Passionate Advocacy With Patience, Not Anger

Sometimes it feels like the perfect storm, clouds opening up, rain drenching me to my bones, and me, shaking my fist at the sky…or at some sarcastic colleague or maniacal politician.

Every once in a while, though, I have the patience to simply observe. Not at my own risk and not risking anyone else’s safety or case, but just because there’s enough patience to be with whatever is happening, and not react, not get angry, not hide.

I feel like we need this kind of patience now, in our world.

Transcript

Hi everyone,

It's Judy Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 369.

Last week I talked about the Paramita of Patience or Kshanti Paramita.

Kshanti in the sense of bearing the difficulties of being human,

So the sorrow,

The loss,

The fear,

Loss of all our shiny possessions eventually.

She who dies with the most toys still dies.

The loss of the people we love,

The knowledge that the people we love,

The pets we love,

The knowledge that we're each of the nature to get old,

To get sick and eventually to die ourselves.

It takes a lot of patience just to be a human in this moment in this world,

To bear the pain,

To bear the sorrow.

And even though it seems like that would be enough of a practice to develop patience for how it is to be a human,

It's just the beginning.

Because we also need to practice patience in relationship,

Right?

So someone says or does something I don't like or that upsets me or takes me off.

My inevitable question is why did they do that?

Why did they say that?

Why can't they do something or what the heck,

Right?

Which in a nutshell is anger.

Why aren't they?

Why can't they?

Why did they?

These rhetorical questions that are posed really as just expressions of my frustration,

My anger.

I'm just saying the other humans around me don't get it.

They're bugging me.

They're the problem.

They're who's driving me crazy.

They're making me angry,

Right?

So from a mindfulness perspective,

That's incorrect.

No one can make me angry.

But that isn't to say that anger doesn't happen.

Anger does happen.

It happens so fast that I rarely catch it before there it is.

It's in my words.

It's in my gestures,

My body language.

Whether I stay in the room,

Whether I leave the room,

What I write,

Maybe what I post.

Anger happens because,

Not because,

Sorry,

Anger happens not because someone says or does something.

It happens because someone says or does something and that something activates something in me.

It might be some conditioning in my past.

It might be they're getting in between me and something important to me.

Some past conditions meeting a condition in the present moment.

Maybe they're causing harm to me or somebody I care about or to the earth.

And the cause sets up the conditions for anger to arise.

So it sets up the perfect storm.

There's our perfect storm on the slide.

But whatever the multifaceted causes and conditions arise in that moment,

Whatever storm clouds gather above me,

Inside me,

Anger happens in a flash like lightning.

And if it takes over,

I've lost control.

And then anything can happen.

Norman Fisher in his book,

The World Could Otherwise posits,

That's why crimes of passion carry shorter sentences than premeditated crimes,

Which sounds about right.

Which is where patience comes in.

So patience is the perfect storm happening that could make me angry,

But doesn't.

Because I know there's nothing I can do about that something in that flash of a moment.

Okay,

So patience is the perfect storm happening and it could make me angry,

But it doesn't.

Because I know there's nothing I can do about whatever is happening in that flash of a moment.

So,

Shanti Deva,

The great 7th century Indian philosopher and teacher says,

If you can do something about the situation,

Why get angry?

The obvious implication being just do that something.

And if you can't do anything about the situation,

Also why get angry?

There's nothing to do,

So let it go.

If we can live with that overall understanding,

Then we're setting up at least one condition for patience to arise more often when anger flashes.

And to stop anger from taking over.

Patience also looks like understanding who's angry or what anger actually is.

So there's never a time when I'm glad I'm angry.

I mean,

I might want to summon all of my ferocity in a conscious way to prevail in a matter where I see that justice should prevail and I'm on the side of justice.

But that isn't anger,

That's passion.

If I'm a lawyer,

That's passionate advocacy.

Anger is different.

Anger is when I'm at the mercy of something.

My past,

My conditioning,

The causes and conditions flashing in that moment,

Which generally feels terrible to me.

And also later when I think of the dozen wiser things I could have said or done,

It also feels terrible.

And it feels tense in my body and it leaves a residue that's really unpleasant.

The kind of fallout from the words I say and the things that I do in anger.

So there are plenty of times I've summoned my passion,

My thoughtfulness and wisdom,

If you will,

All of those and been really glad.

But there's never been a time when I've gotten flat out angry,

Out of control and been glad.

So you can maybe see where this is going.

Where it's going is that this anger,

It's not mine.

It's happening because of causes and conditions,

Not because of me or the person who I'm in relationship with.

And it's not happening because I'm a bad person or they're a bad person.

So it's not me,

It's not mine.

I'm not an angry person,

But it's not not my responsibility either.

It is fully 100% my responsibility,

Hence this whole topic,

Right?

So Shanti Deva offers this metaphor and there's a little activation alert here.

It's a little bit violent,

Even if it's 1400 years old.

An angry man has a big stick and with that stick he begins to beat a dog.

The dog doesn't understand that the man is to blame though.

She only wants the beating to stop.

Since the stick is what's hitting her,

She grabs at the stick,

She's biting it hard,

She's shaking it violently between her jaws,

Powerful jaws,

Trying to dislodge it from the man's grip and stop the beating.

But she's grabbed onto the wrong thing because she doesn't understand.

It's not the stick,

It's the man.

And we also are not the stick.

We are the person whose life is informed by all of its unique causes and conditions and anger,

The stick,

Is flashing as a result.

And likewise,

When someone else does something or says something that evokes our anger,

They are not the stick.

We get mad at them,

But they also are simply the human informed by all of the unique causes and conditions of their life.

So if we can do something about the situation like get out of their presence or if they're a child or maybe a client,

Talk with them,

Sure,

We should do that.

If we can do something,

We should do it.

If we can't,

Then there's nothing to do.

But either way,

Patience,

Kshanti,

Tells us that the best thing is to remember that they're not the stick,

They're the human behind the stick,

And not let anger take over.

And again,

This doesn't mean we shouldn't be passionate in service of our clients,

In service of justice,

Not at all.

But why not also guard against anger and hatred and cultivate the patience to understand that everyone is really doing their best and a lot of causes and conditions are working behind the scenes.

So I don't know how many times I got angry at some difficult opposing counsel or partner or judge and verbally punched back,

Said something maybe disparaging,

Gossiped about them later.

You know,

All those times blaming the wrong thing,

Blaming the stick,

When the real perpetrator was that perfect storm,

All of those causes and conditions coming together in a flash.

The invitation of patience is to watch the storm coming across the ocean,

Of course,

Staying safe,

Keeping ourselves safe,

Feeling it as it pours down on us again and maybe again,

Again,

Staying safe and then watching as it passes.

Kshanti.

So let's sit.

GONG Taking a comfortable posture that is also upright.

Taking dignity to your practice.

The breath.

Taking a few deep breaths to settle.

Or if breath is not the most supportive refuge in this moment,

Then the sounds in your environment,

Sounds of your household or sounds outside.

And as you settle into the present moment,

Maybe taking a moment to consider that here you are practicing.

Here we all are together practicing.

Practicing to settle down just for a few moments.

Maybe to look at this quality of patience.

And just to have a moment of gratitude toward yourself for,

For getting here to do this work because it's not easy.

And gratitude to yourself as well for the greater intention,

If your immediate intention is to cultivate a little bit more patience for yourself,

To think about the benefit that will flow from that.

And maybe some gladness can arise right here.

Just,

Yeah,

How great to do this work.

Just this small piece,

This small thing,

Which isn't so small.

And then I want to offer one way of practicing with patience right here,

Right now,

Which is to take a moment at the bottom of an out breath.

And to notice how much patience there is waiting for the body to take its next breath.

Assuming that you're not underwater or in outer space where there isn't enough air and you have enough capacity in your lungs right now,

Enough oxygen in your body.

At the bottom of the out breath,

Just notice that there's a measure of patience in that waiting for the next breath.

And this might not be the case if you have a cold or if you have asthma,

If you have COVID.

But maybe there's some patience there that you can allow to kind of imprint on your experience and then take with you today.

Thank you.

Thanks everyone for being on the wake up call today.

Take good care.

Have a good Thursday.

Be safe out there.

Have a good weekend.

I'll see you next week.

Reviews

WOW. This was so helpful for me and I am so grateful to find it at just the right time where I can receive it. Blessings to you. 🪶🌈💟🙏