Diary Of A Provincial Lady, Chapter 30

Diary of a Provincial Lady, published nearly a hundred years ago by E M Delafield, is a direct ancestor of Bridget Jones' Diary. In tonight's episode, our narrator impulsively invites Miss Pankerton, her brother, her brother's friend and two nephews to join them on a picnic by the sea. It rains for most of the day.

This gentle story of the daily ups and downs of domestic life has been compared with George Grossmith's Diary of a Nobody, also available narrated by me in Free Tracks.

If you would like to listen to the tracks seamlessly, please download the playlist, to which tracks are added as they are published here. You can find all my playlists listed in my profile.

For more diary-style humor, do also try Ted the Shed, narrated by me in Free Tracks, and available in playlist form or as an 8-hour version in one seamless track.

Transcript

Hello there, It's Mandy here. Thanks so much for joining me tonight. We've reached Chapter 30 of Diary of a Provincial Lady by E. M. Delafield. I've mentioned Time and Tide before, The magazine that Delafield contributed to and later became editor of. Her work was immensely popular with readers and from 1927 nearly every issue of the magazine contained something she had written. She joined the magazine's board of directors in December 1927 and remained a director there until she died. As a director of that magazine she played a key role in developing and expanding its literary content. Of course it was here that Diary of a Provincial Lady appeared. It was serialised between December 1929 and June 1930. A comic account of a fictional housewife's daily life, As we know, The diary was key to making the London-based periodical accessible to readers in Britain's provinces. And when the serial ended readers were so disappointed that Delafield and her publisher Macmillan decided to issue it in book form and I'm very glad that they did. Anyway, Before we go ahead tonight, Please feel free to make yourself really comfortable and settle down into your chair or into your bed. Just relax your hands. Soften your shoulders. And loosen your jaw. That's wonderful. So if you're ready then I shall begin. August the 10th. See Miss Pankerton through post office window and have serious thoughts of asking if I may just get under the counter for a moment or retire into back premises altogether. But I'm restrained by presence of children and also interesting story embarked upon by postmistress concerning extraordinary decision of bench last Monday week as to separation order applied for by Mrs W of the Queen's Head. Just as we get to its being well known that Mr W once threw a hand-painted plate with a view of Tynemouth right across the bedroom, Absolutely right across it from end to end, Says postmistress impressively, We are invaded by Miss P accompanied by two sheepdogs and some leggy little boys. Little boys turn out to be nephews paying a visit and are told to go and make friends with Robin, Henry and Vicky at which all exchange looks of blackest hatred with regrettable exception of Vicky who smirks at the tallest nephew who takes no notice. Miss P pounces on Henry and says to me, Is he my boy his eyes are so exactly like mine she'd have known him anywhere. Nobody contradicts her although I do not feel pleased as Henry in my opinion is an entirely undistinguished looking child. Postmistress perhaps diplomatically intervenes with, Did I say a two shilling book she has them but usually I take the three shilling if I'll excuse her. I do excuse her and explain I only have two shillings with me and she says that doesn't matter at all and Harold will take the other shilling when he calls for the letters. I agree to everything and turn cast iron deafness to Miss P in background exclaiming that this is pure hardy. We all surge out of post office together and youngest Pankerton nephew suddenly remarks that at his home the water once came through the bathroom floor into the dining room. Vicky says oh and all then become silent again until Miss P tells another nephew not to twist the sheepdog's tail like that and the nephew looking astonished says in return why not. To which Miss P rejoins Noel that will do. Memo. Amenities of conversation sometimes very curious especially where society of children is involved have sometimes wondered at what stage of development the idea of continuity and talk begins to seem desirable but here again disquieting reflection follows that perhaps this stage is never reached at all. Debate for an instant whether to put the point to Miss Pankerton but decide better not and in any case she turns out to be talking about HG Wells and do not like to interrupt. Just as she is telling me that it is quite absurd to compare Wells with Shaw which I have never thought of doing a Pankerton nephew and Henry begin to kick one another on the shins and have to be told that this is quite enough. The Pankerton nephew is agitated and says tell him my name isn't Noah it's Noel. This misunderstanding is cleared up but the nephew remains Noah to his contemporaries and is evidently destined to do so for years to come and Henry receives much applause as the originator of brilliant witticism. Do not feel that Miss P views any of it as being in the least amusing and in order to create a diversion rush into an invitation to them all to join projected picnic to the sea next week. Query would it not be instructive to examine closely exact motives governing suggestions and invitations that bear outward appearance of spontaneity. Answer instructive undoubtedly but probably in many cases painful and on second thoughts shall embark on no such exercise. We part with Pankerton's at the crossroads but not before Mrs P has accepted invitation to picnic and added that her brother will be staying with her then and a dear friend who writes and that she hopes that will not be too large a party. I say no not at all and feel that this settles the question of buying another half dozen picnic plates and enamel mugs and better throw in a new thermos as well otherwise not a hope of things going round. That says Miss P will be delightful and shall they bring their own sandwiches at which I exclaim in horror and she says really and I say really with equal emphasis but quite different inflection and we part. Robin says he does not know why I asked them to the picnic and I stifle impulse to reply that neither do I and Henry tells me all about hydraulic lifts. Send children upstairs to wash for lunch and call out several times that they must hurry up or they will be late but I'm annoyed when gong eventually is sounded by Gladys nearly ten minutes after appointed hour. Cannot decide whether I shall or shall not speak about this and I'm preoccupied all through roast lamb and mint sauce but forget about it when fruit salad is reached as Cook has disastrously omitted banana and put in logan berries. August the 13th I tell Cook about the picnic lunch for about ten people say I which sounds less than if I just said ten straight out but she is not taken in by this and at once declares that there isn't anything to make sandwiches of that she can see and Butcher won't be calling in till the day after tomorrow and then it'll be scrag end for Irish stew. I perceive that the moment has come for taking up absolutely firm stand with Cook and surprise us both by suddenly saying nonsense she must order chicken from farm and have it cold for sandwiches it won't go round Cook protests but feebly and I pursue advantage and advocate supplementary potted meat and hard-boiled eggs Cook utterly vanquished and I leave kitchen triumphant but I'm met in the passage outside by Vicky who asks in clarion tones easily audible in kitchen and beyond if I know that I threw cigarette and into drawing room great and that it has lit the fire all by itself. August the 15th Picnic takes place under singular and rather disastrous conditions day not beginning well owing to Robin and Henry having strange overnight inspiration about sleeping out in summer house which is prepared for them with much elaboration by mademoiselle and myself even to crowning touch from mademoiselle of small vase of flowers on table at 2 a. M. They decide they wish to come in and do so through study window left open for them Henry involves himself in several blankets which he tries to carry upstairs and trips and falls down and Robin knocks over hall stool and treads on Helen Wills Robert and myself are roused and Robert is not pleased mademoiselle appears on landing in pain noir and with head swathed in little grey shawl but screams at the sight of Robert in pyjamas and rushes away again the French are undoubtedly a very curious mixture of modesty and the reverse Henry and Robin show tendency to become explanatory but are discouraged and put into beds just as I return down passage to my room sounds indicate that Vicky has now awakened and is automatically opening campaign by saying can't I come too instinct unclassified but evidently stronger than maternal one bids me leave mademoiselle to deal with this which I unhesitatingly do get into bed again feeling that the day has not opened very well but sleep off and on until Gladys calls me 10 minutes late but do not say anything about her unpunctuality as Robert doesn't appear to have noticed it sky is grey but not necessarily threatening and glass has not fallen unreasonably all is in readiness when Miss Pankerton wearing Burberry green knitted cap and immense yellow gloves appears in large Ford car which brims over with nephews sheep dogs and a couple of men latter resolve themselves into the Pankerton brother who turns out to be from Vancouver and the friend who writes very tall and pale and is addressed by Miss P in a proprietary manner as Josper something tells me that Robert and Josper are not going to care much for each other after customary preliminaries about weather much time is spent in discussing arrangements in cars all the children show tendency to wish to sit with their own relations rather than anybody else except Henry who says simply that the hired car looks much the best and may he sit in front with the driver please all is greatly complicated by presence of the sheep dogs and Robert offers to shut them into an outhouse for the day but Miss Pankerton replies that this would break their hearts bless them and they can just pop down anywhere amongst the blankets in actual fact both eventually do pop down on Mademoiselle's feet and she looks despairing and presently asks if I have by any chance a little bottle of eau de cologne with me which I naturally haven't picnic baskets as usual weigh incredible amount and thermos flasks stick up at inconvenient angles and run into our legs I quote John Gilpin rather aptly but nobody pays any attention when we have driven about 10 miles rain begins and goes on and on cars are stopped and we find that two schools of thought exist one of which Miss P is leader declaring that we are running out of it and the other headed by the Vancouver brother and heavily backed by Robert that we are running into it Miss P as might have been expected wins and we proceed but run into it more and more by the time destination is reached we have run into it to an extent that makes me wonder if we shall ever run out of it lunch has to be eaten in three bathing huts hired by Robert and the children become hilarious and fidgety Miss P talks about compassionate marriage to Robert who makes no answer and Jasper asks me what I think of James Elroy Flecker as I cannot remember exact form of J E F's activities I merely reply that in many ways he was very wonderful which no doubt he was and Jasper seems satisfied and eats tomato sandwiches the children ask riddles mostly very old and foolish ones and Miss P looks annoyed and says see if it has stopped raining which it hasn't I feel that she and the children must at all costs be kept apart and tell Robert in urgent whisper that rain or no rain they must go out they do Miss P becomes expansive and suddenly remarks to Jasper that now he can see what she meant about positively Victorian survivals still to be found in English family life at this Vancouver brother looks aghast as well he may and dashes out into the wet Jasper says yes, Yes and sighs and I at once institute vigorous search for missing plate which creates a diversion subsequently the children bathe get wetter than ever drip all over the place and are dried Mademoiselle predicts death from pneumonia for all and we seek the cars once more one sheepdog is missing but eventually recovered in soaking condition and is gathered onto united laps of Vicky, Henry and a nephew I lack energy to protest and we drive away beg Miss P, Jasper, Brother, Nephews, Sheepdogs and all to come in and get dry and have tea but they have the decency to refuse and I make no further effort but watch them depart with untold thankfulness should be sorry to think impulses of hospitality almost entirely dependent on convenience but cannot altogether escape suspicion that this is so Robert extremely forbearing on the whole and says nothing worse than well, But this very expressively to be continued

Reviews

Stayed awake second time around… giggled most of the way. What a disaster of a picnic!! Remarkable everyone survived!! 😆😂🤣 Thanks as ever Mandy for another excellent reading!!