10 Gaslighting Phrases Used To Confuse And Control You

In this episode, you will learn about the things gaslighters say to create confusion in you. In this podcast episode, learn about 10 gaslighting phrases used to confuse and control you. A gaslighter is someone who needs to keep you off balance. Gaslighting is used to deflect your focus. Gaslighting is the most extreme when you try to hold a narcissistic person accountable for the way they have treated you or for the way they have spoken to you.

In a relationship with a narcissist, you will be confronted with crazymaking communication all designed to ensure you never feel self-confident. There are common gaslighting phrases narcissists use in a relationship you can learn to help you remain aware so as not to go down a rabbit hole. Gaslighting is a red flag you should be aware of. Narcissist gaslighting phrases are used to confuse and control you.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

Thank you so much for being here.

Thank you for learning about narcissism.

Thank you for learning about personal development.

And thank you for trying to figure out what's really going on in your life and in your relationship.

I firmly believe that the more we know about what's happening inside our relationship dynamics,

The more balanced we feel mind,

Body,

And soul.

If you're being abused by someone who is gaslighting you,

Chances are some of those signs will include this idea that you feel like you can't trust your instincts.

You can't trust your mind.

You can't trust your decisions.

You may struggle with brain fog.

You may find yourself apologizing to the very person who is abusing you.

You might not be able to trust even the most simplest decisions.

You might feel jumpy.

You might feel like you're crawling out of your skin.

You might be afraid of sudden noises.

Your joy might be have taken right out of you.

You might not be happy about anything.

You might notice that what you really matter,

What you really think about most is the other person.

And you might not even realize that you're being manipulated and abused by someone who is gaslighting you to control you,

To keep you stuck,

To create a trauma bond.

When you're being gaslighted,

It's very common to have a trauma bond.

Because this person has pulled you in,

They most likely love-bombed you in the beginning,

Which meant that they idealized you.

You may have ended up feeling like your ship has come in,

Finally you've manifested someone who gets you.

And in a certain amount of time,

You realize that you're not feeling as loving towards this person,

Or this person doesn't feel as loving towards you.

You've been threatened with abandonment,

And you've been criticized.

You've been blamed for why they're pulling away.

In this session,

What I'm going to talk about are 10 key gaslighting phrases that a narcissistic gaslighting,

Cheating person or spouse or partner will do or say to you to keep you off balance.

The whole goal is to throw you off your game mentally and emotionally and psychologically,

Which is so cruel,

So that you cannot hold this person accountable.

This person is not going to admit that they've done anything wrong.

They much prefer that they have their cake and eat it too.

Why?

Because another sign of narcissism is that this person is empathy impaired.

So being honest to you or with you is not high on their priority list because they lack empathy for you.

So you are not seen as a 3D autonomous person with valid emotions.

No.

You are seen as an object or a source of narcissistic supply,

As are all the people that this person is cheating with as well.

They just don't know it.

The new supply is being idealized,

And they don't know that they've been sucked in by a narcissist,

Right?

It's all part of a game,

Right?

To keep this false image that they have of themselves in their mind going and pulling the strings of other people,

Treating people with disregard,

Not understanding that their behavior is hurting other people is all part of the game.

And it's a game for dominance and control.

It's bad enough being cheated on by anyone,

But being cheated on by a pathological cheater or being cheated on by a narcissist,

You never get to resolve the issue for so many reasons.

So I want to talk about some of the things that a narcissistic gaslighting cheater will say to you to keep you off your game.

So the number one thing that a narcissist will say to you is,

I'm not cheating.

You're just paranoid.

So the whole agenda is to make you feel like there's something wrong with your perception.

So it's not that this person is cheating.

It's that you shouldn't trust your perception because you're paranoid,

Right?

We hear this over and over and over in narcissistic relationships,

Where when you start to defend yourself,

The person who's abusing you questions your mind.

You're just paranoid.

It's all in your mind,

Right?

So this is a very common phrase that someone who has high narcissistic traits will use without much really regard for how this phrase is making you feel and how much chaos that might create in your being to have someone question your perception.

And if you have felt like you've questioned this person a lot,

And rightfully so,

If you're dealing with a narcissist,

Then they hit you up with,

Well,

You are paranoid.

See,

You don't like this and you don't like that,

Has nothing to do with your perception that you're being cheated on or the fact that you're being cheated on.

But what a narcissist will do,

Well,

A narcissist will use these other experiences to justify and rationalize why he or she thinks you're paranoid.

The next key phrase is,

If you weren't so insecure,

You would not think I was cheating.

So again,

It's not that this person's cheating.

It's that you're insecure and that's why you're perceiving this person's cheating.

So now you should not trust your perception.

You shouldn't trust your perception because it's coming from an insecure place,

Right?

So again,

The goal really is to get inside your mind and make you doubt that your perception is actually valid.

I have gone through this and I can tell you it is maddening to have your perception questioned over and over and over is so invalidating.

It marginalizes you.

And if you have trauma in your background and you had a mother or a father,

A sister or brother or significant person in your life call you crazy or say that you're paranoid or you're just insecure,

That wound is triggered now when the narcissist uses it against you.

And this is all,

This comes into play because once a narcissist knows what your spiritual booboos are,

They will use them to their advantage while they're gaslighting you.

So if you say,

You know,

I've always felt insecure about this and my mother used to call me paranoid,

Dear one,

They're going to use that against you.

To me,

That is a telltale sign of narcissism.

When you share with someone one of your deepest wounds and during an argument or a conversation,

This person uses that as an emotional weapon against you,

You may either have a full blown narcissist on your hands or someone with very high narcissistic traits who lacks empathy for you.

Another key phrase you might hear is if you were prettier,

You probably wouldn't be so paranoid.

So if you're a woman and you hear your boyfriend comment about your looks,

I mean,

This is a deep,

Deep,

Deep low blow because every woman,

Regardless of the way she looks,

At least wants to think that the person that she's involved with finds her attractive.

And when someone uses this type of a phrase to throw the woman off balance,

To invalidate her perception of being cheated on,

It goes right to the core of a woman's soul.

So if you were prettier,

You wouldn't be so paranoid and you wouldn't think that I was cheating.

So not only,

It's like a double whammy,

Right?

So you're being called unattractive,

Which is shaming right away and devastating,

Right?

And then on top of it,

Your mental state is being questioned.

And so you are crippled from the inside and in your mind,

You're like,

Oh my God,

He or she doesn't find me attractive and I do feel insecure about the way I look.

Maybe he's right,

Maybe I'm just paranoid because of the way that I look,

Or maybe she's right because I feel so insecure about my looks.

And what's happened,

Right?

This incredible smoke screen has been created and you're no longer talking about the fact that this person's cheating on you.

So this is a phrase that a narcissist will use as a double whammy.

So be aware of it.

So I think that it's important that those of us who are learning about this,

The whole point of learning about it is so that when it's happening,

Now you have the information and you go,

Oh,

Okay,

Wow,

Double whammy.

This guy or this woman just brought me down about my looks and on top of it is accusing me of being paranoid and yet I know for a fact that cheating on me,

Isn't that interesting Mr.

Or Mrs.

Narcissist,

Right?

So once you start to realize what the emotional weapon is,

It doesn't penetrate like it would have if you weren't prepared.

So I really hope that that's what you're taking away from these types of conversations.

So another key phrase that a gaslighting,

Cheating narcissist will use is you never see things correctly anyway and that's why you think I'm cheating on you.

So now the goal is to question not only what you see in this situation,

But you never see things correctly,

Right?

So now it's like,

Oh my God,

Like I never see things correctly.

So now it's not just this situation,

It's everything,

Right?

So the person that you love,

The person that you take care of,

The person that you care about,

The person that is your everything,

Right,

Is now telling you that the way you perceive the world is faulty.

So how could you possibly be correct now?

This happens day in and day out when you're dealing with someone who is unable to take accountability for his or her actions.

This happens when we're dealing with people who feel entitled to use people as pawns in their life to make them feel better about themselves through dominance and control.

So a narcissist who uses this type of a comment on you walks away thinking,

Huh,

Huh,

Huh,

Huh,

Threw her off her game,

Or I threw him off his game,

You know?

And they're almost excited and maybe some of them may even be excited that they were able to throw you off your game.

If you're a victim of this,

What you have to see,

You have to see it clearly as difficult as it is,

Is that you don't exist in this relationship as a 3D person who has emotions and feelings.

The person you're dealing with doesn't consider how you feel.

And this is very unsettling and it's hard for you to wrap your mind around that there are people that you could love and make excuses for who really don't give a rat's behind about how you feel.

And that can be very destabilizing.

But don't allow that to destabilize you to the point where you're not seeing what's really going on.

People who love you don't want you to feel insecure.

They don't want to exploit you.

If you do feel insecure,

Then they want to help you through that.

On the flip side of it,

I don't know about you,

But I have been accused of things that I am not guilty of,

And that can be very off-putting and you end up defending yourself.

So we want to try to make sure that we are seeing things from all sides.

In this situation,

We're dealing with someone who's cheating.

We are believing or feeling that they have high narcissistic traits,

And we're paying more attention to the types of phrases they use when we confront them about what we think is going on.

You must be able to determine whether or not you're dealing with someone who's gaslighting you,

Because this will suck your soul.

This will suck the life out of your soul.

It will suck the energy out of your mind.

It will throw a monkey wrench in your ability to make sense out of the simplest things in life.

You won't trust what color shoes you should wear with your outfit.

You won't trust what you should have for lunch.

You won't trust how to finish a project.

You literally will not trust yourself when you are deliberately and over time taught that you shouldn't trust your perception.

Another key gaslighting phrase is,

I have no idea who you're talking about.

So it's like they want you to believe that you are so crazy that you're accusing them of having an affair with someone they don't even know.

So now it's like you're completely bonkers,

Right?

You made this up.

It's all in your head.

This truly is a figment of your imagination,

Right?

This person doesn't even exist in my world.

She exists only because you say she exists.

So the gaslighting behind this is to make you doubt that it could ever even be possible,

Because in this person's world,

The person that you're accusing of cheating on you doesn't exist,

Right?

How horrible is it to feel like you know something about someone,

And you may even have the evidence,

Right?

A narcissist is always,

It wasn't me.

I mean,

You have a picture with the person,

His lips all over her,

Right?

And you know it's her in the picture,

And he's telling you,

Wasn't me.

Or I don't even know that person,

Right?

I don't even know the person that I'm kissing in the picture.

By the way,

That's not the person,

Or it's not me.

There's complete denial,

Denial,

Denial,

Right?

They always say no.

So how do you get resolution with someone who you believe is cheating on you with a person that you know that they know?

They know this person through you.

Or you saw them meet,

And the narcissist is saying,

I don't even know this person.

You are bonkers,

Lady.

I don't even know this person.

Or a narcissistic female is telling you,

I never met that guy.

And you were at a party,

And you saw her talking to him.

But she is denying that she knows this person.

So that is completely invalidating your perception.

This is done to play with your head,

Because honestly,

This person doesn't see you as a 3D human being.

And it's really hard to accept when you are someone who has been,

Like I said earlier,

Catering to this person,

Taking care of them.

And you start to get the idea that this person is cheating on you.

And now,

Rather than admit it,

Would prefer to gaslight you,

Confuse you,

Manipulate,

Dominate you,

Make a fool out of you,

And keep this going.

Then admit the truth.

That's really devastating to realize that someone that you love has that little respect for you.

But it's also important to realize that that has nothing to do with you and has to do with this poor character in this other person.

Another key gaslighting phrase is,

The problem is you like to make stuff up in your head.

So here we go again.

You confront someone.

You're hoping that they're going to admit it.

You can get some resolution,

Maybe even work on your relationship,

Or end it.

But the last thing that you want is to have someone insinuate that you're crazy.

So this key gaslighting phrase,

The goal really is,

Again,

To make you feel as if the reason you're perceiving what you're perceiving is because you're just in the habit of making stuff up.

You like to create stories in your head.

You're this amazing writer of fantasy novels.

And that's really why you perceive this.

What is the purpose?

The purpose is to make you feel like you have no legs to stand on,

Like you are some frivolous person.

You're being silly by even suggesting that this person is cheating on you.

And they're using this idea that,

Well,

You like to make things up,

Don't you?

It may or may not even be true that you do this,

And most likely it's not.

But the narcissist wants to infuse you with the idea that you make things up.

And if you're not careful,

Over time,

This type of psychological abuse,

It's sort of like dropping a seed into someone's mind.

In time,

You take on this narrative like,

Oh,

I'm making things up.

So the next time you want to confront this person,

What do you hear?

You hear the cognitive dissonance.

Well,

Maybe I'm making it up.

Maybe I'm too sensitive.

Well,

Maybe it's because I'm insecure.

Well,

Maybe it's because I don't find myself attractive.

Or maybe it's this,

Or maybe it's that.

And you're sitting at the kitchen table,

And you're eating your mashed potatoes.

And the narcissist is eating the mashed potatoes,

Nice and happy,

Because you are afraid to confront him or her about what you believe is going on in your relationship.

That is exactly what the narcissist wants.

Another key gaslighting phrase is,

You should stop talking to your friends about this,

Because they're putting stuff in your head.

So now,

The narcissist is suggesting that your friends are a problem.

Now,

This really,

It's like killing two birds with one stone.

So now,

He'll get to divide and conquer by separating you from your friends,

And by suggesting your friends are the problem,

And what they're saying about him or her is the problem.

So now,

He or she has created distance between you and your friends,

Which is always going to be the goal of a narcissist,

Is to isolate you from the people that can encourage you and support you.

They don't want you to have legs to stand on.

They don't want you to have a support system.

And in addition,

Again,

He or she is throwing in this idea that everyone's just crazy for suggesting this.

This is all fluff.

This is all silliness.

It's figment of,

Now your friends are even paranoid.

And how silly are you to hang out with these people,

And how dare you allow what they're saying about me to come in between us?

So everything is silly.

Not only are you silly,

You're wrong,

And now your loyalty is being questioned.

So this really is a gaslighting phrase that you really need to be aware of.

And it really is trying to throw you off your game,

So you cannot hold this person accountable.

But when a narcissist uses your friends against you,

Then a lot of goals are going to be achieved if you don't know what you're dealing with.

They're going to try to isolate you from your friends.

They're getting you to really defend your loyalty of the narcissist,

Because now he or she is questioning your loyalty.

And this idea that you're a silly person for daring to question the narcissist infuses you with this idea that maybe you shouldn't trust your instincts,

Or maybe you shouldn't trust what you saw.

Another key phrase is,

Well,

You've always been irrational,

And that's why you think I'm cheating.

So again,

A narcissist will use this idea that you've always been a certain way,

And so how could you trust what you see today?

You've always been irrational.

You always overreact,

Right?

You always make up stories,

So that's what you're doing now.

It's not that,

Yes,

I am cheating,

Yes,

I am hurting you,

Yes,

I am humiliating you,

Yes,

I'm lying to you.

No.

Why?

Because you have to understand,

If you understand what a narcissist is or how they perceive the world,

It's all about them.

They need dominance and they need control.

You are a source of narcissistic supply.

It is what it is.

And in their world,

They can never take responsibility for their actions.

In their world,

They're never wrong.

In their world,

They feel entitled to exploit the emotions of other people.

And so when you're crying,

Maybe the narcissist cares a little bit.

It's just a matter of time before a narcissist who could feel any type of remorse at all,

Most of them feel very little,

Before they turn it up or trump it and start feeling sorry for themselves that you're accusing them of cheating.

So it's very important,

The most important thing is to really be able to identify when you're being gaslit,

Because that really is what's most important here.

Because you've got to be able to stop this and nip it in the bud before it penetrates too deeply in your own mind before you're questioning everything,

Which I've been there.

It is not easy to climb out of this pit.

It is possible to do,

But it isn't easy.

And I watched my mother over time lose her grip and lose her balance.

And my father was the type of person,

God rest his soul,

But my father was the type of person that can turn anything around and get you to think that you were hysterical.

Oh,

You're just hysterical.

Oh,

You make a big deal out of nothing.

You always make a big deal out of nothing.

This is what you do,

Right?

You judge people.

So now I'm wrong for judging you or suggesting that you're cheating on me,

Which brings me to my next key phrase.

When you're dealing with a narcissist who's cheating on you,

Don't be surprised if they hit you up with,

Why are you judging me?

Why are you doing this?

Like you're a judgmental person,

Right?

You're so judgmental,

You judge everybody.

And that's now it's filtering into our relationship.

You're judging me.

So I had a conversation with someone and right away you think she's this horrible person or you think he's this horrible person.

You're judging her.

You think she'd sleep with me or you think he'd sleep with me.

What's wrong with you for being so judgmental?

I can't believe you think that I would do this and you think that she or he would do this.

Like you should be ashamed of yourself.

So tables have completely turned.

Now because you are confronting this person about what you think he or she is doing,

You are now a judgmental person.

You are now being stripped of your right to discern what you think and how you feel.

You are now being stripped of your right to say,

Hey,

I need to set a boundary here.

You're being stripped of your right to perceive reality as you see it.

And the judgment card is being used.

So now it's being suggested that you're not only paranoid,

But you should be ashamed of yourself.

So now we're adding shame to this idea that you should never,

Ever,

Ever accuse this cheating narcissist of cheating on you with one of his friends or one of her friends or someone from work or whatever.

How dare you?

So now you in the future will experience cognitive dissonance.

Because when you think you see something,

You're going to remember,

Your brain is going to recall the shame that you felt when you confronted this person about this issue.

You might even be afraid now that this narcissist is going to tell the person that you think he or she is cheating on you with that you suggested this.

So now you feel embarrassed,

You feel ashamed,

You feel guilt-ridden that you accused the narcissist and this person of cheating on you.

This is gaslighting on steroids,

Because now you are so confused,

You are so messed up.

And now you go back into the shell.

And now lots of times you try to be the good little boy or the good little girl to get back in the graces of the person who is manipulating you and psychologically abusing you.

And cheating on you.

The last key phrase that I want to talk about has to do with a narcissist who wants you to believe that it's your base emotional set point that's the problem,

Not the cheating.

And that is that you're such a negative person.

You're such a negative person.

Look what I do for you.

The reason you feel the way you feel,

The reason you think I'm cheating on you is because you're just a negative person.

You don't see good in anyone.

Can you see how you're being psychologically abused?

How maybe you aren't Susie Sunshine all the time,

Right?

Or maybe you are a negative Nelson once in a while,

But that dammit has nothing to do with being cheated on.

Because if you're being cheated on,

You're being cheated on.

But what a narcissist will do will take your innocuous,

Mundane,

Everyday complaints or conversation that you had,

That you shared with him or her about a friendship,

And maybe it wasn't the most positive,

But it's life.

There are going to be things that people do that annoy you.

And you're not a narcissist because someone annoyed you,

Right?

It's normal to be annoyed,

But you share it with a narcissist and it immediately goes into their ammunition box.

She talked negative about her best friend.

I'm going to use that against her one day.

Or,

Ooh,

He spoke negative about his mother.

I'm going to use that as ammunition one day.

I mean,

It's not beyond a female narcissist to say,

Well,

You don't have any good relationships with any women and you have mommy issues and that's why you think I'm cheating on you,

Right?

You don't trust your mother,

So now you don't trust me.

That has to be true if the female is cheating on him.

So these are the types of phrases,

And this is the agenda behind.

The agenda is really to dominate and control the other person.

And why does this happen?

This happens because narcissists are grandiose.

They think that they're better than everyone else.

They have a lack of empathy for others,

And they walk around feeling pretty entitled.

They get a kick out of being able to lie and pull the wool over someone's eyes.

They actually enjoy when someone's cowering.

I mean,

I don't know about you,

But that makes my skin crawl to think that someone would cower around me.

I don't want anyone cowering around me.

That's awful.

Everybody should feel empowered.

Everybody should feel themselves.

Everyone should feel confident.

But there's a certain person that enjoys,

Ha-ha,

I got them,

Ha-ha,

They're squirming in their seat,

Ha-ha.

I made her think that it's her,

Ha-ha.

I made him think that it was him,

Ha-ha.

He feels like it's his fault now that he accused me of cheating.

And look at him.

He's questioning his sexuality,

And he's questioning whether or not he's good enough or he should be able to trust his feelings about me,

Ha-ha.

I just came home from my lover's house,

And he has no clue.

There's a certain person that actually enjoys that type of dominance over somebody,

And it's icky,

It's nasty.

And the more we're aware of how this operates in relationships,

The better we can extricate ourselves from these relationships so we are not drawn in by these energy vampires whose agenda it is to just keep us stuck in unhealthy relationships.

Here are some things that I think that you can do to help you if you are being gaslighted by a cheater.

Keep really good records.

If you feel like you're being lied to,

Then it is in your best interest to take pictures and to store them in a safe place.

Maybe even send them to a friend,

Right?

If you don't trust your computer,

Then take these pictures,

Send them away,

And maybe even go to Shutterstock.

Create a little book of text messages and pictures.

Download pictures from wherever you can to prove what you're going through.

Also,

Keep voice memos.

One of the things that my clients routinely do,

Those who are struggling with narcissistic abuse,

Is they send me memos of their conversations with the narcissistic mom or the narcissistic partners.

And this is very,

Very important because this is all part of the record keeping system.

And so when you have someone that you trust listen to a memo,

A voice memo,

A voice recording,

And they're taking notes,

It's so much easier for that person to be able to say,

Uh,

That was a gaslighting phrase,

Or uh,

That was marginalizing you,

And uh,

Turn the tables and blame shifted.

What does this have to do with that?

Uh,

She said she didn't know that guy,

But I was there when she met him.

And this really does help you pull you out of the tornado of emotions that are occurring when you're being gaslit,

When your life is falling apart.

So creating,

Keeping good records,

Downloading photos,

Keeping voice memos,

Sending them to a trusted friend,

And fact checking.

Now if you know that Nancy the narcissist is cheating on you with Bob from the office,

You know that.

But Nancy says that she never met Bob.

Now you have a friend who's like,

For a fact,

I know she met him.

I was at the wedding when I saw them dancing.

Hey,

Friend,

Do you have a picture of them dancing?

I would love a picture of them dancing.

Well,

That goes into your little box of pictures of this narcissist.

Why is this so important?

This is important because emotions,

Strong emotions can pull you into the deep end.

And it can really make it difficult for you to keep your nose above water,

Especially if you're living with this person,

Right?

And sometimes when narcissists get caught,

They come on really thick,

Right?

So it's like you think you catch them,

Right?

And you accuse them.

They gaslight you.

Everything gets quiet for a little while.

And before you know it,

They're like,

Hey,

You want to go to your favorite French restaurant?

And you're like,

Hmm,

OK.

And for a couple of weeks,

Things are really good.

Throwing you off your game again,

Right?

Or you suddenly have this hot and heavy bedroom experience,

And you're like,

OK,

Maybe she's not cheating on me,

And maybe he's not cheating on me.

It starts to play with your head a little bit.

So you're secretly being hoovered in,

Right?

But if you feel like you're being gaslit,

It's very important for you to document this.

Even document the timeline.

I accused her or him of this.

This is what was said.

This is the evidence I have to back it up.

And this happened,

Right?

So you might have a narcissist suddenly stonewall you and give you the silent treatment.

So you scurry back to them,

Right?

Because they're trying to make you feel guilty.

They're threatening your abandoned trauma.

Or you might have the opposite,

Where suddenly this person remembers how to empty the dishwasher,

Or is remembering to come home on time.

Or you might have someone who's really scary,

Someone who acts like nothing happened,

Like nothing changes.

And you're like,

Hmm,

I just accused my husband or my wife of cheating on me.

And he or she is like,

Past the butter.

Like it never happened,

Hello.

That's frightening stuff.

But as you start to extricate yourself from this,

What you're going to see is you're going to see a timeline begin to evolve.

Make sure that you keep that timeline.

Make sure you keep really good records.

And you have a support system.

It is never healthy to isolate,

Never healthy.

It is so important that you find at least one person that you can talk to.

Sometimes that's very difficult to find.

It might be a member of the clergy.

It might be a friend of a friend.

But do what you can to make that a priority,

To find someone that you can bounce these ideas off of,

And someone who is in no way ever capable of becoming that narcissist's flying monkey.

Reviews

Thank you for explaining these things so clearly 🙏🌹

very well explained- thanks 🙏