Chapter 13 Conscious Relationships In order to heal our relationships,
We have to stay present with our emotions when other people make us feel uncomfortable.
If we can do this,
We will begin to understand what it means to understand.
Typically,
However,
We choose to become defensive when charges of right and wrong are being volleyed about.
Instead of acknowledging our true feelings,
We tend to put the focus on how the other person is wrong and protect ourselves by fighting back or silently turning inward.
And of course,
It is very tempting to do this when someone offends us,
But what does this really achieve?
Often,
Only heightened conflict,
Prolonged inner strife,
And mutual unhappiness.
Rather than fanning the flames of tension and discord,
However,
We can learn to bridge the gap of separation that exists between us at the best of times and open our hearts to our own and another's pain.
If we can allow the unpredictability of life to touch us and not react in anger,
Disbelief,
Or arrogance in those moments when we feel slighted,
We will grow in understanding and acceptance of ourselves and others.
If we can accept our pain and the ways in which we have been hurt by another's actions,
We can stay open to the reality of our experience and ever so gently put down the shields which have kept our egos safe and our tempers alive.
If we are able to truly acknowledge our wounds,
We can slowly open to the possibility of forgiveness,
To finding the courage to wish happiness upon those who we think have wronged us.
Although it is very difficult,
It is altogether possible to reach out from behind our bruised and defensive egos and try earnestly to understand our own and another's feelings.
To do this,
Patience is needed,
As is a desire to accept our own indignation.
Unless we can sit with our own anger,
Embarrassment,
And fear upon hearing someone's accusations,
We will never be able to build a bridge between us and will stay locked in our defensive isolation.
In simpler terms,
We need to take it upon ourselves to let go of our need to always be right and to make others wrong.
We must find the courage to be the first to lay down our arms and extend an understanding hand.
If we remain trapped in our emotions and fail to disassociate with them by mindfully observing them and changing the way we respond to them,
We will remain angry and at the emotional mercy of others.
By not honouring our own pain,
We'll only carry it around,
Perhaps to use in the future,
To be able to say,
You hurt me once and I'm still hurting from it and holding on to it.
If we're able to liberate ourselves from our unconscious reactions,
However,
We'll lose the desire to judge others as we've long judged ourselves.
We'll begin to understand that their actions are about them and we'll let go of the need for them to behave in any particular way.
The cauldron of inner acceptance is full of more ingredients than we might like to acknowledge.
We imagine that our uncomfortable feelings will hurt us,
But it is in the avoidance of them that we do real harm.
This unwillingness to acknowledge our emotions can result in a negative action being directed toward another or toward ourselves,
Both ways in which we avoid investigating those parts of us that we have labelled as undesirable.
We need to amend the reactive patterns in us that we learned as children.
Without the responsibility of an adult,
Our inner children will run amok.
Even though we may know that what we're doing is hurtful,
We may still find ourselves wanting to grab from the outside to cover up the discomfort inside of us.
And even when we can stop the drinking or the overeating or whatever,
We will still ultimately be stuck with ourselves.
And unless we are prepared and willing to lovingly keep running to ourselves instead of the bar or the fridge,
We will continue to turn to some external avenue in an attempt to hide from our feelings.
Perhaps the most difficult thing that anyone can do is to sit with themselves.
This is,
Of course,
Hard enough when we are alone and consciously determined to succeed.
The real test is when life is our meditation room,
When we try to bring an awareness and acceptance of our feelings to real-life situations and our interactions with others.
We often exacerbate difficult situations in life by blindly reacting to them.
If we can increase the time we spend observing our emotions in those moments when we're alone and untriggered,
However,
We will be much better prepared to respond in a mindful,
Compassionate,
And assertive manner when we do encounter adversity in our lives.
We cannot hide from ourselves or from life.
Every relationship that we have has been perfectly designed to push our buttons so that we can accept that we have them.
We should do our best to allow those around us to be as they are and take courage and faith in knowing that they've been brought into our lives for our own growth.
We should also remember that we can only truly know and love another after we have learned to know and love ourselves.
It is important to keep our focus on unlocking the mystery that we are,
On placing our attention on our own feelings and path in order to see it more clearly.
We should do our best to lead our lives in ways that move closer to our own breath and our own heart,
In ways that help us accept and nurture ourselves.
In the acceptance of our emotions and the relationships that bring them out in us,
We can find wholeness,
Peace,
And love.
As we more fully begin to accept ourselves,
We will move into a place of greater acceptance of all things and will begin to realize that compassion itself is born of acceptance.
The acceptance of our fears,
Our desires,
And our destiny.
