Narcissists Can Dish It, But They Can't Take It

Sometimes it can be difficult to understand why our relationships with certain types of people are so frustrating, confusing, and exhausting. Narcissistic personalities have a tremendously difficult time relating to others due to their hypersensitive nature. Because they fear criticism, they live on the defense and are easily triggered by the most innocuous gestures and comments. A narcissist can critique you, offend you, verbally harass you, and accuse you of things you are NOT guilty of.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about narcissists and the improper way that they deal with criticism.

So we're talking about narcissism today and criticism.

Now I think it's important to first begin this session around this idea that no one likes to be criticized and that all humans would prefer in most cases to feel like others like them,

To feel like they belonged,

And to feel like other people thought that they were okay.

It is not fun to be criticized.

It's not fun to be humiliated.

And it's certainly not fun to feel like you don't belong.

However,

When we're talking about narcissism and specifically criticism,

We're talking about extremes.

So while it's not nice to hear that so-and-so said something about your car or so-and-so said something about the report that you handed in to your manager,

When we're talking about a narcissist,

We're talking about someone who could be enraged and could be very difficult to manage when they feel slighted.

Why would a narcissist compared to someone else react so poorly to criticism?

It all has to do with pain.

And it comes down to a narcissist believing and having an inflated sense of self,

A grandiose sense of importance,

This idea that they are better than.

And it's so complicated because at the same time,

They feel like they're better than everyone else,

They want everyone else to project this idea that they are grander than everyone else also.

So they have a fantasy going on in their head that is not real.

They're often delusional.

And they're telling themselves that they are so much better than they actually are.

And they're trying very hard to get other people to affirm them and to agree with them.

So this helps regulate them,

Right?

So if I have this idea that I'm better than I actually am,

And I need to hold on to this concept in order to feel emotionally regulated and okay,

Then I need the people in my life to project that towards me too.

Otherwise it doesn't fit.

And so when a narcissist is in society and bumps up against someone who doesn't affirm them,

Then the storyline is not fitting anymore.

It's almost like suddenly the shell that they're in has just gotten really,

Really tight and they get agitated.

They need you to project back to them their false self,

Their grandiose self.

They're the most beautiful,

They're the most sexy,

They're the most funny.

They're the most- A narcissist needs to believe that you see them as everything,

The smartest,

The most intelligent,

The most capable,

The most rich.

We have communal narcissists that will go take care of sick children or puppies and it's all over social media.

And it's for the sake of social media,

It's not for the sick puppies and the starving children.

It's really important that we understand that there is this fantasy image or this fantasy story going on inside the mind and the body of a narcissist.

And this story is helping to prevent them from feeling their worst fears,

Which is shame,

Humiliation and vulnerability.

They don't want to feel that.

And so to keep those feelings away,

There's the storyline that I'm this great person.

And now to keep this storyline going,

They need actors in the play to play this story out.

They develop these skills,

These traits of love bombing,

Pulling you in.

And then in time you'll start to be devalued and then they'll call you up in the middle of the night and they'll accuse you of cheating on them.

You haven't,

Or they'll accuse you of doing something that you haven't done.

And this is to make you feel bad and to make you think,

Oh my God,

This amazing person,

They can't trust me.

That's awful.

And you grovel and you subjugate yourself to keep the narcissist or the person who has high narcissistic traits balanced.

And now they're up and you're down.

So you are groveling trying to gain their validation back and their approval back because you're so devastated that this person is accusing you of things that you're not guilty of.

And if you go along long enough with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

They may discard you for someone else or you get locked into this trauma bond situation and this can go on for decades.

So according to the Mayo Clinic,

I thought this was really interesting.

You'll find the symptoms of narcissism,

But I wanted to highlight the traits of narcissism that are specific to criticism because if you are having a hard time identifying someone in your life who has high narcissistic traits,

This can be very,

Very helpful.

Someone who reacts very poorly to the slightest of your comments,

They ask you,

Do you like what I'm wearing?

And you tell them,

That's not the best color for you and there's an extreme response.

Or someone says,

Do you like the pasta sauce that I made?

And you say,

You know,

It's just a little bit too salty for my taste.

And there's an extreme response.

So a narcissist or someone with high narcissistic traits is not looking for an honest answer.

They're looking for an answer that's going to help them maintain their sense of grandiosity and superiority and this hierarchy over you that you need them and that you think they're the most brilliant person you've ever met.

And so when they ask you a question,

It really is a double bind situation.

You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

So the first trait that you'll notice as it relates to criticism is that the narcissist will act angry or impatient when they don't receive special treatment.

So this is somebody who walks into a restaurant and just expects the maitre d to like give them the best seat in the restaurant just because they're who they are.

They deserve preferential treatment.

This is someone who gets angry when the world doesn't stop because they have a request.

This is somebody who,

When they ask you a question that has a 50% chance of being no,

Is irate because you said no.

If you want to know who has high narcissistic traits in your group of friends or who is highly narcissistic in your family,

Tell them no.

Don't give them what they want and then see what happens.

If they're more passive aggressive,

Then you'll see that they're annoyed by the way that they treat you.

They might not be vindictive in the moment.

They might not lash out in the moment,

But you'll hear about it.

There'll be some covert passive aggressive comment that comes down the pike or they'll start treating you cold in a way.

This is a sign that you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits when we're dealing with the word no.

Another sign to look out for is that someone with highly high narcissistic traits is very reactive to the slightest hint of being slighted.

So this is someone,

Remember a narcissist or baseline distrustful.

They'll do a really good,

Good,

Good job,

A great job the first six months,

A year,

Year and a half of a relationship convincing you that they're trusting and that they trust you.

But in time you'll start to hear these little hints of paranoia or distrust.

And if you're not careful,

You'll end up being a little puppy dog trying to convince this person that you didn't do anything wrong or that you really,

Really do love them.

And so the slightest hint that a narcissist is being slighted,

There's usually a very,

Very strong reaction.

You send the narcissist a text and you mean nothing by it,

But the narcissist interprets this text as something it is not and their reaction is extreme.

And you're trying to figure out like,

What did I say?

What did I do?

And you're being accused of things that you are not guilty of.

We have to learn to like hit the pause button and see these extreme reactions and behavior as the problem and not allow our amygdala or our CPTSD to get triggered by people who are nonsensical.

When we're dealing with people with extreme reactions,

It's important that we recognize that as a toxic behavior and to peel back a little bit so that we don't get triggered and we don't end up subjugating ourselves to these types of situations.

Because once that happens,

You are in a trauma bonded situation,

It just gets worse over time and a narcissist's agenda is to beat you down mentally and emotionally and physically,

Often financially,

Even spiritually,

Psychologically to the point where they have complete control over you and your brain turns to mashed potatoes.

Another sign that you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits is this idea that they need to belittle other people to make themselves feel better or they have contempt for another person because they've heard the word no or because they have felt slighted.

Healthy people don't do this.

Healthy people don't need to put other people down to feel good about themselves.

Another sign that you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits is that they experience major problems with dealing with stress and adapting to change.

Again,

When we're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

Remember this is someone who is really fractured and someone who is really relying on a mask to get through a day and who needs other people to play along.

One of the things that I've heard clients say over the years is that right before a party,

My husband,

My narcissistic husband went into a rage.

It was like getting around people and going to a holiday party or going to a dinner,

Especially around people he didn't know,

Set him off.

So he was cruel,

He was belittling to the children and to me,

But once we got to the party,

He was the belle of the ball.

That's not uncommon.

So think about when things are changing,

Are you noticing a pattern behavior,

Really,

Really poor behavior in the person that you're questioning around stress and around change because that's a sign.

Another sign is that you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits is that they can become really depressed and moody because they had a shortcoming or they fell short of perfection.

So remember what's making the narcissist feel good and regulated is that in their mind,

They're the best.

They're the most intelligent.

They are the authority in everything.

Now something happens in their environment where someone else comes along and they have to share the spotlight or their paper doesn't get recognized in a major journal or someone comes along and wins the trophy.

So they're not numero uno anymore.

This is very destabilizing to someone who has high narcissistic traits.

So you'll see an absolute drop in their mood in this type of a situation.

So watch out for that.

The last sign is that you will notice that this person really reacts partially any time they feel like they possibly were humiliated because at their core,

Narcissists are hiding secret fears of humiliation,

Shame.

They don't want to be humiliated.

It's a worse thing.

Nobody wants to be humiliated,

But when a narcissist feels humiliated,

There's going to be an extreme response.

Narcissists have a secret fear of shame,

Vulnerability,

Feeling humiliated,

And feeling insecure.

When you're dealing with someone and you're trying to figure this out,

You will see extreme responses to their own insecurity.

They're wanting to act like they're not insecure when you know you've spent enough time with this person to know that they're insecure.

So this is someone who is dealing with feelings of inferiority and then walks into a party acting all big and tough,

Right?

Questioning this guy and who does she think she is?

Who does he think he is?

He thinks he's a tough guy.

She thinks she's the most beautiful girl in the world,

Right?

All of this rationalization for covering up their insecurity because a narcissist is comparing themselves to other people all the time and to keep the checks and balances okay in their head they have to put other people down so that they end up feeling better about themselves.

So they'll judge the way someone dresses.

They'll judge their shoes.

They're judging themselves as well and they're hoping that you are drinking the Kool-Aid,

That you see what they see.

Now most of us can only play the game for so long before we're just like,

This is exhausting.

So these types of traits will show up in relationships.

They'll show up as problems at work or school.

They'll show up as depression.

They'll show up as anxiety.

They can manifest as physical health problems.

They can manifest as drug or alcohol misuse.

So narcissists in this situation need treatment and unfortunately what we know about narcissism is most of them don't seek treatment for these personality traits or the core narcissistic injury and instead they might reach out for help because of these other issues.

If you are involved with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

The best that you can do is recognize what you're dealing with and in my humble opinion,

If this person isn't going to get treatment for any of these other issues and these difficulties in their life,

Then the best thing that you can do is begin considering an exit strategy plan for you to back out of this relationship because narcissists don't see you as you are.

You don't matter to a narcissist,

Not really.

Your feelings don't matter.

You are literally there to make the narcissist feel better and in some cases,

The only way a narcissist can feel better is if you feel worse.

It beating you down mentally,

Emotionally,

Psychologically makes them feel better.

This is where they get their power from.

They need to feel dominant in a relationship.

So if you're dealing with this,

Be clear about it and know that you can't change this.

You can't love a narcissist enough to change what's going on in their mind,

In their heart and in their body.

I hope this has been helpful and I hope that this has helped clarify some issues for you and given you a little bit more food for thought when you're trying to figure out what's going on in your life as it relates to criticism,

As it relates to telling a narcissist no,

As it relates to everyday ups and downs,

Everyday stressors and the inability that a narcissist has to regulate their emotions and even their behavior,

Even in everyday life experiences.

Namaste everybody.

Until next time.

Bye for now.

Reviews

Great. Thank you

Extremely insightful with excellent advice 🙏🏼

Very accurate and helpful

This sheds so much light! I can see some of the traits in myself and in my prior partner. I’m healing from this and sending healing to her and everyone that has dealt with this. Thank you for another insightful talk on how we can be better ✨💙🙏🏽

I had the texting thing happen to me with a narcissist- they kept twisting my words and they kept using the phrase, toxic texting- crazy. The more I learn the faster I recognize these traits- thank you ✨🙏✨