Fathering Yourself: Becoming The Man You Were Meant To Be

Fathering yourself means stepping into the role of the wise, protective, loving father for your own inner child. It means giving yourself permission to feel, to heal, and to grow into the man you were meant to be. Many men try to push past their childhood wounds. And this works for some time, but what I've come to learn is as the old saying goes, what we resist, persists.

Transcript

I invite you to take a deep breath.

Feel your feet on the ground beneath you.

Feel the weight of your body right here,

Right now.

Now I want you to think back to the boy you once were.

Maybe he's five years old,

Maybe he's ten,

Maybe he's a teenager standing on the edge of the world,

Unsure of what's next.

What did he need?

Most of us are carrying around an unspoken story.

A story of wounds we don't fully understand,

But they shape our every action.

Maybe it's the father who was absent,

The father who was heart,

Or the father who was there in body but not really present.

And whether we like it or not,

These early experiences with fatherhood define the kind of men we become.

And here's the truth,

It's never too late to father yourself.

Many of us grew up without a roadmap for a healthy definition of what it means to be a man.

We were taught to be tough,

To suppress emotions,

To perform rather than feel.

And all of this has its place,

But it's a very one-dimensional way of looking at it.

For some,

Our fathers were too busy,

Or they didn't receive the fathering that they needed.

They were simply carrying on the patterns that their father and the father before that father had.

For many,

Our fathers were struggling with their own demons.

And for some of us,

Our fathers simply weren't there at all.

The challenge is that when we don't receive the fathering we need,

We don't just grow out of it.

We carry it into adulthood.

It shows up in our relationships.

It shows up in how we handle stress.

It shows up in the way we lead our businesses and our families.

You've probably seen it in yourself when you look hard in the mirror.

Maybe you shut down when things get hard.

Maybe you struggle to set boundaries,

Or you numb out with work,

Distractions,

Porn,

Or even substances.

These are the wounds of an unfathered boy living in a man's body.

And I don't say that lightly.

I say that with a deep well of compassion and understanding.

Inside each of us,

There is a boy who never fully got what he needed.

That boy is still looking for a father.

But here's the mistake most men make.

We look outward for that father figure.

We seek mentors,

Bosses,

Even friends to give us what we never received.

And while guidance from other men is important,

The most powerful shift comes when we realize we must become the father we always needed.

This is what I call fathering yourself.

Fathering yourself means stepping into the role of the wise,

Protective,

Loving father for your own inner child.

It means giving yourself permission to feel,

To heal,

And to grow into the man you were meant to be.

Many men try to push past their childhood wounds,

And this works for some time.

But what I've come to learn is,

As the old saying goes,

What we resist persists.

So the first step to fathering yourself is acknowledging the younger parts of you that are still hurting.

I want you to see that inner boy again,

The one we called on earlier.

Picture him clearly.

What does he look like?

What's the expression on his face?

Now ask yourself,

What do you long for?

And listen to his answer.

What did you need that you never received?

How did you learn to protect yourself from pain?

These are powerful questions that have a tremendous amount of wisdom within them.

When we start acknowledging the younger parts of ourselves,

We begin the healing process.

Once we've acknowledged the younger part of us,

We need to step in as the father we never had.

So think about a strong,

Compassionate father and what he would do for his son.

He would offer encouragement instead of criticism.

He wouldn't avoid pain.

He wouldn't avoid discomfort.

He would enter into conflict,

Into pain,

Into the cave of unknowing.

He would teach discipline,

But not through shame.

And he would provide guardrails to really help expand through fear.

So this means speaking to yourself differently here.

Instead of tearing yourself down when you make a mistake,

Speak to yourself the way a great father would speak to his son.

Instead of abandoning yourself when things get tough,

Learn to sit with yourself in the discomfort.

Instead of numbing out,

Lean in with curiosity.

See,

The thing is,

Healing isn't just about insight.

It can't just stay in our heads.

It's about action.

To truly father yourself,

You need daily rituals that reinforce this new way of being.

So here are a few practices that have helped the men I work with.

Every morning,

Call us the morning check-in.

Take 60 seconds to ask,

How am I feeling today?

Check in with your younger parts.

What does my younger heart need from me?

Write a letter to your younger self,

Offering the wisdom and the love he never received.

Do this whenever you come in contact with a new memory or a younger part of you that you haven't seen or spent time with in a long time.

Let's talk about embodiment practices.

So whether it's breathwork,

Cold plunges,

Lifting weights,

Cautiously moving your body in ways that cultivate strength and presence.

So what do I mean by that?

Let's break that down for a moment.

A lot of times when men go to work out,

They do it to bypass the present,

To bypass the emotion.

They will numb out,

Check out,

Disassociate,

Especially when you're pushing heavy weight.

What I'm talking about here is the inverse of that.

Leverage strength training or a body-based practice to be more present.

If you're in that cold plunge,

Don't use it as a way to help you disassociate from the present.

Be in the moment.

Feel the cold.

Feel the pain.

When you're pushing that weight,

Slow down when it gets hard and really feel everything that you're feeling in your body.

This is the way through.

Not through bypassing or disassociating,

But through growing the muscle of grit to be able to sit in the discomfort and know yourself more.

To become more fully in the present,

No matter what winds are buffeting your sails.

And the last practice I want to bring up is setting boundaries.

So a great father protects his son.

He creates guardrails for his development.

So learn to protect yourself by saying no to the things that drain you at work and at home,

No matter the cost.

And this is a really important one and I see this with a lot of the executives that I've worked with over the years.

They have this proclivity to say yes because they're afraid to say no.

Whether they're gonna get fired or they're gonna lose their,

You know,

The business owner's approval.

They're constantly seeking that external validation.

Learn to say no to the things that drain you and you will have more energy.

You will have more presence for the things that truly matter in your life.

Fathering yourself isn't just about healing.

I want to be really clear about that.

It's about becoming.

The man you were meant to be isn't hidden in some far-off future.

He's already here.

He's waiting for you to claim him.

Every time you choose self-respect over self-abandonment,

You step into him.

Every time you meet yourself with compassion instead of criticism,

You step into him.

Every time you take responsibility for your life instead of blaming your past,

You step into him.

You do not need permission to become the father you never had.

And when you do,

You don't just change yourself,

You change the world around you.

Because the more you father yourself,

The more present,

The more loving,

And the more powerful you become for those who need you most.

So my challenge for you today is this.

What is one small way you can father yourself today?

Thanks for being here.

Thanks for listening.

And thanks for joining me and stepping into the man you were always meant to be.

I'll see you next time.