Big Signs You're Dealing With A Narcissist

In a world that is becoming more aware of the importance of self accountability, it is essential we all become more observant and discerning of ourselves, others and our relationships. When you don't know you're dealing with a narcissist, your relationships become toxic soups you have no idea you're drinking. Lisa A. Romano helps you understand what signs to look out for.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

We're going to be talking about some of the big signs that you're dealing with a narcissist.

So when we're talking about somebody who has high narcissistic traits,

There are definitely things that we want to look out for.

They're not always easy to spot,

So we're going to talk about some of the easiest things to look out for when dealing with a narcissist.

When we're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

You're going to be dealing with someone who has an overinflated ego.

This is somebody who prefers to throw other people's names around.

This is someone who prefers to be seen with people who can offer them a certain level of prestige,

So they name drop.

They're very impressed with the way that they look,

And they're very impressed with the way other people look.

They could be very critical of other people.

So they'll compare themselves a lot to other people,

And their goal is to make sure that they look better,

That they appear smarter,

And that other people admire them more than they admire other people.

She'll be someone who wants to be praised.

She'll be the friend at the party that wants every man to fawn all over her.

She'll be very preoccupied with the way that she looks,

So her superficial looks are going to be very,

Very important to her.

She's going to have this overinflated ego that is going to need to be praised.

So this is someone who has a very difficult time doing things for people just for the sake of doing them,

Left them out.

This is someone who's going to demand that they stay the center of your life and the center of your conversation.

Everyone's supposed to center around what this person needs,

What this person thinks,

What this person feels.

So there's this big overinflated ego that needs to be fanned,

And you'll know it when you're with this person because not having an opinion,

There's nothing wrong with having an opinion,

But when you don't allow for other people's opinion,

Or if you need to put other people down so that your opinion seems more important or more valid than someone,

Then we have an issue.

Another thing that you're going to be looking for is the inability to say,

I'm sorry.

And so after people get loud or after people get really,

Really emotional and reactive,

After they've calmed down and they're not triggered anymore,

It's healthy to say,

Look,

I'm sorry.

I overreacted.

I know that you didn't mean to hurt me.

This is my thing,

But it did hurt.

I want to tell you how I feel,

And I'm sorry that I overreacted.

When you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

They'll absolutely be firm in the idea that it was all your fault that they reacted that way.

I've coached women who have been on the receiving end of terrific abuse,

And their spouses have said to their wives,

It was your fault that I said that to you.

It was your fault that I did that to you.

It's your fault that I cheated on you.

It's your fault that I don't give you money at the end of the week.

It's your fault that you experienced everything that you experienced.

It's semi-rage.

It's all your fault.

So when you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

This is a huge red flag that you're dealing with somebody who is on the spectrum.

So you notice that they're abusive to their children and their children are crying,

But their children are the ones that are supposed to say they're sorry,

Or they discard people really easily and they won't talk to the person unless the person says they're sorry.

It's really obvious to you that this person has been over the top abusive and they have an inability to say,

I'm sorry.

They're aloof,

They disregard people,

And they feel entitled to exploit people emotionally.

Here's another big sign that I think a lot of us miss,

And there's a big difference between having this cognitive empathy and actual emotional empathy.

So intellectually,

I can know that maybe what I said to you was inappropriate and wrong,

And intellectually,

I have empathy for you.

I know how you might be feeling,

But I don't actually have the emotional somatic,

If you will,

Physical experience of,

Oh my goodness,

What have I done?

I may actually feel bad that I've behaved this way,

But I've yet to have that feeling of how you feel.

So healthy people have the experience,

The emotional experience of what someone else's experience.

This allows us to not abuse one another.

So this allows me to know that if I say a certain thing to my child,

My child is going to feel this way,

And I can feel what my child might feel,

And that prevents me from saying this thing that might hurt my child.

And so I have this actual physical response to,

Oh,

What this person might feel.

With a narcissist,

A narcissist might have intellectual empathy,

Like,

Yeah,

I know that when I said that to my girlfriend,

I know that that probably hurt her.

But the emotional,

The actual,

Oh,

Wow,

What does that feel like?

I don't want to do that to someone.

They don't have that.

So that can be really confusing because you can talk to somebody who says,

Oh,

Yeah,

I know that that probably hurt you,

But they didn't have the emotional reaction to it,

And that's why they're able to hurt you again,

Because they're not having that,

Ugh,

That somatic experience.

And I think that's a really important thing to look for when you're out and about in a friendship,

When you're out and about looking for a mate.

The ability to know that the person that you're dealing with is going to have that true emotional appropriate reaction to someone else's pain is really important.

And if you have that in a relationship,

Then that is one of the things that you want to look for.

And if you have it in a relationship,

It's one of the things that you really need to treasure.

Another telltale sign that you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits is this idea that they're unable to control their anger.

When you're dealing with a narcissist,

The narcissist is not dealing with their stuff.

They're not dealing with their stuff because they oftentimes are so blinded by their false self.

They believe that they're far more further along than they really are.

They believe that they're far more evolved than they actually are.

They have this idea of themselves that they're more important,

That they're more sensitive,

That they're more everything than other people.

And this inability to see themselves appropriately really prevents them from being able to go within.

And when you're healing,

You have to be able to see the good in you and the bad in you.

You've got to be able to see the good in people and the bad in people as well,

And not want to throw the baby out with the bath water.

So even if you are a healthy person and you've been abused by a narcissist,

You are someone who is looking to set boundaries,

Perhaps go no contact or gray rock,

But the goal is not to be vindictive.

Because this is only going to keep you stuck,

Karmically stuck to the person that you're saying you don't want in your life.

So the more you push,

The more you try to hurt,

The more you try to be vindictive and punish,

You're just keeping that relationship alive.

When you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

They have many outbursts of anger,

You're dealing with someone who's stuck.

They can't get to the point where they have the ability to be self-reflective for the purpose of self-knowledge,

For the purpose of self-accountability,

For the purpose of true spiritual and evolution of a soul and growth.

They don't have the ability to do it.

And because they're so below the veil and because they're so stuck,

Their default setting is going to be to blame and project.

So along with narcissistic rage and anger,

If you pull back enough and you listen to what a narcissist is saying,

Oftentimes what you notice is that they're accusing you of exactly what they're guilty of.

So if they're selfish,

They say you're selfish.

If they only think about themselves,

They accuse you of only thinking about yourself.

If they are irrational,

They accuse you of being irrational.

And in the moment,

Healthy people are taking in all these labels and asking themselves,

Am I like that?

Do I come off this way?

And you're scanning your brain for,

Have I been this way?

I don't want to do this way.

And then you're having empathy and empathetic response to,

Oh my God,

Is this how this person is receiving me?

And it can become maddening.

And you don't realize that in the moment you're being abused and you're being manipulated by someone who is convinced that they are the victim.

They are convinced that they are better than you.

They are convinced that they don't see themselves as being entitled to be abusive.

They don't see themselves as playing the victim.

They don't see themselves as playing the martyr.

No,

They accuse you of those things.

They don't see themselves as being irresponsible when it comes to other people's emotions,

But they'll accuse you of that.

And you as the target are trying to process all of these labels that they're shooting at you.

And it becomes a quagmire experience,

Right?

Your amygdala gets activated.

You don't know how to think.

You're worried about how this person feels.

You're trying to figure out how can I make it better?

And you're dealing with the shame and the guilt and the confusion.

It's just a mess when someone is raging at you.

It's just a mess.

But if you spend enough time,

Quiet time,

After the dust settles,

A day goes by,

Two days goes by,

Three days go by,

And you're stilling yourself and you haven't had any contact with someone who has just raged at you.

And you make a note,

Either a mental note,

I like to write notes,

I've got notebooks all over the place,

But you make notes of the labels that you have been called.

And then ask yourself,

When did I think this person was selfish?

When can I remember a time when this person was irrational?

When can I remember a time where this person made it all about them?

And you will begin to see a pattern of projection.

It's absolutely fascinating.

It doesn't happen right away.

You need some time,

Like a few days after an episode,

To really piece this together before you start to say,

Aha,

There was the rage,

There was the blaming,

And then there was projection.

And so there is the abuse cycle where everything began to mount,

There was this climax of abuse,

And then there's this kind of letting down phase,

Letting go phase,

And then before long they're trying to pull you back into the narcissistic abuse cycle.

So this is a big red flag that you're dealing with a narcissist.

Another big red flag that you're dealing with a narcissist is defensiveness.

So in other words,

When you're dealing with someone who is narcissistic,

You are walking around on eggshells,

Everything and anything that you say can be twisted.

It can be turned into something vile,

Something kind.

I recently had the experience of buying flowers for someone in our family that passed away,

And someone that is very dear and near to me made it about them.

Well,

Why didn't you tell me you were buying flowers?

Why couldn't you put my name on the flowers?

Why didn't you consider me when you bought the flowers?

And I'm thinking,

Because I'm a grown ass adult,

And if I want to buy flowers for this person,

I will.

And if you want to,

You can.

It was really bizarre to me to be under scrutiny unnecessarily as if I had done something wrong,

As if I had purposely hurt this person.

No,

You weren't even on my mind,

Right?

And that's not a bad thing.

Someone in the family died.

I went ahead and considered the family,

Bought flowers that really has nothing to do with you,

Right?

If you want to buy flowers from your family,

That's something you should do.

So unfortunately,

When you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

You're going to find this air of defensiveness,

And you will find that you are anxious around this person.

You will find that you have to pick your words very carefully.

You will find that they are irritated very easily over the slightest things.

You will find that they are convinced that you're wrong.

You will find that they defend things that are unnecessary to defend.

You will find that no matter what you say,

They will feel slighted and they will feel criticized.

They could ask you,

Do you like my shoes?

And you say,

Oh,

I like the red ones better.

And they go off into a tangent because they feel like you like the red shoes only to annoy them because they wanted to wear the blue shoes.

It's your fault that they're upset because they can't handle this criticism.

And so along with being highly defensive is this very,

They're very sensitive to any hint of criticism.

And you will feel like,

And I watched my mom do this my whole life,

My entire life,

My mother did nothing but fawn and placate after my dad.

And she would say over and over,

You're so handsome.

You're so smart.

I love you so much.

You're so this.

You're so that,

Oh,

I've never tasted eggplant parmesan like this.

You make the best eggplant parmesan.

I can't believe I'm so lucky that I'm married to you.

Right?

It was enough to make you want to vomit because I knew,

Eventually realized that this is the way my mother was controlling his anxiety.

He needed this admiration.

He was highly sensitive to criticism.

He could criticize you.

And he could be defensive with you,

But you couldn't be defensive with him.

You couldn't call him out on anything.

And you could not be critical of him.

In his head,

He was up here and you needed to see him up here.

And whenever you tried to do this and you said,

No,

No,

No,

I see you as a person and there's good in you,

There's bad in you,

There's good in me and there's bad in me.

Oh,

No,

No,

No,

No.

There's no bad in him.

He's all good.

And anything that he does that's not good,

It's justified.

So there's no accountability and no acknowledgement that maybe he wasn't doing the right thing or maybe there was something wrong with his behavior.

It was absolutely justified no matter what he said and no matter what he did.

So if you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

You will feel like you will be conditioned.

You won't even know that you're being conditioned,

But you'll be conditioned to feel like you have to smile.

You have to jump up and down.

You have to make this person feel good about themselves.

It's your job to mirror back to them.

You're awesome.

You're the best.

You're amazing.

They can't handle not having that feedback from the matrix.

They rely on you feeding them.

So they'll scour the room and they want you to feed back that they're awesome,

That everything that they do is absolutely amazing.

Every choice they make you think is wonderful.

Even if they ask you and say,

Tell me the truth,

And you tell them the truth,

There is going to be hell to pay.

They're going to be extremely reactive,

Extremely defensive,

And extremely sensitive to criticism.

So this is all to protect this fear that they have,

This very sensitive fractured sense of self,

And the mask helps them protect that.

And it's really,

Really,

I think it's sad,

Although I know some people and it's totally justified who have been so really taken advantage of by a narcissist.

They're like,

I have no sympathy or empathy for someone who does this.

And I personally get it.

I totally get it,

And that's absolutely justified.

I think it's important,

However,

To recognize that when you're talking about somebody who has narcissism,

They are running from themselves and they're not going to win.

You can't run from yourself.

They're living below the veil of consciousness.

They have this idea that they're a lot better,

A lot smarter than they actually are.

Oftentimes people see right through them,

But the people in their lives are afraid to really tell them the truth because their reactions are so over the top.

So they have conditioned their children.

They have conditioned their parents.

They've conditioned their siblings,

Their friends,

The coworkers to just shutty shutty.

Don't say anything because someone said,

I was going to have a fit if you say that he should lower the television because the kids are sleeping or he shouldn't drink so much.

Or it's when you think about that person who is so below the veil of consciousness,

For that person to actually be able to heal,

They would need to literally break through.

Their shell would have to crack.

They would have to fall into everything that they're afraid of,

Which is sort of like falling backwards into a volcano.

It's like,

What?

I'm not doing that.

I'm not going into that dark space.

It's hot.

It's cold.

I'm going to,

My ego is going to die.

And who am I without all of these ego defense mechanisms?

And when you grow up and these are your defense mechanisms,

It's to fight,

It's to criticize,

It's to be the victim,

It's to be vindictive,

It's to be aggressive,

It's to dominate and control,

It's to pretend that I'm not being abusive,

It's to get people to tolerate my abuse,

It's to gain admiration and praise from the outside and to be able to stay in this space.

And a narcissist needs targets.

A narcissist needs someone who is going to tolerate this.

It's devastating to think that a narcissist,

In a narcissist's head,

It's devastating to think I'm not going to have this validation and this admiration and this fear,

This dominance and control that I have.

Who am I without it?

I don't exist without these other players in my life.

That's why I always say a narcissist is more codependent than a codependent.

Because a codependent,

Once a codependent in most cases recognizes their codependent,

I don't want to be codependent anymore.

I want help for codependency so I don't play this game anymore.

Not so with Mr.

Or Mrs.

Narcissist.

Mr.

Or Mrs.

Narcissist absolutely want the game to continue.

And the minute you're not fun to play with anymore,

They're on to the next source of narcissistic supply.

You end it,

They're aggressive towards you,

Sometimes it's very,

Very bad when you call it off with a narcissist.

They come for you.

Or sometimes they completely discard you and they never talk to you again.

If that happens to you,

You're lucky.

But that's not always what happens.

But a narcissist will absolutely need to find another source of narcissistic supply that will tolerate this game.

And so,

You know,

For those of us who are in these types of relationships with these people,

You know,

Sometimes it helps us to see what's really going on.

Sometimes it helps us if our best friend's a narcissist or,

You know,

We have a narcissistic neighbor or a narcissistic boss or whatever.

Sometimes it helps us once we understand what's going on to understand that they're running.

They're running for themselves.

That doesn't mean we have to sleep with them,

We have to cook for them,

We have to tolerate this,

We have to go to every party they want us to go to,

Or we have to placate them and acquiesce.

No,

That's not what I'm saying.

If anything,

I think it's important to start distancing yourself from someone who has high narcissistic traits because you don't want to perpetuate this,

Right?

But certainly we don't have to stick our finger in their wound.

For someone to really heal from this,

They would have to let go of all of the ego defense mechanisms that have kept,

That have made them feel safe throughout their life.

And that is really not easy to do.

For those of us who are dealing with narcissists,

Who are garden variety narcissists,

Narcissists that we are fortunate enough to be able to move away from and relationships with,

Sometimes it helps us to see the wounded soul that they are inside of them.

This way we're not so reactive when they're reactive.

We're not so triggered by their projection.

We're able to say,

Okay,

I see what this is.

Oh,

It's the blaming game.

Oh,

He's very highly sensitive to criticism.

Oh,

He's looking for admiration.

Oh,

He's annoyed because I didn't praise him.

Oh,

Double bind coming up.

Damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Zip,

Saying nothing.

They want my opinion?

Absolutely not.

I'm going to ask them what their opinion is.

I'm not giving them my opinion because I'm going to be put into a double bind situation.

I'm never going to be able to get out of this without being scarred by something that they have to say.

But I do think that at least this helped me.

Once I began to understand the core issues with people who had narcissism,

It was much easier for me to pull back and not take a narcissist's abuse.

Reviews

I was listening to your message, he came into the spare room, where I now sleep and he advised me that I too had a problem. The room was dark, so he couldn’t see my reaction. I’m now seeing it for what it is, unfortunately financially I’m going to have stay here for a while. Thanks for sharing and yes I’m ok 👍😊

Great information. Knowledge certainly is power. Thank you.😄🙏🏻

Beautiful and insightful

Very interesting! Thank you!