The Only Requirement

This is a talk on the third tradition of the twelve step groups, "the only requirement for membership is a desire for _____". I'll talk about what the tradition means in context of groups and individual relationships, as well as the principles embedded in it. Can you guess which one is my favourite?

Transcript

All right,

Take 43.

Tradition 3 says the only requirement for membership is a desire for something.

Something being based on which group you're potentially attending.

The desire for healthy relationships,

To stop wanking,

Stop drinking,

Whatever.

So this is such a important tradition,

You know,

Not that to say that there's any that are more important than the others.

However,

This is a super important one,

You know,

Because it's directly related to new members and their willingness to how we treat them,

How we,

You know,

Like,

Operate in relation towards them,

Like how we welcome them,

Etc.

,

Right?

Like some of the principles attached to this tradition are patience,

Tolerance,

Anonymity even,

Inclusion,

And compassion.

And see,

Like,

That compassion bit is such a crucial part,

You know,

Because,

You know,

This tradition originally read that the only requirement is an honest desire,

But then wiser heads prevailed and they realized that,

Like,

We can't decide that's an intangible,

You know,

Like,

We can't decide who's got an honest desire.

Some people fake it real well,

You know,

There's lots of people that come into recovery rooms that put on a real shiny happy face and,

Like,

Here,

Look at me,

I'm gonna help and I'm gonna do all the things,

But they have external,

Like,

They have their wife,

They don't want to piss their wife off,

They got caught cheating,

You know,

Like,

They got sent to court,

You know,

They got arrested selling drugs,

Maybe,

So they're sent by the courts and trying to look real shiny.

And there's other people that show up that are just angry and,

You know,

Actually tell people off.

I've been told to,

I've been told off for being happy and meeting in a recovery space.

And because people are hurt and when it gets real and gets raw and people show up there,

You know,

Sometimes they're real hurting.

So the point of this tradition,

Though,

Is that regardless of any of that,

We welcome them.

We welcome them.

We welcome them.

You know,

And what,

And,

You know,

One of the things I've heard recently said that,

You know,

One of the,

One of the easiest ways to exclude someone is to ignore them.

And that really landed for me,

You know,

I was,

I had to really check myself on that.

Because,

You know,

There are people,

There are gonna be people that show up that I don't like and I don't want anything to do with.

And it's not necessarily because they have bad attitudes,

But just for whatever reason,

You know,

They look like someone that hurt me,

You know,

Some subconscious stuff that I can't even read maybe,

Or maybe something,

You know,

That I'm aware of.

But the thing is,

If I act with,

You know,

Like with this principle in mind,

I'll at least treat them with kindness,

Even though it might be from a distance.

I also know now that I don't need to,

I don't need to be the one to help everybody.

But I can't be decent to them.

I can't be decent to them.

At least,

You know,

Say hello,

Welcome,

Etc.

And you know this bit too,

Right?

Like when I was,

When I was,

When I was a young warthog,

No,

That's not right.

When I was in early,

In early recovery myself,

Or like,

Or maybe even pre-recovery,

You could say,

I was like showing up loaded and coming in and out of,

You know,

Coming to the program and just being a total mess,

Hijacking meetings with my rants,

Whatever.

And people,

You know,

Accepted me and they told me,

We'll love you until you can love yourself.

And that took some time,

You know?

Took some time and some principles,

You know,

Some spiritual principles on other people's behalf,

Or on other people's parts,

You know,

Like tolerance and patience and compassion.

Even though I kept,

You know,

Like,

It took me,

It took me coming in and out for seven years to finally get one year of continuous,

Clean time,

You know,

Substances.

And people were,

Yeah,

People were really patient with me.

And now,

You know,

It's a bunch of years later and here we are.

So,

Like,

Without that,

You know,

Like,

If people were deciding,

Like,

Oh,

Like,

He's not really interested in this.

And,

You know,

It's funny,

Because some people,

I'm sure,

Did think that,

Like,

Oh,

This guy doesn't,

You know,

Like,

Whatever.

Because we're all human.

We have judgmental parts of ourselves and,

You know,

Like,

People rub us the wrong way.

And there's people I've wished,

I hope they don't keep coming back,

You know?

I'll be honest,

There's definitely people that I have wished that.

And that's,

That's my own stuff that I need to obviously deal with,

Because they've triggered me in a certain way.

And,

You know,

Like,

Some of those are the people that I can't necessarily be the one to help,

Right?

I just can be kind and tolerant and patient and make space for them,

You know,

Just make space for them.

So,

You know,

All that being said,

There's,

There will,

Of course,

Be times when people do need to be excluded,

But they are rare.

And,

You know,

It's like the rarity and it's,

You know,

These kind of recovery groups are very countercultural in a way,

You know,

Because in a lot of ways,

When people,

Like,

In the world,

When people are confrontational,

Act out of line,

We,

You know,

We send them to jail,

Right?

We call the cops,

They get arrested.

You know,

For practicing spiritual principles,

We try and pull these people close,

We talk to them,

We try and understand them,

You know,

Like if people are acting really,

Really intense,

Like there's,

You know,

There's some minor upheaval around a member in a group I attend recently,

Where,

You know,

It ended up the person got like a temporary ban from being,

Well,

You know,

Like attending,

And this wasn't something that was taken lightly,

And there are those of us that were definitely very vocal about,

Like,

Doing whatever we can to keep this person included,

You know,

Like putting on certain limits,

You know,

Like having conversations about,

Like,

Hey,

Look,

You need to,

You know,

Whatever.

We had some chats around it,

But this person was acting in such a way that,

Frankly,

Terrified enough of the other members that they needed to be in a,

You know,

Not part of for now,

And that's unfortunate,

And it's a hard decision to make,

But,

You know,

Like when we act with several principles in mind,

Right,

You know,

Because it's like,

I think of the one that's often,

It's such a great example for being used in isolation to the detriment of all,

Which is the principle of honesty.

It's not part of this tradition,

But it's a principle that's often misused,

Right?

People will say,

Like,

You need to be rigorously honest to get sober.

You need to tell the truth no matter what.

Honesty,

Honesty,

Honesty.

Honesty is a very important principle,

Especially,

You know,

Coming from me as someone that was capable of lying to myself in all sorts of ways to convince myself that,

Yeah,

Getting high is a really great idea,

Even though I just came out,

Like,

I literally just left the hospital overdosed,

You know,

Like,

Yeah,

This is a great idea.

Very,

Very much lying to myself.

So it's very important to be honest,

Especially to myself,

Secondarily to others,

But what's important is to include things like compassion,

Tolerance,

Patience when I'm being honest.

Like,

To just go up to someone and say,

You're a human waste.

You need to,

Right?

Like,

You're a terrible,

You know,

Like,

Just to be,

That's a weaponized form of honesty.

Or even on myself,

Like,

Oh man,

Like I,

Yeah,

I'm not gonna go into a whole rant here because I can feel it brewing,

But we use these principles in,

You know,

In conjunction with each other.

You know,

Honesty and compassion becomes healing.

So when we use these principles working together,

We can learn,

We can just know how to handle situations that used to confound us,

Perhaps,

Even.

So that's something else that's,

You know,

Like,

Important is,

Like,

In these groups as well,

You know,

Like,

There's not,

Like,

A seniority,

Like,

There's not a hierarchy as well,

Right?

So,

Like,

Even,

Like,

If you're a member,

You say you're a member,

And you are,

And that's it,

You can also be part of,

Like,

The group level,

You know,

Like,

Being part of the service structure,

You know,

You can go to,

Like,

Service meetings and be part of the group in a,

On a deeper level,

Like,

Having input on how the group functions.

You know,

There's,

There's lots of jokes out there about,

Like,

People showing up to meetings and then they're trying to,

I love this meeting,

And then trying to change the whole thing within their first three weeks of membership,

And then there's,

Like,

A handful of grouchy old members in the background,

You know,

But that's the thing with this,

That's how,

Like,

There isn't,

You know,

Like,

That's how this works,

Like,

If,

If there's enough voice for change,

Even among people that just showed up,

Change can happen,

You know,

So at a group level,

That's something that's,

Like,

I think,

Really beautiful and interesting is that you can just show up and have a voice,

Like,

Day one,

If you,

If you so choose,

You know,

Of course,

Like,

There's gonna be wise old folks that have,

Like,

A lot of experience that might,

You know,

Have some things to say,

But you can still be heard.

So that's enough about the group level,

I went on far longer than I wanted to about that,

But,

You know,

Some of the other stuff I wanted to talk about in relation to this tradition is how it relates,

You know,

To,

Like,

Relationships,

Because it does,

You know,

I can relate to these relationships,

You know,

I think,

You know,

It has to go a little bit deeper,

Right,

Because,

Like,

To be part of a group that's,

You know,

Kind of a impersonal,

Or it's only so personal,

Right,

Like,

People,

People at meetings are acquaintances,

Maybe friends,

But,

You know,

They all just have to get along,

But for my personal relationships,

If I'm to apply this tradition and the principles,

I might say the only requirement of my relationships is a desire to be in them,

And also the willingness to make them work.

See,

You know,

That added bit for me is important,

You know,

Like,

At one point,

I just had that first bit,

You know,

I was like,

Well,

The only requirement is you want to be in this relationship,

And that's it,

And consequently,

I dated people that were not good matches for me,

Because they weren't willing to do the work to make the relationship work,

Or they weren't,

You know,

Like,

Whatever,

You know,

Like,

Both of us weren't willing,

You know,

Things like this,

Right,

And same with friendships,

You know,

I had friendships that was like,

Well,

This person showed up,

So great,

But then it turns out they didn't necessarily show up,

You know,

Like,

I had to let go of someone that was,

At one point,

A really dear friend,

Because they didn't,

A couple times,

Actually,

They didn't seem to be willing to put in the effort to keep the relationship working,

You know,

When I had concerns,

They didn't seem interested in doing anything different,

So I had to end the relationships,

And that's been something that's really healing a whole lot for me as well,

You know,

I think that,

In our society,

We treat romantic relationships as the ones to have,

Like,

A formal ending,

Like,

We're breaking up,

And then,

You know,

Go your separate ways,

But I think there's something really valuable in treating friendships that way,

As well,

And not to say that,

Like,

You know,

You're just,

Like,

Always breaking up with people if you haven't talked to them for three weeks,

Because my head can tell me to do that,

And that's not necessarily the wisest,

But really examining relationships and saying,

Like,

Oh,

Okay,

Like,

This isn't working,

You know,

Like,

I wish you well,

And closing that door,

Saying goodbye,

You know,

I think there's something really powerful and wholesome about that,

You know,

Like,

For my internal structure,

You know,

My internal framework of my life,

To know that,

Like,

Yeah,

That didn't work,

And that was,

That was,

There was a,

There was a distinct finish to that,

And so there's not that open door,

I'm not using thought space on them anymore,

I'm not thinking about making the relationship work anymore,

It's just moved on.

So I might start thinking about,

Like,

Well,

What,

What is important in these relationships,

Like,

How do I know,

Like,

Whether,

You know,

Like,

Their relationships are worth keeping,

Etc.

,

Etc.

,

Right,

And,

You know,

It's very based on different relationships,

Right,

Like,

Some essential elements to,

Say,

A work relationship will be different than,

Like,

A friendship,

Right,

Like,

So in a work relationship,

For me to have,

Like,

A good strong investment in that relationship,

You know,

Like,

For us to be mutually invested in doing the work that we're there for,

You know,

Like,

I worked in harm addiction,

And for me to have,

Like,

Work friendships with people,

I was most interested in those with people that were also invested in,

Like,

Helping our people,

You know,

Like,

In being there,

And,

Like,

Being supportive,

And making change,

You know,

In friendships,

You know,

Like,

Is it important that we share the same opinions on,

Or,

Like,

World politics and views,

You know,

I think there's something to be said about keeping friends that have different,

Differing opinions and views on the world,

You know,

Because it's stimulating and whatnot,

But I think for,

You know,

Like,

Often with people that are allies,

You know,

Like,

To have goals and aspirations that are similar is important for certain relationships,

Right,

Like,

If we're,

If we're working towards a cause,

Caring about that cause is important,

You know,

This is,

Of course,

Like,

Similar,

Right,

Like,

If we're all part of a recovery group,

Recovery is important,

Right,

So it's just taking that idea and expanding that into other areas.

What I really want to talk about is,

Yeah,

The romantic aspect,

You know,

Like,

For me,

Like,

Romantic partners,

I've gotten,

I've spent so much time getting,

You know,

Like,

Getting caught up in relationships that weren't going to work out because we were both more committed to making it work,

Because that's what that part of being,

Desire to be in them,

And the willingness to make them work,

You know,

Like,

For me,

Commitment to spiritual growth of myself and supporting the spiritual growth of the other person is paramount,

And,

Of course,

Having the same from them,

You know,

Like,

Their investment in their own growth and supportive of my growth,

Like,

That's,

Like,

The bottom,

Like,

That's,

Like,

The bottom line,

Bare minimum,

Because otherwise we'll grow apart in the relation,

You know,

And then we'll either just,

Like,

Stay in it and suffer,

But ideally,

You know,

Leave.

You know,

This makes me think about something that is so common in our culture about,

Like,

Seeing relationships that end as failures,

You know,

Like,

You ask people,

And they're like,

Oh,

Just another failed relationship,

And they have a breakout,

And I don't,

You know,

It's,

I think that's a really short-sighted viewpoint,

You know,

Because,

Like,

Oh,

Like,

So the standard is either you stay together until you both die or you're failed,

Right?

Like,

That's,

Like,

Such a unrealistic,

Unreasonable barometer.

You know,

Like,

I look at relationships that ended,

And I'm like,

Oh,

Like,

We learned a lot about what does work and what doesn't work,

And we learned a lot about what we want from a person,

What we want,

Truly want in a relationship,

And what we need from a relationship.

My last relationship,

It was a long-term one,

It was six years,

And,

You know,

After the first couple years,

Honestly,

We just grew apart,

And,

You know,

It became pretty obvious that it wasn't working,

We wanted different things,

But,

Like,

Both of us were just too,

You know,

Too love-addicted,

Really,

To leave the relationship,

And,

You know,

I think still in lots of ways,

Like,

Didn't have enough belief that,

Didn't have a vision of what we could have,

You know,

Now that I have that vision,

Things have changed a lot,

But I learned a lot from that,

Right?

So,

Going forward,

You know,

Like,

Hey,

I'm going to stay single as long as I need to,

That's cool,

And I'm also going to make a,

Create a story,

Not a story,

But,

Like,

A,

You know,

Like,

A list of things that I want to partner,

You know,

I want to envision who I want to be with and what it's going to be like,

You know,

Like,

Another thing that's really important for me is,

You know,

Like,

Animals really matter to me,

Like,

I deeply care about the welfare of all beings,

Not just people,

And I think that,

You know,

Like,

To be truly,

Like,

Real equality and egalitarian society includes,

You know,

Like,

Freeing and liberating animals and letting them just,

Like,

Live their lives.

I'm not trying to convince anyone or anything here,

That's just,

Like,

Something that really matters to me,

And I say that because I no longer want to date anyone that's not also a vegan.

I don't have,

Like,

That just,

It's such a core value for me that it would feel very,

Like,

Disingenuous,

You know,

I feel very,

Like,

Inauthentic to do that,

And I was willing to just,

You know,

If that doesn't show up,

I'm also willing to just,

Like,

Be on my own,

You know,

I don't need to just be with someone just to be with someone anymore.

I want to be with someone that feels like we both,

The same things matter to us,

We care about the same things,

And,

You know,

Like,

Through our shared vision,

We can live in the world together.

You know,

It should also be said that there's,

Like,

Another thing of,

Like,

What really matters,

You know,

Like,

That's one of those things that really matters to me,

But it can get carried away to be,

Like,

Placing unnecessary requirements on the relationship,

Because that can be a form of controlling.

It's like,

Okay,

If,

You know,

If that person doesn't want to have tacos on Tuesday,

This is,

You know,

Like,

We're having tacos on Tuesday or no dice,

You know,

Like,

This can be controlling,

Right?

Or,

You know,

Like,

Saying,

You know,

If you're not willing to do any kind of,

Like,

Whim or desire,

Then it's not okay.

You know,

Like,

Things like this.

It makes you think of the idea that,

Like,

You know,

Like,

Is it really not safe,

Or is it just what you want?

You know,

Because often I think we can make ourselves so guarded that we convince ourselves that,

Like,

Really,

Preferences and safety get confused.

And I think this is an important thing to,

Like,

Focus on and examine,

Because it can just become this controlling thing.

You know,

I think about,

Like,

Creating safe spaces now.

And,

You know,

Like,

There are some groups I go to that are,

Like,

Very progressive,

Which is great.

You know,

People should be included.

It's important to make a space for everyone.

And then there's a point where sometimes people that just,

Like,

Don't agree get excluded.

And not even because they're,

Like,

Being necessarily,

Like,

You know,

In a inappropriate or whatever.

They just don't want to agree and toe the line.

So they're not,

You know,

Not allowed.

You know,

It's like this idea recently that,

You know,

If you vote on the wrong side,

That makes you a bad person because you must believe this.

And that's a hard line,

Man.

You know,

That's a hard line.

I'm suggesting the radical,

Perhaps radical,

Idea that everyone has a place here,

No matter how confused and difficult they seem to us,

That everyone has a place here.

You know,

Again,

Going back to,

Like,

People who are actually,

Like,

Literally physically threatening us,

Like,

Threatening,

Like,

You know,

Real violence,

Real harm.

In those cases,

Of course,

People need to be,

You know,

Given a timeout.

But for the most part,

How can we include everybody?

So,

You know,

I think about the principle of anonymity,

Which is so,

You know,

Foundational in the anonymous programs.

And it also relates,

You know,

I recognize it deeply connects to the Buddhist idea of anatta,

Or not-self.

You know,

That truth,

Or that belief,

Or that idea,

Or whatever,

Says that,

Like,

There's all these things that we think are ourselves that are truly not ourself.

You know,

The Buddha said,

Like,

You are not your body.

You are not your thoughts.

You are not the things that happen to you.

You're not,

Like,

You're not your feelings.

You're not all these things.

You're not these things.

They're not you,

Truly,

Because they're all,

Like,

Conditioned phenomena.

All these beliefs,

They all came about because these things happened to you in the past.

You were raised this way,

In this part of the world.

You know,

Like,

You have all these beliefs because of stuff that just happened.

You know,

Like,

You have a fear of cars because you got in a wreck.

You know,

You like cats because your auntie had one,

And auntie was really nice.

Whatever.

You just did all these things,

You know.

But these are not truly who we are.

You know,

I think that maybe the closest thing we could say to who we really are was,

Is this exercise that was given to me by Guy Armstrong in a book.

Not given to me by him,

I just read it.

But he said,

Consider someone you care about,

And think of them as all their beliefs,

And their likes,

And their dislikes,

And the things they do,

And all this.

Think of them in those terms.

Bring someone to mind.

And then,

Just consider them as a body in consciousness,

And see how it feels different.

So,

What I'm getting at is that,

You know,

Like,

All these behaviors that may,

You know,

Make us want to exclude people,

Or include people,

You know.

Because I know when people agree with me,

Like,

When I meet other vegans,

I'm like,

Choo-choo,

Get on the train,

Let's be friends immediately,

Right?

But invariably,

There's something else that they will do that can make me want to exclude them.

You know,

So when I base,

When I base these decisions and judgments on,

Like,

Perceptions,

And likes,

And dislikes,

It's just so unstable.

So,

You know,

If I base things,

We base these things on inclusion,

Compassion,

And tolerance,

It's a much more wholesome,

Skillful framework.

So,

All that said,

May you find your place,

You know,

Whatever that may be,

And may you keep your heart open to allowing others to share space,

Even if you don't really like them.

Reviews

Loved this! I’m going to speak at a 3rd tradition meeting this afternoon and it is my favorite tradition.. and I love how you shared the principles of tolerance,patience,kindness and inclusion . Ty !🙏