Diary Of A Provincial Lady, Chapter 5

Diary of a Provincial Lady, published nearly a hundred years ago by E M Delafield, is a direct ancestor of Bridget Jones' Diary. In tonight's episode, a stray kitten gets adopted, and our narrator goes to London for a couple of days to stay with dear friend Rose and do her Christmas shopping. The train journey up to London, however, is not without incident, due mainly to a large and unruly bunch of chrysanthemums.

This gentle story of the daily ups and downs of domestic life has also been compared with George Grossmith's Diary of a Nobody, also available narrated by me in Free Tracks.

Transcript

Hello,

It's Mandy here.

Thanks for joining me tonight and welcome back to Diary of a Provincial Lady by E.

M.

Delafield.

It was in her beautiful house in Devonshire that E.

M.

Delafield began to note down the routine follies and storms in teacups of life in the provinces.

From the moment they appeared,

Her diaries enchanted everybody.

They were incredibly funny,

But they were also,

As writer Jilly Cooper notes,

As homely and reassuringly familiar as the rattle of pips in a Cox's Orange Pippin apple.

The demand for the diaries grew.

The Provincial Lady was gathered into a first and then a second volume and two more volumes followed,

Taking her to America and then into wartime.

So we've reached Chapter 5 and before I go ahead,

Please feel free to make yourself really comfortable.

Settle down into your chair or your bed,

Relax your hands,

Soften your shoulders and loosen your jaw.

That's great.

And if you're ready,

Then I shall begin.

December the 11th.

Vicki and Mademoiselle return from walk with small white and yellow kitten alleged by them homeless and starving.

Vicki fetches milk and becomes excited.

Agree that kittens shall stay for tonight,

But feel that this is weak.

Memo remind Vicki tomorrow that daddy does not like cats.

Mademoiselle becomes very French on the subject of cats generally,

And I am obliged to check her.

She is blessé and all three retire to schoolroom.

December the 12th.

Robert says out of the question to keep stray kitten existing kitchen cat more than enough.

Gradually modifies this attitude under Vicki's pleadings.

All now depends on whether kitten is male or female.

Vicki and Mademoiselle declare this is known to them and kitten already christened Napoleon.

Find myself unable to enter into discussion on the point in French.

The gardener takes opposite view to Vicki's and Mademoiselle's.

They thereupon rechristen the kitten seen playing with an old tennis ball as Helen Wills.

Robert's attention,

Perhaps fortunately,

Is diverted by mysterious trouble with the water supply.

He says the ram has stopped.

This sounds to me biblical.

Give Mademoiselle a hint that H.

Wills should not be encouraged to put in in judicious appearances downstairs.

December the 13th.

Ram resumes activities.

Helen Wills still with us.

December the 16th.

Very stormy weather floods out and many trees prostrated at inconvenient angles.

Call from Lady Box who says that she is off to the south of France next week as she must have sunshine.

She asks,

Why do I not go there too?

And likens me to a piece of chewed string,

Which I feel to be entirely inappropriate and rather offensive figure of speech,

Though perhaps kindly meant.

Why not just pop into the train,

Inquires Lady B.

Pop across France and pop out into blue sky,

Blue sea and summer sun.

Could make perfectly comprehensive reply to this,

But do not do so.

Question of expense,

Having evidently not crossed Lady B's horizon.

Memo.

Interesting subject for debate at Women's Institute,

Perhaps that imagination is incompatible with inherited wealth.

On second thoughts,

Though,

Fear this as a socialistic trend.

Reply to Lady B with insincere professions of liking England very much,

Even in the winter.

She begs me not to let myself become parochially minded.

Departure of Lady B with many final appeals to me to reconsider south of France.

Make civil pretense,

Which deceives neither of us,

Of wavering and promise to ring her up in the event of a change of mind.

Query.

Cannot many of our moral lapses from truth be frequently charged upon the tactless persistence of others?

December 17th,

London.

Come up to Dear Rose's flat for two days Christmas shopping after a prolonged discussion with Robert,

Who maintains that all can equally well be done by post.

Take early train so as to get in extra afternoon.

Have with me Robert's old leather suitcase,

Own ditto in fibre,

Large quantity of chrysanthemums done up in brown paper for Rose,

Small packet of sandwiches,

Handbag,

Fur coat in case weather turns cold,

Book for journey and illustrated paper kindly presented by Mademoiselle at the station.

Query suggests itself.

Could not some of these things have been dispensed with,

And if so,

Which?

Bestow belongings in the rack and open illustrated paper with sensation of leisured opulence derived from unwanted absence of all domestic duties.

Unknown lady enters carriage at first stop and takes seat opposite.

She has expensive looking luggage in moderate quantity and small red Morocco jewel case,

Also brand new copy without library label of Life of Sir Edward Marshall Hall and reminded of Lady B and have recrudescence of inferiority complex.

Remaining seats occupied by elderly gentlemen wearing spats,

Nondescript female in a Burberry and young man strongly resembling an Arthur Watts drawing.

He looks at a copy of Punch and I spend much time in wondering if it contains an Arthur Watts drawing and if he is struck by resemblance and if so,

What his reactions are,

Whether of pain or gratification.

Roused from these unprofitable but sympathetic considerations by agitation on the part of elderly gentlemen who says that upon his soul he is being dripped upon.

Everybody looks at ceiling and Burberry female makes a vague reference to unspecified pipes,

Which she declares often go like that.

Someone else madly suggests turning off the heat.

Elderly gentlemen refuses all explanations and declares that it comes from the rack.

We all look with horror at roses chrysanthemums from which large drips of water descend regularly.

I'm overcome with shame,

Remove chrysanthemums,

Apologize to elderly gentlemen and sit down again opposite to superior unknown who has remained glued to Sir E.

Marshall Hall throughout and reminds me of Lady B.

More than ever.

Memo,

Speak to mademoiselle about officiousness of thrusting flowers into water unasked just before wrapping up.

Immerse myself in Illustrated Weekly.

I'm informed by it that Lord Toto Finch,

Inset,

Is responsible for camera study herewith of the loveliest legs in Los Angeles belonging to well-known English society girl,

Near relation by the way,

A famous racing peer,

Father of well-known smart set twins,

Portrait Overleaf.

Query,

Is our popular press going to the dogs?

Turn attention to short story,

But give it up on being directed,

Just as I become interested,

To page XLV11B,

Which I am quite unable to locate.

Become involved instead with suggestions for Christmas gifts.

I want my gifts,

The writer assures me,

To be individual and yet appropriate,

Beautiful and yet enduring.

Then why not enamel dressing table set at £94,

16 shillings and fourpence or set of crystalware,

Exact replica of early English cup glass at moderate price of £34,

17 shillings and ninepence.

Why not indeed?

I'm touched to discover further on however,

Explicit reference to giver with restricted means.

Though even here,

I'm compelled to differ from author's definition of restricted means.

Let originality of thought,

She says,

Add character to trifling offering.

Would not many of my friends welcome suggestion of a course of treatment,

Six for five guineas at Madame Dolly Varden's beauty parlour in Piccadilly,

To be placed to my account?

Cannot visualize myself making this offer to our vicar's wife,

Still less her reception of it,

And decide to confine myself to one and sixpenny calendar with picture of sunset on score fell,

As usual.

Indulge,

On the other hand,

In a few moments idle fantasy,

In which I suggest to Lady B that she should accept from me,

As a graceful and appropriate Christmas gift,

A course of reducing exercises,

Accompanied by soothing and wrinkle eradicating face massage.

This imaginative exercise brought to a conclusion by a rival.

Obliged to take taxi from station,

Mainly owing to chrysanthemums,

Which would not combine well with two suitcases and fur coat on moving stairway,

Which I distrust and dislike anyhow,

And am only too apt to make conspicuous failure of stepping off with right foot foremost,

But also partly owing to fashionable locality of Rose's flat,

Miles removed from any underground.

Kindest welcome from dear Rose,

Who is most appreciative of chrysanthemums.

Refrain from mentioning unfortunate incident with elderly gentleman in train.

To be continued.

Reviews

Perfect tale for this crazy times. Makes me feel how the ordinary is extraordinary. Thanks Mandy 🙏🏻

Now I’ve started to listen to this one at least 5 times! Finally made it through, but I dozed off in the middle for a moment. I think I got the gist! Thank you Mandy!!