The Truth About Empaths, Childhood Trauma, And Shadow Work

Some empaths are created through painful early experiences—rejection, abandonment, emotional neglect, and feeling unseen. These wounds condition the developing brain into hypervigilance, keeping the child’s psyche locked in "scanning mode." When a child is forced to tune into the emotions and behavior of others to feel safe, they become disconnected from their true self—and this is the breeding ground for codependency.

Other empaths are born, arriving with a spiritual assignment. Their nervous systems and emotional bodies are designed to feel what others suppress. Often, these empathic souls absorb the denied pain of their caregivers—especially unhealed maternal figures. Over time, these empaths become sensitive not just to individual pain, but to the collective suffering that society ignores.

Transcript

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough,

The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true,

Authentic self.

I'm Lisa A.

Romano,

Your host.

As an award-winning author and certified life coach,

I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind.

I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false self.

My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening.

In this podcast,

I'll share insights,

Tools,

And transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery.

Today we're going to be talking about one of the major problems with empathy and why it's so important and crucial to understand the codependency piece of this.

Because if you follow my work,

Chances are you have been magnetically attracted to this work,

And that is the basis of everything.

It's attraction,

It's inclusion.

You've heard a podcast,

You've heard someone else share my information,

Perhaps at a codependent anonymous meeting,

Or an adult child of an alcoholic meeting,

Or in passings.

At any rate,

Dear one,

If you are here,

Chances are you have been drawn to this work and you owe the best of what I've gained in terms of my life experience to benefit from the things that I have learned the hard way,

And that's what knowledge is.

It's self-gnosis,

It's the understanding of self.

The greatest Greek philosophers all asked,

Who am I?

And the people who I think are the most successful,

And I don't mean in terms of money,

Because you can be a narcissistic so-and-so,

Male or female,

And have lots of money,

And have lots of people running around at your beck and call,

Afraid of you.

That's not success to me.

Success to me is,

Do I wake up with joy?

Do I wake up with contentment?

Do I wake up satisfied?

Even in the wiggle moments,

Even in the dark times,

Even in the tough times,

Even when things don't look like they're working out for me,

Do I have this level of confidence,

Which can only come if you've got self-mastery under your belt?

If you don't know how to navigate your ship,

I.

E.

Your life in a storm,

You're not going to be able to navigate through the storm.

You will do things as the captain of your ship,

As the unskilled captain of your ship,

Without any mastery whatsoever.

You're not going to ride out the storm,

And if anything,

You could capsize.

And that's what it feels like when you're codependent,

And you have these empathic qualities.

You feel like you're constantly getting capsized,

Overwhelmed by emotions.

If you are a codependent coach,

A codependent healer,

A codependent Reiki healer,

A codependent therapist,

A codependent doctor,

A codependent person who works at a church or a synagogue,

If you are in the healing or servicing industry,

If you answer customer service for a company,

And you are highly codependent,

And you have empathic qualities.

If you work on a hotline,

A crisis center,

If you are an emergency service person,

If you are a police officer,

Fire person,

Rescue person,

EMT,

Paramedic,

Surgeon,

Whatever it is,

And you are codependent,

And you have high empathy,

You,

Dear one,

Must understand that you must shield yourself,

Because toxic energies attach to you.

Let me explain it now to you.

When you connect to someone naturally,

You are going to be able to connect almost like there's this tube between you and another person to their inner turmoil.

You are going to be going to be able to connect to their feelings,

Their inner child's visceral somatic experiences,

All of their downloads.

You didn't ask for it.

You didn't ask for this gift,

But you got it,

Kid.

And now you have to learn how to deal with it.

You have to learn how to shield yourself.

I'm finally understanding at the age,

The gentle age of 60,

Why it is and how it is after tons of recovery work,

I can still get caught up in drama.

I can meditate every day.

I can journal every day.

I can be mindful.

I could focus on what is great in my life and make a list of wonderful aspects about my life.

I can look at my husband and appreciate the amazing qualities that brought us together and why I love him versus chew on the parts of our relationship that I wish were a little bit softer.

Not that there are many of those pieces,

But of course,

When you're married and you spend a lot of time with somebody,

You notice everything.

And if you're highly sensitive,

You're going to be sensitive to the good as well as the bad.

That's the other thing.

An empath,

And some people say,

Oh,

There's no such thing as an empath.

I don't necessarily believe it.

Maybe we're categorizing these people as HSP,

Highly sensitive.

18% of the population is highly sensitive.

Is this due to trauma and developing hypervigilance as a child needing to pay attention to what the hell my mother's thinking,

Her tone?

When is the next verbal assault?

When is the next gaslighting moment?

When is she going to switch from being nice mommy to mean mommy or fake mommy?

When is the rug going to get pulled out from underneath me?

When is my brother going to say something to cause my father to blow up on him?

When is my uncle going to get drunk again?

When is he going to gamble again?

When is he going to get beat up by the loan sharks again?

When is he going to hurt another woman again?

When are they going to get divorced?

When are her children going to get involved?

Oh,

Lions and tigers and bears,

Oh my.

I know some of you are shaking your head like that is my life,

Lisa.

That was my everyday life.

Dear one,

You are not alone.

I have been coaching people for nearly 30 years one-to-one.

And before that,

Before I officially started working with people one-to-one,

First as a personal trainer.

So bartenders,

People tell you their stories.

They come in every week.

They're looking for someone to speak to,

Someone to hear them.

They want to connect to another person.

And bartenders and hairdressers,

It's a captive audience.

You really can't go anywhere.

So it's the people in society that have this great need to connect to other people.

They often tell barbers and hairdressers and bartenders and their insurance agents their personal stories.

If you've ever walked out of a car dealership shaking your head like,

Why did that salesperson just tell me such personal information?

That person has no one to connect to lots of the times.

And you're a captive audience.

And so,

Yeah,

Sometimes a car salesman is schmoozing you over and it's becoming a sales thing that salesmen do.

Oh,

Connect with them on a personal level.

Yeah,

I get it.

But sometimes it's not that.

Sometimes it's like,

This poor person has no one to talk to.

When my son was a cashier at a local food store for a while,

He would say,

Mom,

I'm ringing people up and they're just telling me their stories.

Because so many people are freaking hurting.

They're hurting.

They're hurting.

They're isolated.

Or you know what?

Nice people like Gabor Mate talks about.

Nice people who care,

They get sick.

The narcissists aren't getting sick.

Why?

Because they're draining the people who are nice.

They're draining the codependents.

They're draining the empaths.

Like we've got to stop seeing like,

Oh,

I'm so empathic.

It's like this badge of honor.

It's wonderful.

But you're of no use of anyone to anyone if your cup is empty,

If you're irritable,

If you're getting sick.

You can't take care of anyone if you're sick.

Because of everybody else's toxic energy that you haven't learned to acknowledge what is really happening.

How could you be a healer and go down the rabbit hole?

How could you be somebody in a capacity such as a neurosurgeon and freak out and be so emotional and not be able to control yourself?

Like you beat yourself up.

How could you be a psychotherapist and have your life be falling apart behind the scenes?

People come to you.

They want to help.

They want guidance in dealing with their negative emotion and understanding the self.

And you walk away sometimes like,

I don't even understand how I got here.

Let me explain.

People who heal,

People who coach.

You do it lots of times because you're trying to give people what you never received.

That's beautiful.

That's how we help push the world forward.

But here's the danger in being a healer.

In not healing the self first.

In not understanding the self.

In not waking up and regulating the self.

And I mean every day.

And I mean if you've got something going on in your heart space,

If you feel messed up,

If you feel like you're being capsized by your own emotions,

By the emotions of others,

Listen up,

Please.

Everything is vibrational.

As an empath,

You can walk into a room and you're going to pick up on the negative energies,

Which is the pain of another human being.

As an empath,

I don't care if you're an empath or you're highly empathic because of past abuse in childhood.

It matters not.

You still have to learn this about yourself.

If you're picking up on the energies of other people,

If you feel the need to help,

To rescue and fix because you're codependent and that's the only way that you get your identity,

Which is a psychological screw up.

In other words,

It comes back to our sense of self.

A codependent doesn't know that they don't have a healthy sense of self.

A codependent doesn't know that they bake 500 cookies for their kid's school because they don't feel good enough instead of baking the 30 that they were asked to bake and they're looking for the teacher and the PTA to think,

Oh,

Mary's so awesome because we need that pat on the back.

Why?

Because we're stuck in terms of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

We never got the sense of love and belonging that we needed.

We're still like a GPS looking and searching for the satellite signal because everything is patterns that we as vibrational creatures have been taught is outside the self.

I really hope you're writing this stuff down.

I'm dropping golden nuggets today,

Dear one.

Oh,

This is so important.

You keep looking for what you did not receive as a child,

But here's the freaking rub.

Because on a vibrational level,

Emotions are energy in motion and your emotions are following a pattern.

They're not neurological.

Your reactions are neurological.

Your needs are habitual.

The reticular activating system is,

Is,

Has been primed to seek approval.

So you keep seeking approval.

So you don't attract the guy who thinks you're freaking awesome because you're a kind person and you've got qualities that really float his cork.

You don't,

You're not attracted to him.

He's boring.

Your brain's like,

That's not what I'm looking for.

You can't give me what I need.

I need to be validated.

I have to search for validation.

I have to throw myself up against a rock to get validation.

No,

This is too easy.

Go away,

Guy.

You're just too nice.

Too nice.

How many of you listening have pushed away people and friends and romantic relationships and friends,

Neighbors that just like you?

Something wrong with him.

Something wrong with her.

They just like me because everything's vibrational.

Everything's vibrational.

The people you choose,

The food you eat,

It's following a pattern.

The way you drive to the mall,

It's a pattern.

The way you vacuum your rug,

It's a pattern.

Everything's a pattern.

Now,

Everything's a pattern.

We've established that,

Right?

So now you're an empath.

You've got this inner guidance system.

It's like a Bluetooth signal and you're tuned up for other people's pain.

If you're a healer,

You're tuned up to fix that pain.

You see the problem here in terms of quantum energy?

You're not attracting healthy people,

Dear one.

Okay,

Now,

It's not a bad thing to be empathic.

It's not a bad thing to be codependent unless you don't ever fix it because codependency gets worse,

Not better.

And you get drained,

And you get sick,

And you get ornery,

And you cry a lot,

And you feel overwhelmed a lot,

And you feel like your ship is going under,

But you don't know why.

And then you're mad at yourself because you're doing everything you're supposed to be doing.

Why am I still overwhelmed?

I should know better.

Now here comes guilt and shame.

Now you're at the lower end of the emotional scale that David Hawkins talks about.

You're in the gutter.

You're in the belly of the beast.

How'd you get there?

How'd you get there?

You know how you got there?

You connected with somebody else's shame like a portal,

Like a portal.

When you are highly codependent and highly empathic,

People are drawn to you because they can see that you have the light.

And if you're not careful,

And you don't cut those cords,

And you don't approach relationships in which you want to help people,

If you don't approach relationships in which you want to help people,

Understanding that there's a portal here,

There's a channel here,

And when I start talking to this person about her mother who is highly toxic,

I am open.

Not only will my amygdala fly back in time and have me remember somatic memories of my own toxic mother,

That's going to happen.

A portal to the past.

So you're going to have to deal with those energy because this person outside of you is activating that.

Now you're going to activate that wounded person's toxic energy,

Her negative energy,

Or his negative energy.

But guess what else you activate?

Their abusive parents' toxic dark energy.

So you're moseying along throughout the day,

Minding your own business,

Doing your healing,

Doing your meditations,

Doing your grounding meditations,

Doing your work.

So you're minding your own business.

You're going to your ACA meetings,

CODA meetings,

Whatever it is,

Whatever floats your cork.

You're bathing in Epsom salt,

Wonderful.

You're doing everything you're supposed to be doing,

Listening to high motivational,

Inspirational healing podcasts.

Good for you,

Dear one,

Kudos.

But here you are,

Boom.

You've been activated.

I want you to imagine a giant tunnel,

A giant quantum tunnel has just been opened between you and this person you're trying to fix or heal or be there for.

Empaths,

I got to be there for her.

I have to be there for her.

Empaths have to stop hanging the,

I care so much shingle outside their house.

Empaths have got to start to recognize when there's a spirit around you or a person who is carrying lots of dark energy.

Now,

I'm not saying that you can't transmute that energy.

I'm going to say that you're going to be much more effective if you recognize what is happening and you do some cleansing of your energy and you,

I believe,

Psychologically and cognitively through the left brain,

Through the logical mind,

Understand what's happening.

A portal has been opened,

A giant tunnel.

Imagine a tunnel that has been opened up from your entire solar plexus to this person who is so full of toxic energy.

And when I say toxic,

I mean pain energy,

Shame,

Confusion,

Hopelessness,

Powerlessness,

The worst emotions that a human being could feel.

A portal has been opened.

You are going to be able to feel that energy and you're going to assume it's your own.

Now,

I want you to imagine that this portal not only opens up,

But it also expands.

It gets larger.

And all of the people that have wounded this person that you care about is standing behind this original person.

Her mother,

Her father,

Her siblings,

Her husband,

Her ex-boyfriends,

The grandfather who wounded her as a child,

The ex-boyfriend who did damage,

All of those people's energy are flowing through her and to you.

Now you feel it.

So you're able to show up for her or him.

And they feel better because they have released all these energies and you don't realize they're like evil spirits.

They're like,

And I'm using that metaphorically to help you understand.

I want you to make a connection,

A visualization,

A metaphor.

Imagine that like Dracula,

Like a thousand Dracula bats have just like,

Now they've attached to your neck.

They've attached to your chest.

They've attached to your back.

Their fangs are in your back.

The fangs are in your neck.

The fangs are in your skull.

The fangs are in your lower belly.

They're in your legs.

They're in your hips,

Right?

They're energy vampires.

And that is why you will start to feel overwhelmed.

So you're showing up for other people,

But you're not really taking an inventory of how your empathy has really caused an issue because you don't have very good boundaries.

But how do you have boundaries in a situation where you don't recognize that you need them?

Because healers and coaches,

Psychologists and surgeons and bartenders even and hairdressers and first aid responders,

We're supposed to be there for other people.

Moms,

We're supposed to be there for other people.

Stepmoms,

Stepdads,

We're supposed to be there for our children.

Dads,

We're supposed to be there for our children.

But if we're not careful,

We will press this empathy button.

And despite all of the incredible work that we've done in ourselves,

We will lose ourselves.

We will let go of the steering wheel of our life and be capsized by the emotions of other people.

So what's the answer,

Lisa?

Right?

Because I'm not just about,

Oh,

Here's your problem.

I want to give you some actionable steps.

I think that's what separates me from a lot of other people is that I'm going to give you some key ideas.

So first,

Recognize that if you had a tough patient who's going through,

That you know,

Like had a really tough childhood and you had a tough childhood,

So your visceral somatic stored energy is going to get activated.

That's going to be an issue if you don't work on yourself around that.

Recognize that if you're highly empathic,

And let's face it,

There are doctors like,

Yeah,

Next.

There are life coaches who are like,

Next.

There are stepmoms who are like,

Next.

There are stepdads like,

Next.

There are people just like,

Okay,

Whatever.

They don't take it on.

But there are people like you and people like me,

Certainly,

Who really,

I can't help but walk into a room and be a sponge.

I think it's what makes me a great mom.

It's what,

Now that I'm aware.

I wasn't such a great mom when I wasn't aware because I was overwhelmed by my ex-husband's energy.

I wasn't as present for my children as they needed to be.

I was overwhelmed by the toxic inner child energy that he activated the not enough stuff and his family activated and my family activated.

As a highly empathic,

Codependent mother,

I was not present for my children.

I was capsized by my own inner child stuff.

Not anymore.

And I'm much better,

But I still have to wake up every day and do this work.

And that's why I continue to share people and I will,

Hopefully,

Until I can't share it anymore.

At least this is what I'm going to leave behind as a legacy for you,

For my children,

For the world.

And isn't that what we're all supposed to be doing anyway?

Learn something and share something.

And so I'm sharing this with you.

When you start to feel overwhelmed,

You have to really look at what's going on in your life.

Do I have a tough case?

Am I a psychologist?

And am I working with a patient whose life is similar to mine?

Or is this person's life so difficult?

Do I find myself thinking about this case when I'm home,

When I'm taking a shower?

Be careful.

A portal has been opened.

Are you trying to help a friend?

And do you find yourself ruminating about this person and her childhood or his childhood?

And are you totally irritated and frustrated and angry about the injustices?

Be careful if you can't let that go and you can't put it in its box that you need a boundary.

Be careful if you're trying to help a lot of people.

Is there a child in your life that you wish you could rescue?

Is there a friend that you're trying to help?

Is there a child that you're trying to help?

Is there an issue with your spouse that you know that your spouse is wanting you to do something and you're feeling overwhelmed for that?

You know,

On a day where your life is pretty easy and you're not overwhelmed by the buildup of people in your life that are hurting and the news that's going on and wars you can't solve and politics that you know is just propaganda on both sides and you can't fix this stuff.

But as an empath and a codependent,

It's not so easy for you to change the channel.

You feel like you're doing something wrong when you turn away from it.

Turn away from it,

Dear one.

You can't fix it.

And there are people who have a greater capacity to have boundaries that you don't.

You have to honor this about yourself because you are someone that doesn't have the skin,

The thick skin you need to be able to work in that arena.

That's why I donate money versus work in a physical capacity with the charities that I support.

I can't.

I'm going to take it on.

I can't because I'm a sponge.

And now I'm recognizing more and more like when I'm overwhelmed,

Why am I crying?

Like,

Why can't I stick with the meditation for longer than like two minutes?

Like what's happening?

And when I journal about it and I step back and I start to make an inventory of all of the people that I've tried to help,

Then it's like,

Oh,

I've lost myself.

The portal has been opened.

And so what you want to do is you want to wake up and make sure that you're recognizing what's happening.

And then what you want to do is like imagine yourself in that tunnel and you say to the inner child of the person that you know that you've been interfacing with on a quantum level,

You hand that child a rose and you ask that inner child to go back to the adult version of them,

The person you're trying to help in the real time.

And the inner child turns and integrates with that adult being.

And you imagine this integrated inner child and adult being walking towards the light.

And then you say,

Higher self of this person,

Please take care of them now.

Help me take care of them.

And then you imagine that there's this energetic cord between you and that person and you cut it.

You take out these golden scissors and you cut it and you let go.

You trust that the I am,

The higher power in that person is enfolding them in the light.

And you ask,

Even if it's a bunch of BS to your one,

You ask your guides to help you shield yourself from the energies of others that drain you.

You ask for protection from dark spirits and dark energies of others that you're wishing to help.

I know it sounds hokey pokey and some of you who are very logically brain like,

Oh,

Is Lisa lost her mind?

Trust me when I tell you,

Even if it's nonsense,

It's going to help you because the brain loves metaphors.

Doesn't have to be real.

Dark spirits don't have to be real for you to benefit from what I'm saying.

Don't believe me?

Try it.

Try it.

Ask your higher self to help you shield yourself from the dark energies of others.

Imagine that every energy vampire,

Every little energy bat is being sucked back down this tunnel and consumed by the higher light of the person you're trying to help or the person that you've crossed boundaries with.

Do that every day.

Ask your guides to shield you.

Imagine a column of beautiful light coming from the heavens,

Going down through your head,

Through your spinal column,

Through your tailbone,

Into the ground.

Imagine healing energy coming up from the ground,

Cleansing you.

Imagine every time you exhale,

Gray puffs of smoke,

Which is dark energy,

Travel down that tunnel and are consumed by the light at the end of that tunnel.

Do this while you're walking.

Do it while you're driving.

Imagine that.

Imagine that and you watch how your energy shifts and you watch how your boat pulls back from being capsized.

Don't give up.

Try this.

If you're an empath and a codependent.

Namaste,

Everybody.

Until next time.

Reviews

Discovering Lisa at my age, better late than never. Just what I need to hear. Maybe I can enjoy interacting with others and the world knowing I don’t have to take it all on. Going to rely on the adult version of myself and shield myself from the dark energy that is everywhere. Thank you, Lisa!

I found this information very interesting. I became empathic due to parental emotional dysregulation/abuse. however I’m more avoidant so I don’t relate across the board. I will listen again so I can understand more. Thank you for this video. It’s helpful to me.

Terrific talk! And very important. I had a great epiphany during it. Thank you, Lisa! 🙏🏻💚

Really good. This spoke to me . Thank You Lisa 🙏🌸✨️