Boundaries Make People Uncomfortable — Moment Of Truth

Nobody warns you that when you start setting boundaries, people will not applaud. Some will be confused. Some will be hurt. Some will tell you that you have changed — as though that is an accusation.

In this Moment of Truth, Ipek gets honest about what actually happens when you start saying no, why the discomfort of others is not a sign that you did something wrong, and what it really means to finally know where you end and someone else begins.

Transcript

Here is an uncomfortable truth, Boundaries make people uncomfortable. Specifically, And let's be precise here, They make uncomfortable the people who built their relationship with you around the assumption that you did not have any. Nobody tells you this part. The personal growth world will give you all the language. Your needs are valid. You are allowed to say no. Protect your energy. And then leave out the fairly significant detail that when you actually start doing these things, The response from some of the people in your life will range from confused to wounded to quietly furious. You will say no to something you would previously have said yes to while resenting every minute of it. And the person, On the other hand, Who has come to rely on that yes, Will not say, Wow, I'm so glad you are finally honoring your limits. They will say, I cannot believe you would do this to me. Or more likely, They will not say anything and just create a very specific kind of atmosphere that communicates it clearly enough. And here is the moment that trips up most people. Because at that point, All the old wiring kicks in. The discomfort of the other person feels like evidence. Evidence that you did something wrong. That you are selfish, That a good person, A loving person would not cause this. And so, You apologize. You won't get back. You find a way to say yes after all. And you feel briefly the relief of having restored harmony. Followed immediately by the quiet erosion of having abandoned yourself again. Here is. . . What I want you to understand. The discomfort another person feels when you set a boundary is real. It is also theirs. It belongs to them, Not to you. It's not a bill you are responsible for paying. It's not evidence that your boundary was wrong. It's simply the natural friction that happens when a dynamic that was working very well for one person stops working quite so conveniently. A boundary is not a punishment. It is not a wall. It's not a statement about whether you love someone. It's the simplest, Most honest thing in the world. This is where I end and you begin. I know that now, And I am allowed to live accordingly. Some people will adjust, Some will not. And that information, While painful, Is also useful. Is your moment of truth for today.