Alice in Wonderland, Chapters 9 and 10

Join Alice again to hear of her adventures with the Duchess, the Gryphon and the Mock Turtle. Hear the Turtle's sad story and learn all about the Lobster Quadrille and why the whiting always has its tail in its mouth.

Transcript

Hello there,

Welcome back to the strange world of Alice in Wonderland.

And we're going to be looking at chapters 9 and 10 tonight.

And just as an interesting fact,

You'll hear chamomile mentioned as I read along.

Chamomile is best known to us nowadays as a calming tea,

But in Victorian times it was an extremely bitter medicine.

So do go ahead and make yourself really comfortable,

Whether you're lying down or sitting down,

And I'll begin.

Chapter 9,

The Mock Turtle's Story.

You can't think how glad I am to see you again,

You dear old thing,

Said the Duchess,

As she tucked her arm affectionately into Alice's and they walked off together.

Alice was very glad to find her in such a pleasant temper and thought to herself that perhaps it was only the pepper that had made her so savage when they met in the kitchen.

When I'm a Duchess,

She said to herself,

Not in a very hopeful term though,

I won't have any pepper in my kitchen at all.

Soup does very well without.

Maybe it's always pepper that makes people hot-tempered,

She went on,

Very much pleased having found out a new kind of rule.

And maybe it's vinegar that makes them sour and chamomile that makes them bitter and barley sugar and such things like that that make children sweet-tempered.

I only wish people knew that,

Then they wouldn't be so stingy about it,

You know.

She had quite forgotten the Duchess by this time and was a little startled when she heard her voice close to her ear.

You're thinking about something,

My dear,

And that makes you forget to talk.

I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is,

But I shall remember it in a bit.

Perhaps there is one Alice ventured.

Tuck,

Tuck,

Child,

Said the Duchess.

Everything's got a moral,

If only you can find it.

And she squeezed herself up closer to Alice's side as she spoke.

Alice didn't much like her keeping so close to her.

First,

Because the Duchess was very ugly.

And second,

Because she was exactly the right height to rest her chin on Alice's shoulder,

And it was an uncomfortably sharp chin.

However,

She didn't like to be rude,

So she bore it as well as she could.

The game's going on rather better now,

She said,

By way of keeping up the conversation a little.

It is so,

Said the Duchess,

And the moral of that is,

Oh,

It is love,

It is love that makes the world go round.

Somebody said,

Alice whispered,

That that's done by making everybody mind their own business.

Oh,

Well,

It means much the same thing,

Said the Duchess,

Digging her sharp little chin into Alice's shoulder,

As she added,

And the moral of that is,

Take care of the sense and the sound will take care of themselves.

How fond she is of finding morals in things,

Alice thought to herself.

I dare say you're wondering why I don't put my arm round your waist,

The Duchess said after a pause.

The reason is,

I'm doubtful about the temper of your flamingo.

Shall I try the experiment?

He might bite,

Alice replied cautiously,

Not feeling at all anxious to have the experiment tried.

Very true,

Said the Duchess,

Flamingos and mustard both bite,

And the moral of that is,

Birds of a feather flock together.

Only mustard isn't a bird,

Alice remarked.

Right,

As usual,

Said the Duchess,

What a clear way you have of putting things.

It's a mineral,

I think,

Said Alice.

Of course it is,

Said the Duchess,

Who seemed ready to agree to everything that Alice said.

There's a large mustard mine near here,

And the moral of that is,

The more there is of mine,

The less there is of yours.

Oh I know,

Exclaimed Alice,

Who had not attended to this last remark.

It's a vegetable,

It doesn't look like one,

But it is.

I quite agree with you,

Said the Duchess,

And the moral of that is,

Be what you would seem to be,

Or be what you are.

Be what you would seem to be,

Or if you'd like it put more simply,

Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others,

That what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.

I think I should understand that better,

Alice said very politely,

If I had it written down.

I can't quite follow it as you say it.

That's nothing to what I could say if I chose,

The Duchess replied in a pleased tone.

Pray don't trouble yourself to say it any longer than that,

Said Alice.

Oh don't talk about trouble,

Said the Duchess.

I make you a present of everything I've said as yet.

A cheap sort of present,

Thought Alice.

I'm glad people don't give birthday presents like that,

But she didn't venture to say that aloud.

Thinking again,

The Duchess asked with another dig of her sharp little chin.

I've a right to think,

Said Alice sharply.

She was beginning to feel a little worried.

Just about as much right,

Said the Duchess,

As pigs have to fly and them.

But here,

To Alice's great surprise,

The Duchess's voice died away,

Even in the middle of her favourite word,

Moral,

And the arm that was linked into hers began to tremble.

Alice looked up and there stood the Queen in front of them,

With her arms around her neck.

Her arms folded,

Frowning like a thunderstorm.

A fine day,

Your Majesty,

The Duchess began in a low,

Weak voice.

Now I give you fair warning,

Shouted the Queen,

Stamping on the ground as she spoke.

Either you or your head must be off,

And that in about half no time.

Take your choice.

The Duchess took her choice and was gone in a moment.

Let's go on with the game,

The Queen said to Alice,

And Alice was too much frightened to object.

She slowly followed the Queen back to the croquet ground.

The other guests had taken advantage of the Queen's absence and were resting in the shade.

However,

The moment they saw her,

They hurried back to the game,

The Queen merely remarking that a moment's delay would cost them their lives.

All the time they were playing,

The Queen never left off quarrelling with the other players and shouting,

Off with his head,

Or off with her head.

Those whom she sentenced were taken into custody by the soldiers,

Who of course had to leave off being arches to do this,

So that by the end of half an hour or so,

There were no arches left,

And all the players,

Except the King,

The Queen and Alice,

Were in custody and under sentence of execution.

Then the Queen left off,

Quite out of breath,

And said to Alice,

Have you seen the mock turtle yet?

No,

Said Alice,

I don't even know what a mock turtle is.

It's the thing mock turtle soup is made of,

Said the Queen.

I never saw one or heard of one,

Said Alice.

Come on then,

Said the Queen,

And he shall tell you his history.

As they walked off together,

Alice heard the King say,

In a low voice,

To the company generally,

You are all pardoned.

Come,

That's a good thing,

She said to herself,

For she had felt quite unhappy at the number of executions the Queen had ordered.

They very soon came upon a griffon lying fast asleep in the sun.

Up,

Lazy thing,

Said the Queen,

And take this young lady to see the mock turtle and to hear his history.

I must go back and see after some executions I have ordered.

And she walked off,

Leaving Alice alone with the griffon.

Alice didn't quite like the look of the creature,

But on the whole,

She thought it would be quite as safe to stay with it as to leave it alone.

The Queen was quite tired,

And Alice was quite tired,

And Alice was quite tired,

And she was quite tired,

And she was quite tired,

And she was quite tired,

And she was quite tired,

And she was quite tired,

And she was quite tired,

And she was quite tired,

And she was quite tired,

And she was quite tired,

And she was quite tired,

And she was quite tired,

And she was quite tired,

And she was quite tired,

And she was quite tired,

And she was quite tired,

And she was quite tired.

The griffon sat up and rubbed its eyes.

Then it watched the Queen till she was out of sight.

Then it chuckled.

What fun,

Said the griffon,

Half to itself,

Half to Alice.

It's all her fancy,

That.

They never execute nobody,

You know.

Come on.

Everybody says,

Come on,

Here,

Thought Alice,

As she went slowly after it.

I never was so ordered about before in all my life.

Never.

They had not gone far before they saw the mock turtle,

In the distance,

Sitting sad and lonely on a little ledge of rock.

And as they came nearer,

Alice could hear him sighing,

As if his heart would break.

She pitted him deeply.

What is his sorrow?

She asked the griffon.

And the griffon answered,

Very nearly in the same words as before.

It's all his fancy,

That.

He hasn't got no sorrow,

You know.

Come on.

So they went up to the mock turtle,

Who looked at them with large eyes full of tears,

But said nothing.

This here young lady,

Said the griffon,

She wants for to know your history,

She do.

I'll tell it her,

Said the mock turtle,

In a deep hollow tone.

Sit down,

Both of you,

And don't speak a word till I've finished.

So they sat down,

And nobody spoke for some minutes.

Alice thought to herself,

I don't see how he can ever finish if he doesn't begin.

But she waited patiently.

Once,

Said the mock turtle at last,

With a deep sigh,

I was a real turtle.

These words were followed by a very long silence,

Broken only by an occasional exclamation of Alice was very nearly getting up and saying,

Thank you,

Sir,

For your interesting story.

But she couldn't help thinking there must be more to come.

So she sat still and said nothing.

When we were little,

The mock turtle went on at last,

More calmly,

And said,

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to finish.

But she said,

I'm sure I'll finish,

And she said,

I'm sure I'll finish.

When we were little,

The mock turtle went on at last,

More calmly,

Though still sobbing a little now and then,

We went to school in the sea.

The master was an old turtle.

We used to call him Tortoise.

Why did you call him Tortoise if he wasn't one?

Alice asked.

We called him Tortoise because he taught us,

Said the mock turtle.

Really,

You were very dull.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question,

Added the griffon.

And then they both sat silent and looked at poor Alice,

Who felt ready to sink into the earth.

At last,

The griffon said to the mock turtle,

Drive on,

Old fellow,

Don't be all day about it.

And he went on in these words.

Yes,

We went to school in the sea,

Though you may not believe it.

I never said I didn't,

Interrupted Alice.

You did,

Said the mock turtle.

Hold your tongue,

Added the griffon,

Before Alice could speak again.

The mock turtle went on.

We had the best of educations.

In fact,

We went to school every day.

I've been to a day school too,

Said Alice.

You needn't be so proud as all that.

With extras,

Asked the mock turtle a little anxiously.

Yes,

Said Alice.

We learned French and music.

And washing,

Said the mock turtle.

Certainly not,

Said Alice indignantly.

Then yours wasn't a really good school,

Said the mock turtle,

In a tone of great relief.

Now at ours,

They had at the end of the bill,

French,

Music and washing extra.

You couldn't have wanted it much,

Said Alice,

Living at the bottom of the sea.

I couldn't afford to learn it,

Said the mock turtle.

I couldn't afford to learn it,

Said the mock turtle,

With a sigh.

I only took the regular course.

What was that,

Inquired Alice.

Reeling and writhing,

Of course,

To begin with,

The mock turtle replied.

And then the different branches of arithmetic.

Ambition,

Distraction,

Uglification and derision.

I never heard of uglification,

Alice ventured to say.

What is it?

The gryphon lifted up both its paws,

In surprise.

Never heard of uglifying,

It exclaimed.

You know what to beautify is,

I suppose.

Yes,

Said Alice,

Doubtfully.

It means to make something prettier.

Well then,

The gryphon went on.

If you don't know what to uglify is,

You are a simpleton.

Alice didn't feel encouraged to ask any more questions.

So she turned to the mock turtle and said,

What else had you to learn?

Well,

There was mystery,

The mock turtle replied,

Counting off the subjects on its flappers.

Mystery,

Ancient and modern,

With seography,

Then,

Drawling.

The drawing master was an old conger eel,

That used to come once a week.

He taught us,

Drawing,

Scratching and fainting in coils.

What was that like,

Said Alice?

Well,

I can't show it you myself,

The mock turtle said.

I'm too stiff and the gryphon never learnt it.

Hadn't time,

Said the gryphon.

I went to the classical master though,

He was an old crab,

He was.

I never went to him,

The mock turtle said,

With a sigh.

He taught laughing and grief,

They used to say.

So he did,

So he did,

Said the gryphon,

Sighing in his turn.

And both creatures hid their faces in their pools.

And how many hours a day did you do lessons,

Said Alice,

In a hurry to change the subject?

Ten hours the first day,

Said the mock turtle,

Nine the next,

And so on.

What a curious plan,

It slamed Alice.

That's the reason they're called lessons,

The gryphon remarked,

Because they lesson from day to day.

This was quite a new idea to Alice,

And she thought it over a little before she made her next remark.

Then the 11th day must have been a holiday.

Of course it was,

Said the mock turtle.

And how did you manage on the 12th?

Alice went on eagerly.

That's enough about lessons,

The gryphon interrupted in a very decided tone.

Tell us something about the games now.

Chapter 10,

The Lobster Quadrille.

The mock turtle sighed deeply and drew the back of one flapper across his eyes.

He looked at Alice and tried to speak,

But for a minute or two,

Sobs choked his voice.

Same as if he had a bone in his throat,

Said the gryphon,

And it's set to work shaking him and punching him in the back.

At last the mock turtle recovered his voice and with tears running down his cheeks he went on again.

You may not have lived much under the sea,

I haven't,

Said Alice,

And perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster.

Alice began to say,

I once tasted,

But checked herself hastily and said,

No never.

So you can have no idea what a delightful thing a lobster quadrille is.

No indeed,

Said Alice,

What sort of a dance is it?

Why,

Said the gryphon,

You first form into a line along the seashore.

Two lines,

Cried the mock turtle,

Seals,

Turtles,

Salmon and so on.

Then when you've cleared all the jellyfish out of the way,

That generally takes some time,

Interrupted the gryphon.

You advance twice,

Each with a lobster as a partner,

Cried the gryphon.

Of course,

The mock turtle said,

Advance twice,

Set to partners,

Change lobsters and retire in the same order,

Continued the gryphon.

Then you know,

The mock turtle went on,

You throw the,

The lobsters,

Shouted the gryphon,

With a bound into the air.

As far out to sea as you can,

Swim after them,

Screamed the gryphon.

Turn a somersault in the sea,

Cried the mock turtle,

Capering wildly about.

Change lobsters again,

Yelled the gryphon at the top of its voice.

Back to land and that's all the first figure,

Said the mock turtle,

Suddenly dropping his voice.

And the two creatures who had been jumping about like mad things all this time,

Sat down again,

Very sadly and quietly and looked at Alice.

It must be a very pretty dance,

Said Alice.

Would you like to see a little of it,

Said the mock turtle.

Very much indeed,

Said Alice.

Come,

Let's try the first figure,

Said the mock turtle to the gryphon.

We can do it without lobsters,

You know.

Which shall sing?

Ah,

You sing,

Said the gryphon.

I've forgotten the words.

So they began solemnly dancing round and round Alice,

Every now and then,

Treading on her toes when they passed too close and waving their forepaws to mark the time,

While the mock turtle sang this,

Very slowly and sadly.

Will you walk a little faster,

Said a whiting to a snail.

There's a porpoise close behind us and he's treading on my tail.

See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance.

They are waiting on the shingle.

Will you come and join the dance?

Will you,

Won't you,

Will you,

Won't you,

Will you join the dance?

Will you,

Won't you,

Will you,

Won't you,

Will you join the dance?

You can really have no notion how delightful it will be when they take us up and throw us with the lobsters out to sea.

But the snail replied,

Too far,

Too far,

And gave a look askance.

Said he thanked the whiting kindly,

But he would not join the dance.

Would not,

Could not,

Would not,

Could not,

Would not join the dance.

Would not,

Could not,

Would not,

Could not,

Could not join the dance.

What matters is how far we go,

His scaly friend replied.

There is another shore you know,

Upon the other side.

The further off from England,

The nearer is to France.

Then turn up pale,

Beloved snail,

But come and join the dance.

Will you,

Won't you,

Will you,

Won't you,

Will you join the dance?

Will you,

Won't you,

Will you,

Won't you,

Won't you join the dance?

Thank you.

It's very interesting dance to watch,

Said Alice,

Feeling very glad that it was over at last and I do so like that curious song about the whiting.

Oh,

As to the whiting,

Said the mock turtle,

They,

You've seen them of course.

Yes,

Said Alice,

I've often seen them at dinn,

She checked herself hastily.

I don't know where dinn may be,

Said the mock turtle,

But if you've seen them so often,

Of course you know what they're like.

I believe so,

Alice replied thoughtfully.

They have their tails in their mouths and they're all over crumbs.

You're wrong about the crumbs,

Said the mock turtle,

Crumbs would all wash off in the sea.

But they do have their tails in their mouths and the reason is,

Here the mock turtle yawned and shut his eyes,

Tell her about the reason and all that,

Said the gryphon.

Ah,

The reason is,

Added the gryphon,

That they would go with the lobsters to the dance.

So they got thrown out to sea,

So they had to fall a long way,

So they got their tails fast in their mouths,

So they couldn't get them out again,

That's all.

Thank you,

Said Alice,

It's very interesting,

I never knew so much about a whiting before.

I can tell you more than that,

If you like,

Said the gryphon.

Do you know why it's called a whiting?

I never thought about it,

Said Alice.

Why?

It does the boots and shoes,

The gryphon replied.

Alice was thoroughly puzzled.

Does the boots and shoes,

She wondered.

Why?

What are your shoes done with,

Said the gryphon.

I mean,

What makes them so shiny?

Alice looked down at them and considered a little before she gave her answer.

They're done with blacking,

I believe.

Boots and shoes under the sea,

The gryphon went on in a voice,

Deep voice,

Are done with whiting,

Now you know.

And what are they made of,

Alice asked,

In a tone of great curiosity.

Souls and eels,

Of course,

The gryphon replied,

Rather impatiently.

Any shrimp could have told you that.

If I'd been the whiting,

Said Alice,

Whose thoughts were still running on the song,

Arda said to the porpoise,

Keep back please,

We don't want you with us.

They were obliged to have him with them,

The mock turtle said.

No wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise.

Wouldn't it really,

Said Alice,

In a tone of great surprise.

Of course not,

Said the mock turtle.

Why,

If a fish came to me and told me he was going on a journey,

I should say,

With what porpoise?

Don't you mean purpose,

Said Alice.

I mean what I say,

The mock turtle replied,

In an offended tone.

And the gryphon added,

Come,

Let's hear some of your adventures.

I could tell you my adventures,

Beginning from this morning,

Said Alice,

A little timidly,

But it's no use going back to yesterday,

Because I was a different person then.

Explain all that,

Said the mock turtle.

No,

No,

The adventures first,

Said the gryphon,

In an impatient tone.

Explanations take such a dreadful time.

So Alice began telling them her adventures,

From the time when she first saw the white rabbit.

She was a little nervous about it,

Just at first the two creatures got so close to her,

One on each side,

And opened their eyes and mouths so very wide,

But she gained courage as she went on.

Her listeners were perfectly quiet till she got to the part about her repeating,

You were old father William,

To the caterpillar,

And the words all coming out different.

And then the mock turtle drew a long breath and said,

That's very curious.

It's all about as curious as can be,

Said the gryphon.

It all came different,

The mock turtle repeated thoughtfully.

I should like to hear her try and repeat something now.

Tell her to begin.

He looked at the gryphon as if he thought it had some kind of authority over Alice.

Stand up and repeat is the voice of the sluggard,

Said the gryphon.

How the creatures do order one about and make one repeat lessons,

Thought Alice.

I might just as well be at school.

However,

She got up and began to repeat it.

But her head was so full of the lobster quadrille that she hardly knew what she was saying.

And the words came out very strange indeed.

It is the voice of the lobster I heard him declare,

You have baked me too brown,

I must sugar my hair.

As a duck with its eyelids,

So he with his nose,

Trims his belt and his buttons,

And turns out his toes.

When the suns are all dry,

He is gay as a lark and will talk in contemptuous tones of the shark.

But when the tide rises and sharks are around,

His voice has a timid and tremulous sound.

That's different from what I used to say when I was a child,

Said the gryphon.

Well,

I never heard it before,

Said the mock turtle,

But it sounds uncommon nonsense.

Alice said nothing.

She had sat down with her face in her hands,

Wondering if anything would ever happen in a normal way again.

I should like to have it explained,

Said the mock turtle.

She can't explain it,

Said the gryphon.

Go on with the next verse.

But about his toes,

The mock turtle persisted,

How could he turn them out with his nose,

You know?

It's the first position in dancing,

Alice said,

But she was dreadfully puzzled by the whole thing and longed to change the subject.

Go on with the next verse,

The gryphon repeated.

It begins,

I'll pass by his garden.

Alice did not dare to disobey,

Though she felt sure it would all come out wrong,

And she went on in a trembling voice.

I passed by his garden and marked with one eye how the owl and the panther were sharing a pie.

The panther took pie crust and gravy and meat,

While the owl had the dish as its share of the treat.

When the pie was all finished,

The owl,

As a boon,

Was kindly permitted to pocket the spoon,

While the panther received knife and fork with a growl,

And concluded the banquet by,

What is the use of repeating all that stuff,

The mock turtle interrupted.

If you don't explain it as you go on,

It's by far the most confusing thing I ever heard.

Yes,

I think you'd better leave off,

Said the gryphon,

And Alice was only too glad to do so.

Shall we try another figure of the lobster quadrille,

The mock turtle said,

Or would you like me to sing you another song?

Oh,

A song please,

If you'd be so kind,

Alice replied,

So eagerly,

That the gryphon said,

In a rather offended tone,

No accounting for tastes,

Sing a turtle soup,

Will you,

Old fellow?

The mock turtle sighed deeply and began in a voice choked with sobs,

To sing this.

Beautiful soup,

So rich and green,

Waiting in a hot terrine,

Who for such denties would not stoop?

Soup of the evening,

Beautiful soup,

Soup of the evening,

Beautiful soup,

Beautiful soup,

Beautiful soup,

Soup of the evening,

Beautiful,

Beautiful soup.

Beautiful soup,

Who cares for fish,

Game or any other dish?

Who would not give all else for two pennyworth only of beautiful soup?

Pennyworth only of beautiful soup,

Beautiful soup,

Beautiful soup,

Soup of the evening,

Beautiful,

Beautiful soup.

Chorus again,

Cried the gryphon,

And the mock turtle had just begun to repeat it,

When a cry of,

The troggles beginning,

Was heard in the distance.

Come on,

Cried the gryphon,

And taking Alice by the hand,

It hurried off,

Without waiting for the end of the song.

What trial is it?

Alex panted as they ran,

But the gryphon only answered,

Come on,

And ran the faster,

While more and more faintly came,

Carried on the breeze that followed them,

The melancholy words,

Soup of the evening,

Beautiful,

Beautiful soup.

To be continued.