Redefining Love For True Connection: Eros Part I

This is the third reading of four from my book "Tantric Intimacy"

Eros is the love that we feel with only certain special people. The key is that it only thrives within the love of agape and philia. It is within this kindness and trust that true passion is possible. This is where we are able to truly let go and experience what is possible. This reading is in two parts. This is the first of those two.

Transcript

Chapter 4,

Eros,

Romantic Passionate Love.

Eros is the kind of love that feels like some kind of cosmic draw.

When we see this person,

We get butterflies in our stomach.

We can't think straight,

We miss them when they're gone,

And we look forward to the next time we see them.

We are made for this kind of connection.

It puts a spring in our step and a smile on our face.

Eros further deepens the connection that starts with Agape and Filia.

Through this level of intimacy,

We can experience each other's souls.

We can explore unknown realms together.

We can truly merge and experience infinity.

This is where magic happens within a couple.

When we have the passion of Eros,

Within the safety of Filia and the kindness of Agape,

We become the energy beings that we truly are.

All of our walls come down.

The river of energy between us flows unimpeded.

We can truly merge with the other.

Then,

The passion of Eros increases the flow of the river,

Allowing us to feel pleasure and bliss that is out of this world.

We are often taught that this magical excitement is simply infatuation and that it wears off in time.

We are told that this is the honeymoon period of love,

And it is meant to end pretty early in the relationship.

But it isn't true.

The honeymoon isn't meant to end at all.

We haven't been taught how to keep this passion alive.

If we are lucky,

We saw it modeled for us by our parents and naturally expect it in our own lives.

But for many people growing up,

There wasn't even the kindness of Agape towards the children or between the parents.

In this case,

We won't even believe Agape is possible,

Let alone Filia and definitely not Eros.

We might still desire sexual passion,

But without the loving kindness of Agape or the safety of Filia,

It will be a volatile relationship at best.

Plus,

Historically in the Christian Church,

Lust,

Passion,

And sexual attraction were considered sinful.

Marriage was for procreation and to be faithful to each other.

In other cultures,

Marriages were arranged for economic and social purposes,

And many other marriages were for less than desirable reasons.

There was definitely no love or connection.

The chance for Eros to start,

Let alone continue,

Was impossible.

Your best hope was to have Agape and Filia with your partner.

These were considered pure forms of love.

This model has been the precedent for many generations and still lives on on some level within many of us.

The common reality today is that many of us create this honeymoon period ourselves.

We start out with passion,

Kindness,

And trust with each other.

We are on our best behavior in the beginning because we feel attracted to this person and we want to be together.

But then,

Once we've got them,

We stop being so careful.

We aren't always kind.

We aren't always there for each other.

We stop feeding the fires of our passion.

We have a choice to make in every moment.

This love between you weaves together a cloth that connects you.

Every time we are genuinely loving towards the other,

We add to the cloth,

Increasing our connection.

Each time we are unkind or unsafe,

Threads are cut.

The Tree of Love A tree is a beautiful way to understand how love builds upon each other to keep Eros alive in your relationship.

The roots of our love is Agape.

This is where we deeply connect with each other.

The stronger our kindness and respect for each other,

The more nourishing is our relationship.

From this strong foundation of kindness,

Respect,

And connection grows Phelia,

The trunk and branches of our tree.

We are truly each other's best friend.

We can confide in each other.

We can count on each other to want to be there.

We enjoy each other's company a lot.

From this healthy and strong tree,

Beautiful leaves and blossoms can grow.

The stronger the tree,

The more blossoms we have.

Our relationship is a living thing.

Love cannot be promised and then ignored and put on a shelf.

This is like the tree never getting water or sunlight.

It will eventually die.

Similarly,

Every time we are unkind or we disrespect each other in any way,

We damage the root,

Which starts to systematically starve the whole tree.

Also consider that sometimes the tree is alive with blossoms,

And other times there are only leaves.

Perhaps in the winter,

The branches are bare.

We experience this in our love as well.

Perhaps you're going through a difficult time in your lives,

Job loss,

A death in the family or illness.

At this time,

The passion of eras might not be in full bloom,

But the roots and the tree are still there.

They are still alive.

You can still nourish yourself in the safety,

Kindness and true affection.

Plus,

It is during these hard times that our root system becomes stronger.

The whole tree is nourished.

Because the tree is so strong,

No one is worried about the lack of blossoms.

You know that soon spring will come,

And you will have more blossoms than ever.

Deepening your love.

The answer is to stay lovers forever.

Keep the play.

Keep the passion.

Keep the flowing love.

We can keep house and pay the bills with lots of people.

We can even go to a sperm bank and have children with anyone.

But we can't be lovers with just anyone.

If you find someone special,

Then being lovers is the greatest thing you can have together.

This is the passion that invigorates us.

It's what makes us excited to be alive.

It fills us with joy and happiness that doesn't happen anywhere else.

When we are lovers,

It is all about the flame of passion between us.

It's about the connection.

It's about exploring each other's souls.

It's about having experiences in the world together,

And the connection is the ultimate point.

And so,

We do things to deepen it,

To make it stronger,

To nurture and feed it.

When we are lovers,

We realize how precious it is to have this kind of connection.

We are so grateful to have found this other person that we want to do things with them.

We want to do things for them.

It isn't work or expectation.

We desire it.

We want to explore more.

We want to see them smile.

The challenge of lust.

What is the difference between eros and lust?

Eros is passion with love and connection.

Lust is passion without love and connection.

Lust feeds our primal wiring to procreate.

We don't need emotional connection to make it happen.

We can walk down the street and see someone we find attractive,

And we can practically feel our hormones rise.

This is not eros.

It is lust.

It is our hormonal reaction to potential mates.

The challenge with lust in our society,

And the reason that women tend to be more hurt by casual sex than men,

Is that we don't get what we wanted out of it.

In the animal world,

If a female animal is in heat,

The primal desire to have sex is in order to be impregnated.

There are mating rituals that they go through in order to attract a suitable mate with strong genetics to create healthy offspring.

Similarly,

The male will seek out a female who is healthy enough to carry his offspring and care for it.

Then the two animals mate.

The female is impregnated.

She is content.

The male has spread its seed.

So he is content.

All is well.

But of course,

When this plays out in humans,

It's not so good.

The human generally does not desire pregnancy.

She desires love.

There are exceptions,

Of course.

For many women who are trying to get pregnant,

They might get total satisfaction out of purely physical sex.

They don't care if it's good sex or if they orgasm.

There is a mechanism inside that knows that they want to be impregnated right now,

And they simply need the man to make it happen.

Yes,

There are times when women may want to have casual sex.

A desire for any kind of sex can happen in their most fertile parts of their cycle.

Of course,

Because they don't have the desire to get pregnant,

Satisfaction will matter more.

However,

They will generally be disappointed.

For the most part,

Casual sex tends to not be great,

And there is just something missing afterwards.

Deep down we know that if it was going to be truly primal sex,

Then we should have gotten something more out of it.

It's also interesting to note how many women find their desire for sex diminishes after menopause.

They no longer have that time of the month where they are satisfied with physical,

Procreative type sex.

If that has been the only kind of sex that they normally had in their lives,

Then they will accurately say that they aren't interested in having sex anymore.

But are they interested in true lovemaking or tondric intimacy?

This is a whole other story.

The greatest challenge of lust is that it only feeds a small aspect of who we are.

The physical desire to procreate perhaps lets off steam.

Some call it sex for sport,

It's just something we do,

It feels good,

We like it.

Of course,

It was designed to feel good,

Good enough that we will crave it.

But this is only for our physical pleasure in the moment.

When we meet someone who we feel passion for,

And we are looking for something more than sex,

We normally slow down to get to know them.

We develop connection,

We learn about them,

We develop agape and philia.

We create a bond.

Somehow we know that this connection is necessary for the relationship to truly go anywhere,

For true eros to exist.

We may not use these words,

But we know that we want something more.

We want the lovemaking to mean something.

Lust vs.

Eros for ourselves One cultural belief that lives on in many of us is that sexuality and spirituality cannot coexist.

We are taught that sexual desires are in opposition for the desire to be close to God.

We often have shame and guilt attached to enjoying sex,

Letting ourselves go,

And fully embracing our life force in a sexual way.

Much of the origins of the Christian belief that lust was evil came from St.

Augustine in the early 5th century.

Due to his own confused and sexually charged adolescence,

He was tormented that these desires had nothing to do with love,

Procreation,

Connection,

Or God.

He coined the term concupiscence,

Which is often defined as desires of the lowly appetites,

Or fleshly desires.

He decided that the lust of his flesh was working against his connection to God.

This was compounded by very influential monks at the time,

Like Jovinian,

Who believed that celibacy was the only way to be close to God.

This became the roots of our current belief that sex is dirty,

Unspiritual,

Lowly,

And only satisfies primal needs.

This belief was applied to the story of Adam and Eve and how they succumbed to their desires.

Lust and sex became original sin.

Sex and desire became bad.

This is a belief that still flows under the surface for many of us.

Many believe that sex is dirty and feel guilt if we want it or genuinely enjoy it.

Or,

On the other side,

We see sex as our way of rebellion against society,

So we sleep with anyone we want,

Even to our own detriment.

This rebellion is still accepting the original belief that sex is bad,

Otherwise it wouldn't be rebellious.

It's interesting to note that concupiscence wasn't just about sex.

It was about anything that took us away from God and our spiritual purpose.

It also could have included the personal desires for wealth,

Status,

Etc.

,

Instead of pursuing higher callings.

His point was that these things take us away from our true purpose.

In fact,

He didn't even think sexual desire was the greatest of the lusts that torment us,

Or the most dangerous one.

St.

Augustine's full thoughts on this topic are a vast discussion,

Full of his own personal ups and downs as he wrestled with his own lack of willpower towards lustful thoughts and his desire to connect with God.

These are important ideas that continue in our beliefs today.

It's good to recognize them.

St.

Augustine was not aware at the time of the possibility of eros,

Where love,

Spiritual connection and sexual passion all existed and mutually fed each other.

He separated lusts of the flesh from spiritual aspirations.

This sex versus God perspective and the idea that celibacy is the purest way to live and be close to God turned sex and desire into a great sin and something that good and holy people didn't desire or need in their lives.

This is important to consider because we all have desires.

We long for connection.

We long for sexual intimacy.

If we have any beliefs that these desires are wrong or dirty or unholy,

We will always struggle because these are a natural part of being human.

Being connected to God or Spirit is also a natural part of being human.

To be whole,

We must be able to fully embrace both aspects of ourselves without them being at odds with each other.

While studying Tantra,

I imagine that we are doing exactly what St.

Augustine would have loved to have done,

To combine our physical lives with Spirit,

To know that all of our desires for love and passion can actually bring us closer to God.

Who knows,

Maybe St.

Augustine is somewhere smiling right now.

Lust versus eros in relationships.

Ironically,

The Church's interpretation that lust didn't belong in a good marriage is actually correct.

Eros is beautiful in a marriage,

But if all we have is lust,

This can be incredibly damaging,

Not to mention unfulfilling.

If two people are happy simply having physical sexual release with each other,

This is a pleasurable option in the moment.

However,

If there are emotional bonds or the desire for real love,

Lustful sex without connection can simply be unfulfilling in the short term,

But subtly damaging at deeper levels in the long term.

When we have an emotional bond with someone,

We sense their wholeness.

We can feel the whole breadth of who they are,

Emotionally,

Physically,

Mentally,

And spiritually.

When we join intimately,

We have the potential of joining 100% of who we are with 100% of who they are.

Deep down,

Some part of us knows the incredible bliss that this could bring.

When the other person walls off most of who they are so that they only connect physically,

We know that we are being cheated.

And we are not only being cheated,

We are being cheated out of the juiciest and most interesting parts.

It's like being beside a huge buffet filled with all of your favorite foods and your loved one gives you a tiny crust of bread from it.

Maybe you take the high road and choose to be thankful for the crust of bread.

You know that there was so much more,

Right there in front of you,

But you couldn't have it for a million reasons your loved one couldn't open up and share completely.

This withholding of ourselves,

Although mostly done unintentionally and unconsciously,

Can breed long-standing resentment,

Passive aggression,

And manipulation in a relationship.

Lust feeds us the crust of bread.

Eros is the whole feast.

Reviews

I’m grateful for your insight into true love. Religion has a way of getting in the way of being a spiritual person sometimes
Namaste 🙏
Looking forward to part 2

This was resonated with me in many ways. Thank you

So educational. I wish I had learned this when I was younger! Wow. This is amazing. Thank you.

That was wonderful, thank you very much.
Peace & Light
Peter 🙏🙏🙏

“Lust feeds us a crust of bread. Eros is the whole feast.” Powerful!

Let the banquet begin! ♥️🌹

Very good thank you. Will listen with my partner. Both this and the second one. 💜

Love this

Awesome!

Thank you Katrina. Gratefully receiving. Sending good wishes with gratitude.

Excellent talk. Thank you. 💞

This reached me a deeper levels. It's exactly what I've been feeling but not having the words to articulate. The only thing I was curious about was the other two elements of love (like what Eros is, but not sure what the other ones mean). It would be interesting to hear more on the Latin base meaning of these words. Fascinating! I want to hear more!!

Great insight … 💕 🌹🙏

A subtle and important message that helps me reinterpret so much of my life and relationships. Thank you for the clear explanation, you’re a wonderful teacher!

Fabulous!
I’ve been eating crust at the buffet :(

How did I not know all of this? It’s mindblowing to me. Thank you.

Wonderful talk. Thank you
❤️

I’ve never experienced a relationship, but this reading spoke to me because the language is beautifully crafted and Katrina’s narration is fluid, self-explanatory and relaxing. This is a rare gem.