Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.
My name is Lisa A.
Romano.
I am a life coach,
Bestselling author,
YouTube vlogger,
Meditation teacher,
And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.
I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.
My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.
May your heart feel blessed,
Your mind feel expanded,
And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.
So today we're going to be talking about 20 truths a narcissist will never admit to when you first meet them.
Narcissism is pretty destructive.
And if you have ever loved a narcissist or cared for a narcissist,
Chances are you found yourself feeling pretty confused,
Not knowing what end was up.
If your life was calm and peaceful before,
After meeting a narcissist,
You can rest assured that your life is going to be full of drama.
You'll be blamed for everything.
Nothing will make sense.
Conversations will never get from point A to point B.
There will not be fairness in your relationship and you will begin to think that there's something wrong with you.
There are a couple of reasons for that.
Number one,
A narcissist is pretty convinced that they're better than everybody else.
If there's one telltale sign of narcissism,
It is that a narcissist really does think he or she is smarter than you,
More spiritual than you,
More intelligent than you.
Whatever you can do,
The narcissist can do better.
In the narcissist's mind,
You're a minion.
You're lucky that they're even talking to you.
They're doing you a favor by being in a relationship with you.
If they come to your house,
They're doing you a favor.
If they're sick and you bring them chicken soup,
They're doing you a favor.
Yeah,
A narcissist actually thinks that way.
And so I wanted to do a session to help people really hone in on some of the traits and some of the things that you could think about when you are in a relationship with someone.
I was just recently asked like,
Lisa,
Why is the field of narcissism so intriguing all of a sudden?
I don't think it's all of a sudden.
I think that we're finally getting language for what's been happening in our relationships.
We're finally understanding that codependency is a thing,
That emotional abuse is a thing,
That narcissism is really a thing.
And in the past,
Our relationships could have been like falling apart,
But we didn't have any words or any labels to help us understand,
Well,
What was really going on?
So if you married someone who consistently cheated on you,
You called this person a cheater.
But you might not have recognized the other signs of narcissism in addition to infidelity,
Like gaslighting or projection or entitlement or a lack of empathy.
You might have married somebody who you just could not get from point A to point B with,
Someone who was passive aggressive.
And you might have been trying to figure out why is my marriage failing or why is my relationship so difficult?
And you may have recognized this trait of passive aggressiveness,
But you might not have put the pieces of the puzzle together to where you were able to recognize narcissism.
So I think what's happening,
In my humble opinion,
Is that we're becoming smarter.
We're becoming more self-aware.
And I do think that as we become more aware ourselves,
More awakened ourselves,
As we have a desire to live above the veil of consciousness,
Recognizing that human beings are run by the default mode network in the brain through patterns and programs that were created before the age of seven.
Like whatever you experienced before the age of seven,
If you came from a loving home and you were taught that you were worthy just because you weren't raised with conditional love,
Thinking that you had to do something to gain love,
Then you might have an intact sense of self.
And so you might not struggle as much as maybe someone else who grew up feeling detached from the self or who grew up feeling not good enough because of emotional neglect or who suffered abandonment trauma.
And if you're somebody who has suffered from CPTSD,
Childhood emotional neglect and abandonment,
If your parents were narcissists,
Then you may have grown up feeling like you were not good enough.
You might not have a whole lot of self-confidence.
And relationships are going to be problematic when you don't have a self because if you don't have a self,
Then you don't know how to protect yourself.
You don't have a border.
You don't have a boundary.
You don't know how to say,
Hey,
Knock it off,
Mr.
Narcissist,
That hurts.
Or knock it off,
Mrs.
Narcissist,
That hurts.
You don't do it because you don't have a self.
And without a self,
You can't have boundaries.
You can't exert boundaries,
Which means that unfortunately,
When we're talking about patterns and programs,
People who don't feel enough,
People who lack self-love become exploited by people who are more grandiose in their perception of self.
It is literally like a hand in a glove.
And so I think it's important that as we get smarter and as we become more self-aware and as we turn to the internet,
As we turn to podcasts,
As we turn to people who have come through the codependent marriage or the narcissistic marriage,
People who have survived these relationships,
And we try to gain insight into how we can also make it through and what we can learn,
I think it's very valuable for us to get knowledgeable about the signs of narcissism,
Not only to help us heal from a relationship that was abusive or toxic,
But to also help us weave together an internal narrative that allows us to be more aware of what to look for in future relationships.
Because we know that narcissism is absolutely on the rise.
Social media is a place that is a breeding ground for narcissism.
And social media doesn't look like it's going anywhere.
And I think that it is very smart for people to begin to look at their own patterns of behavior,
Question their own intentions,
Question their own beliefs,
Take up the responsibility of healing within so that you can not only evolve as a human being and as a spiritual being,
As an integrated human being,
But also avoid pothole relationships in the future and manifest relationships that really have the ability to bear fruit.
And if you think about a fruit tree,
You want a fruit tree to bear fruit,
To bear healthy fruit.
And so that's where I think about relationships.
That's how I see relationships.
If you're in a healthy relationship,
Then that relationship should bear healthy fruit.
You should feel peaceful.
You should feel nurtured.
You should feel protected.
If you're in a relationship that's unhealthy,
Unfortunately the fruit will be bitter.
The fruit will be sour.
The fruit will make you sick.
You'll feel confused.
You'll feel dizzy.
You'll feel sick to your stomach.
You'll feel nauseous.
You won't feel good in your body.
You'll feel like you have food poisoning.
When you live with a narcissist,
When you love a narcissist,
That's what it feels like.
It's like emotional food poisoning.
And here's the rub though.
If you grew up in a very chaotic,
Very dramatic,
Very unpredictable home,
Then this type of chaos is your norm.
And so walking around with emotional food poisoning,
Sadly,
Is what you're used to.
And being in a healthy relationship that is sweet,
That is beautiful,
That makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside,
Is not your norm.
And so vibrationally,
It'll be a mismatch.
And that's why I think a lot of people self-sabotage.
Because if you come from a chaotic home that is unpredictable and you manifest a friendship,
Let's say a relationship with somebody who is pretty even keeled or fair,
It won't feel in alignment with you.
And it'll feel off and you'll self-sabotage it,
Unfortunately.
And what will feel more comfortable for you is a relationship that is more chaotic.
I've coached many people who say they want a peaceful relationship,
Although they've had a very chaotic childhood,
Unpredictable childhood,
And undoubtedly will coach and a situation will be remembered in which my client recalls pushing away someone that he or she felt was very even keeled.
And eventually they realize that I wasn't ready for that relationship.
And you can self-sabotage the relationship that you actually want.
And that's why I think that self-discovery work is so important.
And healing is so important so that we can line up with what we say we want and hold on to ourselves and our bodies and recognize when we're with somebody who feels like poison fruit or we're with somebody who feels like sweet fruit.
There's a huge difference.
And we've got to make sure that we are lining up with what we say we want.
And so getting clear about some truths that a narcissist will hide from you.
And I think it's fair to say that there are narcissists who know that they're narcissists and don't care.
And then there are people who don't know that they're narcissistic,
That really have no clue how they are coming off.
And what's really mind-bending is that they think they're right.
So someone could enter into a relationship thinking that they're highly emotional,
Emotionally intelligent and then be completely inconsiderate and lack empathy for the way they speak to someone.
It's really mind-bending when you're speaking to someone who has told you that they think that they're emotionally intelligent,
That they think that they're kind,
And they think that they have empathy.
The first sign of trouble,
They're projecting,
They're accusatory,
They're vindictive,
They lie.
And you might be standing there thinking,
Wait a minute,
This person just spent like six weeks telling me that they're empathic,
That they're kind,
And that they're doing all this type of spiritual work.
And yet here he or she is like discarding me and like treating me with complete indifference,
Like completely disrespecting me,
Accusing me of things that they're actually guilty of.
It's really mind-bending.
And if that's you,
What will happen is you'll start to feel sick in your being.
And that's what you need to pay attention to.
Now again,
The rub is if you come from a home where you were taught that your feelings were irrelevant,
Like mom's feelings trumped your feelings,
Or dad's feelings trumped your feelings.
If the children in the home were taught that their feelings were irrelevant,
When you get that nauseous feeling in your stomach,
When you get kicked in the stomach by your spirit and he or she is like,
Pay attention,
Pay attention,
This doesn't feel right,
You will misdiagnose that sign.
You will feel confused.
And if the narcissist has done a really good job at trauma bonding you,
Then you will assume responsibility for why the narcissist is discarding you,
Why the narcissist is being disrespectful.
Your mind will try to rationalize why they are being so harmful and toxic.
You'll assume responsibility for it.
And that's quite frankly what the narcissist wants.
Remember,
The narcissist thinks that they're better than you.
They really do.
And so let's talk about some of the truths,
The 20 truths,
And there are a lot of them,
But I just,
I'm hoping that this session makes things just a little bit clearer for somebody who is wondering if they are dating a narcissist or if they're married to a narcissist or if their friend is a narcissist.
This might help make things a little bit clearer.
So I have a right to lie to you at any time and especially if I feel you're going to try to hold me responsible or accountable.
So this is a truth that the narcissist will hide from you.
The truth is that a narcissist feels entitled to lie to you.
And if you begin to confront or challenge a narcissist,
A narcissist is going to dig their heels in deeper.
The narcissist is not going to tell you this,
But if you've met or married a narcissist or been in a relationship with a narcissist,
What you may have noticed is that when it was obvious,
The narcissist overreacted when the narcissist lied or manipulated a situation and you dare confront the narcissist just to even have a conversation about it.
What you'll notice is that there's no accountability.
They will either get angry and lie or just lie and remain calm.
But what you'll notice is that they feel entitled to lie.
And maybe you won't notice that right away,
But upon reflection,
When you begin to put the pieces of this crazy making puzzle together,
You'll notice like,
Wow,
He did that or she did that.
Where rather than say,
I'm sorry and I see my partner,
He or she just dug her heels in deeper.
And so a narcissist is not going to tell you they feel entitled to lie to you.
And especially when you try to hold them accountable.
The next thing that they hide from you is I'm not that interested in you and I'm only interested in keeping you interested in me.
A narcissist is not going to tell you they're going to keep this truth from you,
That they're really not all that interested in you.
They are superior to you in their head.
You are a minion.
You are going to be kept around for entertainment purposes only until something better comes along and the more interested you are in them,
The better.
But the truth is a narcissist is not all that interested in you.
They don't have the ability to be interested in you because when it comes to a narcissist,
They're operating from a position of grandiosity where they are better than you.
And so,
No,
They're not going to be all that interested in you.
They will pretend to be interested in you.
But in time,
You will notice that they begin to marginalize you and devalue you and ultimately discard you.
The next thing,
You are disposable,
Dear one.
Yes,
You are disposable.
Narcissist is going to hide that truth from you.
They may even be hiding that truth from themselves.
They will have a string of unhealthy,
Unhappy relationships and it will never be their fault.
It will always be the fault of the person that they're with,
Even though they are the common denominator and even though people are saying the same things about them,
That they treat them with indifference,
That they are aloof,
That they are condescending,
That they are disrespectful,
That they act entitled,
That they're rude,
That they're a bully.
They want to dominate.
They want to control.
They're pushy.
They'll hear these things over and over and over,
But it will always be the fault of someone else.
And this is because,
In their head,
You're disposable.
When a narcissist enters a relationship,
They're not entering it from the point of empathy and wanting to really bond with you,
Spend time with you,
Get to know who you are on a heart level so that the relationship can grow.
They're not interested,
Dear one,
And they're going to hide this truth from you and you will know this by the way that you feel,
By the emptiness that you feel,
By the confusion,
By the lack of connection,
By the fear that you feel.
The fear that you feel when you consider confronting the narcissist for treating you like you're disposable.
You will feel the fear from wanting to discuss anything with this person who is training you to be afraid to question them,
Who is training you to be afraid of expecting to be treated with respect because the truth is,
Dear one,
They think you are disposable and they really feel that way.
And so this is a truth that a narcissist will hide from you.
Another truth is,
I mean nothing I say.
So really mind bending that a narcissist feels entitled to say whatever they want whenever they want it,
To change what they say at the drop of a hat,
To have zero accountability for what they're saying and how it makes you feel,
How it makes your children feel,
Lying to their friends about where they're going to be and when they're going to be there.
And so they mean nothing that they say.
And you show up in a relationship wanting to connect to this person and you mean what you say.
You really want to get to know them.
It's coming from your gut,
From your root chakra,
Right?
Your heart space.
I want to get to know you.
I mean it.
I really want to get to know you.
And a narcissist,
Those words might come out of a narcissist's mouth,
But they don't mean it.
And in time,
You will notice the other signs of narcissism.
You'll notice the traits,
The negative personality traits in this person.
You'll notice that they are highly disagreeable,
That they are unforgiving,
That they are rude,
That they are arrogant.
In time,
You're going to see the other negative personality traits begin to surface.
But a truth is that they don't mean anything that they say.
Another truth is that I will hold you accountable for everything that you say and I will gaslight you until you are terrified to challenge me.
And so there's this double standard,
Right?
So a narcissist will hold you accountable.
They will listen to everything that you say so that they could,
Not because they care about you,
But because they want to hold your butt to the fire.
They want to say,
Oh,
You said this,
But you said that.
And they will hold you accountable.
They will twist your words.
You will feel persecuted,
But you're not going to be able to do that to the narcissist.
And in the process,
They are going to work at making you feel less than.
They will tell you that you have some emotional ineptness.
They will talk about your childhood and remind you of how defective you are.
They will remind you of all of your failed relationships.
Everything that you've shared with a narcissist,
They're going to use it against you.
And there's a reason.
They do this so that you feel like they're your savior.
That's why gaslighting works.
And so you'll feel like this person is your savior,
Your hero,
Your rescuer.
And in the meantime,
They're putting you down and making you feel less than,
Which is crippling your ability to challenge them on anything.
And so you will not be able to hold a narcissist accountable because they have crippled you from the inside out.
And this happens over time.
It doesn't happen all in one shot.
And so they lure you in good.
They make you feel seen.
They tell you what you want to hear.
They mean nothing that they say.
You will feel seen like never before.
And you will be gaslit to the point where if you dare to hold them accountable,
You'll be persecuted and punished.
And you will be conditioned to believe that the punishment is just too painful.
It's just not worth confronting the narcissist and you end up becoming a bobblehead.
You end up feeling like you have mashed potatoes for brains.
And that's what happened to my mom.
So she just got so tired of confronting my dad that she just ended up saying,
Okay,
Whatever you say all the time.
And she died that way.
So this stuff is very serious.
So another truth that they will hide from you is that I can treat you however I wish.
I can betray you.
And however,
You must always respect me.
So it's this idea that the truth with a narcissist is that rules don't apply to them.
Rules will apply to you,
But rules will not apply to them.
So that means that if you want them to come home at five o'clock like they said,
They're not going to,
But you have to.
You have to be home when they come home.
That means if they want to go to Vegas with their friends,
They can,
But you're not allowed to.
That means if they want to cheat,
They can,
But you're not allowed to.
So this is a truth that a narcissist will hide from you.
And you might not notice this right away,
But upon reflection,
When you start thinking back about and upon your relationship dynamics,
You're going to realize the hypocrisy and how a narcissist was constantly bending the rules to fit whatever situation was going on with them at the time.
Another truth is,
And that they will hide from you,
Is that I will accuse you of all the things I am guilty of.
A narcissist isn't going to put their cards on the table.
And like I said,
There are some narcissists that don't even realize they're doing this,
That they don't even realize they're accusing you of being manipulative.
Hello,
Of their being manipulative.
You'll be like,
What?
Like what?
I don't understand.
Or they'll accuse you of being.
.
.
It's almost funny.
They'll accuse you of being disrespectful and you have evidence to prove that they've been disrespectful.
Or they accuse you of cheating and they're cheating.
Or they accuse you of hooking up with an old boyfriend or an old girlfriend from Facebook and you don't even have Facebook.
And that's what they're doing.
So a narcissist,
Like I said,
Is not going to come out and tell you,
I'm going to project and I'm going to accuse you of everything that I'm guilty of.
But they're going to do it.
And upon reflection,
After the dust settles and after you have realized that you don't want to be in a crazy making,
Confusing,
Nonsensical,
Debilitating,
Emotionally volatile relationship anymore,
Toxic relationship.
Once you realize I'm done with unhealthy relationships and you look back,
This is something that you're going to see.
You're going to see this pattern.
So another truth that a narcissist will not reveal to you is that you will pay for every unresolved issue I have,
Although I will accuse you of doing that to me.
So what will happen in a relationship with a narcissist is that any unresolved stuff from their past that they haven't looked at,
Remember a narcissist can't look within,
They know they have a self,
But they're not self-aware.
So they're not self-insightful.
So they're very reactive.
They're very,
Very volatile.
They're very unhappy people.
They're easily irritated and they are high conflict personalities.
Everything's a problem,
Right?
Everything's a problem,
But it's you.
It's you,
Right?
You can be minding your own business,
Taking a nap for two hours,
And it's your fault.
Something happens and it's going to be your fault for why they're upset.
And so they will make you pay for anything that's unresolved in their past,
But here's the kicker.
They're going to accuse you of that.
So in other words,
They'll say,
You are treating me like I'm your mother and you're not.
You know,
But they are treating you like you are their dad.
And so whatever is unresolved in their past,
They'll come into this situation or the relationship thinking that everything's good.
It's not obviously,
That's why they're a narcissist.
And they will make you pay for feelings of abandonment.
They will be paranoid.
They will accuse you of trying to like mortify them,
To embarrass them in front of other people and you're not.
And they will accuse you of that,
Even though they're guilty of it.
And they will say that you are the reason for all their triggers.
And they'll accuse you of doing that,
Even though that's what they're doing to you.
So you're going to pay for whatever is going on that they have that's unresolved.
And they're going to tell you that that's what you're doing to them.
Another truth that they will hide from you is that this is what a narcissist feels,
But they'll never tell you.
I will always tell you you're wrong,
Even if I think that you're right.
And especially if I think that you're right.
Holy Hannah,
Holy Hannah.
You know,
Healthy people know that they're not perfect and they don't implode because they're not perfect.
Healthy people know that they're getting older and that gray hair and wrinkles and saggy skin is all part of the process.
And they might not like it,
But they embrace it.
And they aren't jealous of younger women or younger men because of the natural aging process.
So there's this idea that if you're healthy,
You live in the gray zone,
Not in the black or the white.
You recognize that aging is normal.
You recognize that you're going to mess up.
You recognize that you are a personality with lots of personality traits.
And hopefully the healthier personality traits outweigh the negative personality traits.
But from time to time,
You're a human being,
Your ego is going to get the best of you.
And because you are self-aware and because you have empathy for other people and because you really want to get along with other people,
You believe in connecting with other people.
You believe in the we,
You believe in humanity.
You believe in love,
You believe in growth,
You believe in really showing up for your partner and showing up for your family and your community.
You really believe in that.
You want people to know that you're sincerely sorry when you make a mistake or when you're rude or when you're obnoxious or when you're unkind.
You know,
When you do something,
You know,
That has caused you guilt,
That guilt serves you.
It's your conscience.
It's your Jiminy Cricket moment.
And if you're a narcissist,
You squash Jiminy Cricket.
If you're not a narcissist,
You listen to Jiminy Cricket.
You value what your conscience is saying and you allowed your,
You allow your consciousness to help you grow as a human being,
A human being that knows that he or she is going to make mistakes,
A human being that has empathy for other people.
So you say,
I'm sorry.
And you mean it.
But with a narcissist,
That doesn't happen.
So a truth that a narcissist will hide from you is that I'm always going to take the position that I'm right.
Even if I think you're right,
You're going to be wrong.
And I'm going to dig my heels in and I'm going to do everything that I can to convince you that you're wrong.
I'm going to do everything I can to convince you that there's something wrong with your perception.
There's something wrong with you.
You're inept.
How you're seeing this situation is wrong.
It's not me,
It's you.
And so that is a truth that a narcissist will hide from you.
And they may even be hiding that truth from themselves,
Which is so sad,
But you can't let a narcissist take advantage of you.
You can have empathy for somebody who lives their life this way and is never happy and just pushes people away with this type of personality issue,
But you can't allow them to abuse you because if you stick around long enough,
They will.
Another truth that a narcissist will hide from you is that I feel entitled to say and do what I wish.
And if you don't like it,
I'll just discard you.
Bye Felicia.
So a narcissist is somebody who really does think of people as discardable.
And so I'm going to do what I want.
And you know,
If that's cool with you,
Cool.
And if you don't like it,
You can leave.
Like it's this idea that there's no true desire to really connect with someone on a heart level and to work things out.
It's all about the I.
A narcissist is an I.
A narcissist cannot have a way.
When we think about emotional intelligence,
People who are considered to have high emotional intelligence,
They understand the value of working together as a team.
They know that you're going to get a lot further with a team than you are as a lone wolf.
But when it comes to a relationship with a narcissist,
What you will discover,
Unfortunately,
Or fortunately,
Depending on where you are in the cycle of the relationship,
If you are out of this cycle,
Then what it will benefit you to realize like,
Wow,
It was always about his eye or always about her eye.
It was never about we.
And even when I tried to come at it as a we,
He or she,
Meaning the narcissist made it about the I.
It's really mind bending because if you're coming at the relationship thinking that you're a way and this person is accusing you of things that you're not guilty of,
Or they just discard you,
It can be really psychologically mind bending like what just happened.
It doesn't make sense.
One of the things that I always tell my clients is that when you try to explain what happened,
If you're having a difficult time formulating the sentences to explain like a narrative that makes sense,
That's a problem.
I remember when I used to try to explain to my best friend what was happening between me and my ex husband and my brain was searching for how do I make this sound logical?
I couldn't because it wasn't logical.
What was happening wasn't logical.
It was crazy making.
Why would he say that?
Well,
I don't know why he would say that.
It doesn't make sense to why he said what he said is what I found myself saying.
I don't know why he's so aloof.
I don't know why he's so passive aggressive.
I don't know why he keeps calling me crazy.
I don't know why he won't go into therapy.
I don't know why.
Then you find yourself trying to excuse the abuse of the narcissist.
That's a problem.
That's a telltale sign that something's toxic.
Really relationships are explainable.
They make sense.
If you're dating somebody who after six months is just not feeling it,
They have respect for you and they say,
Listen,
I really think you're a wonderful person.
You're a wonderful woman and I really had a lot of fun with you,
But I'm not feeling it and I want to be honest with you.
I love this about our relationship and I love this about our relationship,
But I don't know what happened.
I was into it,
But I'm just not feeling it anymore and I think you deserve for me to be honest with you because you deserve to be with somebody who is on your wavelength and who you click with.
Now I can turn around and say to my friend,
Yeah,
We dated for six months,
But you know what?
He just wasn't feeling it.
It was great.
We liked a lot of the same things,
But after six months,
I don't know,
He just wasn't feeling it,
But it was very kind on the way out.
He let me know how he was feeling and I'm so thankful he was honest with me and it didn't take me on this merry-go-round of gaslighting me,
Discarding me,
Marginalizing me,
Disrespecting me.
He just kind of told me,
I think it's time for me to move on.
You can explain what happened to your friend.
Not so when you're dealing with a narcissist.
You find yourself searching for how can I make this make sense?
You can't.
It's like,
I think it's Dr.
Romany that says if you feel like you need a third party to witness your conversation or you feel like you need to record your conversations,
That's a sign you're dealing with a narcissist.
And so that's important for you to remember,
Right?
Another truth that a narcissist holds but will never tell you is that I don't love you.
I love what you do for me.
And so we have to understand when it comes to love,
And I think this is,
You know,
We can all be very naive in relationships.
I know I was.
I just assumed everybody loved the way I did.
So if I felt like I would never cross a line with someone,
I would never cheat on someone,
Or I would never mock someone or never exploit someone's vulnerabilities,
I kind of assumed that the person who said I love you to me was playing by the same rules.
And that's just not the truth.
You learn that the hard way.
And so when it comes to a narcissist that says I love you,
The truth is a narcissist loves what you do for them.
So you marry a narcissist who lives in a big house and swept you off your feet,
Moves your kids into the house.
And before long,
He stops coming home,
But you're doing the laundry,
And you're mowing the lawn,
And you're there when he comes home,
And you make him look good,
Right?
So everyone thinks he's got his life together because he lives in a nice house,
He has a beautiful family.
You don't realize that the narcissist never loved you.
The narcissist loved what you can do for him.
He saw an opportunity.
He saw that you had a need and he exploited it.
And now you live in this cage.
And everyone thinks that you're the luckiest woman in the world to marry somebody who lives in this beautiful house,
But they don't know what's really going on.
They don't know that the narcissist has a double life.
They don't know that the narcissist has found ways to convince you to quit your job.
And so now you have no means for financial stability.
So now you rely on the narcissist.
This is one situation.
So when it comes to a female narcissist,
A female narcissist loves that,
This is heterosexual,
A female narcissist will love what you can do for her,
How you make her feel,
The praise you give her,
How special you make her,
The status that you offer her,
The way you gloat around her.
She'll love that,
But she won't love you.
Those are just a few things to keep in mind.
So another truth is that I will never see your side of things.
So a narcissist isn't,
Oh God,
A narcissist,
It'd be so much easier if they just came in and told us this,
Right?
But they don't.
But the reality is that a narcissist is designed,
And I've said this in past sessions and past videos and past podcasts,
Is that a narcissist is wired to not hear you.
And so you're just a bunch of want want to a narcissist.
They're faking their interest in you,
But you don't know that.
So you're pouring your emotions out into a narcissist and they're literally wired to not hear you.
Wouldn't it be awesome if you knew that before you invested in a narcissist?
I think so.
I think there's a lot of value in that,
Quite frankly,
Do you want?
Another thing,
A narcissist's truth is I will never treat you fairly.
No.
So a narcissist might enter a relationship telling you that they're fair,
They're interested in fair play,
But when you're dealing with them one to one,
You'll notice that you're never treated fairly.
You're always treated with indifference.
They're always aloof.
They're always condescending.
Sometimes they're more condescending in front of their friends or behind closed doors.
It really does depend on the situation.
But what you'll notice is that no,
A narcissist will never treat you fairly.
Narcissists will always be one sided.
And again,
Going back to if you confront them or you challenge them,
You're going to be persecuted,
Which is not fair.
Another truth is I will always bring drama into your life.
I would have liked to have known that one.
You know,
Narcissists don't care about boundaries.
They annihilate your boundaries.
So you have to understand that they're going to say and do things and behave in ways that bring you drama.
So they will exploit you.
They will get you to do things for them,
Manipulate you into doing things for them that cause a problem for you.
If you're dealing with a narcissist who is an alcoholic,
For instance,
And just treats you poorly and cheats on you and convinces you that you're the reason that he or she is cheating on you,
That's a whole lot of drama.
Who needs that?
That's craziness.
That's crazy making.
And so it's important to remember that when you look back on this narcissistic relationship,
You will notice that the narcissist brought a whole lot of drama.
Just every way you turned.
You had peace for just a little bit of amount of time.
And the slightest thing,
They could turn into a complete crap show.
Arguing,
What are we arguing for?
Making things up,
Creating storylines in their head about you that do not exist.
Again,
Because they're projecting and they're gaslighting you because it has to be your fault.
So no,
No,
No,
No.
There's always going to be drama in your life.
So another truth is that no,
I won't listen to you and I will not remember what's important to you.
A narcissist will pretend to remember or well,
In the beginning,
The narcissist might remember certain things about your life to make sure that you're your love bomb,
To make sure that you're interested.
You know,
Whenever I think about a narcissist in the beginning,
I always think about fishing.
And you know,
When you're fishing,
You use a lure.
And the narcissist,
If you're thinking about a narcissist,
The narcissist fish fishes this way.
And love bombing is the bait,
Right?
And when you're fishing,
The fish never see the hook.
They only see the bait and the lure or the allure masks the hook.
And so yeah,
In the beginning,
A narcissist may remember certain things about you,
But before long,
You'll find that the narcissist is completely distant.
And then narcissist actually has no interest in what you have to say or in remembering things that are important to you.
So that is something that you will absolutely notice.
Another truth is I will deliberately mess with your head so you think you're crazy.
Yeah,
They do that.
And so they will jack with your head.
They will convince you that you're wrong.
They will poke fun of you.
They will comment about your weight.
They'll comment about what you're eating.
They'll comment about the way that you walk,
The way that you talk.
They'll find ways to insult you.
If they do something wrong,
Like I said,
If they're unfaithful,
They'll comment about your sex life.
They'll bring up something that happened a long time ago.
They'll throw the kitchen sink at you to throw you off track so you can't stay on point,
So that you can't get from point A to point B.
And they will deliberately mess with your head so that you think that you're crazy,
So that you assume responsibility for everything that's happening in the relationship.
Remember,
Because this allows the narcissist to maintain their grandiose sense of self,
This sense that they're smarter and better than you.
And this feeds into their entitlement and their lack of empathy for you.
And so they have to convince you that you're crazy because if you don't think that you're crazy,
Then that narrative doesn't work for them.
And so it's very sad and it's very dysfunctional,
But it is what it is.
So another truth is that narcissists fear humiliation.
And so one of the worst things that you can do to a narcissist is basically humiliate them.
I don't suggest doing that because depending on what type of a narcissist you're dealing with,
You could be dealing with a very,
Very vindictive narcissist that just doesn't know when to give up.
There's no telling how far a narcissist will go once they feel like they're losing control over you,
But they do absolutely fear humiliation and being mortified.
Another truth is that a narcissist is a chameleon.
So a narcissist's truth is,
I'm a chameleon and I will lie to you to gain any source of narcissistic supply.
And so you don't know it,
But when you're dealing with a narcissist,
A narcissist is a chameleon,
And if they have to put on a performance to gain a source of narcissistic supply,
They're going to do it.
You're going to hear all sorts of stories from the narcissist's mouth.
They may even come home and brag about the lie that they told someone at work to get a promotion.
They may even lie about someone at work so that that person doesn't get the promotion and they won't feel any remorse about it.
Remember a narcissist isn't going to have remorse.
Narcissist isn't going to have guilt.
They're not going to have the shame or the cognitive dissonance a healthy person would when they hurt someone or when they lie to someone.
So no,
A narcissist is not going to have that cognitive dissonance that you might have if you lied.
And so another truth is that I will fake empathy when necessary,
But no,
I don't really know how to feel for you.
And so narcissists isn't going to tell you that they're faking empathy.
They're not going to tell you that.
And it might take a while for you to figure it out,
But a truth that a narcissist is hiding from you is that in order to gain you as a source of narcissistic supply,
In order to convince other people that they should trust the narcissist and sleep with the narcissist or whatever,
Find value in the narcissist,
The narcissist is not going to tell you they really don't have that emotional feeling of empathy.
They really don't have the ability to have that emotional experience healthy people have when other people are hurt or when you hurt someone and you know that you've made someone feel bad by saying something rude or dismissive,
You're being dismissive or callous,
You'll have an emotional reaction like,
Oh,
I can't believe I hurt that person.
Look,
I made that person sad.
You'll have an emotional reaction to that.
A narcissist won't,
But they're not going to tell you that.
And they're not going to tell you that they'll fake empathy in order to gain and keep a source of narcissistic supply.
And the last one is I will never take accountability.
So if you love a narcissist,
You are going to be involved with someone who consistently feels entitled to exploit you and who feels like they have the right to avoid accountability.
A huge red flag of narcissism when you're dealing with somebody who has narcissistic traits is that you'll never hear,
I'm sorry,
You'll never hear anyone say,
I should have never said that,
I should have never done that,
I can see how I screwed up,
I could see how this was just a miscommunication,
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings,
I never want this to happen again,
Please forgive me.
You're not going to hear that.
You're going to hear a whole lot of,
It's your fault,
I'm perfect,
And there's something wrong with your perception,
You're inept,
And you're lucky that I'm hanging out with you.
That's what you're going to get.
So I hope this session has been helpful and made things a little bit clearer for you.
Namaste everybody,
And don't forget to thank.
Bye for now.
