How To Master The Mental Pause: Metacognition Trauma Tool

Master the Mental Pause: Stop the Reaction to Emotional Triggers

Have you ever wished you could stop reacting to emotional triggers before your nervous system completely takes over? When we carry unhealed childhood trauma or chronic anxiety, our brain operates on a subconscious hair-trigger—instantly plunging us into a state of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

In this class, breakthrough life coach Lisa A. Romano shares a powerful metacognition tool known as the Mental Pause. You will learn the exact brain science behind the automatic trauma loop and discover how to access the micro-moment of silence between a thought and a reaction.

By learning how to cultivate the space between your thoughts, you create a powerful neurological pattern interrupt. This practice allows you to step into your personal authority as a conscious observer, calm your amygdala, and experience true nervous system regulation. It’s time to stop surviving your triggers and start mastering your inner world.

Transcript

Have you ever been in a situation? Where someone says something to you and you have already told yourself, I'm not going to react the way I used to to that person. And you do. Maybe it's a narcissistic mom, Or a narcissistic dad, Or a sibling, Or a co-worker. Or maybe it's even your partner. And maybe you know that this person triggers you. And maybe you even know that the trigger goes back to childhood. And in this situation, You have the awareness that you have a trauma trigger. But you don't know how to master the pause between the stimulants, Stimulus and your response. One of the things that I've learned on my journey from emotional recovery, Codependency, And narcissistic abuse, Childhood emotional neglect, And all that jazz is that They don't change. It doesn't matter how much you fawn. It doesn't matter how much you people please. It doesn't matter. How much you try to change yourself, You try to fix yourself, Other people just don't change. And I have come to appreciate that in my old age, Because if they didn't change, Then I wouldn't have forced myself to change. If there was no pain and suffering in my relationships, I would have never gotten laser focused. I would have never dug as deep as I needed to dig to find the true Lisa, The authentic Lisa. I would have never known that so much of my suffering was because I was other focused. Because my wounded ego was running my ship. And because I was dancing with other wolves, I was dancing with other wounded egos. Maybe they showed up more aggressively than I did. Maybe they had a more conscious agenda than I did, But nonetheless. When you are other focused because you come from a life of pain and the only way to survive was through hypervigilance You don't know that you're not mastering the pause You don't know that there is a pause or you have the ability to pause you don't even know that that you're reacting. You don't know that you're in an automatic reflex that's been caused by trauma. So today we're talking about mastering the pause to reset your nervous system's wired response to what someone else says or someone else does. Now, Again, Like I said, If I didn't have the significant amount of pain in my life, I would never have dug this deep to figure out what I have figured out. And it's not just figuring it out, Right? Like there's this cerebral experience that you have to have like you have to wake up. Your mind has to go. Oh, That's what I'm doing. But there's also the somatic healing or the energy shift. Or the knowing that has to come online for you to really experience sovereignty and for you to stop being so worried about what's happening outside of you. Imagine being able to look at someone who you know is Trying to gaslight you and rather you then you have an opinion about it or a reaction to it You just say to yourself Wow, They're trying to gaslight me and you don't have an opinion about it. It's right. It's wrong There's no story attached to it. There's just Discernment, There's just identifying Wow, They're trying to gaslight me have a cup of tea and pass the butter like imagine in that type of power. And that is what you can create if you can master the pause. So what I want everybody to understand is that we're all below the veil of consciousness. We all have trauma. I don't care who you are. If you are born of a woman's womb, And you have been born to this world, And you have been born to people who are not advanced souls, Chances are you got some trauma there. Now, It might not be a big T trauma, But many of us struggle with not feeling good enough, Yada, Yada, Yada. But the idea is that we're all born Our hearts suffer, Our minds suffer. We develop these stories. We're in the ego. Ego is the product of the five senses. So whatever I see, Whatever I hear, Whatever I feel, Taste and touch. Goes inside this little box. Body within me that's called the ego. I develop a story about me and I live out that story. And I don't know that I'm living out this story. I don't know that I'm not my story. Now, Here's where it gets funky. I'm living out this story with other people who are in their story, Other egos, Other wounded egos now. If you have a wounded parent, Then they're going to wound your ego because they are not whole. They're hollow. And what they do then is they look to their children. Again, They're out of focus. They look to their children as a source of energy or Emotional supply and oftentimes that's through dominance and that's through power That's through parentification or triangulation or gaslighting But a hollow parent is an energy vampire to their child Because a hollow parent cannot sustain self-love. They can't take care of their own energy and So they look to others maybe through praise so they have this beautiful fantastic instagram profile and it's all a lie But hey, They're getting likes So they're getting their hits their energetic narcissistic hits from the outside Lots of narcissists will volley they'll volley from validation and praise and aren't I awesome this whole fake identity on one side of the aisle, But behind closed doors, They're getting their narcissistic power and supply from draining the energy of other people through dominance, Through triangulation, Through psychological abuse, Through put downs, Nitpicking, And all of that. So we want to see this as someone who is highly narcissistic has to get their energy Somehow from the outside the problem that that creates for the child of that parent or being raised in that home is You too now will be other focused by default. You have to be because you have to be hyper vigilant and Out of focused so that you can manage what's happening outside of you and also manage what's happening inside of you In my home, I knew I could not show my emotions to my mom because she would be more and more abusive if I did. The criticism would be worse. And so I had to shut down. So I was managing the outside by dissociating or detaching from what was really happening on the inside. What I could not feel, Let myself feel and or express what was happening inside. But I ended up being severely other focused. And that's the way I manage my life. And so we want to understand that this is a mirror. Everything's a mirror. So a parent who is highly narcissistic is draining energy from their child. A child born to a narcissistic parent is now also out of focused and Is trying to maintain their energy by appeasing the child, But they're stuck. They're stuck now When you are in this situation, One of the things that you can practice is mastering the pause now. Imagine that what you are exists between the gap between words the gap. Now imagine if you could understand that you were the gap. You are the awareness. You are the non-reactive beingness or awareness in the gap. Now imagine that space is you and imagine if you can sit in that space now. The reason we have to think about space is because when you come from trauma, There is no space. There is a stimulus and a response. Your neural pathways are very short. They had to be because you were not lapping it up and immersed and marinating in oxytocin. You were marinating in cortisol. And when you marinate in cortisol, You have to sleep with one eye open, Right? So you don't have the luxury of having this really long Fuse you have a short fuse and that is because you're wired for hypervigilance to keep you safe That is not your fault and it could be no other way. Okay. Got it. Good. You are enough dear one stick with me So we want to understand that. Is it really the person? Is it really my narcissistic mom right now? That's the problem that is trying to bait me into conversations or trying to guilt me. Right? Is she really the problem or is she her words to me? Am I being triggered? And is there now an automatic response happening within me that's tied to childhood? So is she a problem? Absolutely she's a problem, But it really is our perception of the problem that will alter the problem. As long as we stay in the loop of childhood, She continues to be as big as a problem as she was when we were three years old. But as you become adults, There's no reason anymore for this person who elicited this response. We were younger to have such control over our lives today. We can't develop. The ability to shift how we see her or him or whatever or whatever situation until we understand and we take accountability, Not responsibility because you didn't cause it, But just accountability. It's in you now. You have an automatic nervous system response to this woman. And to anyone that resembles her. And to any person that ever challenges you now, You now have a hardwired default response to this person, I. E. A trigger. That's why they call it a trigger. And isn't it interesting that a trigger on the gun is a trigger? Because once you pull that trigger, The bullet flies out of the gun and you really have no control over it. But now what we're trying to do is we want to understand that consciously we do have control or we can learn to practice control. This is all about self mastery and this is what I focus on in all of my teachings, In my private coaching and in my courses. Self-mastery do you want? Yes, This bad thing happened. Yes. This big bad wolf is trying to gaslight you. Yes She's trying to like energy vampire you like suck the energy out of you. Yes. She's trying to destroy your marriage. Yes She's trying to turn your kids against you. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes all of its true. Yes And unless you can master the space between your reaction to her. Then you're gonna stay on a Ferris wheel with her, And you're gonna go round and round and round, And that is karma. You will not escape the wheel of cause and effect until you decide to become the new cause of a new effect. I can tell you this works. But you can't be a hearer of the word. You have to be a doer of the word. You have to put this into practice. So. One of the practices that I took upon myself many, Many years ago had to do with slowing down my thoughts. So let's say I was driving in the car. Or I was walking, You know, Doing a walk by myself or whatever, Vacuuming, Doing mundane things, Putting makeup on, Whatever. You want to get in the habit of interrupting your thoughts. So you know how you sit in front of the the the mirror and you put your makeup on in the morning and your mind's just going That's what I'm talking about. You want to interrupt that inner self-talk and it could be as simple as that self-talk is Not me suddenly someone took control of the steering wheel of your mind you It could be as simple as you know, You're you take the dog out for a walk and your mind is racing. It's looping looping looping and you're looking around and you catch yourself and you say I am not Peace. Thoughts. And you say it over and over and over and over. That's the practice that you need before Snowball gets pushed down the hill what I mean by that is I always get asked this question in a live stream Lisa What do I do when and I answer it always the same way? You have to practice before you're put in a position to In which you need this work, You actually have to practice it. And that's what I do. I wake up every day. I'm committed. I don't care, You know, When you're committed, You're committed. No one's gonna tell me that I shouldn't be meditating every morning. I shouldn't be Learning how to master my mind There's no there's no soul on the face of the earth that is going to be able to tell me that Me not waking up every day gaining control over my carnal ego mind No one is ever going to be able to convince me that I shouldn't be able to do that ever. That's discipline That's commitment. And I can tell you for the people that. Commit to this self-mastery. No matter what's happened to them in their life, They will overcome. This is metacognition. And. Instagram and Facebook and YouTube and. Corporations and politicians, They don't want you to control your mind. They want to control your mind and they've been controlling your mind forever. And so the idea that. . . This idea, We have to understand there is not this great push for individuality at all. Religion separates us. Politics separates us, Right? So COVID separated us, Vaxxers from non-vaxxers. It was crazy. We're all human beings. What are you talking about? Oh, I'm gonna go off on a tangent. I don't wanna do that. But we have to understand that around us, We're not being taught to be sovereign. Around us, We're being controlled. Everything is about control, Controlling the narrative. And it happens in toxic families too. There's the control of the narrative. Mom's not a narcissist. You're just too sensitive. Dad's not drunk. He's just tired. You're just too critical of your family. Your brother isn't an alcoholic. He just likes to have fun. You don't like to have fun. You're just judgmental. OK, We hear this every day. It's so normal. It's sickening. And it's so upsetting. Just yesterday, My husband and I went out, Went out east on Long Island, And I saw this mom bending over and she was lecturing this little girl. And I really got triggered. Little girl had long frizzy brown hair just like me when I was a little girl. She was in a dress. She was eating chocolate ice cream. She had it on her dress and the chocolate ice cream had begun to melt and it was coming over the side of the cup. This mother was reaming into this little girl saying you ruin everything Everything is ruined by you. Look at the way you're eating that ice cream. Look at this. Look what you've done You just ruined it every time every time like berating her in front of strangers And I looked at my husband and I said, I want to go back there, You know, And of course we can't, You know, But my heart felt so bad for this little girl, But I made my point, You know, I spoke loud enough to like, Let the mom know. But at the end of the day. . . What am I what am I gonna do step in and become her mom? I can't but my point is That it is so normal to berate a child. It is so normal to separate a child from their self It is so normal to teach a child to worry about what other people think about you instead of teaching the child Are you enjoying that ice cream? Well, That was a pretty dress mommy got you, But you know, We could just throw it in the washer We get home. I'm just so grateful that we're out together. We're having a good family day and you're enjoying Enjoying that ice cream. You're so beautiful rather that the mother was berating this little girl. Little girl is going to have to grow up and master the pause Because her mother's voice is going to become her voice one day. I can't take you anywhere you ruin everything Look what you did. You're stupid. You're dumb. She's gonna take that on so we want to understand that there is an automatic reflex it it is it is governed by the subconscious mind the default mode network and And it's natural. It's part of the ego system and the nervous system now and the neurological pathways in our brain Because all we did as children was record record record What you're going to do is you're going to a you have to accept that Like you have to become super pragmatic about it like you can't control that you know There's an automatic program playing in the back of my mind, And it's not me It's it's what my limited consciousness is listening to and when I slow it down with the pause I am not my thoughts, I interrupt the pattern. I interrupt the rhetoric. I interrupt my mother's voice in my head. And that will begin the process of slowing down these responses and reactions to triggers. Now you have to practice this before Mommy Dearest shows up. At the softball game, Or you have to practice this before, You know, Your narcissistic dad shows up at the dinner table. You have to practice this now when you are triggered in the moment. What you say is, You notice what you feel. You pull your attention completely back into your body. And you say to yourself, I. Notice. My bodies. Responding. 2. I am Noticing. My body, Or really my body. Responding to this. Eventually, You'll be able to shorten it to I am noticing. I Um. . . Noticing. That's your mantra. Now, Why is this so significant? Because you are teaching your nervous system that the goal is to notice and not to react. The goal is to notice what's happening in the nervous system, Not to react, Not to control. Not to get angry, Not to try to push the other person away, Not to try to fix them, Not to argue. It is just I Um. . . Noticing. You can, I am noticing this reaction, But it's retraining the nervous system to be more familiar with how your nervous system is responding, Which takes the focus off of the reaction. So now think about stimulus A space reaction B. You are teaching your awareness to notice the space and to which will interrupt the reaction. Once you interrupt the reaction, You change your action and you change the outcome. Now in the beginning with the toxic family or with anyone, With the beginning of self-mastery, It's not easy. It's like, It's like trying to catch a greased pig. Your thoughts are on automatic. And we've got. Hollow people in your life and they're trying to trigger you because they have to get a reaction out of you so that they can feel alive. It's very tempting to just go back into the familiar. So you want to tell yourself right out of the bat. This is not going to be easy. This is going to take time, But you want to commit to it. Now, The people that will have the greatest, I would say, Success are people who are already driven by a desire to want to break free of this narcissistic crap. There's already a desire within them like, I'm done. I'm reactive. I think about them all the time. And I'm done. Like I want peace in my life. You're going to have the greatest impetus to want to continue when the going gets rough because the mind would prefer the familiar because it's easy. So you're going to have to. Recognize that this is going to take time. Now the other section of people that will have success with this are people that just don't like to be controlled by anybody. That was me. I don't want to be controlled by anybody. I was annoyed that someone could control me and get me to react like that. And I was annoyed that something inside of me that my mom and my father and generations before me infused into me that was controlling me too. So that ticked me off. So if you're driven by I don't want to be controlled by anything in or out of out of me. Then you're gonna do really, Really well. So that's really important. The third population of people that will do really well are just people who don't want the drama in their life anymore. Like, I just don't want the drama. If you don't want the drama then you're gonna move from stimulus to pause to reaction very, Very well, Because you're going to see the value of noticing Acknowledging Discerning. And knowing that you don't need to have an opinion about it. See, That's what gets human beings stuck. So if my narcissistic mother calls me up and she says something nasty to me, My ego says, Oh, She's doing it again. And am I right? And my ego's like, Well, I'm gonna say something back to her. Or I'm going to call my sister now. I'm going to call my brother now. And here I am in the process of creation and manifesting exactly what I don't want. Do I know I'm doing it? No, I don't know I'm doing it. But it's what I'm doing. When you get to a point in your life where you just want peace and you can take accountability for this idea that my thoughts really are creating my reaction. My thoughts are creating my life. They're influencing my decision. I just don't have control over my thoughts. Wow, Wouldn't that be great if I can gain control over my thoughts? That type of a person that wants peace in their life is going to recognize that opinions are what Drive you insane opinions create suffering So when I look at my narcissistic mother and I go oh There it is. She's pitting me against my brother again, And I just leave it there. She's pitting me against my brother again and I let go of the story I'm telling about it. She's doing it again. I notice it again. I can remain pretty peaceful. But the minute I say, Oh, My mother's doing it again and she shouldn't be doing it. And how dare she do it? Ah, This hollow personality. Has just taken energy from me. So self-mastery at this level is about owning your energy. And not giving your energy to other people. It's about mastering your focus. And the way that I started to master my focus was noticing the space between my thoughts. So I hope that this has been helpful. I hope what you're hearing me say is practice finding the space between your thoughts. Over and over and over again. So that when the trigger shows up, Your immediate reaction is not reaction. Your immediate reaction is to notice. The way, Or the way your body responds to this Trigger so we go from reaction being the goal to inner awareness. I hope this has been helpful. Bye everybody until next time

Reviews

Great stuff. Thanks Lisa.

Great content for me to process this week. Thank you.

🙏🏻

You are a true inspiration and I i’m so grateful for the work that you do. You have not only helped me understand that I have been narcissistically abused from my soon to be ex-husband, but how to navigate this divorce with a PAUSE! This talk was so helpful and thank you for the words to use when I feel triggered!