The Neglectful Narcissist: Why Recognizing The Signs Matters

When we think of narcissism, we often picture the grandiose, attention-seeking individual who craves admiration and validation. However, there is another, less obvious type of narcissist who can be equally damaging: the neglectful narcissist. Unlike their overt counterparts, neglectful narcissists are more subtle in their behavior, making it harder to identify the harm they cause. This type of narcissist may not openly demand praise or validation, but their impact can be just as devastating, especially when it comes to emotional neglect.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about the neglectful narcissist and some of the ways that you are going to feel if you are married to or partnered with or in a relationship or are a family member with someone who is a neglectful narcissist.

I think this is a really important topic to talk about because so many people who are in relationships with narcissists of varied types,

Overt,

Covert,

Vulnerable,

Neglectful,

You end up being so confused.

You end up feeling like,

What's wrong with me?

If you are somebody who is at all even mildly healthy,

Then you check yourself.

Did I say anything wrong?

What did I do to this person?

Why is this person ignoring me?

That's generally what healthy people do.

Generally,

People who are healthy don't intentionally ignore other people unless,

Of course,

This is someone who's done something terrible to them and they're trying to send the message that we need to have a boundary here because you're not good for me and I'm not good for you.

That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about being in an intimate relationship with someone that should be interested in who you are,

That should be interested in your selfhood,

That should be interested in what makes you tick,

That should be interested in how you feel,

That should be interested in how your day was going,

Who should be interested in your accomplishments,

Who should be interested in when your life isn't going so good.

It seems like so kindergarten 101 that you shouldn't have to teach someone that if they say that they love you,

If they appear as if they want to be married to you or if you're married to them,

Or it seems as if you shouldn't have to speak to your sister or your brother or a parent or whoever,

You shouldn't have to tell them there's something missing.

There should be some level of desire to want to know me and you just simply don't.

It doesn't seem like we should have to teach people that and although obviously we do,

Or we at least have to understand and be able to identify what's wrong because if we don't know what's wrong,

You're never going to find a solution.

I would put it this way.

It's not uncommon for people who are married to people who are neglectful narcissists to go decades feeling like there's something wrong with me.

I just can't get him to connect or I just can't get her to be interested in me.

Or what happens is partners will say,

Well,

He's a workaholic or well,

She's really trying to work hard for her family.

And so the partners of neglectful narcissists blame themselves for why their partners don't have energy left for them.

And I'm not just talking about energy because the world is an incredible place.

And at least here in New York,

Like having a home where only one parent works is nearly impossible.

And so in today's day and age,

It's more common for both parents to have to work.

And so in terms of how much energy do I have to spread out?

I get that you work all day,

You come home,

Sometimes you just want to chill out and you need some time to yourself.

That's normal.

But what I'm talking about,

People who have no interest in who you are,

This is a neglectful narcissist.

Someone that you're married to that feels entitled to work all day and to come home and ignore you.

Someone who is so aloof and detached in how they see you and they have no connection to you and they feel entitled to be that disinterested in what's going on with you.

Even if you are on the phone,

You get off the phone and you're really upset,

They will not acknowledge you.

It's almost like they've decided that I'm just not going to go there.

I don't want to know why she's crying.

I don't want to know why he's upset,

Past the butter.

So when you're dealing with a neglectful narcissist,

This is someone who is an absolute disinterest in the essence of you,

In what makes you human,

In what makes you tick.

Signs that you're going to look for is that they do not acknowledge your essence,

Your emotions,

Your desires,

Your needs,

Your dreams off the table.

It's like their eyes are down.

You're in the same room with them.

You could be studying for an exam or getting dressed to go to a class.

They don't care.

They don't ask you about it.

When you come home from that class,

They don't ask you how it went.

There is literally like whatever's going on inside of you,

I'm just not interested in.

And so you'll feel that.

And if you're not careful,

What might happen is that you'll feel that.

You'll feel like they're ignoring you.

And then you'll try harder to like dance or jump through a hoop that you think they prefer you jump through in order to get their validation.

I caution you against playing that game.

So you'll notice that they are disinterested in basically who you are.

So if you're having a conversation and you say,

Well,

I think this happened because of that,

They don't pick up the ball.

They don't care what you think.

They don't care what you feel.

So in your conversations with them,

You'll hear,

Hmm,

Or you won't hear anything at all.

So trying to get them to engage with you on a feeling level where you feel connected is going to cause you to feel isolated,

Very,

Very lonely in this relationship.

And if you're not careful and you don't know what you're dealing with,

I think it's really easy to slip down a rabbit hole and feel not good enough,

Especially if you have childhood trauma and you have grown up feeling not good enough.

Living with someone who ignores the essence of you,

The humanness in you,

The selfhood in you,

The emotions in you,

Your dreams and your desires,

Living with that person,

It's so easy to have that not enough stuff get triggered.

And so it's really important that you maintain objectivity and you're observing what's happening in your relationship and you're able to clearly identify this pervasive pattern of basically ignoring you and feeling entitled to ignore you and really being completely disinterested in how this person is ignoring you,

Is making you feel they just don't care.

Really important.

They also will criticize and demean and devalue and put you down when you notice that something's up.

So you notice that you're being ignored or you notice that they're just not connecting to you,

That they roll over in bed or they walk in the house,

They take their shoes off,

They start reading the paper or they start going on their iPad and there's no,

How are you?

How was your day?

How'd the kids do?

How's your mother feeling?

How's your best friend?

Like this person knows nothing about you and they're okay with it and they feel like that's the way it should be.

And you may have heard me say this in past podcasts and videos where I said my ex-husband said to me out loud,

He was wearing blue shorts,

A white t-shirt and he had a gallon of milk in his hand at the time.

His other hand was on the refrigerator.

He's going to put the gallon of milk away.

I never think about your feelings.

And I thought,

What is that?

Like all I do is think about your feelings and what you need and how can I help you and how can I connect to you?

Trying to figure you out.

I am too much,

Right?

Because a codependent is other focused and to hear him say out loud,

No,

I never think about your feelings was shocking.

But I didn't have this verbiage back then when I was a young mom and I was a young wife in my first marriage.

I had no idea what this was.

I just knew it hurt.

And I just knew intuitively this is wrong because according to what he's thinking,

Anybody should be able to be in my seat.

If you don't care what I think or what I feel,

And you're really not interested in me,

Why are you married to me?

Now that answers a really,

Really important question because what happens if you are with a neglectful narcissist,

Make no mistake,

You're filling some need.

They may be just being married to you,

Fills a void,

Or maybe being married to you is what this person thinks is expected of them.

And it just makes their life easier.

Maybe they wanted to have kids.

They thought they should have kids.

And now you're the one raising the kids.

You're the one taking care of the house.

You're the one paying the bills while this person goes out and chases after their career.

And so there's a reason that you're in their life.

You are filling a need,

But it's a means to an end.

So it's sort of like,

You're just the thing that is being checked off in the box.

There is no real desire to get to know you as a human being.

And there is also,

This is a pervasive pattern.

The other thing that you'll notice,

This is the fourth sign,

Is that this person might be able to connect to other people.

And you'll see this person come alive with other people,

Maybe his nieces or her nieces or a coworker or a friend,

But you're going to feel like,

Wow,

You're going to feel it.

You're going to see they do have the potential to turn it on and to be curious about what's going on with this other person.

They do have this potential.

So you're going to notice that this person can turn it on with other people.

And then when alone with you turns it off again,

And you will feel tremendously,

Tremendously lonely in your relationship.

The last sign,

Which piggybacks off of an earlier sign,

Is that they won't pay attention to you unless they need something.

So again,

You're a means to an end.

So whatever it is,

Maybe it's money,

Maybe he or she is aggravated about what's happened at work and they're amped up.

That's when they'll come to you and they'll want to talk about that thing.

And once they've expressed it and their energy's out,

Then they don't need to talk to you about it anymore.

And if you wake up and you're at the breakfast table with them and you say,

How are you feeling about the conversation that you had with John?

Oh,

Everything's fine.

Nothing's wrong.

They don't want to go there anymore.

You have supplied them with a narcissistic supply of an audience that they needed when they needed it,

When they were hot,

When they were bothered.

But now that things have calmed down,

We're not talking about this again.

Because talking about this very vulnerable thing would imply that you were equal.

It would imply that this person is vulnerable and needed your feedback.

So someone who is,

In my opinion,

Someone who's a neglectful narcissist does not want to appear vulnerable,

Does not want to appear like they have a need.

And so there's this elevation within their own head.

There's this sense of superiority.

So there is a lack of empathy.

There is a sense of superiority.

They do devalue you.

They do believe that whatever's going on in their head,

They're entitled to treat you the way they want to treat you.

There is a disregard for your essence,

For your humanness,

For your selfhood.

What are you,

Aside from the energy of your spirit,

The energy of your heart?

And so if you're loving a narcissist that is neglectful,

Or you are in a relationship with a neglectful narcissist,

You'll notice that it's very mechanical.

It's very robotic.

We're crossing off the T's.

We're dotting the I's.

The mortgage will get paid.

Your car will get paid.

The cell phone will get paid.

There'll be food in the refrigerator.

But don't expect me to talk to you over dinner when it's just the two of us.

Don't expect me to acknowledge you because you have some dream that you want to chase.

Don't expect me to hold you in the middle of the night when you've had a terrifying dream.

Like,

Get over it.

Knock it off.

Don't expect me to respond when you come to me and with your complaints that we aren't connecting,

And you feel alone in our marriage,

And you want to go to counseling.

Don't expect me to respond to that.

I will demean you.

I will devalue you.

I have no time for that.

Your emotions,

Pa-pa-pa,

They annoy me.

Go away.

Go away.

Get over yourself.

And so these are just some of the signs that you will notice if you are in love with a neglectful narcissist.

Thank you so much for being here.

I hope this has been helpful.

Reviews

Helpful information. Thank you.

Lisa,… I really wish you read your reviews here on Insight Timer because this talk I was able to suddenly realize that at age 68, this is the relationship I have always had with my siblings. my siblings go on and on about how close we are how wonderful that is… And we never talk. We never get together. It’s a relationship only in their mind. they will never ask me how I feel instead they will tell me how I feel. Even after my husband of 35 years died a couple years ago they have never asked me how I feeling. They will tell me how I should be feeling. And they think this is how to be close. How to be compassionate.

And this talk has really helped me see that. I will listen to it again. Great stuff. you have just changed my life… Or at least my perspective and it gives me so much confidence to move forward in this next chapter of my life without my husband. to be aware that my siblings are unable to be there because of their narcissistic traits