you are feeling disconnected.

And the more that you are feeling like you don't belong and that sense of separation,

Like because that's,

You know,

We go up into the ego,

Right?

We go up into the separate self thinking about all the things and why they shouldn't have done this.

And they're doing this to me and they're attacking me.

And even just even when we're thinking like this is tricky,

Like it is.

I totally get that it is.

But keep coming into your heart as best you can.

Keep coming into your heart,

Doing the loving kindness.

And you don't even have to use your mother or your brother as the difficult person.

We don't have to use the most difficult person in our lives because just doing it on one person that's a little bit of a challenge for us,

Just a little bit,

Is opening our hearts.

And then you feel good.

You feel whole again.

And you recognize,

Right,

You can do some self-compassion for yourself.

This is a difficult situation.

Yeah,

It is difficult and it's painful.

It is painful,

Right?

And you stay with it.

And you're like,

This is challenging.

This is hard.

And let's stay with it,

Chris.

Let's stay here.

Keep your heart open.

So again,

Going through,

You know,

Wishing yourself to be happy.

Maybe,

You know,

Maybe you do skip over the family and maybe you just do friends.

Friends that you see as family.

I think a lot of us these days have friends that are so close,

They're family to us.

And then again,

A neutral person and then a difficult person that's not them.

So that you feel whole inside.

And the more that you feel whole and complete and open and loving to yourself and others,

The challenge that you're having with them is still there.

But it's just not as,

It's not overwhelming.

Like we're able to kind of keep it in its place.

Like it's a challenge.

We're not trying to deny reality here.

But we're just trying to keep it in proportion.

Yeah,

I have a mom who has narcissistic tendencies,

A brother who's dealing with alcohol addiction.

I mean,

Those are both challenges,

Big challenges for them,

Right?

And they do cause a lot of problems in relationships,

Right?

And so the more that you can just like,

Okay,

I don't have to hate them.

I don't have to spend time thinking about them.

I don't have to spend time judging them.

I probably also need to spend time in loving kindness,

Maybe a little bit longer.

Spending it on yourself.

And also just self-compassion for what it is you're going through.

Nurturing and being kind to yourself.

Instead of letting the argument that happened on the weekend stay with you all the way through the week,

Right?

It's like,

Okay,

It happened.

And don't,

Again,

Self-compassion.

Man,

That was tough.

That was brutal.

That was hard,

Right?

So self-compassion,

Also opening your heart is something you can do.

Like you're getting in the car,

You're driving.

I'm like,

Oh my God,

That was really difficult.

Yeah,

That was difficult,

Man.

Yeah,

It's okay.

Let's feel this.

Let's be with it.

Breathe into it,

Right?

And you can talk yourself into being with it,

Okay?

And then,

You know what?

Maybe I'll do some loving kindness when I get home because I really need some loving kindness right now,

Right?

And I don't want their behavior to start to change who I am.

So just remembering that we have this practice.

And remembering also,

Chris,

That you're not alone.

Remember also,

I love the self-compassion phrase,

Just like me,

Millions of people are having a challenge with their family members,

With a family member that has narcissistic behavior,

With a family member that's alcoholic,

With family members that are ganging up,

Just like me.

It is not a unique experience.

And that's what happens also is we tend to get lost in our stories and we start to feel like I'm the only one in the world going through this instead of recognizing this is unfortunately more common than we realize.

And it gives you that sense of,

Yes,

It's okay.

This is normal.

I can be with this.

I can be with the feelings,

Not the story,

Letting go of the story,

Coming into the feeling,

Using self-compassion to break out of it,

Kindness to yourself,

Acknowledging.

And again,

I'm doing here like the petting,

Right?

And the more we pet ourselves,

The more we go up like you would a small child.

You know,

I tend to find the forearms or the upper arm is kind of the best,

Just,

Oh man,

Meredith,

That was tough.

Yeah,

It was tough.

Like you're acknowledging.

You're like,

Yeah,

It was tough.

Man,

That was tough.

That was harsh.

That was painful.

Yeah,

It was.

Yeah,

It was.

Yeah,

And you're okay now.

You're safe.

You're here.

You're okay.

And then to be doing,

Bringing in the powerful practices like loving kindness to keep it going.

Okay,

I hope that helps,

Chris.

I hope that helps.

And I am sorry for what you're going through with that.

And this is where your practice helps you.

This is where your practice helps you.

And Eric,

Thanks.

Hey,

Evie.

I'm glad,

Nev.

And I'm glad you guys care.

Marie and Gary.

Sue,

I'm glad this is all resonating.

Yeah,

And Jana's good.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah,

And Whitney,

Will you remind me of that hope,

Open,

Opo,

No phrase?

You said it here before.

And I need to take,

In fact,

I could just look it up on the internet.

But would you just remind and put it in the comments section as well,

Please?

Because,

You know,

It is just changing our dialogue,

Changing the way that we're relating to these challenges.

We're never going to get away from difficult people.

Never.

You get rid of one,

And then another one pops up.

It's like whack-a-mole.

You'll never get rid of them.

If you have a period in your life,

If right now you have no difficult people in your life,

Have gratitude.

Appreciate it.

Like,

These are good conditions.

We don't continuously have them.

But like,

Yeah,

This is nice.

I don't have any difficult people.

Everyone's getting along.

This is great.

But to also have the wisdom to know it's probably not going to last.

Because relationships are always changing.

And we never know what's going on with someone else.

We never know the struggles that someone else is facing.

And so it's,

You know,

We can either complain about it and imagine that it shouldn't be happening.

But it is happening.

Or we can say,

Okay,

I can use this to transform my heart.

Because peace isn't dependent upon all of our relationships being in good order.

If it is,

Then our peace is very fragile.

And what we're looking,

What we're doing on this path for peace,

Freedom,

That sense of love,

Connection,

None of that should be dependent upon our relationships.

You could go through six months without,

I mean,

That's a long period to go through,

No relationship having a problem.

I mean,

You know,

I would have to question,

Are you seeing anyone at that moment?

Maybe you've secluded yourself off on a retreat.

But if we're interacting with other people,

It's just inevitable that eventually there's going to be a challenge or eventually there's going to be someone that comes along that just kind of rubs us a little bit the wrong way.

And then in that rubbing us the wrong way,

You know,

We kind of create this whole story about them.

And so,

Or it's even someone that doesn't like us.

Or we kind of think,

Oh,

They're just not being very nice to me or something like maybe I'm rubbing them the wrong way.

Right?

We just,

This is inevitable.

And how we respond is what determines whether we're peaceful,

Whether we feel that sense of connection,

Of belonging,

Of feeling whole and complete,

Of feeling love,

Universal love,

How we respond.

If we respond in the old way of pushing back on it,

Which is what everyone does,

We suffer.

And we move further away from what it is that we want.

But when we recognize,

Oh,

I'm pointing the finger at someone,

I'm blaming someone again for my suffering.

Oh,

Whoops.

I got to put it back on me.

Got to do some loving kindness.

Yeah,

Got to do some loving kindness.

I got to open my heart here.

Right?

And then,

You know,

See how it works for you.

Right?

All of this is to see how this path,

How this practice works for you.

Does it change things?

And if it does,

Then keep doing it.

Keep doing it.

I have found it to be an incredibly powerful practice.

And no worries,

Lisa.

I saw,

I understood.

Yeah,

The hitting the return too quickly.

Okay,

Whitney.

So I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

Yeah.

Beautiful words.

Beautiful words.

And I also just have a practice of a forgiveness practice where you walk away from a situation and someone's kind of irritating you or something.

And we want to get lost in the story about it.

Right?

Just putting my hand on my heart and just saying the words,

I forgive.

I forgive.

I forgive.

I forgive.

I forgive.

A hundred times if I have to say it.

Because I want,

I'm not saying I forgive you.

I'm not saying I forgive myself.

But it's to go to instead of going down the path of resentment and anger and judgment.

It breaks that.

And I start going down another path of compassion and just saying the words.

It's so beautiful just to say,

I forgive.

I forgive.

I forgive.

I forgive.

It starts opening the heart.

That sense of compassion is there.

And then it might be a genuine and don't say it until it's genuine.

But when it's genuine,

I forgive them.

They're suffering.

They're suffering.

This is,

You know,

I do love the Christian saying,

Or the saying of Jesus,

Now forgive them for they know not what they do.

So wise,

So wise.

Forgive them for they know not what they do.

Remember,

Everyone wants to be loved and accepted and included.

This is genuinely what we all want.

And yet people act in ways that create distance and separation for themselves from other people because they know not what they do.

So the more that we can have our hearts open to others to recognize,

Again,

With wisdom,

You know,

If it's someone that you don't need to have in your life and you can have that boundary,

But still to keep your heart open to them because they are suffering.

They are suffering.

No one is being unkind or acting like a jerk or ganging up on someone else when they feel good.

Nobody does that from a place of feeling good.

And I'm not excusing the behavior because the behavior is inappropriate.

The behavior is harmful,

But there is a being there that wants to be loved.

And the more that we judge the being,

The more that we suffer as well.

And even if it's in a situation and just another example of where love and kindness can really help,

When it is a relationship that's a little bit estranged and it is,

Say,

A family member and,

You know,

Someone that you want in your life,

And yet there really are challenges in the relationship and you need to give them some space,

Maybe they've said,

I need space away from you.

And we have such a hard time with that because we think,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

I can't stand this.

And so doing loving kindness really helps us,

Again,

To feel that sense of intimacy and connection with them.

And then even in those interactions that we might have with them,

It's not from a place of grasping.

It's not from a place of needing their approval or needing their telling us that everything's okay again.

We're able to be more,

We're able to find more peace with where the relationship is,

That it's in a tenuous place and they've asked for some time or some space.

And so it really changes the way we are with them.

We're no longer grasping at them.

We're so often,

This is what we do,

Like,

Oh,

I can't stand it.

I'm the one that's caused the harm.

I'm the difficult person.

And now I can't give this person the space they need away from me.

And so the more that we can't stand that,

The more that we cling to that,

The more that we grasp at that,

The more we push them away.

And then in this way,

You're doing the loving kindness.

You're doing it on yourself.

You're doing it on them,

Right?

So going through all the sequence of the different people,

Opening your heart,

Feeling whole,

Feeling okay.

Like,

Yeah,

I can still breathe.

I can still be here.

I'm okay.

The relationship is a little unstable right now,

But I've held them in my heart and I love them.

And if you see them then,

You know,

Maybe it is a family member,

But then you do still see them occasionally.

They pick up on the difference in how you are relating to them.

They pick up on it because it's no longer from a place of grasping and neediness,

Right?

And it does so many times.

And I have recommended this to mother and daughter relationships a lot,

Father and daughter relationships that have been having challenges.

And sometimes it can take a while,

But it changes.

It changes the way they're feeling,

That you're not hovering on them anymore,

Giving them the space.

And it changes how you feel.

It changes how you are.

Yeah,

I'm okay.

It's not easy,

But this is the practice that helps us really walk the walk.

Yeah,

And just Alice,

You're saying if your siblings are challenging,

Yeah,

You limit your time with them.

Yeah.

There's a limit on the,

You know,

Of course,

You know,

We have to recognize that.

I think that's wise.

Yeah,

And Char,

What you're saying,

I forgive,

Allow space to find truth and quiet.

Quiet the stories.

That's exactly it.

We so,

Once we get up into that story,

We so believe it's true.

We so believe it's true.

And it's never true.

It's never true.

There's always something more going on.

There's always something more.

And that's what loving kindness helps to,

You know,

The thread of the story just starts to fall apart.

And we start to see it clearly.

And we go,

Oh my God,

Yes,

I get it.

And,

And to stay with it,

To stay with the practice.

It is a very powerful practice.

Okay.

And Gary,

I'm going to come back to you because I know you also had something here and I wanted to get to that.

Oh,

You were making a comment,

Just saying you've been having issues with anxious attachment.

Anxious attachment with other people.

Yeah.

And just Janice,

What you're saying,

Like you feel better,

You feel lighter.

We feel lighter when our hearts are open.

It's very heavy when our hearts are closed.

Very,

Very heavy.

Yeah,

Peter.

And what you're saying,

The key on this is that we have to love ourselves deeply first before we can relate this to others.

We have to have an endless supply of love here.

And that's why we start with ourselves in the practice,

Right?

But if we're feeling,

And I think that's also very indicative.

The way we relate to others can very often,

Is actually is very often a direct reflection of how it is we're feeling about ourselves.

That we're feeling unworthy.

We're feeling,

You know,

My life's not working out.

Everyone else is getting ahead.

I'm such a loser.

All of the ways in which we beat ourselves up and talk down to ourselves.

It's very easy from that standpoint then to start looking at others and judging them.

And they're the reason I'm suffering.

And they're the reason I'm in pain.

Instead of recognizing,

Yeah,

I need to come back and I need to open my heart.

I need to open my heart to my own loving kindness or with thoughts of loving kindness.

And then to expand upon that to other beings.

And you can keep expanding in the meditation.

I mean,

There's many varieties of this meditation.

And sometimes in a really long one,

We'll include all the beings in the world and just sending out love and kindness.

And may all beings be happy and may all beings be safe.

And there is such,

Just again,

This sense of connection and the sense of being a part of this,

Of which we are,

Right?

We are a part of this.

So yeah,

It's again,

When we're judging others,

Probably because we've been judging ourselves.

Or we're feeling a little bit down.

And we just,

We reach for the wrong tools.

And we do have a variety of tools.

You know,

We have loving kindness meditation.

We have self-compassion practices.

We have tonglen compassion.

We have sympathetic joy,

Particularly if you find yourself in a comparing mindset.

You know,

We have so many practices here,

Right,

That can help us to deal with a lot of the challenges that we have.

Saying I forgive,

Saying the Buddhist forgiveness prayer.

Again,

A prayer that I absolutely love and still say,

Still say every single day.

Because the words of forgiveness are so powerful.

They're so powerful.

And self-compassion and kind,

You know,

Talking kindly to ourselves.

So powerful,

So helpful in breaking us out of the stories.

We need to talk more kindly to ourselves more often.

Thinking or talking to ourselves is not necessarily a bad thing.

It's just the kind of things that we say to ourselves.

Oh,

Thank you,

Avalon.

That's so sweet of you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm glad this is hitting home.

I'm glad this is hitting home.

Yeah,

We haven't done loving kindness for a while.

So I'm glad you started us out on this path,

Sue.

Thank you.

And this is a practice that you could literally,

You could do this every single day.

You could do it every single day.

And you could wake up by doing this practice every day.

But in general,

In general,

I do find we need to balance out if your daily practice is mindfulness of the breath,

If it's open awareness,

If it's direct inquiry or self-inquiry,

If it's vipassana,

If it's a mantra meditation,

Like if you have kind of your main meditation,

You know,

Making sure that you are always balancing that out,

You know,

Kind of with some type of compassion practice,

Whether it's loving kindness,

Whether it's tonglen,

Again,

Sympathetic joy,

If it's equanimity practice,

If it's a forgiveness practice,

If it's a gratitude practice,

You know,

To make sure that we are always balancing out the settling of the mind,

Again,

Through the different,

You know,

Concentration or open awareness practices,

But balancing out with opening the heart.

And a place that I think is very wounded in the West for us,

Very wounded,

I think so many people are walking around with so much trauma,

So much,

So many unresolved issues,

And we didn't even have to have really serious trauma in our lives,

But it's just the way in which our culture and our society is,

It's so,

It promotes a sense of separateness,

And it promotes a sense of I'm not enough.

It's like all the right conditions in our society to just keep promoting that sense that I'm unworthy.

And so we have these beautiful practices that have come to us from the East,

And I think in the West we need to focus even more because I think we're really,

We so easily get into this place of where we think we can intellectualize the practice,

And I can just,

I can awaken through intellectualizing all this,

But you can't do that with a closed heart.

You can't do that.

The wisdom comes from the compassion,

And the compassion comes from the wisdom.

The heart has to be open.

The heart has to be open.

And thank you,

Peter,

Thank you.

And T-Bear,

Good to see you,

Good to see you.

So I have recorded this,

By the way,

And I'll put the whole thing on.

I'll put the whole thing up on my teacher's page.

I do have a couple classes on loving-kindness.

They're older classes,

And I have a separate loving-kindness meditation.

I might have two.

And in fact,

I probably call them,

One of them's to do with dealing with difficult people.

But,

And if you send me a message,

I'll send you the specific tracks if you like.

But again,

You could also just go on IT and just type in loving-kindness,

And hundreds of talks will come up,

Hundreds of meditations will come up.

It's a very,

In Tibetan Buddhism,

It's a very,

It's a practice that's emphasized a lot.

I mean,

Also in Theravada Buddhism,

As part of the Four Brahma Viharas,

It is emphasized as well.

Not so much in Zen.

I don't think they do loving-kindness in Zen.

I don't think so.

Someone who's more of a Zen practitioner can correct me on that if I'm wrong.

But I have really found that it is balancing both.

Yeah,

Loving-kindness it is.

Yeah,

Yeah.

I'll go back.

I think I've gotten to everyone's questions here.

I actually didn't come today with a talk prepared.

So Sue,

Again,

Thank you for that.

Because I don't know how often over the next few weeks that I will.

I did have two appointments.

I had to take my mom to a doctor appointment and Maria to a doctor appointment this morning.

So again,

I know most of you know that I'm caring for my mom right now.

And sometimes the schedule just is a little bit difficult.

So I think I'll probably do this format of just asking maybe Raz next week we'll do open awareness and then we'll talk a little bit more about that and anything else that happens to be on your mind.

And I am also going to change these.

So we have next Tuesday on the calendar and then I'm going to change to Sundays.

Because again,

Because there was a little bit of a conflict but someone else helped us with a third appointment today that I didn't know about until yesterday.

And so I hope that works for everyone.

That will move to Sundays.

I know some of you are on here from Australia,

Chris and Janine.

And I do like to give you guys.

.

.

So maybe I'll do it later in the afternoon on Sundays.

Afternoon my time,

I'm on the East Coast right now.

Thank you,

Sue and Raz.

And Peter,

Thank you.

Thanks.

Oh,

Thank you,

Kathy and Janine.

And I'm just looking at your comment here,

Peter,

Where you're saying,

So true,

The basic concept of awareness and meditation is so simple.

But yet the more you work on yourself and become more and more awakened in a sense,

The harder it is I find.

Yeah,

Try to.

.

.

Oh gosh,

Thank you,

Raz.

Thank you for that donation.

I appreciate that.

Thank you.

Oh,

Thank you,

Stephanie.

If there,

If you're.

.

.

And thank you for asking that because if you're on an Android phone,

All of the donations go to us.

If you're on a teacher,

If you're on the teacher's page,

Like on a,

If you're not,

Don't give,

If you're using an Apple phone,

Apple will take 30% of the donation.

So you can either do it,

Just go on your computer later so that they don't take a donation if you have an iPhone.

And then all of the donations go through.

So thank you for asking that.

Thanks.

And just,

Yeah,

And I just want to come back again to Peter here.

I just feel like there's something I want to say on that.

About the more,

The sense,

The harder it is you find.

I think what I would say there,

Peter,

And you may not have been looking for a comment on it,

But I'll offer one.

All of this really,

In some ways,

Very simple.

You know,

Yes,

The basic concepts of meditation,

Or I'm just going to say of meditation or just of being aware,

Kind of,

Yes,

I think can be quite simple.

And as we progress on this path,

I mean,

It's just like you keep peeling back these layers.

You keep peeling back more and more layers.

And you're like,

Oh my God,

It's,

Oh my God,

It's more.

It's this constant peeling back.

And whenever we start to struggle and start to say that we're finding it hard,

And that's kind of why I wanted to offer something here for you,

Peter.

Now we're kind of pushing against it.

Oh,

It's getting hard.

And this is something that we should be mindful of in our practice,

That anytime we're trying to force some knowledge,

That we're trying to maybe understand something more.

I've got to get it.

I've got to get it.

If I could just get this one teaching,

I would get it.

That in fact,

We're grasping again.

And we are,

You know,

We should never be grasping at our practice.

So if we're finding,

If we're finding a sense of it being hard,

And forgive me if you were just kind of,

Again,

Because sometimes we're using language.

And so forgive me if this wasn't exactly what you meant,

But it's a good reminder for all of us on this path that when we find things are getting hard,

We should question that,

Right?

What's,

Because each of us is,

Each of us has our own causes and conditions.

And what it is that we're understanding and the awakening process,

All of this is happening.

We can't make this happen.

And yet we kind of get this idea that I can,

I can just,

I can drill this in.

I can work harder.

I can meditate longer.

I can force my mind into submission.

That is not what this is.

That is not,

We are moving further away from what this is.

And so just to be mindful of that,

That if you're feeling this sense of I'm getting,

I'm feeling like I,

I'm feeling stuck even just in my practice.

I feel like I'm at a certain level.

I'm not going far enough.

I feel like I'm not understanding something.

Notice that,

Right?

And of course we can do different ways of coming in.

We have different tools for this,

Right?

Oh,

Here is the needing to know something.

And that knowledge is somehow going to wake me up.

All it's doing is putting me back to sleep.

In fact,

So again,

To acknowledge that the resistance,

I'm resisting where I am in my path right now,

Right?

And acknowledging that,

Come in and breathe.

You can come in and feel and go,

Oh,

Wow.

Feel the tension,

Feel the resistance,

Feel the disappointment in what it is that we understand or where we are.

We just,

Oh,

I had a meditation.

My mind was all over the place,

Whatever it is.

Come in and feel it and breathe into it.

Oh,

I was getting caught up in that because I was starting to measure again.

You know,

We have this way of,

It's so easy.

We're so used to being lost in kind of thinking about ourselves that even on the spiritual path,

We're thinking about how well am I doing on the path?

Where am I on the path?

You know,

I'm not,

And not that that can't also be somewhat of a healthy thought in the beginning to say,

Yeah,

I'm starting to stray.

I'm spending too much time on my phone.

I'm spending too much time drinking.

I'm spending too much time doing things I shouldn't be doing because they're bringing me a lot of unhappiness.

And so,

Yeah,

I need to,

You know,

Kind of make some changes to go back and start meditating.

I need to maybe let your practice fall off,

Something like that.

So a little bit of that thought in the beginning can be somewhat helpful.

But we have to be really careful when it's starting to push into resistance.

If it's going from,

Yeah,

I think I could make some adjustments.

I need to be going to a Sangha meeting more often or I need to be doing this,

Like,

Yeah,

Okay,

That's good,

Right?

It's kind of leading into something positive.

But if we're getting into this mode of resistance about where I am on the path and this is so hard,

Then we need to come in and investigate that.

Oh,

Here I am resisting.

Here I am measuring myself about where I should be.

Because the enlightened mind is never questioning where it is.

It's never questioning,

Oh,

I was there and now I'm here.

Or I have all this knowledge.

There's never a questioning about it.

So that's always a good indication.

Oh,

Yeah,

I'm doing this again.

And we all do it.

So no judgment.

We all do it.

It's just good to acknowledge it.

And you can come in and feel it and breathe it and kind of pull yourself out of the story and oh,

Yeah,

I'm here,

I'm back.

Just this moment.

Just this moment.

You can investigate with self-inquiry.

And I like to do it more in the looking for the separate self.

Who is it that needs to be enlightened?

Oh,

Because I was just a minute ago.

I need to be enlightened.

I need to get this.

Who is it that needs to get that?

To ask ourselves,

Who is it?

There's this little thought going,

I need to get this teaching.

If I don't get this deep teaching,

I'll never get there.

Who?

Who?

Because in the thought,

I need to get there.

There is an idea that there's something behind the thought,

A little me that needs to get it.

Well,

Then you should be able to find it.

So in that moment,

You could say,

Well,

Who is it?

And you start looking for it.

And because the thought of the little me is only sustained through me needing something,

Needing to get something,

Or needing to push something away,

It's gone.

And in that way,

In looking for it,

Looking for the one behind all those thoughts,

The one that gets,

That arises through all those thoughts that we take to be who we are,

That every time we look for it and we see that it's not there,

In that moment,

Everything opening up.

So one minute you can be sitting there thinking,

This is so hard.

And there's so many teachings and there's so many layers.

There's so much to this.

This is so difficult.

Who thinks this is difficult?

Who?

And you look for it.

And I literally,

Look,

Where?

Is it in my head?

Is it in my arm?

Is it in my chest?

And in looking for it and not finding it,

There is an opening.

It's not an intellectual exercise.

It's not something you should think about and say,

Well,

It was there,

It was there.

It's not a thought exercise.

There's no answer to the question.

It's just taking you there because you look for it and you can't find it.

And in that,

You're back and you,

Oh,

A minute ago,

I thought there was a huge problem.

And now I see what it is that keeps imagining there is a huge problem.

It doesn't exist.

And every time we do that,

We keep questioning it.

Along with,

Though,

The wisdom teachings and the compassion practices,

All of these,

You know,

Kind of look at a three-legged stool,

You know,

The wisdom teachings,

The compassion practices,

The self-inquiry,

Really all of them helping you to kind of keep pulling it apart,

Pulling apart this whole story of what we have put together,

Of who we think we are,

That is causing us so much suffering.

Because we're always thinking.

It's not just,

I need to get over there to be happy.

I need to get over there to be enlightened now.

I need to get over there to,

You know,

I need to get to that spiritual teaching.

I need to get to that level.

You know,

I need to get to,

You know,

I need to do this many retreats.

And not saying that we're not doing these things,

But never,

Ever on the path is it something out there?

It's never ahead of us.

It's always right here.

So just recognizing that,

Recognizing that,

And then you're free again.

Oh,

I thought I needed something.

All I had to do was see that I was resisting again,

Or see that I was chasing,

And such,

You know,

On the spiritual path.

And I have talked about this many times.

I mean,

The chasing that happens on the spiritual path.

We just take the chasing mind from the material world.

And we say,

Oh,

I'm done with that.

I'm done with shopping on Amazon or chasing the big house,

The big car,

The promotion,

The perfect partner.

I'm done with all that.

But we still have the same mindset.

And we just take it over to spirituality.

And we go,

Oh,

Well,

Now I'm chasing that.

Oh,

Now I need these initiations.

You know,

If you're following Tibetan Buddhism,

Oh,

I need to get this next initiation.

That's going to be the one.

Boy,

I did this one.

Now I need another.

Oh,

And when I have 10 initiations,

Then I'll be there.

When I do my self retreat,

When I do this,

Oh,

Then I'll do that.

When I can tell people who my guru is,

Who my teacher is.

And then I can,

You know,

And I can dress like it too,

Right?

Oh,

If I start wearing the right clothing,

If I start wearing all the right accoutrements that really convey to the world that I'm spiritual,

Right?

We start chasing it then.

It's the same mindset.

It's the same grasping mindset.

You don't need to look any different.

You don't need to change your language.

You don't need to,

You know.

It's to see how we keep becoming.

We're becoming in the material world.

We're becoming meaning,

Oh,

When I become the CEO,

When I become the manager,

When I become the vice president,

When I become married,

When I become a mom,

When I become retired,

Right?

There's always this becoming,

This idea of me in the future.

And then we're doing it on the spiritual path.

When I become,

You know,

A more experienced meditator,

When I become more knowledgeable,

When I,

You know,

Become the guru's favorite pet,

You know,

Favorite student.

When I,

You know,

It's always again this becoming,

This idea of a me in the future that's more enlightened.

That's not it either.

So being careful,

Mindful of this chasing mind,

The chasing and desiring mind,

Which we do in the,

You know,

Which we've all been doing because that's the source of the suffering,

The ego,

The separate self.

It's either chasing,

Desiring,

Wanting something outside of itself to feel complete or it's pushing back.

It's resisting.

And all the little myriad ways in which we resist through judging,

Through resentment,

Through regret,

Through anger,

Through ill will,

Through doubt,

All the little ways that we resist as well.

Anytime we are chasing or resisting,

Whether it's in the quote-unquote material world or whether it is in the spiritual world,

We have simply taken,

We have simply,

The ego has simply dressed itself up in different clothing,

More spiritual clothing.

And so to be mindful of that on the spiritual path,

You're not controlling the awakening process.

We do need effort on the path.

We do need effort.

We need to apply our effort wisely,

Skillfully,

To meditate every day.

To have a certain amount of knowledge is helpful.

Making sure you're not flying through,

Speed reading through the Dharma books.

That's not helpful.

Read a couple pages.

Think about it.

How is this practical and useful in my own life?

And be ever so mindful of the chasing and the resisting mind and spirituality and where I should be on the path.

You're where you are.

Each of us is exactly where we're,

We're where we are,

We're where we should be.

And if we don't resist that,

There's an awakening,

There's freedom.

And that's what this is about.

Noticing the chasing and the resisting.

Okay,

So I think,

Peter,

That did help a little bit,

You were saying.

And I'm going to come back to your question,

Stephanie,

As well,

But I'm going to go back to Arlene.

Oh,

Oh,

I'm so sorry for Romeo,

Arlene.

I'm so,

So sorry.

I'm so sorry.

It is so painful when our pets are not well.

I am so,

So sorry for this.

Be with what's here.

Be with what's here.

When your heart quivers,

Feel it.

If tears want to come,

Let them come.

Staying with what's here,

Not with what's going to happen in the future.

How am I going to handle this in the future?

Stay with what's here.

He's sick.

And you're taking him to the vet,

And you're doing the best you can.

And you're doing the best you can.

Because it's so tough,

And it's so tough with our animals,

Because they don't know.

They don't know what's going on.

Although they probably more innately do sense it.

And he senses your love and what you're doing for him.

And just stay with him.

He's here now.

He's here now.

And love him and do the best you can.

This is part of his journey.

You know,

This is the part that all of us,

You know,

It can be very hard when those that we love are sick.

And it's so important for us to be able to feel it.

To feel what's here.

Yeah,

Feel your heart quivering.

Let the tears flow.

But don't resist.

Meaning he shouldn't be sick.

Oh no,

What does this mean?

That's resisting.

You're not allowing yourself to feel.

You're closing your own heart in that moment.

So really doing your best to be with your own pain,

Your fears,

Your worries,

Your sadness,

Your grief.

Feel it.

Tell you it's okay to feel this.

Like Arlene,

It's okay to feel this.

And I'm saying this if I'm you.

It's okay to feel the sadness.

It's okay to feel the fear.

It's okay to feel this.

Breathe in,

Create some space for it.

Breathe out.

And just keep,

You know,

Comforting yourself.

It's okay to be with this.

It's okay to be with this.

You can bear anything in this moment.

You can bear anything in this moment.

Sadness,

Grief,

Loss.

We can bear it in this moment.

Our fear is always,

How are we going to handle it in the next moment?

Don't worry about the next moment.

Handle it in this moment.

Handle it in this moment.

And yeah,

And as Rebecca's saying,

Yeah,

We're all sending,

All sending our positive thoughts.

I like the way you put that,

The P-A-W.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay,

So please know that all our hearts are here with you.

Trixie's there with you.

And just love Romeo as much as you can.

He's here right now.

He's here right now.

Okay,

And so from T-Bear.

So you're saying that you unknowingly sought admiration from both parents your whole life.

And in the last 12 months,

You discovered your attachment to seeking praise.

And you've let go of the attachment.

Wonderful.

You're free of the trigger.

Yet you still have a way to go regarding the hurt.

You're wondering,

Will the hurt ever dull?

Do you allow yourself to feel the hurt?

That's the question.

Like again,

We're always looking,

Will the hurt ever go away?

So my question would be,

Are you allowing the hurt to be felt?

Do you let yourself feel it?

The hurt,

The regret,

The.

.

.

Any feelings that are there.

The question isn't,

Will the hurt ever go away?

It's,

Can I accept the hurt?

We don't heal.

Like again,

We're always looking for,

Well,

Will I get better?

Will I get better?

And yes,

I will tell you,

Yes,

You will get better.

But not until you accept that the hurt is here.

And that it needs your attention.

If you can't give your hurt your attention,

If you can't feel what's here and open up to the tenderness of that hurt,

The fear of feeling it,

There may be the embarrassment,

The regret,

Whatever it is that's there,

The resentment.

If you can't open yourself up to it,

Then no,

It's not going to go away.

And we would never,

I like to use the analogy of,

If we were doing this to a child,

If a child came to us and said,

You know,

So sweet,

So innocent,

So young,

And said,

I'm hurting,

You would wrap them up in your arms and go,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

I'm here for you.

It's okay,

I'm here for you.

We can feel this.

It's okay.

We would never say,

Well,

Let's try and get rid of it.

Let's see how long until it goes away.

And we have to be careful about that when we hear the teachings on impermanence,

That everything is impermanent because everything is,

Including us.

And we hear though,

Oh,

All of our thoughts and our feelings and our emotions are impermanent.

And so we say,

Well,

This just isn't going to last.

But we use that as an excuse to not really feel.

I'll just distract myself because it's impermanent.

That's just going to come back up.

We're never getting to the root of the problem because you're hurt here is going to come up in something else later.

And it's going to completely catch you off guard because it's going to come up in jealousy.

It's going to come up in comparing.

And you're thinking,

What's that got to do with this?

It's that you never dealt with the hurt and it's going to keep trying to get your attention in a myriad of different ways.

It will keep trying to get your attention.

And so whatever it is that's arising,

Whatever it is that's here,

Feel it,

Feel your hurt.

As long as you need to feel it,

Feel it.

Tend to it.

That's your practice.

That's your practice.

You're hurting.

What a beautiful practice to be there for yourself,

To allow yourself to feel that hurt without any judgment,

Without any pushing back on it,

Without saying,

Well,

You can be here for five minutes,

But then you better be gone after that.

But instead of allowing and saying,

You can be here as long as you need to be here,

Hurt.

You have got my attention.

I am so sorry,

Hurt,

That I haven't given you my attention in the past.

You have it now.

I'm so sorry.

I'm here as long as you need me to be here.

Like,

And this is the language,

This is the language I use,

Right?

To tend to our hurt,

Our fears,

Moving closer to it,

Not pushing it away,

Not saying,

Well,

When will you go?

Because in your hurt,

In your hurt is your compassion,

Is your kindness,

Is your courage to face your fears.

Nothing is one thing.

The hurt is your teacher right now.

So come in and feel the hurt.

Welcome the hurt.

It's okay to feel it.

You can feel it.

You can bear it in this moment.

We always,

The reason we push back on our emotions and our feelings is because we just imagine,

You know,

Well,

First of all,

We're pushing back on them,

Right?

We're pushing back going,

I can't feel this,

I can't feel this,

Right?

And so it gets bigger and bigger and bigger.

And then because it's getting so big and overwhelming,

We're thinking,

Oh my God,

What's going to happen?

How am I going to feel in 10 minutes?

How am I going to cope with this in 30 minutes?

In a week?

And all of that becomes so overwhelming that we just fall apart because we're always trying to push it down.

Instead of saying,

This is what's here.

My hurt is here.

My jealousy is here.

My feelings of being unworthy are here.

My embarrassment is here.

Whatever it is that you're feeling,

Acknowledge it and welcome it.

Pet yourself.

It's so soothing.

It's so kind,

Right?

And it really does biologically,

Like it's like,

Oh yeah,

It's comforting.

You know,

Even though we're the ones doing it,

It's comforting.

Oh,

Sweetheart,

This is tough.

Yeah,

Let's feel this.

Yeah,

Hurt,

You can be here.

I'm so sorry I have not given you my attention before.

I'm so sorry.

You have it now.

As long as you need to be here.

And I also find in there,

Like everything,

Because nothing is as it seems at a surface level,

That we start peeling back the layers.

Maybe there's some anger towards someone because of,

You know,

I don't know if this is the case,

But maybe there's some anger towards your parents because of it.

Maybe there's some regret because you feel like you didn't do certain things because of it.

Ah,

And you're here to regret.

You can be here too.

Oh,

Yes,

Sweetheart.

My heart is open to you as well.

Whatever it is that's here.

Whatever it is that's here.

You can be here too.

And the more you stay with it,

The more it becomes an investigation of really understanding what's driving all of this.

What's driving all of our emotions.

They keep popping up in all these different ways.

And we go,

I get triggered here.

I get triggered here.

But it's mostly we're not dealing with the hurt,

The fear,

The sense of I'm not enough.

We're not dealing with it.

We're not feeling it.

We're not allowing ourselves to feel it.

Yes,

For as long as you need.

Every time you feel it,

Every time you come in and you feel your hurt,

You find freedom in the hurt.

It doesn't mean that the hurt goes away right away.

But because you were able to come to it,

You're like,

Ah,

I can be with this.

I can even feel a sense of peace and ease because I'm no longer resisting it in my hurt.

Yeah,

And Jackie,

So you're saying you can spend a day or two hurting and you sit with it.

But then it takes so long to get your energy back.

So you feel exhausted.

I would,

It can be,

And depending upon what's going on,

It can be very exhausting.

And so being okay with that,

Yeah.

Although I will also say with that,

Make sure that you really are coming in and feeling it.

Personally,

I find when I come in and I feel it,

There's a release and that my energy is no longer depleted.

I might still feel a little low,

But it's not as exhausting.

So just make sure that you really are like,

Even ask,

Am I resisting this in any way?

Am I resisting this?

Am I really welcoming what's happening?

Am I really being with what's here in a kind and loving way?

Just to make sure,

Because it's very easy,

And we can deceive ourselves very easily.

We so easily deceive ourselves when we think that we're being with it.

I'm not saying that you aren't.

So I'm just,

Again,

Just take whatever words and see what is helpful here.

But just see,

The next time that you're going through it,

Like,

Am I really here with it?

Am I really here with what's,

Am I really being kind and tender with myself right now?

And you can put on a self-compassion talk,

Go on Insight Timer.

There's tons of,

I mean,

I have talks on it.

I don't know that I have any meditations on it,

But I would bet there are tons of great meditations.

Because sometimes it's helpful to have those other words guiding you through in the beginning as well.

So making sure that you are really tending to your heart as if you were sick.

Like if you're sick,

You've got a headache,

You're tired,

You take some aspirin,

Maybe have some hot tea,

You get into bed,

Right?

You're doing things to really care for yourself.

So we need to be able to do the same with our emotions,

With our feelings.

Okay,

What do I need?

What does the aspirin look like in this case?

Oh,

And you might need some aspirin.

Actually,

Sometimes that can be helpful.

But then I need some self-compassion.

That's the real medicine.

That's the real medicine I need.

And I might need a little bit of help.

And so I'm going to go on IT,

And I'm going to just type in self-compassion meditation.

I'm going to go through and find one that really helps me connect with what's here.

Tara Brock,

Amazing on this stuff.

So you could find something on her teacher's page to really help you to be with what's here.

So that you can just make sure that you really are tending to your heart.

And it may take some of your energy to do that,

And it definitely takes some time.

But there should,

In general,

Be a sense of release.

Because in coming to our hurt,

We're no longer pushing back on it.

And whatever we're pushing back on,

We're also feeling some stress from,

Right?

So if I'm put,

Oh,

I can't have this.

I can't have this,

Right?

Our brain perceives that as a threat.

And so we feel stressed.

And when we feel stressed,

Most of our glucose goes from our brain into our large muscles.

So we really have a,

You know,

This is why we feel so exhausted.

That's why we feel so exhausted when we're stressed.

So just being careful with that,

Okay?

So just kind of check that.

And if you do get headaches,

Body aches,

Yes,

From the stress.

And headaches,

Body aches,

Absolutely.

From the stress,

The tightening,

We're holding on,

Right?

We're preparing.

When we're stressed,

Our body has a very binary response to stress,

Right?

Actually,

One response,

You know.

Oh,

Sorry,

Binary.

Run away,

Fight,

Actually,

Or freeze.

But we're tense,

We're tightening up,

Right?

This is what we do.

Even though there's no immediate threat,

This is how we react.

And especially because we're so good at getting stressed.

We've done it so much.

We just,

We're so used to holding on,

You know.

And,

You know,

Our muscles are tight.

Our jaw is tight.

Our shoulders,

Our neck is tight,

You know.

And all this,

You know,

Our forehead is tight.

So yeah,

Of course,

Our body's starting to respond to all of this.

And so recognizing that,

Like,

Yeah,

And I'm also stressing my body.

So some self-compassion is really gonna help to dial back some of the fear in your brain,

Dial back some of the stress,

Right?

To relax the body,

Right?

When the mind starts to relax and the body starts to relax,

You might also find doing a body relaxation,

Meditation as well.

Like,

Take the time to do,

To give your body and your mind what it needs,

And your heart what it needs.

And so Alice,

You're saying Tara Barks talks on RAIN.

Yeah,

She's got,

You know,

She's amazing.

And so,

Yeah,

I would say definitely she would have some really beautiful words to say to you on this.

Thanks for sharing that,

Jack.

Yeah,

And vagus nerve resets.

I think those are helpful as well.

I think the physical stuff that we're doing,

You know,

Body relaxation,

And which is,

You know,

Deep breathing,

Engaging the vagus nerve,

Right?

If you're really abdominally breathing through the abdomen is very,

Very helpful.

So you're tending to the physical response,

But make sure you are also tending to what's hurting.

That is,

It's easier to deal with the physical stuff for us,

Tend to what is hurting as well.

I mean,

I would even put that as more of the priority,

And then the secondary,

Dealing with the physical aspects.

And loving kindness,

And I'm gonna get back to Stephanie,

Your question as well,

But Gary,

Just you're asking me,

How does loving kindness help you to calm down?

Usually what we're worked up about is not happening.

There's nothing,

You know,

Nothing in front of us that's happening right now.

We're just spinning a story about,

Oh my God,

What if this happens?

And what if they do this?

And then what are they gonna think about me?

And oh my God,

And I'm gonna be homeless,

Right?

It's amazing just the little thoughts we have and how it gets projected into this downward spiral where we feel like we're not gonna survive any longer.

So it's the stories.

And of course our brain,

You know,

Our amygdala hearing all this conversation going,

Oh my God,

This is terrible.

So we're anxious,

Right?

There's stress,

Cortisol,

Norepinephrine,

Running through our veins,

And we're all anxious,

We're worked up,

Right?

And so when we're doing loving kindness,

We're no longer feeling the thoughts that are doing that.

But I will say this,

Although I will say this,

Sorry,

I was trying to answer your question,

But I would also say,

If I'm worked up and anxious,

I would not jump straight to loving kindness.

What I would do is come in and feel,

Ah,

Here's anxiety,

Here's stress.

So first of all,

I would actually,

I would wanna come in and deal what's here because we're not using loving kindness as a way to calm us down.

It will still make us feel more relaxed,

And I'll talk about that in a minute.

But use the right tools for the right situation.

So if you're feeling anxiety,

And even Jackie,

You're feeling some stress,

Right?

But you're not quite,

You haven't identified what the emotion is,

Come in and feel it.

Ah,

Here's anxiety.

Okay,

Anxiety,

You can be here.

You can be here,

I can create space for you.

And every time you come in,

Again,

You're breaking yourself out of the thought that's causing the anxiety,

Causing you to be worked up,

Causing you to be stressed.

Because inevitably,

We are always working up the stress in our minds.

It's not happening.

We're not being chased by tigers.

We're being chased by paper tigers in our heads,

By the little stories that we tell ourselves.

So without the story,

That also just starts to relax us by coming into the feelings,

Not the stories,

The feelings,

And saying,

Ah,

Here you are,

Anxiety.

Let me breathe and create space.

It's okay that you're hearing anxiety.

Like,

What a different response.

It's okay to feel a little anxious.

Yeah,

Even in that,

You've stopped resisting it.

You've stopped telling yourself the story.

And you're starting to come in and feel and breathe.

So breathing deeply,

And I always say,

Breathe really deeply,

Open up,

Create space for the anxiety,

All that little nervous energy,

Create space for it.

It's here.

It's here anyway.

So be with it.

Okay,

It's okay.

Let me breathe and create some space for you.

It's okay,

Anxiety.

You can be here.

And the more that you talk to it sweetly and kindly,

The more you start to calm down.

But in loving kindness,

Let's say it's an example of like with a difficult person.

You know,

And so you're getting a little worked up about the difficult person.

And you're not,

Again,

You can always use this transition because I always think it's important for us to be more in touch with how we feel.

We're so disembodied.

We don't,

We're so used to reacting out of how we feel.

And then how,

Oh,

I've got to do something to get rid of this.

Right?

We're always wanting,

Give me something outside of me to get rid of how I'm feeling.

We're always looking outside of us.

And a lot of the time,

Again,

We're just so unaware because we're just walking around all bound up.

And so,

You know,

I do really encourage always coming in and feeling because it's not just even the anxiety or the stress,

But it's the desiring mind.

Right?

We're just,

We're feeling a little bit off.

I just need something to make me feel better.

Maybe I'll just go on social media for a little bit.

You know,

Maybe I'll just go on the news.

Yeah,

That's going to make me feel good.

Maybe I'll just start searching,

Um,

Uh,

Distracting myself in some other way.

Maybe I'll get some food.

Maybe I'll get some alcohol.

Maybe I'll get some drugs.

Right?

We're always looking for something outside of us to change how we're feeling.

And even if it's just the little,

Like the little thing,

It's just like,

Oh,

I've just had a long day and I'm,

And I'm just feeling a little tired.

And I just,

I just,

You know,

I just need to kick back and just be mindless on social media for a while.

Like I just,

Yeah,

There's nothing wrong with that.

Right?

And we're just kind of doing it like robots.

Like we think,

Oh yeah,

That'll make me feel better.

And of course it doesn't.

Never makes you feel better.

Whatever you reach for in the short term will always bring you pain eventually.

It will always be,

Or even just dissatisfaction.

Right?

It will always end up where you don't want to be.

And so it's always to come in and just feel like,

Oh,

What am I feeling?

A difficult person's in my life.

Okay.

Let me just feel that for a few moments.

Let me feel the anger,

The resentment,

The frustration,

Whatever it is that I'm feeling.

Okay.

Let me feel that.

Yeah.

Oh,

Okay.

And now let me do some loving kindness meditation.

And now you're going,

So you've been with,

You're with your feelings,

You're with your,

You know,

You've opened up to what's here.

You've acknowledged what's here.

Just labeling it.

The moment you say,

Oh,

Here it is,

My disappointment.

Here it is,

My anxiety.

Here it is,

My anger at this person.

The moment you label it,

You start to quiet down the amygdala,

Which is initiating all of the stress response over this.

Just that labeling.

Oh,

Here it is.

Yeah.

And you breathe.

And the breathing deeply,

Jackie,

Resets the vagus,

Engages the vagus nerve.

So that starts to bring in the sympathetic,

Parasympathetic nervous response,

Right?

The opposite of the stress response.

And you're breathing and you're with it.

And you're,

Ah,

Okay.

And now I also,

Now that I'm here,

I also know I need to go a little further.

I need to do some loving kindness because I have some anger towards this person.

And that story is going to shoot back up,

Right?

Because we know how that goes when it's in relationships.

So you're with it at first,

You're breathing into it.

You're feeling it.

And now I have enough wherewithal to understand what I need to do with some loving kindness.

And as you start doing through the loving kindness,

May I be happy,

Right?

A minute ago,

You weren't happy.

And you may still not be feeling particularly happy.

But just in that,

May I be happy?

May I be safe?

May I be well?

May I be peaceful?

And sending those wishes with each wish,

Like reminding you of your intention,

What it is that you want.

It starts to fall away.

Oh,

Yeah.

Because as you start to feel the sense of openness within your body,

Within your heart,

It's like,

Oh,

Yes,

This is what I want.

I forgot.

10 minutes ago,

I thought I wanted to just,

You know,

Fire off an email to someone and tell them what I think of them.

Or makes,

You know,

Kind of go through this,

Play this little game of,

They say that and I'll say this,

Right?

10 minutes ago,

I thought I wanted to,

I was so lost in my suffering.

I couldn't even see it.

And then I said to myself,

May I be happy?

May I be safe?

May I be well?

May I feel loved?

May I feel accepted and included?

And in just saying those words,

You're like,

Oh,

Yes,

This is what I want.

I forgot for a moment what it was that I want.

I was so lost in the story.

I forgot.

And that's what it is.

We forget.

But we get so,

We're holding on so tightly.

We feel so justified in our rightness,

But they shouldn't have done that.

Maybe they shouldn't have.

But it brings us back in and we start,

And then we start to think about some people that we really care about,

Family members or friends that we really care about.

And it's that sense of connection and a neutral person.

And I find the neutral person,

There's such a sense of intimacy with this person you don't even know,

But such a shared connection of humanity.

And then you get to the difficult person.

You're like,

Oh my God,

Man.

Yeah,

I get it.

I get it.

May you be happy too.

May you be safe too.

And just it all,

As you're opening your heart,

Any last remains of the anger,

The irritation,

Or the frustration towards that person just melts away.

And I'm focusing again on the difficult person because you were saying loving kindness there,

Gary.

So I hope that kind of gives you a little bit of a sense of,

Don't use loving kindness to jump over feeling your feelings.

But then it brings you into a,

It brings you out of the story enough,

Right?

You've taken that first step.

It's like,

Oh,

Okay.

Man,

I need to do some loving kindness.

Yeah,

I need to do some loving kindness.

Yeah.

Yeah,

T-Bear,

Time for loving kindness.

All good,

Jackie.

I'm glad this is helping.

And yeah,

Char,

I love that too.

I can't talk my way out of a feeling just as I can't outrun my shadow.

Exactly.

You can't.

We keep trying.

We can't do it.

Yeah.

The only way out is in.

And it is not nearly as terrifying as you think.

It is not nearly as terrifying as you think.

Okay,

Let me go back,

And we'll just do a couple more questions here.

Because I think.

.

.

Oh,

Stephanie,

You were saying,

What shifted me to Buddhism?

It just resonated.

It just resonated so much with me.

I had actually been meditating for a couple of years before I started practicing Buddhism.

And yeah,

I just went to a Tibetan Buddhist center one day.

And I mean,

I used to meditate with a group at the Deepak Chopra Center in San Diego when he was right by my office.

And that's where I started meditating.

And then I got.

.

.

My office was.

.

.

I was transferred to another branch.

And I really liked meditating in a group at that time.

I still needed that in my practice.

And just,

I think I'd read a book by the Dalai Lama and thought,

You know,

This sounds interesting and just started going.

And just,

I was like,

Oh man,

This makes so much sense.

And I really found it really just,

It spoke to me about understanding the mind and the craving and the attachment.

And for all this time,

I had thought there was something wrong with me.

You know,

I'm the only loser in the world.

I'm the only one with these crazy self-loathing thoughts.

And,

You know,

I felt so alone with it for so long.

And it was so like,

Oh my God,

Everyone's going through this to some degree or another.

And yeah,

It just,

It made such perfect sense to me.

And it's not that I'm not open to other.

.

.

Because even within Buddhism,

I practiced Tibetan Buddhism for quite a while and then Theravada Buddhism.

And then I came back to Tibetan Buddhism and I would say I mixed both of them,

Theravada and Tibetan Buddhism,

But also some Zen and Chan Buddhism,

Because I really,

I very much appreciate their teachings.

Now,

I didn't in the beginning.

I had gone to a Zen center once and I was like,

Oh,

This wasn't resonating at the time.

And also Advaita Vedanta,

Which is the direct self-inquiry path.

So I also appreciate that,

But definitely Buddhism is what seems to resonate here.

And it just,

You know,

No choice here about whether it resonated or not.

It just makes sense.

It just makes sense.

And the more that I continue on this path and I'm still learning as well,

And I find that it just continues to guide me.

It just continues to,

The answers are always there.

But there's many ways,

Many ways to awakening,

To freedom,

To peace.

Buddhism is one path,

Is one path.

And if it resonates with you,

Wonderful.

But even,

I think you notice when I talk,

I don't necessarily like,

I don't know how many times I mentioned Buddhism in this talk today.

I don't,

I don't,

I'm not constantly saying the Buddha this,

The Buddha that.

I do reference him at times,

But you know,

I want to give credit,

Credit is due.

But what he's teaching,

Buddha's teachings are universal truths.

They're universal truths.

Like I used the Jesus quote earlier,

Forgive them for they know what not,

For they know not what they do.

That's a universal truth.

And,

And so I will take universal truths wherever they come.

If it's leading to opening,

If it's leading to connection,

If it's leading to kindness and presence,

Then fantastic.

But yeah,

Buddhism for some reason really resonates here.

There's some condition here that it really resonates.

It really speaks to me.

So I'm very grateful,

Very grateful to live in a country,

Live in a time where,

Where we have access to these teachings and I can,

And I can study them freely.

I mean,

There are parts of the world,

Afghanistan.

Imagine being a woman in Afghanistan wanting to study Buddhism.

So yeah,

I'm very grateful that,

You know,

For the times that we live in.

Yeah.

And as you're saying,

Your heart is with Buddha.

I don't know what it is,

But I mean,

I love images of the Buddha.

Like I just,

Something here is very,

Resonates very much with it.

Okay.

So I think we,

Maybe we'll bring ourselves to a close here.

This might be a good place to,

To end.

So why don't we just close our eyes for a minute and just bring your attention into how you're feeling right now.

So as you breathe in,

Notice what's here,

Create space for it.

As you exhale,

Feel a sense of softening.

So really using this moments or these moments here to get in touch with how it is you feel,

To accept what's here,

To learn how to be,

With what's here in this moment.

It is all arising and passing away.

Everything is changing,

But we don't want to accept just the good conditions and then hold on tightly,

Pushing back on the unpleasant.

That's not how we flow with life.

It's allowing whatever it is that's here to be here,

The feelings,

Create space for what's here,

Open to what's here,

Bring kindness,

A tender heart to what's here,

Finding the freedom and being with what's here.

Whatever it is that's here.

And bringing your hands to your heart center and dedicating the merit of your practice,

Our time together here,

The meditation,

Thinking about someone that you love,

Sending your merit to them.

And maybe some of us can be sending it to Arlene and Romeo.

And when you're ready,

You can open your eyes.

Okay,

Oh,

Arlene,

You've been drawn to it too,

Yeah.

Yeah,

We're very fortunate to have these teachings,

Very fortunate to all of the people that kept practicing and passing down these teachings for 2,

500 years.

Oh,

Thank you,

Alice.

Thank you.

Okay,

Well,

Thank you to all of you who are here.

And I'm sorry if I didn't call out your name,

But I appreciate every single one of you being here.

Thank you.

And we will do this again next Tuesday.

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I’m so happy to have a Loving Kindness Meditation from you that I can save