Taming The Inner Critic: A Self-Leadership Approach

That critical voice in your head isn’t the enemy—it’s a part of you that’s trying to help, just in a harsh and outdated way. Rooted in the principles of Internal Family Systems (IFS), this session will guide you from battling your inner critic to leading it with curiosity, compassion, and awakening courage. You’ll explore where this voice comes from, what it truly wants, and how to transform it into an ally instead of an obstacle. Step into greater confidence, clarity, and self-trust by learning to lead your inner world.

Transcript

You know the voice well.

The one that criticizes,

Doubts,

And sometimes even sabotages you.

We're talking about the inner critic.

If you've ever felt like no matter how much you achieve it's never enough,

Or you found yourself shutting down when you should be stepping up,

Or you replay mistakes in your mind over and over and over again like a broken record,

Then you've met your inner critic.

And today I'm gonna unpack what it actually is,

Why it exists,

And most importantly,

How you work with it instead of against it.

Chances are this is going to challenge your beliefs because most people have learned that they can stuff away or will away their inner critic,

Lock him in a box,

But that doesn't really go that well.

Eventually what happens is this type of behavior only amplifies the inner critic and gives fuel to the fire and it creates a lot of inner turmoil.

The good news is that there is a tried and proven method to work with the inner critic in a way that feels harmonious and easeful.

So let's unpack that a bit.

A few years ago I was brought in to coach senior leaders at a major company and this was the kind of room where decisions shape entire industries.

I was in Times Square and I remember looking out the window at the office that we were working out of and I was seeing where the ball drops in Times Square in New York City.

This was the kind of room filled with people who had Ivy League badges.

I'm talking Harvard,

Yale,

Stanford,

And I didn't have one of those.

I went to a state public university and the second I stepped into that room my inner critic started screaming,

You don't belong here.

They're going to see right through your BS.

You should just keep quiet so you don't embarrass yourself.

It didn't matter how many meditation hours I had before coming into this meeting,

My inner critic still reared up.

Now I've coached dozens of executives before and I knew that my work was solid but none of that mattered because my inner critic had grabbed the microphone and for a moment I believed it.

Then I did something different.

Instead of trying to silence the voice or push it away,

I got curious.

I breathed my heart bigger and I asked myself,

What is this voice actually afraid of?

And beneath all the noise I heard it.

I don't want you to fail.

I don't want you to be humiliated.

I just want you to be safe.

That's when it clicked.

My inner critic wasn't trying to ruin me.

It was a part of my inner system trying to protect me.

In parts work or IFS we call this a protector.

Yet it was trying to protect me in a way that logically I realized it was the worst way possible for what I needed in that moment.

There was a disconnect.

So I did something in that moment that changed everything.

I thanked this protector.

I said,

I hear you.

I know you're just trying to help but I've got this.

And I breathed my heart bigger.

I invited the inner critic to come with me but not hijack the microphone.

And I walked into that meeting.

I led the session and by the end of it the same Ivy League executives who had once intimidated me were taking notes.

They were asking me for guidance.

The session went really well.

And at the end I looked over at my inner critic.

I had another conversation with him and I said,

Hey how'd that go?

Did the fear that you believed would happen,

Did it come about?

And it didn't.

And my inner critic was able to gain more confidence in my self.

That day I learned a lesson that I now pass on to my son.

The other day he was learning to ride a pedal bike and he had already somewhat mastered riding a balance bike.

So a pedal bike was something new to him.

And I saw when he tried to pedal,

I saw frustration flood his little body.

And he sort of threw down the bike and he said,

I can't do it.

And he walked away.

And in that moment,

You know,

I recognized this voice.

It was his own inner critic already forming at such a young age,

At four years old.

So I knelt down beside him and I said,

A part of you is feeling frustrated right now.

But that's not all of you.

Let's try again.

He looked at me.

We took a deep breath together.

And he picked up his bike.

And this time he was able to go a little bit further and a big smile opened up on his face.

Now see,

That's the work.

Whether it's in the boardroom or it's on a bike,

The voice in our head will always have something to say.

That's how our inner system works.

Our protectors are always there to try to do their job,

Which is to protect.

But as we continue to do our inner work,

As we continue to learn how our inner system operates,

And we are able to tap into our highest and greatest good,

What we're going to call here our self,

We get to decide who leads.

And we're able to create space in our system.

And in doing so,

We're able to change the way we act out in the world.

But we first need to do it by changing the way our inner system creates harmony.

So if your inner critic has been loud lately,

Here are the three steps to try out.

I'm going to say them first and then I'm going to go through them more specifically.

The first is to notice it.

Instead of saying,

I'm not good enough,

Say,

A part of me is afraid.

Step two is to get curious.

Ask,

What are you trying to protect me from?

And then three is to lead,

Is to thank it,

Honor it for the work that it's been doing,

And really be specific about how it has helped you in your life.

And then remind it of your current age,

Share any stories,

Show any scars that represent who you are today and all the skills and the people that you now have in your corner,

And then say,

I've got this.

The voice,

The protector,

The inner critic doesn't have to run the show.

You do.

So where does the inner critic come from?

Let's start with this question.

Have you ever met a young child who constantly criticizes themselves?

Probably not.

Kids don't come into the world doubting themselves.

Self-criticism is learned,

Even at a young age like my son at age four.

For many of us,

It starts early.

Maybe you had a parent who held impossibly high standards,

A teacher who shamed mistakes,

Or a coach who thought harshness built toughness.

In my world,

I grew up with the phrase,

Pain is weakness leaving the body.

That's not very helpful,

Is it?

Now,

Over time,

You internalize these voices,

And now they sound like they're coming from inside your own head.

This voice,

Your inner critic,

Isn't actually you in your fullness.

It's a part of you,

And it developed for a reason to protect you.

At some point,

This critic believed its job was to prevent pain,

And for a long while,

It did actually help you.

It said things like,

Don't try that,

You'll fail.

Because what?

Failure means rejection.

Or it says,

You're not good enough.

Why?

Because perfectionism kept you safe.

Or it said something like,

They're going to find out you're a fraud.

Why?

Because belonging,

Especially when you're in your adolescent years,

Belonging means survival.

But here's the thing,

What once protected you is now limiting you.

Not all inner critics are the same.

There are three types of inner critics I want to talk through.

So let's break this down.

The first one is the perfectionist.

This one is all about standards.

It says things like,

You should have done that better.

Don't put it out there unless it is flawless.

If you mess up,

Everyone will know you're a failure.

And its job is to keep you safe from judgment.

And the problem is it keeps you paralyzed.

You don't take risks,

You hesitate,

You procrastinate,

Because it's not quite ready.

The second is the imposter critic.

This one whispers.

It says,

You're not really qualified.

Who do you think you are?

Sooner or later,

They're going to find out that you're a fraud.

Its job?

To keep you humble and avoid rejection.

The problem?

It keeps you playing small.

You don't own your voice,

You shrink in meetings,

You don't ask for what you want.

And the third is the taskmaster critic.

This one is relentless.

It says,

Work harder,

Don't stop.

Rest?

You don't have time for that.

If you slow down,

You'll lose everything.

Its job?

To make sure you never become weak or fall behind.

And the problem here is it keeps you burnt out,

Disconnected,

And exhausted.

So how do you transform your inner critic?

Here's the most important thing to understand.

Your inner critic isn't the enemy.

It just doesn't know how to do its job in a healthy way that supports you in your current version of yourself.

So instead of trying to silence it or fight against it,

What if you learned to listen and lead it,

Just like we as adults,

As parents,

We lead our children with love,

With compassion,

With curiosity,

With courage.

So the next time you hear that critical voice,

Pause.

Instead of saying,

I'm so hard on myself,

Say,

A part of me is really hard on me right now.

This simple shift does two things.

It creates space between you and the critic.

We call this unblending.

And it reminds you that you are not just one voice.

You are the observer of many voices inside you,

Many parts that make up your personality.

The next thing you want to do is get curious,

Not competitive.

And we often do get combative.

That's our natural way of speaking with and relating with these inner critics.

Most people either obey their inner critic or they try to fight it.

And neither of them works.

So instead,

Try this.

Hey,

I hear you.

What are you afraid of?

What do you actually want for me?

How long have you been doing this job?

You'll be surprised.

If you listen,

Your critic will often reveal that it's actually trying to help you.

Now once you understand what the critic wants,

You can give it a new role.

Instead of,

Don't mess up or you'll be embarrassed,

It can say,

You're prepared,

Just do your best.

Instead of,

You're not good enough,

It shifts to,

You're growing and that's enough.

Instead of,

You have to keep pushing,

It says,

You'll be even stronger if you rest.

Your inner critic needs your loving guidance,

Not exile.

So here's the bottom line.

Your inner critic is not you,

It's a part of you.

It's trying to protect you in a way that's outdated,

It's stuck in the past,

And it's now limiting your growth.

Instead of silencing it,

Learn to lead it with curiosity and compassion.

As you move throughout this day and this following week,

See if you can catch your inner critic in action.

What does it say?

And see if you can pause and create some space.

Say,

A part of me is saying this,

And then get curious.

What are you trying to protect me from?

And then see if you're able to give it a new job.

What's a more supportive way that it could guide you?

If you do this,

You're going to start to notice something powerful.

The voice in your head will begin to soften,

And when that happens,

Something even bigger becomes possible.

The real you,

Your whole self,

The strong,

Capable,

Compassionate leader,

Finally has the space to take the mic.

Remember,

The voice in your head is not the boss of you.

You are.

Reviews

Really well explained and in such a calming kind voice. I will use this week to listen with curiosity and love and turn the inner critic to a kind guide.