Diary Of A Nobody, Chapter Two

Hello! Mandy here. Please join me and Mr. Charles Pooter in listening to Chapter Two of his gently humorous tale set in Victorian London. Diary of a Nobody was written in 1892 and is the perfect bedtime story.

Transcript

Hello again,

This is Mandy here.

I'm going to be reading chapter two of Diary of a Nobody.

It's a classic gentle comedy set in Victorian London and written by brothers George and Weedon Grosmith in 1892.

So I wonder where you are listening to this?

I'm reading it to you from Yorkshire in England.

So before I begin let's make sure we're sitting comfortably or lying comfortably and that if there's anything you can do to make yourself just that tiny bit more at ease,

Please do it now.

Then you really will have nothing to do but relax and listen to my voice.

By the way thanks so much for joining me on this journey with Mr Charles Pooter and his diary.

Chapter two.

Tradesmen and the Scraper still troublesome.

Gowing rather tiresome with his complaints of the paint.

I make one of the best jokes of my life.

Delights of gardening.

Mr Stillbrook,

Gowing,

Cummings and I have a little misunderstanding.

Sarah makes me look a fool before Cummings.

And on to the diary.

April the 9th.

Commenced the morning badly.

The butcher,

Who he decided not to arrange with,

Called and blackarded me in the most uncalled for manner.

He began by abusing me and saying he did not want my custom.

I simply said,

Then what are you making all this fuss about it for?

And he shouted out at the top of his voice so that all the neighbours could hear.

Pah!

Go along.

I could buy up things like you by the dozen.

I shut the door and was giving Carrie to understand that this disgraceful scene was entirely her fault when there was a violent kicking at the door,

Enough to break the panels.

It was the blackguard butcher again,

Who said he'd cut his foot over the scraper and would immediately bring a legal action against me.

Called at Farmerson's,

The ironmongers,

On my way to town and gave him the job of moving the scraper and repairing the bells,

Thinking it scarcely worthwhile to trouble the landlord with such a trifling matter.

Arrived home tired and worried,

Mr Putley,

A painter and decorator,

Who had sent in a card,

Said he could not match the colour on the stairs as it contained Indian carmine.

He said he spent half a day calling up warehouses to see if he could get it.

He suggested he should entirely repaint the stairs.

It will cost very little more.

If he tried to match it,

He could only make a bad job of it.

It would be more satisfactory to him and to us to have the work done properly.

I did consent,

But I felt I had been talked over.

Planted some mustard and cress and radishes and went to bed at nine.

April the 10th.

Farmerson came round to attend to the scraper himself.

He seems a very civil fellow.

He says he does not usually conduct such small jobs personally,

But for me he would do so.

I thanked him and went to town.

It is disgraceful how late some of the young clerks are arriving at.

I told three of them that if Mr Perkupp,

The principal,

Heard of it,

They might be discharged.

Pitt,

A monkey of 17,

Who has only been with us six weeks,

Told me to keep my hair on.

I informed him I'd had the honour of being in the firm 20 years,

To which he insolently replied that I looked it.

I gave him an indignant look and said,

I demand from you some respect,

Sir.

He replied,

All right,

Go on demanding.

I would not argue with him any further.

You cannot argue with people like that.

In the evening,

Gowing called and repeated his complaint about the smell of the paint.

Gowing is sometimes very tedious with his remarks and not always cautious,

And Carrie once very properly reminded him that she was present.

April the 11th.

Mustard and cress and radishes not come up yet.

Today was a day of annoyances.

I missed the quarter to nine bus to the city through having words with the grocer's boy,

Who for the second time had the impertinence to bring his basket to the hall floor and had left the marks of his dirty boots on the fresh clean doorsteps.

He said he had knocked at the side door with his knuckles for a quarter of an hour.

I knew Sarah,

Our servant,

Could not hear this as she was upstairs doing the bedrooms,

So asked the boy why did he not ring the bell.

He replied that he did ring the bell,

But the handle came off in his hand.

I was half an hour late at the office,

A thing that has never happened to me before.

There has recently been much irregularity in the attendance of the clerks and Mr Perkupp,

Our principal,

Unfortunately chose this very morning to pounce down upon us early.

Someone had given a tip to the others.

The result was that I was the only one late out of the lot.

Buckling,

One of the senior clerks,

Was a brick and I was saved by his intervention.

As I passed by Pitt's desk I heard him remark to his neighbour,

How disgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive.

This was of course meant for me.

I treated the observation with silence,

Simply giving him a look,

Which unfortunately had the effect of making both the clerks laugh.

Thought afterwards it would have been more dignified if I pretended not to have heard him at all.

Cummings called in the evening and we played dominoes.

In the evening,

After tea,

Gowing dropped in and we had a smoke together in the breakfast parlour.

Carrie joined us later,

But didn't stay long,

Saying smoke was too much for her.

It was also rather too much for me,

For Gowing had given me what he called a green cigar,

One that his friend Schumach had just bought over from America.

The cigar didn't look green,

But I fancy I must have done,

For when I had smoked a little more than half,

I was obliged to retire on the pretext of telling Sarah to bring in the glasses.

I took a walk around the garden three or four times,

Feeling the need of fresh air.

On returning,

Gowing noticed I was not smoking.

He offered me another cigar,

Which I politely declined.

Gowing began his usual sniffing,

So anticipating him I said,

You're not going to complain of the smell of paint again?

He said,

No not this time,

But I'll tell you what,

I distinctly smell dry rot.

I don't often make jokes,

But I replied,

You're talking a lot of dry rot yourself.

I couldn't help roaring at this,

And Carrie said,

Her sides quite ached with laughter.

I never was so immensely tickled by anything I have ever said before.

I actually woke up twice during the night and laughed till the bed shook.

April the 13th,

An extraordinary coincidence.

Carrie had called in a woman to make some chintz covers for our drawing room chairs and sofa,

To prevent the sun fading the green of the furniture.

I saw the woman and recognised her as a woman who used to work years ago for my old aunt at Clapham.

It only shows how small the world is.

April the 14th,

Spent the whole of the afternoon in the garden,

Having this morning picked up at a bookstore for five pence,

A capital little book,

In good condition,

On gardening.

I procured and sewed some half-hardy annuals in what I fancy will be a warm sunny border.

I thought of a joke and called out to Carrie.

Carrie came out rather testy,

I thought.

I said,

I have just discovered that we have got a lodging house.

She replied,

How do you mean?

I said,

Look at the borders.

Carrie said,

Is that all you wanted me for?

I said,

Any other time you would have laughed at my little pleasantry.

Carrie said,

Certainly,

At any other time,

But not when I'm busy in the house.

The stairs look very nice.

Gowing called and said the stairs looked all right,

But it made the banisters look all wrong,

And suggested a coat of paint on them also,

Which Carrie quite agreed with.

I walked round to Putley,

Unfortunate he was out,

So I had a good excuse to let the banisters slide.

By the by,

That is rather funny.

April the 15th,

Sunday.

At three o'clock Cummings and Gowing called for a good long walk over Hampstead and Finchley,

And brought with them a friend named Stillbrook.

We walked and chatted together,

Except Stillbrook,

Who was always a few yards behind us,

Staring at the ground and cutting at the grass with his stick.

As it was getting on for five,

We four held a consultation,

And Gowing suggested we should make for the Cowan Hedge and get some tea.

Stillbrook said a brandy and soda was good enough for him.

I reminded him that all public houses were closed till six o'clock.

Stillbrook said,

That's all right,

Bona fide travellers.

We arrived,

And as I was trying to pass,

The man in charge of the gate said,

Where from?

I replied,

Holloway.

He immediately put up his arm and declined to let me pass.

I turned back for a moment when I saw Stillbrook,

Closely followed by Cummings and Gowing,

Make for the entrance.

I watched them and thought I would have a good laugh at their expense.

I heard the porter say,

Where from?

When to my surprise,

In fact disgust,

Stillbrook replied,

Blackheath,

And the three were immediately admitted.

Gowing called to me across the gate and said,

We shan't be a minute.

I waited for them the best part of an hour.

When they appeared,

They were all in most excellent spirits,

And the only one who made an effort to apologise was Mr Stillbrook,

Who said to me,

It was very rough on you to be kept waiting,

But we had another spin for S's and B's.

I walked home in silence.

I couldn't speak to them.

I felt very dull all the evening,

But deemed it advisable not to say anything to Carrie about the matter.

April the 16th.

After business,

Set to work in the garden.

When it got dark,

I wrote to Cummings and Gowing,

Who neither called for a wonder,

Perhaps they were ashamed of themselves,

About yesterday's adventure at the Cowan Hedge.

Afterwards made up my mind not to write yet.

April the 17th.

Thought I would write a kind little note to Gowing and Cummings about last Sunday,

Warning them against Mr Stillbrook.

Afterwards,

Thinking the matter over,

Tore up the letters and determined not to write at all,

But to speak quietly to them.

Dunne found it at receiving a sharp letter from Cummings,

Saying that both he and Gowing had been waiting for an explanation of my,

My mind you,

Extraordinary conduct,

Coming home on Sunday.

At last I wrote,

I thought I was the aggrieved party,

But as I freely forgive you,

You,

Feeling yourself agreed,

Should bestow forgiveness on me.

I have copied this verbatim in the diary,

Because I think it is one of the most perfect and thoughtful sentences I have ever written.

I posted the letter,

But in my own heart,

I felt I was actually apologising for having been insulted.

April the 18th.

I'm in for a cold.

Spent the whole day at the office sneezing.

In the evening,

The cold being intolerable,

Sent Sarah out for a bottle of Kinnahan.

Fell asleep in the armchair and woke with the shivers.

Was startled by a loud knock at the front door.

Carrie awfully flurried.

Sarah still out,

So went up,

Opened the door and found it was only Cummings.

Remembered the grocers boy had again broken the side bell.

Cummings squeezed my hand and said,

I've just seen Gowing.

All right,

Say no more about it.

There is no doubt,

They are both under the impression that I have apologised.

While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour,

He said,

By the by,

Do you want any wine or spirits?

My cousin Merton has just set up in the trade and has a splendid whiskey,

Four years in bottle at 38 shillings.

It is worth your while laying down a few dozen of it.

I told him that my cellars,

Which were very small,

Were full up.

To my horror,

At that very moment,

Sarah entered the room and putting a bottle of whiskey wrapped in a dirty piece of newspaper on the table in front of us said,

Please,

Sir,

The grocer says he ain't got no more Kinahan,

But you'll find this very good at two and six with toppants returned on the bottle.

And please,

Did you want any more sherry?

As he has some at one and three,

As dry as a knot,

To be continued.

Reviews

Enjoyed chapter 2. Will keep going! Thanks Mandy 🙏🏻

Love this gently amusing tale and your reading of it!