Wishing Our Enemies Well

The law (and the world) divides us: good & bad, our side & theirs, friends & enemies. Hopefully. it's not difficult to be happy for our friends and to wish them well. But, what about the other side or the enemy? Today's Wake Up Call explores whether it's even possible to have goodwill for the "bad guys" and for those, we just flat out don't like. Plus, why would we want to? What gets in the way? What makes it possible? Happy listening.

Transcript

Hello,

Everyone.

Welcome to the Wake Up Call.

This is Judy Cohen.

This is Wake Up Call number 289.

And the title of today's call is Wishing Our Enemies Well.

So we're working with this quality of sympathetic joy,

Exploring,

You know,

What that feels like to be happy about someone else's joy,

Someone else's success or their win or their progress or their happiness.

And asking this question,

How do we cultivate the ability to be happy for others when it's their moment and not ours?

And why would we even want to?

And the why is probably the most important question for me in the sense that I often need some kind of understanding of why I would want to do the work of opening.

And sometimes it's prying open my mind and heart.

And in this case,

The idea of sympathetic joy,

Being happy for others and wanting their joy to increase.

It's more obvious than it looks at first.

At first,

To me anyway,

It looks like a joy.

At first,

To me anyway,

It looks like a lot of work.

And almost counterintuitive.

If someone else gets something and I don't and jealousy arises or I compare myself to them,

The thought arises,

Of course,

I wanted that.

I'm not doing as well as they are.

I'd like to be doing that.

And what is obscured is the tightness in my own heart and mind when that natural jealousy or comparing mind arises.

And I really take an honest look.

What I see in those cases is that it doesn't feel any good to me to walk around being happy.

I mean,

Being unhappy,

Being jealous,

Comparing myself to others.

And it does feel good to be happy for others.

And when I can express that happiness,

Sometimes,

You know,

Faking it until I make it even,

There's an increase in general happiness and wellbeing.

It's like almost like an atmospheric change and no one is bracing against each other anymore.

And in that moment,

Anyway,

We can all kind of relax everyone in the room or everyone in that moment.

And then more gets done.

There's more ease.

I feel better about myself for having been a small part of all of that.

So we've been exploring being happy for the joy and success of people we love or we just like or who are just acquaintances.

And today I thought,

Let's explore being happy for the joy and success of someone we consider to be in our own out group or on the other side or just someone we don't like.

And in traditional mindfulness,

This is called cultivating sympathetic joy for the enemy.

And so here's our enemy on the screen.

Just one word about this practice though.

Today,

I'm not going to address how to work with someone who is causing real harm.

And whether that's real harm to you or to the community or to the world,

Because to me,

That's a different question,

A different way of practicing.

And I'd like to look at that another time.

Today,

I just want to explore cultivating sympathetic joy for someone you just don't like,

Or you're just resentful of or jealous of or is on the other side or in the other camp,

Things like that.

So when I first got to this practice of sympathetic joy for the enemy,

And that's after I kept forgetting about sympathetic joy altogether,

Which I mentioned a few weeks ago,

It seemed like a lot.

And actually,

It didn't really even seem like a very good idea.

Or I guess at the very least,

It seemed like a kind of a waste of time.

But here's where that closer look was helpful for me,

And maybe it'll be helpful for you.

So take a moment right now and call to mind someone for whom maybe until this moment,

It never even occurred to you to cultivate sympathetic joy.

You know,

Someone who if you knew they were happy,

Almost by virtue of that,

You would maybe be a little irritated or a little jealous,

Or you'd think it was unfair,

Or maybe you'd even wish that they weren't happy at all or maybe you were just a little bit jealous,

Or maybe you'd even wish that they weren't happy at all or that they weren't having as much success,

Thank you very much,

Or that whatever was causing their happiness would actually just kind of evaporate,

Or it had never happened in the first place.

And,

You know,

Allowing for the possibility that you don't have anyone like that in your life,

In your mind,

But in case you do,

You know,

Call them to mind.

I have a couple.

One is an old friend who's been tremendously successful and kind of pulled away a little as they climbed higher and higher up the ladder.

And not that I couldn't have pulled back,

But I just got into this comparing mind with them.

I started to think that they were smarter than me,

More attractive,

Taller,

That happens to be true,

Made so much more money,

Also true.

And then I noticed I wasn't actually feeling happy for them or wanting them to continue to have more and more happiness.

And instead I was jealous.

The other is a friend who pulled rank on me once pretty long time ago,

And it wasn't the end of the world and things worked out,

But it really hurt.

So whenever I thought of them,

I noticed that old scratchy feeling.

And meanwhile,

They had also become very successful.

And instead of my natural response,

When I would hear something great about them being how wonderful,

I love this,

I hope this keeps happening for you.

This crusty kind of barnacled heart would go grrr,

You know,

And I would turn away.

And I'm calling them both friends,

But I know my daughter's generation would use that word frenemies,

Which is really more accurate if I'm being truthful.

And in my case,

I think neither of these people would say that about me.

But with both of them,

It's not just that I've had a hard time being happy for them.

It's worse.

It's that I feel kind of cringy hearing about their joy.

And I experience a kind of hardness in my own heart.

But it's also been like a shoehorn with a kind of a tight shoe prying open any joy when I heard about their happiness or their success.

So maybe that's also true for you with the person who you came up with,

Who you called to mind if you had anyone.

And then just to say,

Like,

At some point,

It hit me how ridiculous this was.

You know,

So I really worked with that just with the ridiculousness of holding on to this.

And I got to the point of laughing at myself.

But I tell you,

For the life of me,

I couldn't get beyond that.

So I use one of my lifelines.

I called a dear friend and colleague in the mindfulness and law teaching world,

Emily Doskow,

Who's I think here on the call today.

And she just asked me this very simple question.

Well,

Have you considered forgiveness?

And it was an interesting moment because the answer was no,

I had not.

It had not even occurred to me,

Which was pretty funny or,

You know,

Funny,

Not funny.

So I started a forgiveness practice with the aspiration to be able to wish both of these,

These friends.

Well,

To be able to be joyful for them and wish for their happiness to increase.

So in other words,

Not just forgiveness,

But really to get to a moody practice,

A sympathetic joy practice.

And it has not been instantaneous.

I'm definitely not there if there's a there there.

And I don't know if there's a there there.

But I'm definitely noticing a loosening in my heart and opening of the mind and also a lot of the joy.

And I'm also noticing a loss of the mind and also a lot of relief.

And I have a long way to go.

So next week,

We'll look at forgiveness specifically.

But just to say as a preview,

Forgiveness isn't just about forgiving someone else.

It's also forgiving ourselves.

And in my case,

You know,

Forgiving them for pulling away and pulling rank and forgiving myself for not continuing to reach out anyway.

And for holding on to resentment and ultimately.

I like to say that,

You know,

Because of the fact that we're all just kind of wasting time,

You know,

A bunch of years really of not being happy for these friends and not only wasting time,

But missing the point,

Which is that sympathetic joy.

Just like loving kindness and compassion,

It's boundless.

You know,

There's not a limited quantity.

It's not a finite pie.

There are no limits on it other than the limits we place on it.

Families are growing up or in society or whatever,

It's still that sympathetic joy is always available.

And all we have to do is let go of whatever is hindering or obscuring that quality of mind,

That quality of heart,

And allow it to show up and then tend to it and cultivate it,

Tend to our own hearts,

And in doing that,

Realize that we're also tending to others.

So I am going to offer a sympathetic joy practice for the quote unquote enemy right now,

And please join in if you want.

And if it doesn't resonate or it doesn't make any sense,

Please feel very free to just sit in your own practice and with whatever supports you right now.

Okay.

So for this practice,

As with all of the,

All of the Brahma Vihar practices,

Loving kindness,

Compassion,

Sympathetic joy,

Equanimity,

It's nice to take a very relaxed posture as opposed to a sitting up straight posture.

So feel free to take a more relaxed posture if that is available to you wherever you are right now.

And just for the first minute or two of our sit together,

Connecting to the earth,

Connecting to your cell,

Connecting to everyone else,

To all beings.

And then just to familiarize the mind and heart with this quality of sympathetic joy,

Call to mind someone for whom it's really easy for you to be happy.

So it could be a child,

A pet,

A grandparent,

A spiritual figure.

Some being who when they're happy,

It's really easy for you to be happy for them and to wish that their happiness will increase.

And just let that sense of sympathetic joy kind of rumble around in the body.

And then call to mind someone who you would not naturally feel sympathetic joy for,

Perhaps the person you called to mind earlier.

And just notice what happens when you call this person to mind.

What changes,

If anything changes in your own heart,

In your body,

What's going on?

See if there's tightness or if there's heat or if there's a catch,

There's stickiness,

Something going on in the body that maybe has you wanting to turn away from the person.

Not consider them worthy.

And see if you can see them in a little bit different light.

See if you can see this person as someone who has their own trials and tribulations and who is moving through their own life,

Through the 10,

000 joys and 10,

000 sorrows,

Just like you are.

And who has had some success,

Some joy in their life.

And see if you can almost physically soften your gaze,

Even if it's an inner gaze.

See if you can soften your gaze as you look at them,

Having called them up.

Not in the sense of abandoning yourself in any way,

Of course.

So if what's needed right here is self-compassion,

That's perfect.

Turn towards that.

You know,

If nothing is opening when you see this person in your mind's eye,

If nothing in your own heart is opening,

Then shift to self-compassion.

This is a difficult moment.

Self-compassion is just part of being human.

May I be at ease.

And if there is a little bit of an opening for this person,

Then just see if you can say to them,

May you be happy and may your happiness increase.

I see your joy.

May your joy and the things that are causing that joy,

May all of that increase and see whether this is something that you want to practice with for a little while.

Maybe today,

Maybe this week.

Just playing with it.

No judgment.

No problem if it's not there.

Just maybe tuck it in your back pocket as a possibility.

And then letting go of this practice and getting back in touch with your connection to the earth,

To your cell,

And to everyone else,

To all beings.

Thank you everyone for being on The Wake Up Call today.

We lost a couple of people,

About three people during that practice,

And that's always the case.

So just see what's resonant for you.

Have a good Thursday.

Have a good week.

And I'll see you next Thursday.