Daughters Of Narcissistic Fathers

Are you the adult daughter of a narcissistic father? If so, you may have attracted a narcissist or two in your life. In this episode, Lisa will help you understand why this happens, and you might be surprised it's not your fault. The relationship blueprint we use to attract partners is the emotional, mental, and vibrational blueprint we adopted in childhood by observing, loving, and interacting with our parents.

As Lisa says, Dear One, it's not your fault. However, the only way to break these cycles is to understand them first.

Transcript

Welcome to the breakdown to breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the breakdown to breakthrough podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about why so many adult daughters of narcissistic fathers end up marrying narcissists in the future.

So growing up being the adult child of a narcissistic parent is hell.

And we live in a society where oftentimes it's taboo to talk about family dynamics.

It's like we should be ashamed of telling our truth.

And that's part of our problem anyway,

Because as children of narcissistic parents,

We weren't allowed to speak our truth.

We were conditioned and programmed to live outside of ourselves.

When you have a narcissistic father,

For instance,

And you are a daughter,

Then you are seeking the approval of someone that is domineering,

Someone who is exploitative,

Someone who doesn't really have empathy for you or maybe your mom or your siblings,

Someone who feels entitled to exploit other people,

Somebody who is vain,

Someone who can be very charismatic.

So you'll be confused because dad will be able to be humorous in front of the neighbors.

But when everyone's gone,

Maybe his mood will change.

A narcissistic father will condition their children to think that it is their responsibility to make the dad feel good about himself.

What you do in your life is going to be very important to your dad.

If you're a cheerleader,

You have to be the top cheerleader.

If you're a football player,

You have to be the top football player.

In terms of your looks,

Narcissistic fathers are very attuned and very concerned about the way that you look and the way that you appear to society.

If you are a young woman and throughout the years you put on a little weight,

Don't be surprised if your father knew exactly how much weight you put on.

I was shocked one day when my father said,

So how much weight did you gain?

About four pounds?

And I was like,

Oh my Lord,

He was right on it.

My father knew exactly what I weighed.

I don't know how he did it,

But he was very much preoccupied with the way that I look,

The way that my sister looked and the way that my mom looked,

Which below the veil of consciousness infused me with a fear that I need to be concerned about the way that I look and specifically my weight,

Which absolutely led to the eating disorder that I suffered as a adolescent and into college.

And I don't think my father ever realized the consequences of the comments that he made,

Nor do I think if he knew he would take accountability for it,

Which leads me to my next point.

A narcissistic father is not someone that you are going to be able to have an honest,

Compassionate,

Compelling,

Mutual conversation regarding how his actions have affected you.

When you're dealing with a narcissistic father,

They are very highly sensitive to criticism,

Especially guilt.

If you dare to suggest that your father said something or did something that affected you,

Then this idea of guilt,

Which is really guilt means that you've done something that's gone against your moral code.

And when we're super healthy,

If we are presented with information that brings to our awareness,

This idea that what we've said has hurt someone else,

Then if we're super healthy,

We recognize that we didn't want to hurt that person and we're sorry that our words offended them.

And we're willing to make amends for it.

As long as this person isn't a covert narcissist and who is consistently trying to make us responsible for their feelings,

That's a different story.

But if we're in a decent relationship and our friend comes to us and says,

Hey,

You know,

Lisa,

When you said this,

I felt offended by it.

Upon reflection,

I have to consider how my words affected this person.

The healthier I am,

The more I will be able to integrate that.

When you are highly narcissistic,

You can't integrate your shadow.

You can't integrate the parts of you that aren't so pretty.

You can't integrate the parts of you that aren't so likable.

When you're a narcissist,

You reject all of these aspects of yourself and you project them onto other people.

So when you try to present to your father,

This idea that something that he said or something that he did was offensive to you,

You have to be prepared for him to obliterate your reality.

Your father will tell you that you're crazy.

Your father will tell you that you're wrong.

My father threatened to cut me out of the will.

Like I'm not kidding.

It gets that ridiculous.

When you're raised by this type of an energy,

What we don't realize is happening,

Dear ones,

Is that on a cellular level,

Our beingness,

Every cell in our being is resonating with this experience.

In other words,

Like this relationship is becomes a blueprint for my future relationships.

If I'm a heterosexual female and I'm attracted to men,

Obviously as a heterosexual,

And I have this relationship dynamic set up with my father in which he's narcissistic,

I feel less than,

I don't feel good enough,

And I love this person,

This person becomes my other.

This person becomes the other focus.

This person becomes the person that I need to be good enough for.

And in that is the self abandonment process.

In that also is the fear of abandonment,

The fear of rejection,

The fear of not being good enough.

And this will mess with our psyche,

But it is literally a vibrational resonance.

Now,

This is the spooky part where I think that many of us don't really realize is happening.

So below the veil of consciousness,

We don't realize that we are more vibrational than we are anything.

And what I mean by that is that every cell in our being is mostly space.

And this space is filled with energetic stuff.

And so when we are about in our world and we feel ourselves as 3D human beings,

We're forgetting that we're more vibrational than anything.

And when we meet someone who is in resonance with an experience that was very early for us,

Very primitive for us,

Very young for us,

It was a relationship experience that was mixed with this idea of love.

And so this relationship becomes the blueprint for your future adult relationships.

And this is why so many of my clients who are codependent women,

Who finally figured out that their symptoms imply that they're codependent.

And when we start to do the work and we start to go backwards and we start to understand their frequency,

When we start to understand their mindset,

Their belief systems,

Their early childhood interactions with their father figure,

And we realize that they have now attracted a narcissist into their life and they're stuck in a marriage with two or three kids and they're afraid to open their mouth.

They're afraid to set boundaries.

They're walking around on eggshells.

They're separated living in a different part of the house,

But they still haven't made that break.

And they want to know why,

Why did I get here?

How did I get here?

And we start to go back.

And I explained to them that this felt normal to you.

As a matter of fact,

This felt like attraction to you because it was,

Because what we resonate with our brains believe is an attraction.

Like attracts like.

People say,

Well,

I'm codependent.

How do I attract a narcissist?

Well,

A codependent and a narcissist exist on the same spectrum.

If a narcissist and a codependent in the matrix,

If you figure that,

If you think about them living in an energetic frequency,

Many of their childhood experiences are similar.

A codependent survived by doing for others and a narcissist survives by taking from others,

But they're both very shame-based and they're both very stuck and they both suffered childhood trauma.

The good news is that a codependent can heal because a codependent can look at the self,

Can understand what went wrong and can tuck it in.

A daughter of a narcissistic father is going to feel attracted to this man who is a narcissist in her adult life.

She is going to set the relationship up where this man is above her and she is below him.

So when she meets him,

She might feel like,

Wow,

This is amazing.

He's so charismatic.

He's so in control of himself.

And you might feel very,

Very secure in that relationship when you first start that relationship and all of your childhood patterns come to the surface.

All of the people pleasing,

All of the smiling on cue,

All of the,

How do I make him happy?

What do I need to do in bed to make him happy?

What do I need to fix him for dinner to make him happy?

What clothes do I need to buy to make him happy?

You are your inner child.

You are this little girl seeking the approval of your father and you don't even realize it.

But 10 years in,

Well,

Hopefully sooner,

But it took me about 10 or 11 years,

But 10,

11 years in a couple of kids later and you're done.

You're tired of this dynamic and you want out.

And so daughters of narcissistic fathers will be attracted to narcissistic men because they trigger all of our childhood issues and our desire to be loved by this man with this energy.

And that just doesn't go away.

Adult daughters of narcissistic fathers are forever feeling this empty hole,

This need to be good enough for this man.

And what we have to realize is that that hole is not our fault.

That feeling not good enough is not our fault.

And when we begin to do the inner work necessary to heal ourselves and when we develop self-compassion,

When we realize that our programming,

Our minds have been affected by observation and consistency and repetition over time throughout our childhood,

Being treated the same way repetitiously over and over and over,

Consistently being abandoned,

Consistently being mocked,

Consistently being rejected and our little hearts continually throwing ourselves against the wall,

Trying to seek approval,

Trying to be good enough.

Once we uncover this dynamic and you have to recognize,

Dear one,

Please,

That this is just not an emotional issue.

It's a spiritual issue.

It's a physical issue.

It's an emotional issue.

It's a vibrational issue.

It's a cellular issue.

This trauma is in yourselves.

This trauma is now resonating at a particular frequency and that's what we have to heal.

And when you do the work and you do the work efficiently,

You're able to access the emotional blocks that keep you stuck and you're able to heal yourself.

You're able to uncover the belief systems that keep you stuck.

And then and only then can you offer yourself the compassion that you need to heal the beliefs that keep you stuck.

This will manifest as codependency.

This will manifest as a need to please.

This will manifest as a need to be needed.

Many codependents don't realize that they have anxiety and they control their anxiety by trying to control how other people see them.

You see,

When you're a wounded inner child and you haven't gotten the love and the validation that you needed from your parents,

That creates a certain insecurity.

It creates a certain vulnerability.

It creates guilt and it creates shame.

And this is a very low consciousness state.

This is the state of despair where you feel like you're not worthy and it's not a healthy emotional state to be in and it's a very low state of consciousness.

And the goal is to incrementally shift your state of consciousness so that you can get to a state where you can love yourself,

Which is a beautiful state of consciousness.

But this takes practice,

This takes patience,

And this takes time.

When you grow up and you feel abandoned,

When you learn that you need to shut yourself down and disown yourself and detach from your divine self in order to keep the peace,

In order to have some sort of an attachment to your parents,

You disconnect from your authentic self and you operate in the world in such a way to try to figure out what other people need.

And that's exactly what a narcissist is.

A narcissist is someone who takes from someone who needs to be needed.

A narcissist is someone who needs to be the center of your world.

And when you are the adult child of a narcissistic father,

Specifically we're talking about daughters today,

When you are the adult daughter of a narcissistic father,

Then you have this hole in your heart and you want to please this other person because below the veil of consciousness you think that's the answer.

And when you're dealing with someone who is highly narcissistic in a romantic relationship,

They need to dominate you.

You are not a person,

You are property.

You are there to fulfill their needs.

You are a source of narcissistic supply.

And after a certain amount of years,

You're going to get sick of that.

You know,

Sex is going to be very underwhelming and you're going to feel like you are just this thing.

You're just there for this act.

And that's how a narcissist views it.

You are there to please them.

So you will be criticized.

The way that you speak will be criticized.

The way that you act in bed will be criticized.

The way that you chew your food will be criticized.

Like you're not a 3D being.

And you will eventually,

If you're lucky,

You will eventually be so sick of this dynamic that one day you will say enough and you will look for help and you will begin the process of ending this relationship to a narcissistic person.

Please know that there's help and please know that there is no quick fix,

That the best thing that you can do is educate yourself on narcissism.

Get yourself inside a support group.

Find someone who can help you heal the wounds that keep you stuck,

Heal the wounds of codependency and abandonment,

Heal the wounds that are caused by a narcissistic father.

And generally what we will deal with is this haunting feeling of not being good enough and how that affects our identity.

We don't feel like we are worthy of speaking up and so we don't.

And when we backtrack and we understand how this has affected us and we find the tools,

The guides and the mentors to help us out,

Then we are no longer resonating with old frequencies and then and only then can we create the life we truly deserve and desire.

Namaste dear ones,

Until next time.

And please know that despite a painful past,

You dear one,

Were born enough.

Until next time.

Bye for now.

Reviews

It's a tangled Web of craziness with Narcissistis. But luckily there are good people that can help guide the way.
3 years no contact and I am still untangling those invisible toxic threads that are like yucky gum on the bottom of my shoes I've tread on...
But here I am, Alive! Not like my Narcissistic ex's 2 wives before me who are dead. My counsellor told me I dodged a bullet.
I didn't believe her at the time, but now I do. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AWAY FROM NARCISSISTS.

Namaste 🙏 🌻
Lisa ❤️

What a great perspective on why we dont ever feel good enough!

💯💯💯

Thank you for providing this information and knowledge about narcissistic dad’s
🦋💫

Outstanding!!! Your support years ago helped me heal and I just found this on here and am so excited to hear your soothing voice again. Thank you 🙏🏽

An enlightening talk. Many thanks for the support you offer. Hugs! 🤍

My dad and husband really were similar. It was like there was something missing from their personality. And I hoped and hoped. But now my eyes are open. Your programs are like a big hug. Thank you

Great info. Best online healingwork that changed my life ..narcissistic abuse recovery program with MelanieTonia Evans . Life changing. See her on YouTube and IG

Very helpful and clear! Thank you!

Such clarity in this talk. Thank you for your insight and experience, Lisa. Passing along to my sister ❤️