The Negative Emotional Warfare Of Self-Gaslighting

What comes to mind when you hear the word negativity? What do you see, or more importantly, who do you see? The answer may surprise you as we take a one-on-one deep dive into empowering yourself through understanding self-esteem and one common unhealthy habit that kills the overall opinion of yourself, trashes your self-confidence and self-love, and often keeps you in cycles that can be exceptionally difficult to break. What is this habit? Self-gaslighting. It is a habit that is quick to own each of us. So, let us shift our perspectives and learn how to stop using our thoughts and inner conversations as emotional warfare against ourselves. Leveling up, shifting our mindset, and creating balance is more accessible than you think! This is a cognitive approach to your emotions.

Transcript

Okay,

Full disclosure right now,

Right off the bat.

Listen,

This conversation between you and I may make you extremely uncomfortable.

In fact,

I want to apologize right now because this conversation may actually trigger you.

It may force you to look at yourself,

Lean into some personal accountability and come to terms with not only your self-esteem,

But a few ways that you could be downgrading your greatness,

Owning other people's BS.

And it could potentially open your eyes to a relationship or two that are simply not working in your favor.

Now,

Of course,

That isn't a guarantee,

But I'm going to tell you it's actually quite likely.

All I ask is that you stay open.

Don't beat yourself up if you find that you do have some level of self-gaslighting entrenched in your behavior.

Can we agree to that?

Are you good?

Okay.

Now,

I think it's probably best if I guide you through a few serious questions.

Do yourself a favor and clear your mind for just a second.

Let go of any questions,

Concerns,

Or even wondering that may be happening right now.

And allow the first thing that comes to your mind as it floats to the surface when I say the word negativity.

What do you see in your mind's eye?

I'm going to let you sit with it for just a second.

You got it?

Okay.

Now,

Keep that thought with you and don't let it go because I want to tell you what the most,

Quote,

Normal responses are.

So if I ask someone to hand over the image that's connected to the word negativity for them,

They often paint a very vivid picture of someone in their lives.

Of the crazy amount of people I've asked to answer this question,

Do you know that not a single person has ever said they see themselves?

Never.

I bet you didn't see yourself either,

Right?

So the most common answers are,

I see my mother-in-law.

I see one or both parents,

A sibling,

A spouse.

And for women,

It's often that one friend who isn't actually a friend,

But neither person wants to actually admit their disdain for each other.

So everyone just keeps this nasty cycle going.

The point is,

It's always someone else.

But if I ask you to do the same exercise to allow the first image that comes to mind to be connected to these words,

Something really shifts and change.

So if I say the word self-doubt,

If I say undermining your efforts,

Belittling,

Dismissing experiences,

Those words are often easily correlated right back to the self.

Isn't that interesting though?

Because self-doubt,

Belittling,

Being dismissive are actually the very essence of negative experiences.

In fact,

It's so negative it has its own term.

Yep,

There it is,

Self-gaslighting.

It's so easy for us to identify someone else's negativity and their emotional and mental misgivings when it's directed to us.

But we struggle to own and identify how we impact ourselves.

Most people have heard the word gaslighting before,

But after a very watered down conversation on the Get Your Life Together Girl Instagram page,

It became extremely clear to me that many don't understand the full term or how it impacts us.

So gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation.

This often happens and comes from family,

Spouses,

Partners,

Friends,

Colleagues.

And in fact,

It can even happen among strangers.

I did just mention like every relationship possible,

Didn't I?

And that's the truth.

It can happen no matter the relationship.

But this abuse makes us question our thoughts,

Our feelings.

It can even make us question our reality and our sanity.

So with this understanding,

We can shift into self-gaslighting and know that it's a form of emotional abuse that is directed at the self and it's self-manipulation that causes us to constantly,

And I do mean daily at times,

Question ourselves,

Suppress our thoughts,

And even our emotions.

This is an extremely easy process to fall into if we do not have healthy self-esteem.

What's really interesting too is that that term self-esteem is something that most people don't actually have a good workable definition of or even a true understanding of.

Many people are not taught what self-esteem is.

We just throw it out there like,

Oh,

Her self-esteem must be bad.

But no one talks about what that actually means.

So self-esteem at its most basic is nothing more than the opinion we have of ourselves.

It's really that simple.

What is your opinion of you?

To have a healthy self-esteem means that you hold yourself in good regard.

To have an unhealthy or negative self-esteem must then mean that you don't have a healthy opinion of yourself.

So again,

What's your personal opinion of yourself?

What is your level of self-esteem?

That question ties right back to the first set of questions I asked in the beginning.

What comes to mind if I say the word negativity?

What about self-doubt?

The two are tied together.

Do you see yourself there?

To be empowered to own our lives,

We must have a healthy self-esteem.

Maybe you're asking,

Well,

OK,

What does that look like?

Can we see it from the outside?

Are there habits that one with a healthy self-esteem portrays?

Of course there is.

People with healthy self-esteem have a quiet confidence about themselves.

They know that they have the ability to navigate anything that comes into their lives.

They know that even the hard experiences have something for them in it.

That confidence carries them through and adds to the baseline opinion of themselves.

It adds to the self-esteem.

People with healthy self-esteem actually don't seek compliments.

This is a huge one because so often we are so guilty of turning to outside sources to build ourselves up.

But people with healthy self-esteem don't do this.

In fact,

When we turn to others to feed our confidence,

We're actually operating out of our ego,

Not a balanced and soulful place.

So people with healthy self-esteem don't look for compliments.

They use what they know to be true as a way to feed themselves,

Not their ego.

They also understand their worth.

They are generally humble people who know how to accept recognition and praise,

But again,

Don't seek it.

Those with a healthy self-esteem have a general interest in watching and assisting others achieve their dreams.

They understand that there's room for everyone.

That isn't to say that healthy competition shouldn't be in place.

It's just the simple understanding that they know that each person brings something unique to the table.

So even if someone is working in the same creative space or in the same position or trying the same idea,

People with healthy self-esteem understand that each person operates from their own perspectives,

Their own experiences,

And we're bringing something different to the table.

So when one person wins,

They believe that it opens the floor for others to do the same.

Here's another healthy operation.

They offer themselves internal praise.

Again,

This is not in hopes of feeding the ego or putting ourselves on a platform or a pedestal,

But instead it's really in hopes of feeding the soul because there's a big difference,

Right?

So the ego looks and sounds like,

I want,

I have to,

I have,

And the soul says things like,

I am.

There's a huge difference between those two,

And those with healthy self-esteem truly understand this difference.

And lastly,

At least for this conversation,

Those with a healthy self-esteem cultivate and nurture healthy relationships.

These people really look for balance.

They look for a meeting in the middle,

An understanding that they can only meet someone where they are without having to do all of the work,

Right?

We give space to other people to allow them to be who they are,

As they are,

Without having to give up all of ourselves and really become hostage to the emotions of any relationship.

So with that understanding,

We probably don't even need to spend time talking about negative self-esteem,

Do we?

We all know what that looks like.

We all know what it feels and sounds like when someone does not like themselves,

At least from the outside in.

But what about from the inside out?

Think of the definition I gave you of gaslighting in the beginning,

In case you've forgotten it.

Here it goes again.

It's a form of emotional abuse and self-manipulation that causes us to constantly question ourselves,

Suppress our thoughts and our emotions.

Remember too how I said it's an easy process to fall into if we don't have a healthy self-esteem?

Now it's all coming together,

Right?

It may feel impossible to emotionally manipulate yourself,

But I'm going to walk you through a few instances and see if anything in those sound familiar.

Okay,

So here it goes.

Let's say someone close to you has said something hurtful.

You notice almost immediately that their words have hurt your feelings.

But in that same instance,

Almost subconsciously,

You begin making excuses for that person.

Or perhaps you have this conversation with yourself that sounds like,

I'm probably just making a bigger deal out of this than I should.

It's probably nothing.

I'm just being sensitive.

Okay,

So listen,

If you don't have a habit of generally overreacting,

What you're engaging in is the definition of self-gaslighting.

You see,

The problem is that you went from someone's nasty comment where your feelings are hurt.

We're going to call that point A,

All the way to point C,

Where you've began to make excuses and completely dismissed your feelings.

You missed point B,

Where you should have validated your emotions.

You should have weighed and leaned into them,

Really considered yourself,

And then ultimately made a decision based on the baseline opinion you hold of you.

Yes,

It's back to that definition and operation of self-esteem.

If you have a good self-esteem,

When someone hurts your feelings,

You're not going to jump from point A to point C and allow someone else's opinion to trump your own.

When we do that,

We are in the habit of self-gaslighting.

We're manipulating our feelings to make it work for someone else.

If this still doesn't feel clear,

Let me give you a few other examples.

Let's say someone says to you,

You are so dramatic.

I swear you are crazy.

If you're engaging in self-gaslighting in that moment or the days that follow,

Your inner conversation is going to sound like,

I am too dramatic.

Gosh,

Maybe I am crazy.

Or someone says,

Stop exaggerating everything.

That's all you do.

You're probably going to tell yourself something like,

I know they love me and they don't mean to hurt me like this.

Maybe I do make too much out of most things.

They say,

This is all in your head.

I'm not doing anything wrong.

I swear there is something wrong with you.

Quit being so jealous.

You,

Then engaging in self-gaslighting,

Would sound like,

It is in my head.

I wish I could trust there's just something wrong with me.

Or how about when someone says,

If you loved me,

You wouldn't have done this.

Or if you love me,

You would do this for me.

Then you would say internally,

I do love them.

Maybe I need to do what's best for them.

Does any of that sound familiar?

Can you now see why I said it's so easy to fall into this unhealthy trap if you view yourself in a negative way,

If you have an unhealthy self-esteem?

If how you see yourself is already negative and you are confronted with these situations,

It is so easy to build on that negativity and just fall deeper into a negativity trap.

Beyond that,

Using this sort of emotional warfare on yourself is so unhealthy.

It can cause us to get into a constant state of anxiety,

And it even pushes our mental health into an extremely fragile state.

It can cause us to have a snowball effect that elevates our likelihood to experience depression,

Paranoia,

And let's be honest,

Our confidence,

Self-love,

Self-trust,

And mindset become basically trash.

They become non-existent for many people.

You might as well wad it up and shoot a three-pointer at the trash can with all those good-feeling habits,

Self-expression,

And personal operations because you're not going to need them anymore.

They're not even going to be available to you if you continue that pattern.

What's even more damaging is that once we begin to thrive in a state of negativity,

Our ability to connect with others often takes a turn into another factor of poor self-esteem.

We begin to seek validation from the outside in hopes of making ourselves feel better on the inside.

Again,

Here we are asking for our ego to be filled and to be taken care of instead of seeking a true soulful experience where there's connection within ourselves and connection with others.

You know,

It never works because we cannot affirm what we do not believe.

Beyond those examples,

There are several other signs and symptoms of self-gaslighting.

I need you to brace yourself,

Though,

Because you may have done this as recently as today.

Okay?

It's belittling.

You know,

If you belittle yourself,

You are 100% manipulating your emotions.

Listen,

If you find yourself constantly putting yourself down,

Calling yourself names,

Trashing your greatness,

Dumping negative gasoline on how you feel,

Think,

How you show up,

How you look at the world,

How you look at yourself,

Whatever it may be,

You are 100% self-gaslighting.

It's here,

Right in that moment,

That we have to stop and question why.

When you ask this question,

It stops the thought process,

And we then get to ask the next logical question.

Do these opinions honestly belong to me?

Or are these things that I've been told,

Perhaps as a child,

As a spouse,

As a friend,

Whatever it may be,

And are these other people's beliefs of me that I have owned,

Regardless of them not being true?

Do these thoughts belong to me,

Or do they belong to someone else?

It's a huge question.

It's one that can stop self-gaslighting in its tracks.

If those thoughts and opinions belong to someone else,

Don't you think it would be time to let them go and really stop taking ownership over them?

If you let it go,

What would happen?

It would allow you to re-evaluate your opinion of yourself.

Yes,

It would allow you to re-write and re-evaluate your self-esteem.

The second operation in self-gaslighting is undermining yourself.

This is a big one.

How many times have we all done this?

Probably too many to count.

I know that I am guilty.

I'm holding up my hand.

It's something that really can block us and keep us from our greatness and certainly trashes our self-esteem.

Now,

This is really important to hear because we hear,

Okay,

You undermined yourself,

So,

Oh,

My gosh,

That means that I'm in this full operation of self-gaslighting.

No,

Just because you have undermined yourself one or two times or in small ways doesn't mean that you have an operation of self-gaslighting.

Not at all.

But what happens is when you are constantly in this behavior,

When you're constantly undermining yourself,

You can certainly lean into the next questions and deep dive into their answers because it is likely that you are using this form of self-manipulation.

So the first question to ask would be,

Do I do something like,

Say,

Set a goal and put that goal into action?

And then as soon as I've made movement towards it,

I begin to question every word,

Every thought,

And even my ability to carry out the goal.

Perhaps then you even call yourself stupid or unworthy and any other negative statement that you would really put the goal to the side or even create barriers and blockers that are not going to allow you to reach your final destination.

If so,

Then that is a form of self-gaslighting.

Question two,

Do you tell yourself you are not good enough and so it's better not to try?

How is that not the greatest form of self-manipulation,

Right?

I mean,

When you say,

I shouldn't even try because I know I'm going to fail,

You're absolutely making sure that you can downgrade your greatness and never get started.

Question three is,

Do you push people and opportunities away because it's easier than,

Say,

Quote,

Getting hurt or failing?

That's a big one,

Isn't it?

Question four is,

Do you shut the outside world out because it's best for you not to be seen?

You don't even feel worthy enough to be seen.

If so,

You are 100% self-gaslighting,

Self-manipulating,

And you are trashing your worth,

Your self-esteem,

Your present moment,

And honestly,

You are cheating your future.

You're cheating you out of the greatness that's available for you,

Not only in this moment today,

But also what could unfold for you.

So even if we have this in full operation right now,

You still are very likely to have these goals and ambitions and intentions that you want to show up in the future.

But when you stop yourself from really owning your self-esteem and engage in these kind of behaviors,

You cheat yourself out of these great opportunities.

You have to stop.

Your worthiness and your greatness absolutely comes down to what you think you're capable of,

The opinion you hold of yourself,

And whether you think you're worthy or not.

That leads us straight into self-doubt.

Okay,

We've all experienced self-doubt.

It becomes a problem and becomes a form of self-gaslighting when the doubt becomes the truth.

That I'm not good enough turns into the perspective that you hold of yourself,

Right?

It becomes the self-esteem.

What you tell yourself grows.

How you feel grows.

The actions that you take are all done to create what?

Growth.

So if you tell yourself you are not smart enough,

Over time,

You'll turn that doubt into a belief.

It grows then into an operation that becomes the roadblock,

Right?

That's where the manipulation comes in.

So the self-gaslighting turns your light off on your ability to reject this falsehood without rewiring the pattern of thinking.

It becomes our daily focus.

It becomes how we see everything.

We have to stop.

You wouldn't have these feelings,

These thoughts,

These things come into your life if you were not capable of doing them.

So let the self-doubt go and just remind yourself that what is before you is for you.

Another behavior of self-gaslighting is taking on blame and then blaming yourself.

When our self-esteem is like at a negative zero,

We tend to take blame for things that was never ours in the first place.

So someone will say,

You know,

If this wouldn't have occurred,

You wouldn't have been a problem.

Is that true?

Do you really have to own everyone's opinion?

Of course you don't.

That's where guilt comes in,

Right?

Taking on someone else's opinion of you that maybe you didn't show up the way that they needed you to,

Where that minimizes you and how you needed to show up and what you needed in that moment.

In doing so,

We really dismiss or minimize our feelings,

Our experiences,

And our self-esteem.

If self-gaslighting is in full operation,

We even have a hard time finding and owning our personal truth.

So if you're busy owning everyone else's opinions,

Like I just said,

You really never give yourself permission or space to own what's yours,

The very essence of you,

Your personal opinion of yourself.

Sounds familiar,

Right?

Self-esteem.

Can we overcome this?

Of course we can.

So let's break down how.

The first step is to get down to the root of the gaslighting.

When we have critical thoughts of ourselves,

These negative things,

It's important to know that they started somewhere.

It's not like babies look at themselves in the mirror and they think,

Damn,

I'm not good enough.

Right?

It's not like as little kids we're like,

No,

I'm not going to be able to do that.

I'm not good enough for it.

No,

Our experiences,

The people around us,

The words that are spoken to us,

Those are the things that try to define us.

Those are the opinions,

The perspectives that we own.

So they shift our perspectives if we let them.

Sometimes we don't even realize that we're allowing these things to really take over and own so much of our lives.

But when we allow these negativities to take root,

Of course they grow.

So when we're flushing out and deep diving into the why,

We can ask ourselves who is speaking.

Again,

Back to that same thought before.

Is this you?

Is this a past experience?

Is this someone else who is speaking these quote unquote truths?

In doing so,

We can also remember that opinions are not facts.

Opinions are what we choose to believe.

They are our truths only if we make them our beliefs.

Opinions are really nothing more than thoughts that we have given validation to.

The second step is to acknowledge how this self-gaslighting shows up for you.

Is it holding you back?

Do you hold yourself back?

Are you even emotionally available not only just to others,

But for yourself?

That is a huge question.

Can you own your emotions?

Are you suppressing how you feel because it's easier than owning a different truth?

Of really working to rewrite a different opinion of yourself?

It's hard work.

It's not easy,

But it's something that's absolutely necessary if you want to build a life that is,

Of course,

Built on a better opinion of yourself,

But a life that's built in truth,

In availability,

In self-love,

In trust,

And respect.

When you identify the words and actions of how they show up for you,

How the self-gaslighting is in place in your life,

You can really start putting a stopgap in place.

That sounds like,

Are these thoughts,

Feelings,

And actions necessary?

Does this make me feel my best?

Is this how I want to feel?

Do these behaviors really tank my self-esteem and ruin my worth?

And if so,

Can I really take this behavior out,

Look at it,

Get it down to just the facts,

And then stop using it as warfare against myself?

That sounds like easy questions to answer,

But yet the operation is certainly harder.

But when you know how this is showing up for you,

You can choose something on the other end of the spectrum.

So if you know that you are trashing your worth every time you move into any situation,

You can neutralize it and say,

You know what?

I really don't know how this is going to unfold,

So I'm going to be open to it instead of anticipating how this may play out.

This allows you to break the negative cycle.

The third step is a process that isn't easy.

I'm not going to lie to you.

It's not easy to do these steps and to change the behavior.

It is something that is necessary to be practiced,

And it does take effort.

But the third step is to lean in and start making an effort to change your self-talk.

Remember,

Self-esteem is based on the opinion of yourself.

And so self-gaslighting is really the negative thoughts,

The words,

The actions that you use against you.

So when we lean in and we ask,

How do I speak to myself?

It allows us to open our eyes to the behavior.

Let's be honest.

Self-gaslighting is often a coping skill that has helped us through past trauma.

It's these pieces we put in place to help us survive,

To emotionally survive,

To thrive in our mental health,

To push things down that we'd rather not deal with.

Again,

Remember that the baby doesn't look at itself in the mirror and have an opinion.

Instead,

It is our experience.

And when we lie to ourselves,

When we say,

They don't mean to do that,

They love me,

We really lean into experiences and say,

This is my fault,

I actually am to blame.

And then we get into a negative thought cycle.

We get into a negative emotional cycle.

But when we come to terms with our experiences,

We do the hard work,

We heal.

We realize that sometimes people can love us and still do things that have lasting effects.

If the only way we feel we can heal is to let these moments go,

And we go to that person who's involved in this moment,

And we seek resolution,

But what we receive in return is sort of a brush off or a devaluing of our emotions,

No responsibility,

Just a simple denial,

We must then really come to terms and realize that some people and experiences have not earned nor deserve a seat at our table any longer.

If the only way we can stop self gaslighting and really elevate our opinion of ourselves is to not engage with these people and places and things,

Then that is what we have to give ourselves permission to do.

That is changing the self talk.

It's changing the behavior.

It's moving into owning who you are.

The next step comes down to giving yourself permission and a willingness to lean into your emotions.

The self talk is one thing,

And of course,

It is emotion based,

But there's something below the talk,

Below the words.

It's really the emotions.

Exploring our feelings is necessary anytime we find ourselves in emotionally rocky territory.

We must be able to question our feelings.

We have to break them down to just the facts and ask ourselves the hard questions.

Those additional questions sound like,

How has this habit of gaslighting served me in the past?

How did it help me cope with the people,

Places and things that I've had occur in my life?

How does this habit no longer serve me?

How does it make me feel?

Is it stealing my ability to show up?

Is it stealing my ability to really thrive in healthy emotions?

When we want to break behaviors,

We must always do this through grounded,

Fact based exploration.

This breeds self-awareness.

If you don't have a healthy self-esteem,

It's very likely that you are not fully in your awareness.

But when we explore,

When we understand that we can sort through our emotions,

Our thoughts,

And we can lean into the truth of any situation,

And we can do so without doubting,

Belittling,

Or even causing more emotional damage,

We give ourselves something that is an extremely precious inner power.

We give ourselves the ability to flip the opinion.

We give ourselves the ability to own our truth.

When we gaslight,

We judge.

We create a negative narrative that kills our self-worth and our self-esteem.

When we're so in our heads,

Our thoughts can really help us borrow trouble and create our own suffering.

When we explore,

When we become aware,

We understand there's something much more for us,

And we begin to engage in what is available instead of what was.

To quickly recap,

The steps to shift the self-gaslighting habits are,

Number one,

You have to recognize that it's occurring.

Two,

You have to give yourself permission to change the thought process.

Three,

We have to look within,

Go within,

Encounter the statements and experiences that are causing us to doubt ourselves,

Causing us to really give up on ourselves and to gaslight.

Number four,

We have to explore our feelings with an openness,

Being aware,

And really allowing ourselves to process as needed.

And the last step is to honor your actual factual truth.

When you know the truth,

You have the power to create a new opinion.

You have the power to build a new definition of self-esteem.

You have the power to let go of this behavior that simply doesn't serve you.

No one should have to constantly question themselves,

Suppress their thoughts and emotions,

And manipulate themselves to the point that their opinion is simply trash.

Don't you deserve to feel your best?

Don't you deserve to speak kindly to yourself?

Ultimately,

Don't you deserve to hold an opinion of yourself that is written in truth,

Written in respect,

And honors your true greatness?

You do deserve that.

Just because things have been bumpy along your way,

Just because you've experienced things that have been less than or made you not feel the best,

Doesn't mean that you have to allow those things to make you feel like you are not good enough.

You are.

You deserve to feel good enough.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode,

Which originally aired on the Get Your Life Together Girl podcast.

Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on Insight Timer for more courses,

Meditations,

And additional conversations.

Until next time,

Be kind to yourself and others.

Reviews

Love it! Self-Compassion from différent and very interesting point of view!

tons of great info and i appreciate the definitions of things like self esteem. i’ll listen several more times as it was a lot to take in 🙏