Establishing Wise Communication

This is the introductory talk in the series of talks on Wise Communication. Communication is not included in the five foundations of mindfulness directly but as we establish mindfulness in our lives and practices, communication and speaking without causing harm becomes an ongoing practice of awareness.

Transcript

So this path of practice is holistic and it's not meant to be rigid. And when the Buddha taught, He often taught in combination with something else. He said that he taught the Dhamma Vinaya. And when he passed he said the Dhamma Vinaya would be the teacher. Well we all know Dhamma, Dharma, We talk about this quite often, But what's this Vinaya? What's this other part? And the Vinaya is the code of conduct. They are guidelines of how we live in the world. And we don't hear this word much, Vinaya, Because it's usually associated with the rules of the monastics. But the Buddhist community is not just monastics, It's people like us who heard some of these teachings and perhaps began exploring the practice, Maybe adopted the practice as our own. And the vision of the Buddha, The vision that the Buddha had was to bring together the ordained community, The monastic community, And the lay community, Householders like us, To support one another. And he said that the teachings that he offered are the Dhamma Vinaya, The teachings of the path and the truth and the practice and the outline of how to live the code of conduct. So for those of us who have not ordained, This code of conduct is laid out in the five precepts. Not killing, Not stealing, Not lying, Not misusing our sexuality, And not misusing intoxicants. So these are very broad precepts, But also very deep trainings. And one of these precepts is about what we say, How we speak, And how we listen. It's interesting for me what happens inside of me when I teach about communication. I feel a little tight and a little hesitant. It feels easier for me to teach the foundations of mindfulness, Of meditation, The instruction, Than to teach about communication. And I feel hesitant because I sense my own limitations in this area, My own inadequacies in this area. I'm acutely aware that my own understanding of these tools and the practices of speech and communication are limited to my own life experience. I was not conditioned by wise speech. My life experience as a young person did not have non-violent communication at its core. It was quite the opposite. So wise and mindful communication has been and is a practice. It's as much of a practice as paying attention and establishing mindfulness of breathing, Establishing awareness and attention in the body, Establishing awareness and attention of emotions and thoughts, Establishing wise communication. Wise speech has been an ongoing practice of attention to why I am speaking. And I share this because my deepest intention is that these tools that we are establishing and cultivating, The tools of paying attention, Will support us in the most profound way. The Buddha understood the power of language and the power of communication and its effect to either support us or undermine our potential to be free from suffering, To be free from the pain that comes in this life. There is a Tibetan saying, A Tibetan Buddhist saying, That when in meditation, Watch your mind and when in public, Watch your speech. And that's partly because speech, What we say, How we say it, Is really a window into understanding what motivates us. You know, What's the background within us for what we're about to say? And it isn't that you watch your speech because it's the ethical thing to do. We watch what we want to say and how we say it so that we can begin exploring like, Well, How do I get stressed? And how do I get caught? And how I lose my freedom to be myself. I think perhaps modern Buddhism is really about working with the challenges in our life, Learning how to communicate in conflicts, And when things are challenging, To, You know, It's really a crucial skill, Wise communication. You know, We're learning to be in conflict and challenges in a way that may even be productive, And certainly in a way that causes less harm. I love Gil Fransdal's simple instruction on communicating wisely. It's so great. He says, You know, Communicate in a way that doesn't make the situation worse. That's like, Of course. Ideally, We want to make the situation better, But with this simple instruction, And it's something that we can maybe remember, Just don't make it worse. It's a powerful principle, Not making something worse. It's what I'm about to say going to make it worse, And then don't say it. And sometimes we can do this well, And sometimes we make it worse. So it's a practice. It's a practice of attention. It's an establishment of mindfulness. Speech is one of the easiest places not to be mindful. It's very, Very easy to get involved and not be very careful, And if it's, If we're angry, We're much more likely to speak in an angry way. If we're greedy, We want something, Some people will speak in a more manipulative way to get what they want. So the Buddha gave five criteria for how to study your communication, And this is what we'll look at as the guide for in the next couple of weeks. And I'll talk about these five criteria over the next couple of weeks as a way of helping support us in wise communication. So the five criteria. First, Is it truthful? The second, Is it timely? The third, Is it kind? The fourth, Is it useful? And the fifth, Does it bring people together? So these are questions that we can ask ourselves when we're about to speak. Is what I'm about to say true? Is it the right time to say this? Can I speak with kindness so that it's settling for the person or people receiving it? Is it beneficial what I'm about to say? And is it going to bring us together or separate us? So these are five different things that we can ask ourselves. We can sort of wonder, Should I speak right now? Why am I speaking right now? How can I speak in this way where I utilize this beneficial communication style? So to begin on this path, We'll unpack each of these in the coming weeks. But for today, The day ahead, I invite you to pay attention to what motivates your speech. Why do you say what you say? And if you pay attention in this way, You'll learn a lot about yourself. And what you learn, I invite you to hold with compassion and kindness, Maybe even a little bit of levity. So thank you for your attention, And I look forward to exploring this topic with you.

Reviews

Very helpful. Thank you. Taking a number of online courses and feeling unsure in discussion boards!!