Diary Of A Nobody: Chapters 3 And 4

Join me for chapters 3 and 4 of Diary of a Nobody, a gently comic tale of Mr. Charles Pooter's attempts to break into polite society in Victorian London. His reflections make the perfect bedtime story.

Transcript

Hello there,

Mandy here.

Thanks for joining me to hear chapters three and four of The Diary of a Nobody.

It's a gently comic novel written in 1888 by brothers Charles and Weedon Grosmith,

So please feel free to make yourself really comfortable and we'll settle down to enjoy this disarmingly honest tale of Victorian life in London as seen through the eyes of Mr Charles Pooter.

Chapter three.

April the 19th.

Cummings called,

Bringing with him his friend Merton who is in the wine trade.

Gowing also called.

Mr Merton made himself at home at once and Carrie and I were both struck with him immediately and thoroughly approved of his sentiments.

He leaned back in his chair and said,

You must take me as I am and I replied,

Yes and you must take us as we are.

We're homely people,

We are not swells.

He answered,

No I can see that and Gowing roared with laughter but Merton in a most gentlemanly manner said to Gowing,

I don't think you quite understand me.

I intended to convey that our charming host and hostess were superior to the follies of fashion and preferred leading a simple and wholesome life to gadding about to tuppity-hapeny tea drinking afternoons and living above their incomes.

I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of Merton's and concluded that subject by saying,

No candidly Mr Merton we don't go into society because we do not care for it and what with the expense of cabs here and cabs there and white gloves and white ties etc it quite simply doesn't seem worth the money.

Merton said in reference to friends my motto is few and true and by the way I also apply that to wine,

Little and good.

Gowing said yes and sometimes cheap and tasty eh old man.

Merton still continuing said he should treat me as a friend and put me down for a dozen of his lock and bar whiskey and as I was an old friend of Gowing I should have it for 36 shillings which was considerably under what he paid for it.

He booked his own order and furthermore said that at any time I wanted any passes for the theatre I was to let him know as his name stood good for any theatre in London.

April the 20th.

Carrie reminded me that as her old school friend Annie Fullers now Mrs James and her husband had come up from Sutton for a few days it would look kind to take them to the theatre and would I drop a line to Mr Merton asking him for passes for four either for the Italian Opera,

Haymarket,

Savoy or Lyceum.

I wrote Merton to that effect.

April the 21st.

Got a reply from Merton saying he was very busy and just at present couldn't manage passes for the Italian Opera,

Haymarket,

Savoy or Lyceum but the best thing going on in London was the brown bushes at the Tank Theatre Islington and he enclosed seats for four also bill for whiskey.

April the 23rd.

Mr and Mrs James,

Miss Fullers that was,

Came to meet tea and we left directly after for the Tank Theatre.

We got a bus that took us to King's Cross and then changed into one that took us to the Angel.

Mr James each time insisted on paying for all saying that I had paid for the tickets and that was quite enough.

We arrived at the theatre where curiously enough all our bus load except an old woman with a basket seemed to be going in.

I walked ahead and presented the tickets.

The man looked at them and called out,

Mr Willowley do you know anything about these?

Holding up my tickets.

The gentleman called to came up and examined my tickets and said who gave you these?

I said rather indignantly,

Mr Merton of course.

He said Merton?

Who's he?

I answered rather sharply,

You ought to know his name's good at any theatre in London.

He replied,

Oh is it now?

Well it ain't no good here.

These tickets which are not dated were issued under Mr Swinstead's management which has since changed hands.

While I was having some very unpleasant words with the man,

James who had gone upstairs with the ladies called out,

Come on.

I went up on the stairs and up after them and a very civil attendant said,

This way please,

Box H.

I said to James,

Why on earth did you manage it?

And to my horror he replied,

Why I paid for it of course.

This was humiliating enough and I could scarcely follow the play but I was doomed to still further humiliation.

I was leaning out of the box when my tie,

A little black bow which fastened onto the stud by means of a new patent,

Fell into the pit below.

A clumsy man not noticing it had his foot on it for ever so long before he discovered it.

He then picked it up and eventually flung it under the next seat in disgust.

What with the box incident and the tie I felt quite miserable.

Mr James of Sutton was very good.

He said,

Don't worry no one will notice it with your beard.

That is the only advantage of growing one that I can see.

There was no occasion for that remark for carriers very proud of my beard.

To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin down the rest of the evening which caused a pain at the back of my neck.

April the 24th.

Could scarcely sleep a wink through thinking of having brought up Mr and Mrs James from the country to go to the theatre last night and his having paid for a private box because our order was not honoured and such a poor play too.

I wrote a very satirical letter to Merton the wine merchant who gave us the pass and said considering we had to pay for our seats we did our best to appreciate the performance.

I thought this line rather cutting and I asked Carrie how many Ps there were in appreciate and she said one.

After I sent off the letter I looked at the dictionary and found there were two.

Awfully vexed at this.

Decided not to worry myself any more about the Jameses for as Carrie wisely said will make it all right with them by asking them up from Sutton one evening next week to play at Bézique.

April 25th.

In consequence of Brickwell telling me his wife was working wonders with the new Pinkford's enamel paint I determined to try it.

I bought two tins of red on my way home.

I hastened through tea went into the garden and painted some flower pots.

I called out Carrie who said you've always got some newfangled craze but she was obliged to admit that the flower pots looked remarkably well.

Went upstairs into the servant's bedroom and painted her washstand towel horse and chest of drawers.

To my mind it was an extraordinary improvement but as an example of the ignorance of the lower classes in the matters of taste our servant Sarah on seeing them evinced no sign of pleasure but merely said she thought they look very well as there was before.

April 26th.

Got some more red enamel paint,

Red to my mind being the best colour and painted the coal scuttle and the backs of our Shakespeare the binding of which had almost worn out.

April 27th.

Painted the bath red and was delighted with the result.

Sorry to say Carrie was not.

In fact we had a few words about it.

She said I ought to have consulted her and she had never heard of such a thing as a bath being painted red.

I replied it's merely a matter of taste.

Fortunately further argument on the subject was stopped by a voice saying may I come in.

It was only Cummings who said your maid opened the door and asked me to excuse her showing me in as she was wringing out some socks.

I was delighted to see him.

I suggested we should have a game of whist with a dummy and by way of merriment said you can be the dummy.

Cummings I thought rather ill-naturedly replied funny as usual.

He said he couldn't stop.

He only called to leave me the bicycle news as he had done with it.

Another ring at the bell and it was Gowing who said he must apologise for coming so often and that one of these days we must come round to him.

I said a very extraordinary thing has struck me.

Something funny as usual said Cummings.

Yes I replied I think even you will say so this time.

It's concerning you both for doesn't it seem odd that Gowing's always coming and Cummings always going.

Carrie who had evidently quite forgotten about the bath went into fits of laughter and as for myself I fairly doubled up in my chair till it cracked beneath me.

I think this was one of the best jokes I have ever made.

Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both Cummings and Gowing perfectly silent and without a smile on their faces.

After rather an unpleasant pause Cummings who had opened a cigar case closed it up again and said yes I think after that I shall be going and I'm sorry I failed to see the fun of your jokes.

Gowing said he didn't mind a joke when it wasn't rude but a pun on a name to his thinking was certainly a little wanting in good taste.

Cummings followed it up by saying if it had been said by anyone else but myself he shouldn't have entered the house again.

This rather unpleasantly terminated what might have been a cheerful evening.

However it was as well they went for the charwoman had finished up the remains of the cold pork.

April the 28th at the office the new and very young clerk Pitt who was very impudent to me a week or so ago was late again.

I told him it would be my duty to inform Mr Perkupp the principal.

To my great surprise Pitt apologized most humbly and in a most gentlemanly fashion.

I was unfeignedly pleased to notice this improvement in his manner towards me and told him I would look over his unpunctuality.

Passing down the room an hour later I received a smart smack in the face from a rolled up ball of hard foolscap.

I turned around sharply but all the clerks were apparently riveted to their work.

I'm not a rich man but I would give half a sovereign to know whether that was thrown by accident or design.

Went home early and bought some more enamel paint,

Black this time,

And spent the evening touching up the fender,

Picture frames and an old pair of boots making them look as good as new.

Also painted Gowing's walking stick which he'd left behind and made it look like epony.

April 29th,

Sunday.

Woke up with a fearful headache and strong symptoms of a cold.

Carrie,

With a perversity which is just like her,

Said it was painter's colic and was the result of my having spent the last few days with my nose over a paint pot.

I told her firmly that I knew a great deal better what was the matter with me than she did.

I had got a chill and decided to have a bath as hot as I could bear it.

Bath ready,

Could scastily bear it,

So hot.

I persevered and got in,

Very hot but acceptable.

I lay still for some time.

On moving my hand above the surface of the water I experienced the greatest fright I ever received in the whole course of my life.

For imagine my horror on discovering my hand,

As I thought,

Full of blood.

My first thought was that I had ruptured an artery and was bleeding to death and should be discovered later on,

Looking like a second Marat de Sade as I remember seeing him in Madame Tussauds.

My second thought was to ring the bell but I remembered there was no bell to ring.

My third was that it was nothing but the enamel paint which had dissolved with the boiling water.

I stepped out of the bath,

Perfectly red all over,

Resembling the red Indians I have seen depicted at an East End theatre.

I determined not to say a word to Carrie but to tell Farmerson to come on Monday and paint the bath white.

Chapter four,

April the 30th.

Perfectly astounded at receiving an invitation for Carrie and myself from the Lord and Lady Mayoress to the mansion house to meet the representatives of trades and commerce.

My heart beat like that of a school boys.

Carrie and I read the invitation over two or three times.

I could scarcely eat my breakfast.

I said,

And I felt it from the bottom of my heart,

Carrie darling,

I was a proud man when I led you down the aisle of the church on our wedding day.

That pride will be equaled if not surpassed when I lead my dear pretty wife up to the Lord and Lady Mayoress at the mansion house.

I saw the tears in Carrie's eyes and she said,

Charlie dear,

It is I who have to be proud of you and I am very,

Very proud of you.

You have called me pretty and as long as I am pretty in your eyes I am happy.

You,

You dear old Charlie,

Are not handsome but you are good,

Which is far more noble.

I gave her a kiss and she said,

I wonder if there will be any dancing.

I have not danced with you for years.

I cannot tell what induced me to do it but I seized around the waist and we were silly enough to be executing a wild kind of polka when Sarah entered grinning and said,

There is a man mum at the door who wants to know if you want any good coals.

Most annoyed at this,

Spent the evening in answering and tearing up again the reply to the mansion house.

Having left word with Sarah that if Gowings or Cummings called we were not at home.

Must consult Mr.

Perkup how to answer the Lord Mayor's invitation.

May the 1st.

Carrie said I should like to send mother the invitation to look at.

I consented as soon as I had answered it.

I told Mr.

Perkup at the office with a feeling of pride that we had received an invitation to the mansion house and he said to my astonishment that he himself gave in my name to the Lord Mayor's secretary.

I felt this rather discounted the value of the invitation but I thanked him and in reply to me he described how I was to answer it.

I felt the reply was too simple but of course Mr.

Perkup knows best.

May the 2nd.

Sent my dress coat and trousers to the little tailors round the corner to have the creases taken out.

Told Gowing not to call next Monday as we were going to the mansion house.

Sent similar note to Cummings.

May the 3rd.

Carrie went to Mrs.

James at Sutton to consult about her dress for next Monday.

While speaking incidentally to Spotch,

One of our head clerks,

About the mansion house he said oh I'm asked but I don't think I shall go.

When a vulgar man like Spotch is asked I feel my invitation is considerably discounted.

In the evening while I was out the little tailor brought round my coat and trousers and because Sarah had not a shilling to pay for the pressing he took them away again.

May the 4th.

Carrie's mother returned the Lord Mayor's invitation which was sent to her to look at with apologies for having upset a glass of port over it.

I was too angry to say anything.

May the 5th.

Bought a pair of lavender kid gloves for next Monday and two white ties in case one got spoiled in the tying.

May the 6th.

Sunday.

A very dull sermon during which I regret to say I twice thought of the mansion house reception tomorrow.

May the 7th.

A big red letter day.

The Lord Mayor's reception.

The whole house was upset.

I had to get dressed at half past six as Carrie wanted the room to herself.

Mrs James had come up from Sutton to help Carrie so I could not help thinking it unreasonable that she should also require the entire attention of Sarah the servant as well.

Sarah kept running out of the house to fetch something for Mrs and several times I had in my full evening dress to answer the back door.

The last time it was the greengrocers boy who,

Not saying it was me,

For Sarah had not lit the gas,

Pushed into my hands two cabbages and half a dozen coal blocks.

I indignantly threw them on the ground and felt so annoyed that I so far forgot myself as to box the boy's ears.

He went away crying and said he should summons me,

A thing I would not have happened for the world.

In the dark I stepped on a piece of the cabbage which brought me down on the flags all of a heap.

For a moment I was stunned but when I recovered I crawled upstairs into the drawing room and on looking into the chimney glass discovered that my chin was bleeding,

My shirt smeared with the coal blocks and my left trouser torn at the knee.

However Mrs James brought me down another shirt which I changed in the drawing room.

I put a piece of cork plaster on my chin and Sarah very neatly sewed up the tear at the knee.

At nine o'clock Carrie swept into the room looking like a queen.

Never have I seen her look so lovely or so distinguished.

She was wearing a satin dress of sky blue,

My favourite colour,

And a piece of lace which Mrs James had lent her around the shoulders to give a finish.

I thought perhaps the dress was a little too long behind and decidedly too short in front but Mrs James said it was a la mode.

Mrs James was most kind and lent Carrie a fan of ivory with red feathers,

The value of which she said was priceless as the feathers belonged to the Kachu eagle,

A bird now extinct.

I preferred the little white fan which Carrie brought for three and six at Shulbreds but both ladies sat on me at once.

We arrived at the mansion house too early which was rather fortunate for I had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship who graciously condescended to talk with me some minutes but I must say I was disappointed to find he didn't even know Mr Perkup,

Our principal.

I felt as if we'd been invited to the mansion house by one who did not know the Lord Mayor himself.

Crowds arrived and I shall never forget the grand sight.

My humble pen can never describe it.

I was a little annoyed with Carrie who kept saying,

Isn't it a pity we don't know anybody?

Once she quite lost her head.

I saw someone who looked like Fransching from Peckham and was moving towards him when she seized me by the coattails and said quite loudly,

Don't leave me,

Which caused an elderly gentleman in a court suit and a chain round him and two ladies to burst out laughing.

There was an immense crowd in the supper room and oh my stars it was a splendid supper,

Any amount of champagne.

Carrie made a most hearty supper for which I was pleased for I sometimes think she is not strong.

There was scarcely a dish she didn't taste.

I was so thirsty I couldn't eat much.

Receiving a sharp slap on the shoulder I turned and to my amazement saw Farmerson,

Our ironmonger.

He said in the most familiar way,

This is better than Brickfield Terrace,

Eh?

I simply looked at him and said coolly,

I never expected to see you here.

He said with a loud coarse laugh,

I like that,

If you,

Why not me?

I replied,

Certainly,

I wish I could have thought of something better to say.

He said,

Can I get you a good lady anything?

Carrie said,

No,

I thank you,

For which I was pleased.

I said by way of reproof to him,

You were never sent today to paint the bath as I requested.

Farmerson said,

Pardon me Mr Pooter,

No shock when we're in company please.

Before I could think of a reply,

One of the sheriffs in full court costume slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an old friend and asked him to dine with him at his lodge.

I was astonished.

For four or five minutes they stood roaring with laughter and digging each other in the ribs.

They kept telling each other they didn't look a day older.

They began embracing each other and drinking champagne.

To think that a man who mends our scraper should know a member of our aristocracy.

I was just moving with Carrie when Farmerson seized me rather roughly by the collar and addressing the sheriff said,

Let me introduce my neighbour Pooter.

He did not even say mister.

The sheriff handed me a glass of champagne.

I felt after all it was a great honour to drink a glass of wine with him and I told him so.

We stood chatting for some time and at last I said,

You must excuse me now if I join Mrs Pooter.

When I approached her she said,

Don't let me take you away from friends.

I am quite happy standing here alone in a crowd knowing nobody.

As it takes two to make a quarrel and as it was neither the time nor the place for it,

I gave my arm to Carrie and said,

I hope my darling little wife will dance with me if only for the sake of saying we had danced at the mansion house as guests of the Lord Mayor.

Finding the dancing after supper was less formal and knowing how much Carrie used to admire my dancing in days gone by,

I put my arm around her waist and we commenced a waltz.

A most unfortunate accident occurred.

I had got on a new pair of boots.

Foolishly I had admitted to take Carrie's advice,

Namely to scratch the soles of them with the points of the scissors or put a little wet on them.

I had scarcely started when like lightning my left foot slipped away and I came down,

The side of my head striking the floor with such violence that for a second or two I didn't know what had happened.

I need hardly say that Carrie fell with me with equal violence,

Breaking the comb in her hair and grazing her elbow.

There was a roar of laughter which was immediately checked when people found that we had really hurt ourselves.

A gentleman assisted Carrie to a seat and I expressed myself pretty strongly on the danger of having a plain polished floor with no carpet or drugget to prevent people slipping.

The gentleman who said his name was Darwitz insisted on escorting Carrie to have a glass of wine,

An invitation which I was pleased to allow Carrie to accept.

I followed and met Farmerson who immediately said in his loud voice,

Oh are you the one who went down?

I answered with an indignant look,

With execrable taste,

He said look here old man,

We're too old for this game,

We must leave these capers to the youngsters,

Come and have another glass,

That is more in our line.

Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting,

We followed the others into the supper room.

Neither Carrie nor I,

After our unfortunate mishap,

Felt inclined to stay longer.

As we were departing,

Farmerson said,

Are you going?

If so you might give me a lift.

I thought it better to consent,

But wish I had first consulted Carrie.

To be continued.

Reviews

Really like this amusing story of relatable people.

Look forward to listening to this each evening. Extremely witty and entertaining. Read with such eloquence. Thanks Mandy!😊

Oh dear, very silly— good entertainment for middle of the night though!