Diary Of A Nobody, Chapters 21 And 22

Listen to the latest installment of this delightful comic novel about life in Victorian London, written by Charles and Weedon Grossmith in 1888. Enjoy Lupin's continuing ups and downs and share in Mr Pooter's irritation at a series of seances he is persuaded to hold in his own sitting room.

Only one more episode to go after this!

Transcript

Hello there, Mandy here. Thanks so much for joining me to hear the latest chapters of Diary of a Nobody. It's a gently comic novel written in 1888 by the brothers Charles and Weedon Grosmith. So please feel free to make yourself really comfortable as we settle down to enjoy this disarmingly honest tale of Victorian life in London, As seen through the diary of Mr Charles Pooter. Chapter 21. May the 13th. A terrible misfortune has happened. Lupin is discharged from Mr Perkupp's office, And I scarcely know how I am writing my diary. I was away from the office last Saturday, The first time I have been absent through illness for 20 years. I believe I was poisoned by some lobster. Mr Perkupp was also absent, As fate would have it, And our most valued customer, Mr Crobelon, Went to the office in a rage and withdrew his custom. My boy Lupin not only had the assurance to receive him, But recommended him the firm of Gilterson, Sons & Co Ltd. In my own humble judgement, And though I have to say it against my own son, This seems an act of treachery. This morning I received a letter from Perkupp, Informing me that Lupin's services are no longer required, And an interview with me is desired at 11 o'clock. I went down to the office with an aching heart, Dreading an interview with Mr Perkupp, With whom I have never had a word. I saw nothing of Lupin in the morning. He hadn't got up when it was time for me to leave, And Carrie said I should do no good by disturbing him. My mind wandered so at the office that I couldn't do my work properly. As expected, I was sent for by Mr Perkupp, And the following conversation ensued as nearly as I can remember it. Mr Perkupp said, Good morning, Mr Pooter. This is a very serious business. I am not referring so much to the dismissal of your son, For I knew we should have to part sooner or later. I am the head of this old influential and much respected firm, And when I consider the time has come to revolutionise the business, I will do it myself. I could see that my good master was somewhat affected, And I said, I hope, Sir, You don't imagine I have in any way countenanced my son's unwarrantable interference. Mr Perkupp rose from his seat and took my hand and said, Mr Pooter, I would as soon suspect myself as suspect you. I was so agitated that in the confusion to show my gratitude, I very nearly called him a grand old man. Fortunately, I checked myself in time and said he was a grand old master. I was so unaccountable for my actions that I sat down, Leaving him standing. Of course, I at once rose, But Mr Perkupp bade me sit down, Which I was very pleased to do. Mr Perkupp, Resuming, Said, You will understand, Mr Pooter, That the high-standing nature of our firm will not admit of our bending to anybody. If Mr Crobelan chooses to put his work into other hands, I may add less experienced hands, It is not for us to bend and beg back his custom. You shall not do it, Sir, I said, With indignation. Exactly, Replied Mr Perkupp, I shall not do it. But I was thinking this, Mr Pooter, Mr Crobelan is our most valued client, And I will even confess, For I know this will not go beyond ourselves, That we cannot afford very well to lose him, Especially in these times which are not of the brightest. Now, I fancy you can be of service. I replied, Mr Perkupp, I will work day and night to serve you. Mr Perkupp said, I know you will. Now, What I should like you to do is this, You yourself might write to Mr Crobelan, You must not of course lead him to suppose I know anything about your doing so, And explain to him that your son was only taken on as a clerk, Quite an inexperienced one in fact, Out of the respect the firm had for you, Mr Pooter. This is, Of course, A fact. I don't suggest that you should speak in too strong terms of your own son's conduct, But I may add that had he been a son of mine, I should have condemned his interference with no measured terms. That I leave to you. I think the result will be that Mr Crobelan will see the force of the foolish step he has taken, And our firm will neither suffer in dignity nor in pocket. I couldn't help thinking what a noble gentleman Mr Perkupp is. His manners and his way of speaking seemed to almost thrill one with respect. I said, Would you like to see the letter before I send it? Mr Perkupp said, Oh no, I had better not. I am supposed to know nothing about it, And I have every confidence in you. You must write the letter carefully. We are not very busy, You had better take the morning tomorrow, Or the whole day, If you wish. I shall be here myself all day tomorrow, In fact all the week, In case Mr Crobelan should call. I went home a little more cheerful, But I left word with Sarah that I couldn't see either Gowing or Cummings, Nor in fact anybody, If they called in the evening. Lupin came into the parlour for a moment with a new hat on, And asked my opinion of it. I said I was not in the mood to judge hats, And I didn't think he was in a position to buy a new one. Lupin replied carelessly, I didn't buy it, It was a present. I have such terrible suspicions of Lupin now, That I scarcely like to ask him questions, As I dread the answers so. He however, Saved me the trouble. He said, I met a friend, An old friend, That I did not quite think a friend at the time, But it's all right. As he wisely said, All is fair in love and war, And there was no reason why we should not be friends still. He's a jolly, Good, All-round sort of fellow, A very different stamp from that inflated fool of a perc up. I said, Hush Lupin, Do not pray add insult to injury. Lupin said, What do you mean by injury? I repeat, I have done no injury. Krobelin is simply tired of a stagnant, Stick-in-the-mud firm, And made the change on his own account. I simply recommended the new firm, As a matter of biz, Good old biz. I said quietly, I don't understand your slang, And at my time of life, Have no desire to learn it, So Lupin my boy, Let us change the subject. I will, If it please you, Try and be interested in your new hat adventure. Lupin said, Oh there's nothing much about it, Except I have not once seen him since his marriage, And he said he was very pleased to see me, And hoped we should be friends. I stood a drink to cement the friendship, And he stood me a new hat, One of his own. I said rather wearily, But you have not told me your old friend's name. Lupin said with affected carelessness, Oh didn't I? Well I will, It was Murray Posh. May the 14th. Lupin came down late, And seeing me at home all the morning, Asked the reason of it. Carrie and I both agreed it was better to say nothing to him about the letter, So I evaded the question. Lupin went out, Saying he was going to lunch. It was with Murray Posh in the city. I said I hoped Mr Posh would provide him with a berth. Lupin went out laughing, Saying I don't mind wearing Posh's one-priced hats, But I'm not going to sell them. Poor boy, I fear he is perfectly hopeless. It took me nearly the whole day to write to Mr Crowbill on. Once or twice I asked Carrie for suggestions, And although it seems ungrateful, Her suggestions were none of them to the point, While one or two were absolutely idiotic. Of course I didn't tell her so. I got the letter off and took it down to the office for Mr Perk up to see, But he again repeated that he could trust me. Gowing called in the evening and I was obliged to tell him about Lupin and Mr Perk up, And to my surprise he was quite inclined to side with Lupin. Carrie joined in and said she thought I was taking much too melancholy a view of it. Gowing produced a pint sample bottle of Madeira which had been given to him, Which he said would get rid of the blues. I dare say it would have done so if there had been more of it, But as Gowing helped himself to three glasses, It didn't leave much for Carrie and me to get rid of the blues with. May the 15th, A day of great anxiety, For I expected every moment a letter from Mr Croberlen. Two letters came in the evening, One for me with Croberlen Hall printed in large gold and red letters on the back of the envelope, The other for Lupin, Which I felt inclined to open and read, As it had Gilterson, Sons and Co Ltd, Which was the recommended firm. I trembled as I opened Mr Croberlen's letter. I'd written him 16 pages, Closely written. He wrote me less than 16 lines. His letter was, Sir, I totally disagree with you. Your son, In the course of five minutes conversation, Displayed more intelligence than your firm has done during the last five years. Yours faithfully, Gilbert E Gillam O Croberlen. What am I to do? Here is a letter that I dare not show to Mr Perkupp and would not show to Lupin for anything. But the crisis had yet to come, For Lupin arrived and opening his letter showed a cheque for 25 pounds as a commission for the recommendation of Mr Croberlen, Whose custom to Mr Perkupp is evidently lost forever. Cummings and Gowing both called and both took Lupin's part. Cummings went so far as to say that Lupin would make a name yet. I suppose I was melancholy, For I could only ask, Yes, But what sort of a name? May the 16th. I told Mr Perkupp the contents of the letter, In a modified form, But Mr Perkupp said, Pray don't discuss the matter. It is at an end. Your son will bring his punishment upon himself. I went home in the evening, Thinking of the hopeless future of Lupin. I found him in most extravagant spirits and in evening dress. He threw a letter on the table for me to read. To my amazement, I read that Gilterson and Sons had absolutely engaged Lupin at a salary of 200 pounds a year, With other advantages. I read the letter through three times and thought it must have been for me, But there it was, Lupin Pooter, Plain enough. I was silent. Lupin said, What price Perkupp now? You take my tip gov off with Perkupp and freeze onto Gilterson, The firm of the future. Perkupp's firm? The stagnant dummies have been standing still for years and now are moving backwards. I want to go on. In fact, I must go off as I am dining with the Murray Poshes tonight. In the exuberance of his spirits, He hit his hat with his stick, Gave a loud war whoop, Jumped over a chair and took the liberty of rumbling my hair all over my forehead and bounced out of the room, Giving me no chance of reminding him of his age and the respect which was due to his parent. Gowing and Cummings came in the evening and positively cheered me up with congratulations respecting Lupin. Gowing said, I always said he would get on. Take my word, He has more in his head than we three put together. Carrie said, He is a second hard fur huttle. Chapter 22. May the 26th, Sunday. We went to Sutton after dinner to have meat tea with Mr and Mrs James. I had no appetite having dined well at two and the entire evening was spoiled by little Percy, Their only son, Who seems to me to be an utterly spoiled child. Two or three times he came up to me and deliberately kicked my shins. He hurt me once so much that tears came into my eyes. I gently remonstrated with him and Mrs James said, Please don't scold him. I don't believe in being too severe with young children. You spoil their character. Little Percy set up a deafening yell here and when Carrie tried to pacify him, He slapped her on the face. I was so annoyed I said, That is not my idea of bringing up children, Mrs James. Mrs James said, People have different ideas of bringing up children. Even your son Lupin is not the standard of perfection. A Mr Mazzini, An Italian I fancy, Here took Percy in his lap. The child wriggled and kicked and broke away from Mr Mazzini saying, I don't like you. You've got a dirty face. A very nice gentleman, Mr Burke's Spooner, Took the child by the wrist and said, Come here dear and listen to this. He detached his chronometer from the chain and made his watch strike six. To our horror, The child snatched it from his hand and bounced it down upon the ground, Just as one would a ball. Mr Burke's Spooner was most amiable and said he could easily get a new glass put in and didn't suppose the works were damaged. To show you how people's opinions differ, Carrie said the child was bad-tempered, But it made up for that defect by its looks, For it was, In her mind, An unquestionably beautiful child. I may be wrong, But I do not think I've seen a much uglier child myself. That is my opinion. May the 30th. I don't know why it is, But I never anticipate with any pleasure the visits to our house of Mrs James of Sutton. She is coming again to stay for a few days. I said to Carrie this morning, As I was leaving, I wish, Dear Carrie, That I could like Mrs James better than I do. Carrie said, So do I, Dear, But as for years I've had to put up with Mr Gowing, Who is vulgar, And Mr Cummings, Who is kind but most uninteresting, I am sure, Dear, You won't mind the occasional visits of Mrs James, Who has more intellect in her little finger than both your friends have in their entire bodies. I was so entirely taken aback by this onslaught on my two dear old friends that I could say nothing, And as I heard the bus coming, I left with a hurried kiss, A little too hurried perhaps, For my upper lip came in contact with Carrie's teeth and slightly cut it. It was painful for an hour afterwards. When I came home in the evening, I found Carrie buried in a book on spiritualism called There Is No Birth by Florence Single Yet. I need scarcely say the book was sent her to read by Mrs James of Sutton. As she had not a word to say outside her book, I spent the rest of the evening altering the stair carpets, Which are beginning to show signs of wear at the edges. Mrs James arrived and as usual in the evening took the entire management of everything. Finding that she and Carrie were making some preparations for table turning, I thought it time really to put my foot down. I have always had the greatest contempt for such nonsense and put an end to it years ago when Carrie at our old house used to have seances every night with poor Mrs Fusters who is now dead. If I could see any use in it, I would not care. As I stopped it in the days gone by, I determined to do so now. I said, I am very sorry Mrs James but I totally disapprove of it apart from the fact that I received my old friends on this evening. Mrs James said, Do you mean to say you haven't read There Is No Birth? I said no and I have no intention of doing so. Mrs James seemed surprised and said, But all the world is going mad over the book. I responded rather cleverly, Let it, There will be one sane man in it at all events. Mrs James said she thought it was very unkind and if people were all as prejudiced as I was, There would never have been the electric telegraph or the telephone. I said that was quite a different thing. Mrs James said sharply, In what way pray, In what way? I said in many ways. Mrs James said, Well mention one way. I replied quietly, Pardon me Mrs James, I decline to discuss the matter. I am not interested in it. Sarah at this moment opened the door and showed in Cummings, For which I was thankful, For I felt it would put a stop to this foolish table turning. But I was entirely mistaken, For on the subject being opened again, Cummings said he was most interested in spiritualism, Though he was bound to confess he didn't believe but still he was willing to be convinced. I firmly declined to take any part in it with the result that my presence was ignored. I left the three sitting in the parlour at a small round table, Which they had taken out of the drawing room. I walked into the hall with the ultimate intention of taking a little stroll. As I opened the door, Who should come in but Gowing. On hearing what was going on, He proposed that we should join the circle and he would go into a trance. He added that he knew a few things about old Cummings and he would invent a few things about Mrs James. Knowing how dangerous Gowing is, I declined to let him take part in any such foolish performance. Sarah asked me if she could go out for half an hour and I gave her permission, Thinking it would be more comfortable to sit with Gowing in the kitchen than in the gold drawing room. We talked a good deal about Lupin and Mr and Mrs Murray Posh, With whom he is as usual spending the evening. Gowing said, I say it wouldn't be a bad thing for Lupin if old Posh kicked the bucket. My heart gave a leap of horror and I rebuked Gowing very sternly for joking on such a subject. I lay awake half the night thinking of it. The other half was spent in nightmares on the same subject. May the 31st. I wrote a stern letter to the laundress. I was rather pleased with the letter, For I thought it very satirical. I said, You have returned the handkerchiefs without the colour. Perhaps you will return either the colour or the value of the handkerchiefs. I shall be rather curious to know what she will have to say. More table turning in the evening. Carrie said last night was in a measure successful and they ought to sit again. Cummings came in and seemed interested. I had the gas lighted in the drawing room, Got the steps and repaired the cornice, Which has been a bit of an eyesore to me. In a fit of unthinkingness, If I may use such an expression, I gave the floor over the parlour where the seance was taking place, Two loud raps with the hammer. I felt sorry afterwards, For it was the sort of ridiculous foolhardy thing that Gowing or Lupin would have done. However, They never even referred to it, But Carrie declared that a message came through the table to her of a wonderful description concerning someone whom she and I knew years ago and who was quite unknown to the others. When we went to bed, Carrie asked me, As a favour, To sit tomorrow night to oblige her. She said it seemed rather unkind and unsociable on my part, So I promised I would sit once. June the 1st. I sat reluctantly at the table in the evening, And I am bound to admit some curious things happened. I contend they were coincidences, But they were curious. For instance, The table kept tilting towards me, Which Carrie construed as a desire that I should ask the spirit a question. I obeyed the rules and I asked the spirit, Who said her name was Lena, If she could tell me the name of an old aunt of whom I was thinking, And whom we used to call Aunt Maggie. The table spelled out C-A-T. We could make nothing out of it until I suddenly remembered that her second name was Catherine, Which it was evidently trying to spell. I don't think even Carrie knew this, But even if she did, She would never cheat. I must admit it was curious. Several other things happened too, And I consented to sit at another seance on Monday. June the 3rd. The laundress called and said she was very sorry about the handkerchiefs and returned ninepence. I said, As the colour was completely washed out and the handkerchiefs were quite spoiled, Ninepence was not enough. Carrie replied that the two handkerchiefs originally only cost sixpence, For she remembered buying them at a sale at the Holloway Bon Marché. In that case, I insisted that threepence should be returned to the laundress. Lubin has gone to stay with the Poshes for a few days. I must say I feel quite uncomfortable about it. Carrie said I was ridiculous to worry. Mr Posh was very fond of Lubin, Who after all, Was only a mere boy. In the evening we had another seance, Which in some respects was very remarkable, Although the first part of it was a little doubtful. Gowing called, As well as Cummings, And begged to be allowed to join the circle. I wanted to object, But Mrs James, Who appears a good medium, That is if there is anything in it at all, Thought there might be a little more spirit power if Gowing joined, So the five of us sat down. The moment I turned out the gas, And almost before I could get my hands on the table, It rocked violently and tilted and began moving across the room. Gowing shouted out, Way oh steady lad, Steady. I told Gowing if he could not behave himself, I should light the gas and put an end to the seance. To tell the truth, I thought Gowing was playing tricks and I hinted as much, But Mrs James said she had often seen the table go right off the ground. The spirit Lina came again and said warn three or four times and declined to explain. Mrs James said Lina was stubborn sometimes. She often behaved like that and the best thing to do was send her away. She then hit the table sharply and said go away Lina, You are disagreeable, Go away. I should think we sat nearly three quarters of an hour then with nothing happening. My hands felt quite cold and I suggested we should stop the seance. Carrie and Mrs James as well as Cummings wouldn't agree to it. In about 10 minutes time there was some tilting towards me. I gave the alphabet and it spelled out spoof. As I have heard both Gowing and Lupin use the word and as I could hear Gowing silently laughing, I directly accused him of pushing the table. He denied it but I regret to say I didn't believe him. Gowing said perhaps it means spook, A ghost. I said you know it doesn't mean anything of the sort. Gowing said oh very well, I'm sorry I spook and he rose from the table. No one took any notice of the stupid joke. And Mrs James suggested he should sit out for a while. Gowing consented and sat in the armchair. The table began to move again and we might have had a wonderful seance but for Gowing's stupid interruptions. In answer to the alphabet from Carrie the table spelt n-i-p-u-l then worn three times. We could not think what it meant till Cummings pointed out that n-i-p-u-l was Lupin spelt backwards. This was quite exciting. Carrie was particularly excited and said she hoped nothing horrible was going to happen. Mrs James asked if Lina was the spirit. The table replied firmly no and the spirit would not give his or her name. We then had the message n-i-p-u-l will be very rich. Carrie said she felt quite relieved but the word worn was again spelt out. The table then began to oscillate violently and in reply to Mrs James who spoke very softly to the table the spirit began to spell its name. It first spelt drink. Gowing here said ah that's more in my line. I asked him to be quiet as the name might not be completed. The table then spelt water. Gowing interrupted again and said ah that's not in my line. Outside if you like but not inside. Carrie appealed to him to be quiet. The table then spelt captain and Mrs James startled us by crying out captain drink water. A very old friend of my father's who has been dead some years. This was more interesting and I couldn't help thinking that after all there must be something in spiritualism. Mrs James asked the spirit to interpret the meaning of the word worn as applied to n-i-p-u-l. The alphabet was given again and we got the word bosh. Gowing here muttered so it is. Mrs James said she didn't think the spirit meant that as captain drink water was a perfect gentleman and would never have used the word in answer to a lady's question. Accordingly the alphabet was given again. This time the table spelled distinctly posh. We all thought of Mrs Murray posh and lupin. Carrie was getting a little distressed and as it was getting late we broke up the circle. We arranged to have one more tomorrow as it will be Mrs James last night in town. We also determined not to have Gowing present. Cummings before leaving said it was certainly interesting but he wished the spirits would say something about him. June the 4th, Quite looking forward to the seance this evening, Was thinking of it all day at the office. Just as we sat down at the table we were annoyed by Gowing entering without knocking. He said I am not going to stop but I have brought with me a sealed envelope which I know I can trust with Mrs Pooter. In that sealed envelope is a strip of paper on which I have asked a single question. If the spirits can answer that question I will believe in spiritualism. I ventured the expression that it might be impossible. Mrs James said oh no it is of common occurrence for the spirits to answer questions under such conditions and even for them to write on locked slates. It is quite worth trying. If Lena is in a good temper she is certain to do it. Gowing said all right then I shall be a firm believer. I shall perhaps drop in about half past nine or ten and hear the result. He then left and we sat a long time. Cummings wanted to know something about some undertaking which he was concerned but he could get no answer of any description whatever, At which he said he was very disappointed and was afraid there wasn't much in fable turning after all. I thought this rather selfish of him. The seance was very similar to the one last night, Almost the same in fact, So we turned to the letter. Lena took a long time answering the question but eventually spelt out roses, Lilies and cows. There was a great rocking of the table at this time and Mrs James said if that is Captain Drinkwater let us ask him the answer as well. It was the spirit of the captain and most singular he gave the same identical answer, Roses, Lilies and cows. I cannot describe the agitation with which Carrie broke the seal or the disappointment we felt on reading the question to which the answer was completely inappropriate. The question was what's old pooter's age? This quite decided me as I had put my foot down on spiritualism years ago so I would again. I am pretty easy going as a rule but I can be extremely firm when driven to it. I said slowly as I turned up the gas, This is the last of this nonsense that shall ever take place under my roof. I regret I I regret I permitted myself to be a party to such tomfoolery. If there is anything in it which I doubt, It is nothing of any good and I won't have it again, That is enough. Mrs James said, I think Mr Pootie you are rather overstepping. I said hush madam, I am master of this house, Please understand that. Mrs James made an observation which I sincerely hope I was mistaken in. I was in such a rage I couldn't quite catch what she said but if I thought she said what it sounded like, She should never enter the house again. To be continued.

Reviews

Ohhh I so wanted the spirits to answer correctly!
Delightful. As usual, Mandy
So…. is there a final chapter?
Waiting breathlessly!!