Mindfulness And Identity

In this talk, we'll explore the topic of identity, and how to have a healthy, mindful relationship with it as you move through the world. Some identities you choose and some are given to you. What does it mean when you grow and change?

Transcript

Welcome.

I'm glad you're here for this talk on identity.

And it's such an interesting topic,

Especially now as we're moving into October.

And in October,

We have this holiday in the US called Halloween.

And it's often about costumes and putting on masks and just playing with your sense of identity,

Who do you present yourself to be in a playful way.

But especially in the meditation and mindfulness teachings,

There's a lot of other aspects to identity that we can explore and bring that gentle curiosity towards as we begin to understand how do we relate with our sense of identity?

And how do we include the fact that we're always growing and always changing,

As well as needing to move through the world in a way that is often related to our identity.

And that might be with respect to your career or your profession.

It might be related to your marriage status,

Or to your gender identity or sexual orientation.

It might even be with respect to the organizations that you're a part of the schools you went to or the companies that you work for.

And what I found as a person and also as a teacher is that it's so important to have a mindful relationship to identity,

Because it is very useful in the course of being a human and moving through the world.

So for example,

You have a name.

You might even have many names,

Depending on who you are speaking to.

You might have your nickname,

You might have the name that your family called you when you were a kid growing up.

You might have a professional name.

You might have different kinds of names.

And we understand that you are not your name.

Your name can change.

Your name is not who you are.

But it is something that you use and that you can include as part of your identity as you move through the world.

So I want to begin with this idea,

Right?

You move through the world,

You choose an identity,

Or you reckon with the identities that have been bestowed upon you by others.

And at the same time,

You are always growing on the inside.

And sometimes you may outgrow the sense of self that has served you in the past.

One example from my own life is that I used to be a lawyer,

And I worked in a legal publishing company in a large corporate organization.

And when I was considering changing careers,

There was a lot of fear and a lot of pressure that I felt around what that meant for my identity.

If I was no longer a lawyer,

Then what did that mean?

Did it mean that I was throwing away all of the work and all of the time I had put into claiming that identity?

And also this fear or feeling of who would I be if I was not that,

If I was not that career?

And I see this with some of my students too at different stages of life.

And it might be around when your kids grow up and leave,

Go out on their own,

That sense of wow,

Like,

Who am I when I am not completely filled by giving all of my attention and time to my family?

Or if you are making a career change or a career transition,

And you're thinking who am I when I am not valued based on the work I do for this organization?

These questions about who am I and what are the names or the labels that I use to help define myself and move in the world are all a part of this conversation.

So they are useful,

But they're not who you are.

And so we want to be mindful that we're not attached to them.

We're not clinging to or trying to fix in some kind of static,

Permanent way,

This understanding that we are a person who assumes an identity who uses and builds one,

But it's not who we are.

It simply becomes like a tool,

A useful shape that we can take in the world.

This also makes me want to remind you to grant yourself room to be tender and messy and uncertain.

Because sometimes that's exactly what you need as you grow.

As a human,

You are always vast,

You are dynamic,

You're always learning,

And you're always becoming.

And this can be playful and fun.

Like if you think about playing dress up and I'm going to put on this identity and I'm going to be a pirate,

Or I'm going to be a dancer,

Or I'm going to be a monkey or I'm going to be a cat.

We can have fun as we play with different identities.

But it can also feel risky and scary.

Especially if it feels like certain relationships or parts of your life are depending on a particular identity that you hold.

And that might be you identifying as the one who can solve everybody's problems.

Or it might be around a career.

Like for me,

As I was thinking about leaving law,

Part of me thought,

Oh my gosh,

But my parents are so proud that I'm a lawyer.

And if I leave,

Will I somehow be disappointing them or letting them down?

Like what does my sense of identity like what else is relying upon that,

If anything,

So it can feel risky,

It can feel scary.

And I want to invite you to breathe.

When you notice that fear in your body,

That tension,

Take a breath,

Breathe.

And just begin to notice in yourself and in our practice,

It's such a great opportunity to become curious about the little voice on the inside.

Who are you being called to become?

How are your heart and soul speaking to you?

What other versions of you want to take up space in your life?

Maybe you've never thought of yourself as a creative person,

But now you are feeling something inside you,

Really yearning to take up more space,

A desire to explore creativity,

Even though you might have thought,

Oh,

I'm not that creative.

Listen to that quiet voice on the inside.

Because it's often in those small moments in our daily choices that make this big difference with respect to our relationship to identity.

It's one breath at a time,

One decision at a time,

One moment at a time that we discover and create ourselves over and over again.

So my perspective is that we want to be in a mindful relationship with identity,

So that we bring it with us and let it support us to the extent it is useful.

And that when it gets in the way,

We consider,

You know what,

Maybe I don't have to be this anymore.

Whether it's a career,

Or whether it's something you say about who you are.

You might say,

I am a person who just doesn't socialize well.

I always have a hard time with that.

Maybe that was true in the past.

But maybe what would happen if you let go of that identity?

What if you decided that in this moment,

When you were connecting with somebody new online,

What if you were just curious,

And you showed up without that belief or that identity of I am this way.

As you learn and grow,

It's important to acknowledge where you are,

But also to be continually open to discovering who are you becoming.

We don't have to carry all of our past with us.

It does shape and carry us forward.

And we can be grateful and appreciative and hold so much compassion for the journey for all of the different versions of yourself that you have been.

But remember that every moment is new.

Remember that you always have available the choice.

Who am I in this moment?

How would I like to be?

Be curious.

See where that brings you.

And then when you are out in the world,

You can use different aspects of your identity if they're helpful for creating connection,

Or just helpful for moving through the world.

I mean,

Sometimes you simply need a name,

Something for people to call you.

It would become very difficult if someone said,

Yes,

Can you please tell us your name?

And you said,

I am not my name.

I am that which cannot be contained by a single word or sound.

And they would say,

Yes,

But we still need you to fill out this form.

So we can work with a name or an identity without becoming confused about that relationship,

Recognizing that it helps us.

And when it doesn't,

Remembering that we can set it down,

Make a new choice,

Be curious,

And explore.

Thanks so much for listening and continue to be curious about your own practice and your own identity as you move through the world.

Reviews

Fantastic reminder that identity is moment to moment and not defined by stories or the past. Thank you 🙏

struggling with sexuality right now, this really gave me comfort

Wonderful explanation of identity. Thank you! :)

Dear Kim, thanks for these many aspects on identity! However, I am a little confused about the difference between identity and role or function. Being a lawyer or a mother or ..., I would call a role but not an identity.
There is a very interesting practice where you reflect about your say 6 most important roles in your life and rank them. Then, staring with the least important one, you discard or remove this role (without any catastrophe happening) and think about the consequences and feelings. As you continue, you will get to your most important role and thinking of discarding it might be nearly impossible. But doing so, you will approach your inner core, your true identity ...

Great insights and reminders, thank you. Love and blessings 💖 x

WONDERFUL topic with some great Food for Thought❣️🙏🏻💕