Scapegoats Are The Healthy Ones

Are you the family scapegoat? Are you punished for telling the truth in a dysfunctional family? Although it may not feel like it, truthtellers and scapegoats are healthy. It is unhealthy to deny the truth, suppress it, and run from it. On the other hand, truthtellers and scapegoats can't help but see the truth. However, when you are born to emotionally immature parents, narcissistic or alcoholic parents, you might be punished for being a truthteller and become the family scapegoat.

Transcript

Welcome to the breakdown to breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa a Romano.

I am a life coach best-selling author YouTube vlogger meditation teacher and expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse I am a believer in the power of an organized mind My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness Rather than living a reactive life May your heart feel blessed your mind feel expanded and your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the breakdown to breakthrough podcast We're going to be talking about the truth teller and why it's so painful to be the one that tells the truth in a family system So truth tellers are often well,

They often end up being the scapegoat in a family system The scapegoat is the member of the family that carries the wounds of the family or carries the shame of the family What I mean by that is that when you come from a toxic family the core of the family is denial We don't talk about our sister who has a drug addiction or we don't talk about the fact that Mommy's brother is married to a woman who is having an affair with Uncle Jack and uncle Jack is married.

We don't talk about those stuff that stuff We don't talk about the fact that mommy is popping pills and daddy is an alcoholic or that there is an affair Happening in the house.

We don't talk about these things in our family.

It's like hush hush hush We don't talk about when we see people being abusive in the family We're not allowed to talk about that.

So in a toxic family system,

Basically,

The issue is denial,

Right?

It's there It's the elephant in the room,

But the adults in the room don't know how to handle it They don't have the life skills or the coping skills to deal with it to face it head-on They wouldn't know what to do if they did face it.

They sort of like stick their head in the sand and think well If we're not talking about it doesn't really exist how bizarre and how ridiculous that is Now if you're the truth telling the family you see that you know that uncle Mike is off his rocker You know that this affair thing we should be talking about it You know that the drug addiction in the family is not something that we should be ignoring We should be able to talk about this stuff But when you come from this type of a family system,

You're not allowed you will be seen as the problem child You will be seen as the one who is rocking the boat.

This has followed me my entire life It followed me into my first marriage where I was like am I in the twilight zone?

Like this should not be happening like your mother shouldn't be talking about every daughter-in-law the minute she goes off to the bathroom or Your mother shouldn't be pulling me to the side speaking never negatively about the other sister-in-law and trying to drive a wedge between the two of us that shouldn't be happening and When I brought things like this to the attention of my ex I was seen as a problem I was seen as someone who was just negative.

I like to rock the boat and My perception of reality was distorted and because I grew up in a home where my sense of reality was really Annihilated by my family system where I was consistently told that I was crazy that I was a drama queen that I was just looking For attention that the way that I saw things was wrong and so when you come from that childhood experience where you are in a reality is dependent upon what other people say and you really never have a right to form a relationship with your emotions and a relationship a relationship with your perception of reality a Relationship with your perceptions.

You're never allowed to form that relationship When that is your base when that is your subconscious reality You grow up and you have a problem or it's difficult for you to trust what you see And so if you're a truth teller on top of this then you are built to see things you can't unsee them and Now on top of it you have this scapegoat thing happening from childhood where you've been taught to think that you are the problem in the family because you tell the truth and You're the scapegoat.

So rather than us talk about uncle Mike We're talking about how you flunked a test or we're talking about Some little thing that you did like ten years ago that the family can't get over But the idea is that the family is focusing on you because you're not going along with the family system Truth tellers are the strong members of the family Truth tellers are people in society that we need because truth tellers help us become better versions of ourselves If we let them truth tellers change the world they get out there eventually if you hold on to yourself And you don't let a relationship pull you down.

You don't really allow your family to pull you down You don't allow the negative self-talk to pull you down You really honor yourself and you trust yourself and you navigate the world in such a way where you start Navigating towards things that feel right people that feel right Relationships that feel right and you start attracting people into your life that actually can tolerate your truth It's not easy for someone who lives below the veil of consciousness to hang out with the truth teller I've had this situation where I have had to tone myself down I absolutely know that there are some people in my life that I can't tell the truth to Because it would hurt them and they're not ready to hear it and I don't want to throw that relationship under the bus I'd rather just support them where they are and if and when They ever want to talk to me or ask me my opinion then I will offer my opinion But before I really appreciated who I was and I saw myself as someone who could see through the veil before I could really appreciate that then the way that I came off sometimes is kind of Backwards or sideways or upside down?

It was just I would just blip I would just bluntly say what I thought was happening like hey uncle Mike is like all over aunt Susie That's wrong,

Right?

So it was and everybody would just like what what's going on with her like Lisa?

These days I tell the truth to myself.

So now I discern.

Are you awake?

Are you not awake?

Do you want to hear the truth?

You not want to hear the truth?

Will you reject what I'm saying or will you accept what I'm saying?

And so now I have a lot more control over how I tell the truth and how I show up in life My emotions are no longer all over the place Reacting to what uncle Mike is doing what aunt Susie's doing uncle Jack soon what mom's doing what dad's doing my brother's doing It's not it's not happening like that for me anymore It's like I have so much more emotional regulation because I finally realized that not being part of a sick family system or Being the one who says this is a sick family system is actually healthy I remember when I was in therapy and One of the comments that my therapist said like changed my life We were talking about how in my family and even my ex's family.

I felt like I didn't belong I felt like an alien and I would say things like they think I'm crazy.

I feel crazy Like I don't think like them and he said to me.

Well,

Do you like the way they think?

Do you like the way they show up show up in the world?

And I said,

Well,

No not particularly and he said so That's a good thing that they think you're crazy because to them you are crazy You're not thinking like them and it was a bit of a head-scratcher because I was like wait What did he just say like what what this is a good thing that I'm ostracized This is a good thing that they're calling me names This is a good thing that we don't see eye to eye turned out it was But there's this process that we have to go through this grieving process as scapegoats and truth-tellers where we have to really grieve the family that we never had we have to grieve the relationships that our truth-telling is Going to cause to have turmoil in so we have to grieve what we wish we could have But our nature prevents us from having and you don't want to backtrack in other words,

Like you don't want to stuff your feelings and Think that you're wrong and live a life of complete confusion You want to know that what you think is right and you are a truth-teller and you want to know that When you're looking at a family system that can't can't handle the truth.

They don't want your truth It's actually a good thing that you're outside that aquarium because to exist in that aquarium You would have to drink the Kool-Aid you would have to be like them and that's not why you're here as a truth-teller My life changed when I said namaste and I accepted my family didn't want to hear about codependency My parents didn't want to learn about adult children of alcoholic issues They didn't want to understand how their childhood had affected them.

They weren't ready.

They didn't want to go there I think it was because they just didn't want to have to take on the responsibility of knowledge and information You know once you take on this knowledge once you take on this information Once you see yourself as codependent you have a responsibility then to fix it But before you can see a second road You really can't be blamed for being who you are and doing what you do because there's no other path before you So I think in my parents case they just didn't want to know about I don't want to talk about it Then I might actually have to recognize how I treated my daughter or treated my son I have to recognize that I did pick on her.

I did make her the scapegoat I did resent her for telling the truth and they just weren't mature enough to do that.

That's fine because being their daughter Actually caused me to challenge myself and because I was forced to challenge myself.

I know what I'm capable of I know that I can live without them.

I know that I can love myself in spite of them I know that I can love myself and honor myself and know my truth despite what other people say because of all the challenges that I faced a number of smear campaigns that I've dealt with Professionally as well as personally because I went through that fire.

I know what I'm capable of now So the challenge served me I'm stronger than ever.

I'm more resilient than ever.

I don't particularly like challenges I don't particularly like having to go through certain things I don't particularly like when someone rocks my boat because I'm a truth teller I don't particularly enjoy that but every time something like that has happened It's really allowed me the opportunity to grow beyond that limit beyond that comfort zone and to discover what I'm capable of So my life has served me and I hope that your life is serving you and I hope that if you are a truth teller And you end up being the family scapegoat that you like me end up realizing that that's not a bad thing The fact that you can identify what is unhealthy the fact that you can call it out the fact that you know,

What is true means that you're far more Mentally healthier than the person who was actually drinking that Kool-Aid and who refuses to see the truth Because the reality is the truth sets you free Even if it's painful,

Especially when it's painful the truth sets you free me acknowledging my codependency me becoming more emotionally Responsible me taking total responsibility for my happiness and my sadness and me healing the wounds of childhood Even though I didn't create them really helped me become who I am today and That truth the truth that I wasn't always the best mom the truth that I wasn't always the best friend The truth that I had a lot of shadows that needed to be healed and they needed to come to a lot the light I had a lot of shame that I had to work through facing all of that was really difficult but it set me free we come here to learn we come here to grow and Part of that growth is accepting our flawed self accepting our shadow self And if you're a truth teller chances are that you're gonna have a much greater chance at healing and recovery Than someone who lives in denial.

So rock on dear one rock on don't change.

Just be you.

Bye

Reviews

This made so much sense and brought a salve to my soul! Thankyou Lisa!
I AM a truth teller .

I’m on my healing journey . My heart is in pieces as I heal from being the scapegoat in my family.

I've been the scapegoat plenty of times but this time it's most painful. I am cut off from my son and grandchildren. Your talks have been helping me, to feel less alone and understand what's happening for my family.

Thank you 🙏 again 💛

i love how you speak the truth. amen sistah ♥️🕊️🤍♥️🕊️🤍♥️🕊️🤍♥️🕊️🤍

Lisa I always turn to you for answers. 🙏💕✨

You’re telling my story. Thank God for recovery. I look forward to hearing more from you!

I really relate to this & now I understand why I have never felt like I belonged or was accepted in my family. Thank you.

This helped me so much … in the middle of the night with the awfulness of the latest ‘challenge’ spinning round my brain.
Thankyou

Lisa, once again, thank you so much for this episode!! Thank you for putting words and perspective to my feelings. Thank you for this validation and reminder that I am in reality, I am taking responsibility and healing my wounds, I am powerful, and I am free. Thank you so much!!

Thank you for this series on the truth teller! I see how I was and am that person. Definitely not accepted in a huge family that no one wanted to hear or felt was needed. You have given me the wisdom to reinforce my ability to speak up about how I feel and mean it. Mostly to my self. Love this confirmation. We have to act on our power and know we absolutely have every right to do so. Some days it’s baby steps. Healing from codependency is confusing and twisted. However your words bring me back to what’s truth and what’s programming. I am forever grateful for your work Lisa, your struggles and your warrior of self love make it doable for many. This is solid. A rock to come back too and a fountain of living waters. 🙏❤️👍

This has been the most powerful talk yet, Lisa. Discernment. If you acknowledge something, you have a responsibility to react and then you have to own and honor yourself through your choice of how you react. And that can be hard. Which is why sometimes avoidance is easier than conversation. You have inspired a lot of fantastic thought about how we all show up and invest energy. Thank you.

Soooo grateful for u. I’m a truth teller and was the scapegoat. It’s like listening to myself when u talk. Thankful for my healing life shifting work …I wouldn’t want it any other way. It’s a road of alone often but I’m content and happy I live in my truth and joy. Would love to have a truth tellerfriend but until then, I’m this to myself. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Just what I needed to hear today and maybe every day!

This was very much my origin and I feel so grateful to hear this affirmation of my being. I needed the reinforcement to help me keep on telling the truth and not selling out and letting another person beat (emotionally) the truth out of me through their fear of themselves. It feels so bad to not have heard this sooner as I grieve for all those bad choices I made because I was trained to not trust myself. It hurts, but it’s setting me free.

I’m the truth teller in my family!! Better late than never! 💜

Thank you for sharing your wisdom and truth. Your words have helped me grow, move on with love and compassion. I’ve spent a lifetime personally and professionally trying to make others understand how I see things. I don’t need to do this anymore and I feel finally feel the freedom and peace I’ve been seeking, most of the time ✨💛🌙

Truthtellers and the exact narrative I experienced. 🙏