Everyday Mindfulness Show: Relationships & The Choice Of Possibilities With Brendon Watt

Holly interviews Brendon Watt about his new book Relationship: Are You Sure You Want One. Interestingly, he wrote the book while being in a relationship with Simone Milasas and ended the relationship before the book came out. They navigated the publicity as a team, even though they were stepping out of their relationship.

Transcript

Welcome to the Everyday Mindfulness Show where we educate and inspire people to live fuller lives through mindful practices.

Let's get started with your host,

New York Times contributor,

Leadership advisor,

Sought after keynote speaker,

The author of the Amazon hot new release,

Everyday Mindfulness from chaos to calm in a crazy world,

She's smart,

Strong,

Sassy,

And a trendsetter in the field of mindful leadership.

Your host,

Holly Duckworth.

Welcome to the Everyday Mindfulness Show.

Today we are talking to Brendan Watt and Brendan has a really great book out that is going to make all of us smile this February.

I love the title.

Brendan,

Thanks for saying yes to coming on the show.

The title of your book is Relationship.

Are you sure you want one?

I like people smile.

Well,

It made me laugh because as we were prepping for the show,

I said,

Yes,

You don't want to know about the shit show curriculum I've had in relationship.

And I think,

You know,

Sometimes people take their relationships just a little too seriously,

Especially this year,

Election year here in America,

You know,

Chaos and craziness.

So I love the title relationship.

How did you come to write such a great book?

Well,

You know,

What's funny too,

Is it's like,

I talk to people about pretty much every topic with facilitating people around the world.

And it's like,

Even with parenting,

When it comes to that topic,

People have so many secrets about shouldn't I think this,

I know this,

But I shouldn't be I could never expose it.

And it's the same with relationship,

We do the same thing.

We're like,

We have all of these areas where we go,

It's a shit show.

It's a nightmare.

But I won't talk about it because that would make me wrong.

And that would make me terrible.

And it's like in this book,

We talk about everything that we had when it came to relationship.

And we actually wrote the book while being in a relationship.

And then we we ended the relationship before the book was launched.

And our PR agent was like,

Oh,

My God,

This is a nightmare.

Like,

Honey,

It's fine.

It's good copy.

And we were on Fox News.

And we're on all these big things in in the US at the time.

And they were like,

Well,

How are you a relationship expert when you are not in relationship?

Like,

I never said I was a relationship expert.

I'm just telling you how to have a good one if you want to have a good one.

So that's how the book came to us.

Well,

And that's that's what I love about this,

This industry is,

In a lot of cases,

We are the expert because we are willing to say the things that nobody's willing to say we have lived the things nobody's willing to say that they have lived.

Yeah.

And that is such a big part.

It's like that truly is what makes you an expert is what you're willing to say that other people want.

And it's like I looked for that my whole life with relationship with parents with everything when even when it came to finances,

I was like,

I wanted to find the people that would talk about the things that other people wouldn't.

And that's really how I've created everything in my life is finding those people that go,

You know,

What is the is the information that you're looking for?

Not is the information that will make you normal.

And that kind of leads us to sort of one of the themes of the work that you do,

Which is living life on your own terms.

So I really love that.

And a lot of times on the show,

We talk about questions.

And you talk about your life as a question I was I was preparing for the show.

I was so excited because I'm like,

Okay,

This guy thinks the way that I think and living life in the questions and taking that leap into the great unknown.

So you did that writing the book.

You started in one place,

You ended in a different place.

What's another example of a time in your life where you let the question create for you?

Well,

What I do is I pretty much every day I look at,

Okay,

What can I be today that I've not been willing to be before?

And that's pretty much how I live my life is from that place of what more can I add to it?

What more can I create?

Not how do I suffer what I had yesterday?

Not how do I put up with what I had yesterday?

And it's really it's one of the things that we that we tend to do a lot is we go,

Okay,

This was me yesterday.

So how do I keep creating from that point?

And for me,

I like to go,

You know what,

That was me yesterday,

But that doesn't not have to be me today.

So I keep moving forward from that point.

But also,

Also one of the things that we do is we go,

Well,

In order to have me,

I have to separate myself from everybody else.

And I've tried that also,

It doesn't work.

It definitely doesn't work.

But it's like,

But in order to have me and have the identity that I've created myself as I need to have my I need to separate from everything around me.

And what I've found is choosing for you never means choosing against anybody else or anything else.

It's just simply the place of okay,

What's what's true for me?

I love the there's there's two pieces in that to think about one is the identity I have created for myself.

In a world that says we've got to slap these titles.

I'm a mother.

I'm a father.

I'm an accountant.

I'm a doctor.

They really are just silly titles.

And I love your question because so often our world we get up and it's like,

What am I going to do today?

So you're living in this,

What am I going to be today energy?

How do you tell somebody to start doing that in a world that says to do list to do list to do list?

How do you get started doing that?

We've got it's it's for most people when they're ready for something like that,

They'll reach for it.

So most people for me,

It's like most people will ask me,

What do I do?

What do I do?

Or what can I change?

Or what other angle can I go with this?

When somebody asks that question,

I know that I can talk to them about something different.

But if the people in their lives,

If they're asking themselves that it's just a question.

And what I mean,

10 years ago,

I was the most depressed person you've ever met.

I'm putting myself at the bottom of the scale when it came to happiness.

And it's like I went,

Okay,

My life needs to change now.

Or I'm not living it anymore.

And within,

I think it was like six hours,

I found access consciousness,

And I started using the tools and my my life changed.

And that was six hours from me going,

You know,

What,

Done.

Something else needs to change it.

That's really the speed at which we can live our lives if we're willing to ask the question,

And then do whatever it takes to create it.

So what is this access consciousness thing?

Well,

It's a set of tools and the tools and processes that that can change any area of your life pretty much it's it starts with I mean,

We have four we talked about four elements of creation question starts with question everything starts with question choice,

Possibilities and contribution.

And it's like it it's a it's a way to I mean,

The tagline of access is empowering you to know what you know.

And this is what got me into it because I was like,

No,

What do you mean?

What do I know?

It's what everybody else knows.

That's what I should be learning.

And when I started figuring out what I knew,

I went,

Oh,

Wow,

This is a whole different world that I can live in based on me creating it,

Not somebody telling me how to live it.

Well,

And because you and I've explored a lot of different tools to bring us to this sense of what I call mindfulness access to consciousness awareness.

I think that our world is more ready now than ever before to look at what are these societal myths I like that that term that you use,

You know,

You're only as much as you earn,

You have to work hard to make a good living.

How have you looked at some of those social myths and use your tools to reprogram those myths to create truths that work for you?

Well,

One of the one of the things that we talked about one of the tools,

One of the tools in the beginning classes that we use is what's light is true for you,

What heavy what's heavy is a lot for you.

And this was a big one for me,

Because growing up,

It's like I get those knots in my stomach,

I'd be like,

Something doesn't feel right.

But I do it anyway.

And then go,

I knew that wasn't going to work,

But I chose it anyway.

But the thing that that I've learned and the thing that I've looked at is I've always known what was going to work for me and what was true in not only for me,

But in the world.

And it's like,

You know,

Watch the news.

And it's like,

You'll,

You'll know when something's not right.

You'll get something doesn't feel right.

But the thing we haven't been taught,

The thing we haven't acknowledged is to go with that knowing what we what we do is we go with what we hear,

We don't go with what we know.

And that's a major part in creating your life to be different if you want it to be different is good is is being aware of that doesn't feel right.

Something's not corrected,

And going with that knowing not going against it.

And for listeners who listen to the show on a regular basis,

I'll reflect that too.

Sometimes we might talk about this as not only what you know,

In the words that Brandon used,

But what you what you feel.

And so this is sometimes a daily practice for us to just Am I feeling joyful today?

Am I feeling heavy,

Frustrated,

Anger,

Joy,

And welcome that question of the emotions,

Identify with it and then choose from that place?

Well,

You know,

One of the good Well,

One of the things also is it's like,

We,

Your body feels your body feels everything that's going on,

And it will tell you things also.

And what we haven't been taught or looked at is that,

Okay,

So I feel this way.

Okay,

So what's my body telling me?

Because we,

We are connected in in it to a way that we don't often acknowledge.

And we kind of go,

Oh,

Well,

I feel like,

I feel tired.

As soon as you go to that place,

You are tired,

Because you've already gone,

I feel tired,

Or I feel sad,

Or I feel this,

And you're creating it based on that point of view.

And so is your body,

Because it hears you and goes,

Oh,

We feel like shit today.

Okay,

Good.

That's how we're functioning,

Rather than Okay,

What is this?

What do I do with it?

Can I change it?

And how do I change it?

And that's the four questions that that I use with everything.

So give me give me an example of that,

Or how we how can somebody apply those questions to a regular everyday life scenario?

Well,

One of the things one of the things that helped me the most was I realized that because I,

In growing up,

It was like,

I was sad,

I was unhappy I was but I was also so joyful inside.

And I was like,

What is what's the deal with this?

I don't know how to get to that joy,

When I've got all this sadness surrounding me.

And when I came along to access one of the one of the tools that I learned was,

Who does this belong to?

And I was like,

What?

And I and what we talked about is 98% of the thoughts,

The feelings and the emotions that you have don't belong to you,

You're just aware of them.

And when I got that key,

I went,

Oh,

That makes total sense.

So I started going,

Okay,

Is this mine?

No.

Oh,

Okay,

Good.

But it's like,

But I'm I mean,

I don't know about you.

But it's like,

I know when my mother's upset.

I know when my when a girlfriend's upset.

I know when people are upset,

Based on the energy,

Not,

Not based on me.

And I go,

Oh,

Okay,

Good.

That's not mine.

We tend to think everything we feel,

And everything that we're aware of,

Or anything that comes into our mind is us and it's not.

And that what comes into our world we have to act on.

I love that analogy of life as a buffet.

Well,

You know,

Spirit gives you a plate,

You can't put everything in the buffet on your plate.

And using these questions that you're providing using our feeling nature of what you know,

Okay,

I want the chicken that feels like the beef feels heavy that,

You know,

The jello salad is,

You know,

Feels heavy at the green salad feels light and how we can listen and then act.

That's the real key to this is acting once you connect to those feelings.

Yeah.

And that the way that you put it there,

That is living.

And see what most of us do is we create a lot and we go,

Okay,

This is it.

This is my life.

This is how I handle things or,

Or deal with it.

But true living comes from that place of you're in every moment,

Every single moment of your life,

You're living it,

You're going,

Okay,

What else could I add to this?

What else can I,

How can I make this greater?

And being in that constant state of question is that place where you,

You are no longer having a life,

But you are living it.

And the joy that can come from that,

And the I'll say that part,

The joy that can come from it,

But also the the courage that it takes,

Because most people hear that they're like,

And that sounds like too much work.

Yeah,

But it's not once you start choosing it.

And that's,

That's the thing that stops most people is they don't want to be that present.

I'm going to know too much about myself.

If I do that.

Yeah,

But what's wrong with that?

What if you knew everything about you?

Yeah,

You have a note here.

Bravery is the same as courage.

I never said that.

Well,

They're saying that that's one of the greatest challenges you talk about for men is this idea that bravery is the same as courage.

I think with men,

What we do is that the idea of bravery is to is to put your walls up and to be tough and be a man.

And it's like,

To be a brave man is to embrace the image of manhood.

For me,

I don't do that.

Courage to me is the willingness to be different and the willingness to choose what's true for you not dependent or not based on your image of what it is to be a man.

And that's that with with men that I've talked to that is just it's,

That's the thing that takes courage is to be different.

You know what?

I don't have any walls to this.

So I'm willing to be vulnerable with this.

That takes some serious courage as a man because in this world as a man,

You should be tough.

You should be the one who handles everything.

You should be the one who doesn't cry.

You should be the one who does all of those things.

But for me,

It's like,

I tried to grow up that way.

And it didn't work.

It just didn't work.

That this what I what I love about about this book and that these concepts is it goes back to the don't should on yourself.

Relationships Are you sure you want one?

I mean,

There is this societal construct that says,

Person A and person B do XC and you create life D.

And I love that in this book,

I mean,

It Well,

It's unfortunate your relationship transition,

You're a great example for Are you sure you want one based on the societal conditioning of what it is.

And I think 2020,

This year that we're embarking upon,

You're releasing the show in this month of love is we've never had a greater opportunity as human beings to explore what is relationship and say,

I'm not going to follow your little checkoff sheet.

I'm going to create my own new checkoff sheet.

And I'm going to check the things that I want and let go of the things that I don't.

Yeah,

And that's,

That's,

That right there is such a different point of view.

And people are starting to look from that place,

You know,

I'm not going to create my life the way that I've been told it needs to be lived.

I'm going to start looking at what's true for me.

And that that's the place also that takes courage,

But it's like,

It's where you start looking at,

Okay,

This relationship,

The way that it has been defined is,

I mean,

You have to give your life up for somebody else to be in relationship with them,

But you don't have to,

That's a lie.

And the relationship,

The great relationships that I've seen,

And I've been in them as well is where you have,

Before you even get in that relationship,

You have a great one with yourself.

And if you have that,

Then you're not getting into the relationship because you need something from somebody else.

You're getting into that relationship because it adds to your life.

And that's it full stop.

If it's not adding to your life,

Okay,

What do I need to change?

Or why am I in this?

So I know you've made a big life leap to continue to live these principles of access consciousness.

2020,

We're kind of creating new visions for our own life.

What are you looking to add to your life and your relationships personally or professionally in 2020?

Everything.

Everything?

Everything.

It's like,

I pretty much in just looking at every day,

How do I be more so that I can contribute more to the world?

And like you brushed on earlier that we're at a place right now with the world that we need to choose something different.

It's like the world needs it and the more I see the way that it's going,

The more I want to be more of me so that I can contribute more to it.

So that's what I look at.

I don't look at my life as this small piece.

I look at my life as what can I be so that I can add more to the world and so that we have somewhere to live that's happy.

I absolutely totally resonate with what you're saying.

So I'm curious if listeners want to get more you,

How do they go about doing that?

What are some of the tools and the services and things you provide that we can help you be more you?

You're wonderful.

Thank you.

Well,

I have a website.

That's about all I can tell you.

That's my name,

Brendanwatt.

Com.

But it's like,

I'm,

I mean,

I'm now staying in,

Well,

I would say living in Houston,

But I try and avoid saying that because of what do you call it?

The customs issue.

But it's like I'm staying here now as I travel,

I travel pretty much probably 48 weeks out of the month.

I'm always on the move.

So I'm all around the world and doing classes,

Facilitating people and having too much fun.

No such thing as too much fun here on the Everyday Mindfulness show.

I think that's really what life's about when we accept the call to be present in the moment,

Give our gifts fully.

And I'm loving all of these questions.

We're going to put some of these questions and we're certainly going to put Brendan's show link into the show notes.

Any other last minute words of wisdom or advice for our listeners as they build relationships that they really want to have this holiday season?

I would say,

I would say,

Allow yourself to look at the one choice you know you want to make right now that you're not making because you've decided it can't work or it won't work.

And allow yourself to have that choice in your world and choose it if it's going to create more or not choose it.

But allow those things into your world because what I've done my whole life is push those things outside of me that I thought,

I can't deal with that or that's too much.

And what I found was allowing them to actually come into my world and go,

Okay,

That's there.

Do I want to choose it has created more of a sense of me having me in my life.

So allow yourself to have the choices in your life that you think you can't choose,

Even if you don't choose them.

Oh,

Brandon,

That's such a great piece of advice and listeners on the show may know that my 2019 word of the year,

My intention for last year was allowing.

I could not have known what that word would mean when I picked it.

And that was the year of buying the house,

Buying a new car,

Expanding the business,

Writing another book.

So this stuff works when you work it.

And so,

Listeners,

I want to invite you into that question that Brandon gave us.

What is the one choice to allow more in your life?

Brandon,

Thanks for being on the show.

I look forward to having you on another episode sometime in the future.

Thank you.

Thank you for joining us for today's show.

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