Attachments To Narcissists Create Betrayal Bonds

Lisa explains how it is that a narcissist relies on your faith in them, to gain an attachment in order to create betrayal bonds in relationships. Narcissists will lovebomb their targets, and mirror back your personality traits in order to create trust in them so that their targets are more easily manipulated. In time, a narcissist will cause a target to distrust their own perception, until they only trust the perception of the narcissist.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about how attachments lead to betrayal bonds.

So we're talking about narcissistic relationships or relationships with malevolent others,

Relationships with people who are deliberately manipulative,

People who lie,

People who are willing to use a sense of exploitation,

Who feel entitled to exploit the emotions of others.

We're talking about what happens when we bump into people like this who sweep us off our feet and who over time get us to distrust the self.

There's a big misconception out there that those of us who are in relationships with narcissists are weak.

There's something wrong with us.

We are defective in some way.

We miss the signals.

We miss the red flags.

And that's just not the case.

And I get it.

As someone who is a recovering codependent,

My recovery is everything to me.

But in my particular case,

I acknowledge that there was childhood emotional neglect.

There was mental abuse.

There was exploitation.

There were boundaries that were crossed.

There was abandonment.

And at times there was even physical abuse.

What by today's standards would be considered abusive,

Whether it was getting whooped with a belt,

Hit with a spatula,

Or having some item thrown at you,

Or having your hair yanked,

Or hit with a brush,

By today's standards it would be considered blatant abuse.

So I grew up during the 60s where this type of behavior by parents was seen pretty normal,

Where you were supposed to give your kids a licking.

You were supposed to be this aggressive with them.

But today,

I believe,

Thank goodness there has been a shift.

And we're recognizing that that is not the best way to rear children.

There is a better way.

But I,

As a codependent woman,

Recognize that my childhood made me susceptible to someone who was more narcissistic.

I recognize that feeling abandoned,

Feeling not good enough,

And being brainwashed and or hypnotized to believe that love was conditional put me in a particular position to be more susceptible to this type of psychological manipulation by someone with a predator-type personality.

But that is not always the case.

Women and men who fall prey to predator-type personalities can be swept off their feet and manipulated by the fear of abandonment,

By gaslighting,

By all of the tactics narcissists use to use mind games against you.

You can be manipulated into a betrayal bond.

You can be manipulated into a trauma bond and have your perception of reality distorted so often by someone that you trust that you no longer trust your reality.

I remember talking about this in The Road Back to Me,

The first book that I wrote.

And I also share about this in my online programs where we have to recognize if this is the case because awareness will set us free.

Do I experience the world with one reality inside of me,

Yet there is another reality outside of me?

In other words,

Do I feel like something is wrong,

But is my partner or my parents and is the world around me telling me nothing's wrong?

And sometimes it is because we have unhealed wounds that have yet to be processed.

Sometimes it's because we are still emotionally unaware,

Cognitively unaware,

And we carry perceptions of what love is with us.

And when we meet someone,

They don't match our perception or hypnotic perception of what a good man is or what a good woman is.

And in that state,

We are arrested and we can sometimes project onto our new partner and make them feel less than because they're not living up to the standard that we have for love in our mind.

This happens to many of us who have fantasy thinking as a result of feeling abandoned as a child and developing fantasy-type thinking around this boy or this girl or this relationship that's going to rescue me from this sense of loneliness.

And this happens when we are not aware that we are not seeing our partners as they really are.

Perhaps we think a man is someone who always opens the door for us as women.

And I think that's a lovely thing.

But if that's my standard and if that man doesn't meet that standard,

Then I throw him in the negative pile through black and white thinking and I fail to see the good that is in him and I can't appreciate the good qualities in him.

And that can really cause a relationship to go sideways.

However,

There are times in our life when there are situations in which our inner reality has been manipulated by a partner.

Our inner reality has been judged by an external person whose interest is to mirror how we feel,

Mirror how we think in the beginning of the relationship,

Get us to feel attached to this person,

Get us to trust them and then over time they start messing with our reality.

They can turn things around.

They can say that they never said what they said.

And we can,

As people in those relationships,

Feel so distrusting of our own opinion that we begin to rely on this person for a sense of reality.

When we are dealing with this type of a person whose agenda it is to make you feel or make us feel like we're crazy,

We are literally like puppets on strings.

They have methodically over time used this attachment against us.

And because now I am attached to this person and now because over time perhaps they have threatened me with abandonment or said things like,

You know,

I thought you were smarter than that.

I thought that you were the one person in the world that I could rely on.

I thought you were the one person in the world I didn't have to prove myself to.

With statements like this,

What that does is it threatens our attachment to them and it also brings into question our sense of loyalty for them,

Which brings us to a sense of shame,

Which also it's a double whammy,

A triple whammy.

It's like a,

You know,

A triple home run for a predator who is able to get us to feel the fear of abandonment,

Which makes us feel like we're going to lose our life,

Like we can't breathe.

The person that we love,

The person who has mirrored our empathy,

Mirrored our likes and dislikes,

This person who I have been waiting for my entire life is displeased with me.

That's terrifying.

I'm going to lose this.

And through the love bombing stage has caused us to become addicted in some cases to their praise and to their affirmation.

At the same time brings into question our loyalty,

Which makes us feel ashamed of ourselves and then is questioning our mind,

Questioning our perception of a situation,

Just calling into question why someone did what they did.

So you ask your partner,

Why did you show up at 12 when you said that we were going to leave at 9?

I never said that.

I never made you believe that I was going to be here at 9.

There you go again.

I told you that I was going to be there at 12.

I never said I was going to be there at 9.

This is probably why you always have problems in your other relationships because you heard things that other people didn't say or you just decided to hear what you wanted to hear.

Now when someone that you love and you have an attachment to speaks to you that way,

You are in a trauma bonded situation and they have trained you to be afraid to question them and to challenge them.

And so these are the ways that our attachments can lead to trauma bonds.

These are the way,

This is the way or these are some of the ways that our feelings of attachment can actually cause us to abandon the self without ourselves even realizing it and for this reason that is why we must educate ourselves.

We must become self-aware.

We must recognize when we are dealing with someone who is causing us to distrust our perception of reality.

If you are in a relationship that is confusing or if you are in a relationship that causes you to distrust how you feel,

That is a huge red flag and I hope that this session has proven helpful.

Namaste dear ones.

Until next time.

Reviews

Thank you, Lisa. I received all the answers I was looking for. I'm healing from trauma. I can find peace now, forgive and move on with my life. I'm grateful for what you do and I'm sending the best wishes and love. 🙏 ❤️

Clearly explained thank you so much

Thank u. No words can' express how your chats have helped me. Your introduction says you have worked with co dependent etc, do you still work within that Field

Thank you for the knowledge to become more aware! 🙏🏼✨💖

Thank you 💓🙏😊

Thank you 🙏❤️

thank you. i continue to learn and understand these behaviors and i recognize them quickly because of you

Thank you 💜🙏💜