Unlock Your Secret Strength: The Connective Force Of Self-Revelation

We all own hidden strength. A force allowing us to release ourselves from the pressure of perfectionism and the tension of expectations. A power creating the most significant connections. In this podcast, you discover the secrets of self-revelation: Why we tend to stay away from it and limit ourselves with fears and concerns. How you can unlock the courage to show up genuinely and make it your biggest strength in all types of relationships.

Transcript

Hello everyone out there.

I'm really happy about each and every one of you out there that watches right now because the topic that I'm sharing is one of the most important topics in my life and actually learning about it from experience and from learned wisdom changed a lot in my life.

I asked myself how to connect with you.

At least you have the advantage that you see me.

I can't see any one of you out there.

So I thought quite a while about it and I thought well sharing is caring so I brought something with me that I want to share with you today.

What is it that I want to share with you?

First of all it is a quote that is really important in my life.

It says,

If you can't hear me you can't see me.

And it's true.

We can say as much as we want.

If someone is not willing or able to listen to us seriously and genuinely,

If a person is not willing to listen to understand us instead of just to reply,

We won't be heard.

And we won't be seen for what we want to be seen for with our message.

Because there is always a message in whatever we say that we want to be seen.

That lies within our words and sometimes beyond our words.

At the same time a person can try and listen as good as possible.

If we don't speak our truth we cannot be understood with our true need.

This especially becomes meaningful when we deal with situations that really really are close to us and move us personally.

Sounds quite cryptic I know but actually it's quite simple.

Or let's say it's simple but it's not always easy.

Because it means to express a certain aspect of us in an undiscussed way.

Just as we feel in this situation.

It means to lower the shield and the armour that we use in everyday life to protect ourselves all day.

To be perfect,

To be strong,

To be assessed as good,

Successful or valuable.

To make it a bit more concrete.

Did you ever feel like honestly wanting to talk to a colleague about a challenging topic in a way of hey I've tried everything to solve this topic but I don't get anywhere.

I have no more ideas.

I'm really stuck can you help me?

Or did you just want to reach out to a colleague saying I'm overwhelmed with everything.

I don't know how to do it and how to deal with it all.

Can you show me how?

Can you support me?

But although you wanted to,

You didn't ask for support or help but preferred to further keep the pressure hidden inside of you.

The confusion,

This difficult feeling.

Do you know this situation?

Have you been in a situation where you honestly wanted to say hey I was wrong I'm sorry can you forgive me?

But you simply couldn't cross that bridge.

I guess most of you know these moments from personal or even professional life right?

And the more things mean to us the more difficult it gets.

And as I say you find it in all types of life situations.

With friends,

With colleagues,

With your boss,

With your parents,

Your spouse.

These two things happen in synchronicity when this comes up.

On the one hand we like to be seen,

Supported and cared for.

We wanted to open up this insecure part,

Get in touch and we would like to have support on our struggles.

And on the other hand we desperately want to hide this longing for understanding,

This longing for support,

For protection.

The need for connection,

We just want to kind of cover it up.

We don't want to show the insecurity that lies in there.

So in these moments we want to be seen and noticed and at the same time we want to hide.

And in most cases the suppressing part takes control,

It hides what we in fact really would like to share.

I don't know whether you know it but today is World Mental Health Day and do you know this moment where somebody maybe has asked are you okay?

And you said yep,

I am,

All good,

Perfectly fine.

But in fact there was something in you saying no,

No,

No and I would like to share but I'm fine.

Or isn't it interesting that after introducing or saying hello when somebody asks how are you,

We normally don't even think about the answer because we think it is expected to say I'm fine,

Thanks.

And sometimes we feel so differently from that.

It's an exhausting tug of war with a lot of pressure.

The more important topics are to us.

Who of you,

Honestly,

You're alone on your screen I guess or in front of your screen,

So honestly with yourself,

Who of you is comfortable about asking for help if you can't offer something in return?

And who knows this encoded statements with which we try to make ourselves noticeable instead.

Oh,

This is really quite heavy.

I've never done that before.

I had imagined this to be differently somehow.

As the honest question for what we really need and would like to bring out there as a message is connected with awkwardness,

Some diffuse fear.

If we want to,

If we ask for something and we don't have something in return,

Do you know this kind of awkwardness?

I know the tug of war quite well.

I tried all I could for a long time in my life to solve things by myself before asking without having something to offer in return.

And if I struggled where other people around me didn't,

I felt even more comfortable.

And though I would have liked to have support,

I didn't dare to ask.

At that time,

I didn't understand that the root of this behaviour was a sub-level belief of not being worthy enough by just being me and not having some additional effort,

Not effort,

But value to give.

I just felt this awkwardness around asking and opening up and sometimes even decided to not do things that though they were important to me,

Rather than asking for help,

Understanding or maybe forgiveness.

Do you know this catch 22?

Keeping us from things that are in fact important to us,

Something meaningful,

Maybe learning something new,

Trying something new,

Reconnecting to someone that we really,

Really don't want to lose in our life.

And in business life,

Maybe it's about different teams that would work really well on a topic if they both could be able to share that,

They won't make it on their own,

But they will need to do it together instead of the one always showing the other,

You doing a mistake,

Now you doing a mistake instead of saying,

We both don't know how to do it on our own.

How can we fix that together?

So this is where self-revelation comes in.

And it can solve this continuous loop.

What do I mean by that?

It means the courage to,

When it is crucially allow our own vulnerability,

Be genuinely expressed with the needs we have.

And they,

Yes,

They come from a kind of insecure place to show an aspect of ourselves that we hide so well behind our everyday armour and shield.

We are honestly,

We have the capability,

We are really good in doing so when we feel joy and happiness,

We can open up so genuinely,

We show more of ourselves,

Our humanity without thinking about it.

There's no fear to be disconnected,

No fear to connect as well.

We're not concerned about rejection or abandonment.

There's surely a memory in your life of joy from a celebration like a New Year's Eve,

A wedding,

A birthday that you can remember where it was so easy to just be you and open up effortlessly to strangers,

Maybe even to people that you do not even trust or like.

Do you know a situation like this?

So the good news is we are capable of this.

When we are aligned with ourselves,

We are really capable of this.

When we feel insecure about ourselves,

We tend to look away,

We tend to try to hide this aspect of our authentic self.

We start our protector mode.

It's a side that wants to stay in control in any case.

It's a very masculine energy that exists in each of us,

Regardless of our gender by the way.

It's direct,

Can be hard against others,

Firm,

And in any case,

It's hard against ourselves because we quickly judge our feeling of insecurity as our weakness.

And this protector wants to defend and hide this weakness inside of us.

There is some sort of sub level belief going on of not being worthy for belonging by just being us.

And it's definitely,

It's definitely good quality to care for ourselves with safety first when we feel insecure,

Right?

Don't get me wrong.

It's good to have a protector,

Not a protector.

I'm sorry.

But the trouble about it is if we never show up as our true self with what we need,

With what we're struggling with,

No one can see what we truly need.

No one can understand what we are putting out there as a need,

As a request for support.

If we never open up with no,

I'm actually not not okay,

But I would be happy to get some support.

Who can see you?

Who can see me?

Who doesn't know the situation?

When we wish to be accepted exactly as we are,

Especially because it is hard for us to accept ourselves at that moment.

When we stumble,

When we are imperfect,

Maybe needy.

I have been a person for a long time that was always happy,

Supportive,

Positive.

And I tucked in a lot of things that I struggled with.

I have been open up to a certain point,

But behind that shield,

No,

No,

No,

No way to go there.

And it was not until I dared,

Because I needed to,

Because my urge was so big in sight,

I dared to open up in the beauty of sadness,

In the beauty of insecurity,

That I made the most profound connections with friends and people in my life.

And I was so surprised about how much more they came to connect after this situation than they did before.

So how can we overcome the inner belief of not being love worthy in an imperfect moment,

And we rather stay in silence than to dare to open up and find out what truly happens?

How?

What is happening there?

Actually,

It is shame taking over in these moments,

As we want to avoid abandonment and rejection.

We are all social beings.

The striving for connection is part of our oldest DNA,

Spiritually,

Physically,

Non-physically.

It manifests on the physical level.

Yes,

We all like to touch somehow.

And on the non-physical level,

As we're looking for like-minded people as well,

Right?

The interconnectedness within the world expresses itself in every level of human being.

Connection,

Whether it is about with one person or with hundreds or thousands,

That's not,

That's a different question.

That's different for different people.

But no one of us wants to spend life without social connections at all.

We are hardwired for connection.

When we show ourselves with weaknesses,

Shortcomings,

Mistakes that we have made,

Our fear of not being worthy of connection grows.

Many of us carry a subconscious belief of not being enough by being in this world,

Right?

It's always about striving,

About achieving.

It's always about adding value,

Right?

We fear devaluation and rejection,

Where we are actually looking for connection when we are in that space of insecurity.

And when shame comes up,

And this is where shame takes over,

Sends out the defender,

Raises the armor and the shield,

And makes us hide behind it in silence.

The trouble about this is,

If you combine shame with silence and secrecy,

It grows.

At that moment,

It might feel different.

But if another situation like that comes up again,

It has grown.

And the sub-level belief of not being that worthy by being grows as well.

So putting shame together with silence and secrecy,

That's a vicious circle,

Again and again.

So every time we decide for the way of avoidance,

For the shield and the armor,

We strengthen the sub-level belief of not being worthy enough.

We make it a self-fulfilling prophecy,

No one else knows about actually.

That's a catch-22 again.

So what can help us to make a wise decision whether to dare self-revelation or to remain defensive and protect ourselves?

Which,

Don't get me wrong,

It definitely can have good reasons to do so.

I don't want to say always open up and self-revelation in every situation in your life.

How to differ?

How to make the right choice?

This is where the connection to our divine energy,

Into spirituality enables us to cross the bridge.

Because no matter what is challenging us,

No matter what is on our minds,

We first need awareness and consciousness about what exactly causes this discomfort in me.

What kind of feeling is shame sending out there?

Is it fear?

Anger?

Sadness?

Grief?

What is shame sending there?

What makes me upset?

We need to know from which thoughts and perceptions that we have this comes from.

Which thoughts are combined with these feelings?

And we also need to know as who and or as how and as whom we perceive ourselves in this situation.

Do we perceive ourselves as abused,

As inferior,

As superior,

As betrayed?

First we need to have the ability to look at ourselves.

Or it takes the ability to connect to ourself so that we understand ourselves genuinely.

To turn inwards as all these answers are found within ourselves.

Not with the other person,

Not within the situation.

It's within ourselves,

Right?

So the first step is reveal yourself to yourself.

And that is where meditation is a total game changer.

It helps to find silence and the peace to connect to the core of all being.

It's actually a really systematic way to turn inwards.

Because first it follows the alignment with the own breath and it calms the mind.

And this calm mind helps us to gain clarity.

To understand ourselves with these emotions occupying us,

Right?

Additionally,

When the world of thoughts comes to rest,

Something amazing happens.

And the ones of you that are meditating regularly have surely experienced this as well.

You get into this space of fundamental peace,

Of confidence.

This core that actually is always there but is normally drawn out by thoughts and feelings in everyday life,

Right?

This part within us that is always satisfied and content.

Actually also with ourselves.

It's always there so you unlock it with meditation.

And this way meditation enables us to spend time with our recognitions in silence and tranquility and non-judgmental.

Because we just allow ourselves to be,

To look at ourselves from a distance,

From the perspective of the observer.

And this is something which is spiritual,

Which is part of our non-physical being.

But meanwhile there are a lot of scientists and scientists that more and more find out about this fact in the physical world as well.

You see that brain scan here.

There have been researchers from Giesen and Howard that examined the effect of a meditation practice called MBSR,

Mindful based stress reduction,

With brain scans.

And the participants after eight weeks reported they were really really able to cope much better with stress.

And the brain structure could also be seen or observed as changing in significant ways.

There was less density of the gray mass around the amoghdana,

That's more in the core,

Which is important for processing stress and anxieties.

And there was more of this mass at the hippocampus and the regions that are responsible for empathy and self-perception.

Self-perception due to becoming the observer from meditation.

To get aware that you're so much more than your thoughts and your feelings.

Way more of a being which is in there,

Right?

And as we can sit with whatever we discover in Trigility when we meditate,

Let it be with us and be with it,

Free of judgement,

Without being ashamed of what we reveal.

We learn to simply observe and understand that what we find within is just what is.

Free of judgement.

And that it is okay to be there at that moment.

And due to this connection to our consciousness,

Lying beyond thoughts and emotions,

We experience the joy state of simply being.

The inner experience of worthiness by existing as well.

And these two aspects help us to make a conscious choice whether we want to enter into the subconscious programming that has been shaped in us by memories around not being worthy.

Because this is what brings up shame in us and the fear of rejection.

Somebody telling us in our lives,

Don't do this or you will be punished.

Or somebody not even telling us,

But there's just things,

You don't do that.

Otherwise you will be what?

What will be?

So I really want to underline that shame and it took me a long time to understand that because every emotion has a positive aspect.

Every single emotion.

And I was aware of that by my work and by the knowledge and the trainings that I did for so many emotions.

But it took me a huge time to understand it for shame.

What is the advantage of shame?

Shame drives people into silence.

It can interrupt relationships.

So I really,

Really struggle with finding out what shame is good for.

But there is something.

Shame up to a certain level makes us compatible in a social way.

Right?

It keeps us from crossing borders that might lead to abandonment and rejection of the group that we would like to belong to.

So this is a positive aspect of shame,

But up to a certain level.

And in our society,

This level has grown immensely.

It has exponentially exploded actually.

Also from media.

We always are said to buy something more,

To be enough,

To be more individual,

To be more fancy,

To be more worthy by having a new cell phone,

A new car.

Right?

So there is a lot of ongoing in the outer world telling us you're not enough as well.

So please don't abandon shame completely from the range of feelings and feelings that we can be grateful for.

It has its reason.

But when it gets too much,

It takes over way too much control about who we are and how we are.

So this way,

Meditation brings us clarity,

Balance and tranquility.

It empowers us to create a balance of our emotions,

Also of shame.

We can get to an intuitive understanding that what we revealed is human,

Worthy and not excluding ourselves.

Understanding the grip of beliefs around worthiness and fear of rejection is what we can find if we look inside.

Because within us,

We are enough.

We are.

Right?

And from this place,

And from this consciousness coming from meditation,

We can decide from our intuition whether we want to open up to someone and not from shame.

Whether we struggle with an enormous task in the job and need support,

Whether we want to tell someone what he or she means to us,

Whether we want to admit that we have the fear to lose someone,

Whether we want to say sorry,

Or whatever it is that we need from someone else to dissolve something that is occupying us.

We can make that decision from intuition and clarity from our connection to our higher self.

Or if it is not the right time and not the right person to do so,

Because you gain clarity around that as well in there.

Of course,

This can also be the right decision,

As long as it is not coming from a place of shame.

And very,

Very,

Very often,

If we follow our intuition,

Our understanding from being the observer,

And not from the understanding of our fears and judgment,

The decision to open up will be there way more often.

The courage or the decision to share a genuine part of our true self will come way more often.

It will lead us to open up self-revealing,

Saying something about our self instead of the other person.

I made a mistake.

You made me make a mistake.

Do you get the difference?

I am sorry.

That went wrong.

Do you feel the difference of the energy?

I need help.

This is really not working.

Someone needs to support.

Because from there,

The most beautiful connections arise as we are all connected to each other through the energies that exist everywhere on earth,

Right?

You can enter a room full of people.

The atmosphere,

The energy will affect you.

We don't need to touch each other for that.

It's just there.

It's an exchange all of the time.

And emotions ultimately are energy in motion.

Energy exchanging between people,

Which we can change in their quality of charge.

We can tuck that energy in for a while,

It's true.

But honestly,

It finds its way into motion again.

In a charge that we don't control anyway.

Exploding in anger,

Running down in tears.

It gets into motion again.

Just charged differently from what it was before.

So,

What happens if you send out genuinely?

If you let go of the need to control.

What happens if you send out emotions self revealing?

I think you have the answer yourself in a way.

How do you receive emotional energy sent out to you genuinely?

Imagine a friend,

A colleague,

Your partner,

Your child,

Your parent,

Whoever.

Someone comes up to you in a real and honest way of opening up.

Maybe even a stranger.

Around insecurities,

Uncertainty,

The feeling of being overwhelmed and asks you for help.

Maybe asks you for an apology.

Or maybe even says no to something that you would like to have a yes to in a vulnerable way.

What would happen?

How would you charge this energy that was sent out to you?

In how many cases out of ten would you judge the person?

Send the person away and not help?

In how many cases would you reject the apology?

And in how many cases would you primarily be offended to get a no where you wanted to have a yes if a person is really opening up honestly?

And in how many cases would you feel touched,

Connected?

And think of ways to support.

Would you accept an apology even for something that you have been really disappointed about moments ago?

Could you accept an honest no for something that you would have liked the yes without feeling rejected or annoyed?

Of course there are exceptions.

You don't have enough capacity to support someone to say yes.

But even then,

Wouldn't you at least consider who else can help and be of help?

Or something has been too hurtful for you to forget it completely,

Right?

But would you not find a certain peace for yourself and for that person in it if that person apologizes from the heart in human vulnerability?

So I think the answers that you find in the experience of your own life show you what happens if you reach out in the energy of self-revelation.

Can you remember moments when it was hard for you to ask for something and in the end it was given to you easily?

Maybe even with delight and you were surprised about it and there was so much thought around it in your head before you asked it.

And it was not a deal at all.

I do.

I really do.

I know moments where when I felt at the rock bottom and I asked a good friend for comfort and shelter and it was a huge bridge to cross for me because I was really not at a point of glowing or happiness.

And without delay this friend let me know when she was coming just to be there and she came and was just there and I was grateful.

I can remember being honest with business partners and letting them know that I'm not capable of playing tactical games around payment for our cooperation,

Asking them that I need clarity instead of tactics and negotiation.

And I got respect and clarity with a fair payment offer.

Honestly before I did that I kind of thought this is ridiculous that you're opening up that way.

But I was so surprised by the respect that I gained.

And in the end this business partner told me he was impressed by the courage to open up that way.

It's not too many people doing that but we all in a way want to because there's many of us that don't want to enter in all the games that we play all day with our partners,

With our business partners,

With our family,

With friends.

Life is not about playing games between in relationships.

It's about playing games together in a relationship but that's a different story.

Like they can be very joyful to have to play games but not between each other maybe.

So in the end reaching out in self-revealing genuine energy and motion rarely transforms negatively.

It way more often creates connection in huge humanity because action coming from your humanity creates response coming from your humanity.

And this is what I want to leave you with.

To really encourage you to go inside,

Look at the moments and the situations that you feel insecure around and instead of avoiding them be with them in meditation for a while.

And after that decide how to treat them and to who you want to open up.

To again and again and again get the experience and the reference that you're very worthy of belonging when you open up your vulnerable side.

Thank you so much.

God bless.

Reviews

Thanks for your beautiful talk!!