Narcissists Get Worse Not Better: Here's Why

In this episode, learn about why a narcissist gets worse and not better as they age. Whether you are referring to a narcissistic spouse, parent, sibling, or friend, narcissists are those who rely on their looks, sexuality, and strength to control and maintain power over others. As narcissists age, they become angrier and more intolerable. Listen in as Lisa A. Romano breaks down what you need to know to prepare yourself as the narcissist you know begins to grow older.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

So today we're talking about why narcissists get worse as they age.

You would think that when people age,

They soften up.

You would think that as people age and become a little bit more aware of their mortality,

They become aware that they're not going to live forever.

You would think that as people come into this stage of their life where they realize,

Wow,

I'm not getting out of here standing up.

I am not going to win at the game of life.

I'm going to die just like everyone else.

You would think that most people as they enter this stage of their life,

They begin to soften up.

Well,

Not true when it comes to someone who is narcissistic.

Usually narcissists can become worse,

And it becomes worse for a number of reasons.

So the number one reason I think that narcissists get worse as they get older is because they have a tremendous problem with appearing vulnerable.

They have a tremendous problem with appearing as if they need you.

Remember that when narcissists are younger,

Even though they're very,

Very needy,

They need sources of narcissistic supply.

They need someone that they can batter mentally and emotionally and put down and manipulate and use this person as a source of narcissistic supply,

Whether that narcissist is gaining praise from that person or the narcissist is taking energy from that person by putting them down,

By criticizing them,

By turning the tables on them in conversations,

By making them feel guilty,

By constantly reminding their source of narcissistic supply with what's wrong with them,

Creating a situation in which the person that is their source of narcissistic supply is now in a trauma bonded situation.

In other words,

You are the person that is taking the most advantage of me,

But you are the person that I need most in the world,

And you are the only person that can save me.

That's essentially what a trauma bond is.

When this person is younger,

When the narcissist is younger,

They have so much going for them,

Like the way that they look or their age or the people that they know or money.

They have so many things going for them.

But as a narcissist begins to age and they start to sense their vulnerability,

They hate that because that in their head is a sign of weakness.

Other people throughout their life that appeared vulnerable,

The narcissist resented because they appeared needy.

To a narcissist,

Someone who is needy,

They are weak.

I think it's because narcissists hate the idea that they need anyone.

They don't want anyone to ever think that they need them.

They want to appear superior.

They want to appear grandiose.

This idea that anyone in society would ever see them as having a need would really blow the mask.

In other words,

The whole idea of a narcissist is that they live in this delusional state of mind where they are smarter,

That they are wiser,

They're more spiritual,

They're more intelligent.

Their wounds matter more than anybody else's wounds.

It's this idea of grandiosity.

Whatever you got,

They got it worse.

Whatever you got,

They got more of.

You can never trump a narcissist.

In their head,

They have this grandiosity going on.

They are superior in that sense in their head.

Them appearing to have a need or them thinking that you think that they have a need completely just combobulates them because the fantasy in their head is,

No,

No,

No,

I don't have any needs.

You can't think that I have a need.

If you think that I have a need,

Then you might think that I'm not above you and I can't handle that.

You have to think that I don't have needs so that I can think that I am above you and I can be guaranteed that you think that I'm above you.

It's really a sick game that happens in a narcissist's mind.

If you study a narcissist,

Then you can predict their behavior.

You can understand why they think what they think,

And you can avoid a lot of trauma in your life.

When you're in a relationship with a narcissist,

Not so much.

It's why I liken being in a relationship with a narcissist like being in the middle of a tornado.

When you're in the middle of a tornado,

You're not quite sure what's going on.

Everything's spinning,

And you're constantly trying to figure out how to stand upright and not to be succumbed by the power of this tornado.

You only know it's a tornado once you get kicked out of the tornado.

Once you get kicked out of the tornado,

Then you can go,

Oh,

Wow,

That's a tornado.

The further you get away from that tornado,

The further distance you put between you and the narcissist,

The narcissistic family member,

Just the narcissist in general,

The more distance you put between you and the narcissist,

The greater perspective you gain.

So now as you move away from the tornado,

You're able to say,

Wow,

That's a tornado.

Now I know why I was so topsy-turvy.

Now I know why I felt so upside down.

Now I know why I felt so stressed and I felt so distressed.

It's because I was in the middle of a tornado.

When you get kicked out of a relationship with a narcissist and you gain that perspective,

You can predict that this narcissist is going to struggle tremendously as they age more than a healthy person.

For instance,

As we age,

We start to lose our beauty.

It's just a natural part of the aging process.

It's no different than looking at a tree in all its glory and then watching the same tree age.

It starts to lose its color.

It starts to lose its vibrancy.

Its limbs get brittle.

The same thing happens with people.

Now a well-adjusted person kind of accepts,

Doesn't mean they like it,

But they kind of accept that losing their beauty and losing their muscular stature is all kind of part of the natural aging process.

But a narcissist is somebody who will attach to their beauty,

Attach to their stature,

And be very distressed when they start to lose those things as a natural consequence of the aging process.

They have lived their life comparing themselves to other people and finding ways to trump other people,

At least in their head.

So if you're a female narcissist and a beautiful woman begins to work in your office,

You in your head will find ways to make her less than you.

Maybe you'll go into her childhood or maybe say,

Oh,

Well,

She's divorced.

She's got two kids.

Who's going to want her?

You find ways to balance the score in your mind when you feel threatened by another woman's beauty.

Same thing with men.

Men do the same thing.

So if men feel threatened by another man for whatever reason,

He's got more money or he's got a beautiful girlfriend,

Whatever it is,

In a narcissist's head,

He'll find a way to chop that guy down to size,

Even in his head,

Sometimes to other people,

Lots of times to other people,

Talk poorly about him,

Create a story about him,

Make it difficult for him to exist in the workplace,

Start a smear campaign.

He will find ways to triangulate and minimize this man because in his head,

This man is a threat.

Even if the man doesn't even see the narcissist,

The narcissist isn't even on his radar.

The narcissist is the one who feels threatened by other people.

In their mind,

They will find ways to chop that other person down so that in their head,

They remain on top.

So it's this sense of grandiosity that really plagues their personality and plagues the way that they think.

So in their head,

They're constantly making sure that they think,

They're making sure that they're finding ways to remain better than,

In their head,

Than other people.

Oftentimes,

This involves other people where they are pulling you into their drama.

They're putting person B down in the hopes that you continue to think the narcissist is the person that needs to be adored.

And so they're finding ways to cause you,

They're throwing shade at the other person to remain in control of what you think about them and to control what you think about that other person.

So as a narcissist begins to age,

They are becoming very aware that they are not as strong cognitively,

They are not as strong physically,

They are not as beautiful.

So these physical attributes or these characteristics that were like three legs to a stool,

If you would imagine,

That propped up the narcissist's personality,

They're weakening.

And the narcissist can sense that.

And so a narcissist,

If you think about it,

Is completely ego-based,

And ego is built for survival.

So ego doesn't want to die.

So accepting that we're going to transition,

We're going to leave planet earth,

We're going to leave the body behind,

Body and ego are one as far as I'm concerned,

That's a really scary thing for the ego.

So there's a lot of reactivity with the ego when you're a narcissist.

It's not easy to accept that you can't rely on being the most beautiful woman in the room or the most seductive woman in the room anymore.

And you'll really see it in women as they age and men as they age,

If they're highly narcissistic,

The extreme things that they do to hold onto their youth,

Where in some cases they'll distort their bodies or they'll distort their faces.

And they'll go through these extreme actions to hold onto this earlier time in their life where they attach so much power to it.

So when you're thinking about an aging narcissist,

If you have an aging narcissistic parent,

Sorry,

Dear ones,

But it's probably going to get a whole lot worse because narcissists don't like feeling weak.

They don't like feeling vulnerable.

And as people age,

It's normal that they become more needy.

And in a healthy parent,

Not that you like it,

But you accept that you're just not as healthy as you used to be.

But when your parent is highly narcissistic,

They become angry and enraged sometimes because they're aging.

So it's not uncommon for a narcissistic parent to get more hostile,

More aggressive because they are feeling that loss.

They're feeling like they're not in control the same way that they used to be.

So if you have a narcissistic parent and this parent is aging,

This is very much why they become so aggressive as they age.

It's tied to appearing weak.

It's tied to being vulnerable because of aging.

And this is something that they have worked their whole life against,

Never wanting to appear vulnerable,

Never wanting to appear weak because their entire life has been about staying on top.

So I hope this has been helpful.

I hope it answers your questions and I hope it makes you aware of what might happen next in your life if you have an aging narcissistic parent.

Reviews

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Great information. Thank you, Lisa.🙏💖🙏

So true in my experience with my mother who died a month short of being 93.

Lisa, you have no idea how much this talk really validated and further explained my experiences dealing with my aging grandmother. I’m not a clinician or one who can officially diagnose anybody, but she most definitely meets all of the diagnostic criteria for NPD. I can’t tell you how infuriating and invalidating it was to grow up with/be raised by this woman who was never diagnosed or treated for her condition - to have decades of abuse from (and through) her enabled and swept under the rug by family, friends, the church, and the community at large - only to be a caregiver for her in her 90s and have people try to attribute her worsening narcissistic behavior to strokes and Dementia (she’s been screened for the latter and doesn’t have any form of the condition - she’s sharp as a tack, and incredibly volatile). I’m no longer involved with anyone on that side of my family tree (it’s an unfortunate cesspool of untreated mental illness and behavioral issues) and have actively committed myself to healing and understanding what I experienced, and why. You’re an inspiration (I’m working towards becoming a Life Coach, Trauma Counselor, or something of the like as well). I greatly appreciate your insight and wisdom, thank you for all you do. Take care. :)

Thank you,Lisa. Always interesting and so accurate.

I had a Narcissistic grandfather that lived to be 96. And his poor three daughters were pretty much waiting for him to die, and he threw a giant hissy fit during the last couple years before his death. the one nice thing he did for his entire nine grandchildren and three daughters was bring us all together for his funeral. Anyways, this message is spot on, thank you so much, Lisa for your work.

Fascinating, very helpful thank you so much

Wow! This totally describes my 91 year old mother, the past 2 years, that I have now gone no contact with. At least this validates what has happened. Thank you.

This was very informative on the aging narcissist. I got yet another insight into why my narcissistic parent reacted in the way they did. Thanks 🙏🏻 Lisa💐🤍