When They See Your Narcissist Parent In You

Let's explore the painful experience of being unfairly associated with a narcissistic parent when others project their hurt, fear, or assumptions onto you. You’ve worked hard to break the cycle, but still feel the sting of being misunderstood or lumped into a story that isn’t yours.

We dive into the psychology behind projection, why people struggle to see you clearly, and how you can reclaim your identity, set emotional boundaries, and stop carrying what was never yours to begin with.

Transcript

You've worked so hard to break the cycle,

To become someone different from the narcissistic parent you grew up with.

You've questioned yourself,

Healed parts of yourself,

Learned how to love,

How to apologize,

How to grow.

And yet,

There is that fear.

The fear that others see you as a reflection of them,

The fear that,

No matter how different you are,

People still see the tree,

Not the apple.

My name is Martha Curtis.

I'm a psychotherapist and coach,

And I specialize in helping individuals heal from narcissistic abuse.

Today,

I want to speak directly to that fear,

That ache,

That unfairness when people project your narcissistic parent onto you.

And it's not just frustrating,

It's a deep emotional wound.

And it feels like your identity,

Your autonomy,

And your growth is being erased.

Let's explore,

Where people do this,

How to protect your sense of self and how to release yourself from the burden of being misunderstood.

I need you to acknowledge this fear.

The fear that,

No matter what you do,

You will still be seen through the lens of your narcissistic parent's legacy.

Maybe it's a family member,

Or a sibling,

Or someone from your community who says,

Well,

You know what they say,

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

And maybe you hear that,

And it cuts right through your progress.

It makes you want to defend yourself,

To shout,

But I'm not like them.

That fear is very valid,

Because being parented by a narcissist means you already carried the weight of their dysfunction for years.

And now,

Even as an adult,

To be mistaken for them,

Feels like a second injury.

So,

Why do people project?

People project for many reasons,

And understanding them can help you to depersonalize the experience,

Which means separate yourself away from it,

From a psychological viewpoint,

Projection is a way for people to make sense of complex or uncomfortable dynamics by putting a familiar pattern onto someone else.

For example,

If they were hurt by your parent,

They may not have fully processed that hurt.

And seeing you,

Someone associated by blood,

By appearance,

By name,

Can trigger unresolved emotion.

And yes,

It's easier to box you into a story they already understand than to sit with the discomfort of seeing you as separate,

Nuanced and evolving.

It's also simply how our brain works.

It takes cognitive shortcuts.

It looks for patterns and shortcuts to make sense of the world.

If someone was burned by your parent,

They may associate with that pain without even realizing they're holding it.

It's not fair,

But it's human.

So,

If you will,

Projection is people taking a cognitive shortcut.

And yes,

That also means that it's emotional laziness.

Sometimes people simply don't want to do the emotional work to see you clearly.

It's easier to assume than to engage,

Easier to categorize than to connect.

And I also know very well what this projection can feel like.

You feel like you're constantly having to prove you're not manipulative,

Not cold,

Not cruel like your parent.

And you're constantly second-guessing yourself.

You keep asking yourself,

Did I sound too confident?

Was I too assertive?

Will they think I'm being controlling?

And you feel exhausted by that weight of someone else's reputation.

Because yes,

You carry shame that isn't yours,

But it still hurts.

You have to completely separate yourself out.

And what that means is that you have to anchor into who you truly are.

You have to get very clear on your own values,

Boundaries,

And patterns.

It's one of the first things I talk about with my clients,

Whether it's psychotherapy or coaching.

Because you are not who raised you.

You are who you choose to be every single day.

You can ask yourself the following questions.

What do I do differently?

What am I proud of that would never have been allowed in my family of origin?

And how have I broken the cycle,

Often the cycle of intergenerational transmission?

What's also very important is that sometimes people go 180 degrees.

But that also doesn't mean that now they are authentic.

Because there might be things that you actually like about your parent.

And sometimes it can be very hard to admit.

Maybe it's their humor.

Maybe it's something they are good at,

That you enjoyed when you were a child.

And that's totally okay.

And maybe you have those interests as well.

And it's totally fun.

You don't have to be a hundred percent different.

But you can decontaminate yourself from the unhealthy stuff.

Because it's not yours.

You weren't born with it.

Your parent projected their stuff onto you.

And now,

Yes,

It's not fair.

Other people are projecting your parent onto you as well.

You also need to let go of the need to be understood by everyone.

Because one of the deepest wounds of narcissistic abuse is being misunderstood.

Not being seen,

Not being heard.

Not being seen as a separate human being with your own needs and wants and dreams.

Your own thoughts,

Your own values.

And it might feel tempting to try to fix that through others.

Especially those who knew your parent.

But here is a very hard truth.

But trust me,

I am rubbing it in loud.

Some people will never choose to see you.

Clearly.

Or not at all.

Because it's simply safer for them not to.

Or at least that's what they subconsciously believe.

And that has nothing to do with your worth.

Absolutely nothing.

It's also not a reflection on you.

It doesn't say anything about you.

Ask yourself,

If someone is unwilling to truly get to know me,

Why do they still have so much power in my life?

Are you giving them that power?

Also ask yourself,

Do I need their validation?

Or do I need to grieve their inability to grow?

Yes,

That's right.

Their inability to grow.

Because you are here right now.

You are growing.

And you have been growing for a very long time.

And you will continue to grow.

It's very important that you stop carrying what isn't yours.

Because you do not have to atone for the damage your parent caused.

You are not their representative.

You are also not their continuation.

Even if they like to think so.

And you do not need to explain yourself to those who are committed to misunderstanding you.

Let me say that again.

You do not need to explain yourself to those who are committed to misunderstanding you.

Your life is the evidence.

Your kindness.

Your reflection.

Your humanity.

Your humility.

That is the proof.

Not everyone will see it.

But believe me,

The right people will.

I have seen this happen.

For so many individuals.

Their social circle suddenly becomes healthier.

It's a real cleansing experience.

Let's talk about some practical things.

You might be wondering,

Well,

But what should I say or do when someone projects onto me?

You can use clear boundaries.

But something you should definitely not do is justifications.

You might feel tempted to say something like,

I am not like my mother.

But instead you can try something else.

How about,

I am not comfortable being compared to anyone.

If you want to know who I am,

Spend time with me.

You can also just simply exit the narrative.

If you notice that someone tries to keep pulling you into an old story,

You can simply say that this has nothing to do with you.

But oftentimes what's most powerful is silence.

You let it speak for you.

Because let's face it,

Not everyone deserves your explanation.

Sometimes dignity lives in simply being who you are,

Over and over,

Without bending to their perception.

Simply let them be and think what they want.

The apple does fall far from the tree,

Especially when it rolls itself away on purpose.

And you have done that.

The apple rolls itself away on purpose,

Especially when it plants itself elsewhere,

Especially when it grows into something wildly different,

Rooted in integrity and awareness and in healing and empathy and so much more.

You are not your parent.

You never were,

No matter how hard they try to make you believe it.

And if someone confuses the two,

It says more about their fear of complexity than your truth.

So,

Please,

Don't shrink to those who refuse to look again.

Grow your own roots.

Root yourself in whatever nourishes you.

You are planting yourself far,

Far away from that original tree.

You're not even in its shadow,

Even if it appears so much bigger than you.

And if I spoke to something you've been holding,

Silently maybe,

I would love it if you could share it with someone who needs to heal.

And if you lived or are still living this experience of being projected onto,

Of being mistaken for the person you worked so hard not to become,

I would love to hear from you.

Because your story matters and you matter,

You are important and you belong.

And you are your own person.

And you are not a reflection of their dysfunction.

You are the result of your own growth.

Reviews

I felt so seen through out this entire Talk. Thank you. Wishing you many blessings! 🙏🏼