Selfgentleness For (Highly) Sensitives LIVE Recording 9/1/23

This is the recording of Femke's monthly Live of 1 September 2023. In this talk Femke's shares how (highly) sensitives (and who isn't?!) can become more self-gentle to deal with sensitivity. Femke speaks from her own experience and argues that becoming more open to our own sensitivity will help us to lead an easier life.

Transcript

Hello lovely friends,

Welcome to my monthly live,

I am back,

Summer has passed,

Well most of it,

And I am here for the very first live of the after summer.

I have 4 lives planned today and the title is self gentleness for highly sensitives and sensitives and who actually isn't sensitive,

We'll speak more about that in a minute.

And I have on the 13th of October releasing resistance,

On the 10th of November self gentleness in relationships and on the 8th of December preparing for a self gentle 2024.

So once a month I am here and I will have a talk with you and then I will guide you in the meditation so you can experience for yourself how my words can help you in your way,

Something that fits you.

So before I start,

My name is Hemke Bakker,

I am a meditation teacher here on Insight Timer and I love to hear who you are,

Where you are in the world and tell me something about yourself.

Are you sensitive?

Are you highly sensitive?

Has it been bothering you or is it something that you are embracing?

Really happy to hear from you.

Hi Petta,

Good morning to you,

Lovely that you are here.

Hi Steven,

Hi Maitri from New Mexico,

Welcome.

Hi Luanne,

Thank you for your welcome back,

Really happy to see you.

Hi Nita from Augusta,

Georgia,

Welcome.

Hi Mary from England,

Lovely to see you back also.

Hi Emily from Sweden,

Lovely to see you.

Hi Gwen,

Gwen is saying that she is struggling with being highly sensitive in Pittsburgh,

Pennsylvania,

Yes,

I get you,

We will get to that in a minute.

Hi Maureen,

Lovely to see you back.

Hi Jean from Chicagoland and you are highly sensitive.

Steven is also very sensitive,

You are a borderline.

Hi Serena,

Hi Amy,

Serena is from Little Rock.

Amy says,

I am a sponge for the mood in the room and very good at communicating with animals.

Yes,

That is something that sensitive people,

Highly sensitive people are really good in,

Feeling the mood in a room and communicating with animals.

Lovely that you are sharing that,

Great to hear.

Hi Ambit,

What is highly sensitive?

Well I will get to that in a minute,

Let's just take a few minutes to have people get in and then we will get to that.

So Maitreyi says highly,

In my genes and trauma,

Read Aaron's dissertation.

Alright,

Thank you for that tip.

Luanne says I am definitely a highly sensitive person but I have learned to think of it as a positive trait.

Well that is the spirit Luanne,

That is really,

Really great,

That is something that is really important,

We will get to that also.

Hi Abby from Canada,

British Columbia,

That is right,

BC.

Hi Mariam,

You are also HSP and an empath,

That very often joins together,

Right?

Lisa from Oregon,

Highly sensitive with people,

Animals and trees,

That is beautiful.

Mary says,

As Femke knows,

I am highly sensitive where animals are involved,

Yes.

Hi V,

Lovely to see you.

Hi Cherry,

Lovely to see you and thank you for your lovely review from the course that you did.

I just read it before I went online for the live.

Thank you so much,

I am happy that you enjoyed the course.

Alright,

Let's start.

First of all,

Disclaimer,

As you might hear in my voice,

I have a bit of a cold,

Which is almost finished,

That is perfectly fine,

But I do have a cough here and there and it is my worst nightmare that I am going to cough here,

Right in the middle of a meditation.

So I am telling you already in advance,

That might happen,

Nothing wrong,

I will try to get over it as soon as possible and maybe now I take the tension off and there will be no coughing,

Let's hope,

Alright.

Hi Mel,

Lovely that you are here too,

Thank you so much.

Hi Rose,

So many people are highly sensitive people,

Great theme,

Yes.

Alright,

Let's start.

So let me start with a confession myself.

I never saw myself as a highly sensitive person.

I was criticizing myself for being oversensitive.

You might recognize that,

Right?

It is actually only since recently that I started to own the fact that I am highly sensitive and that actually there is not something wrong with it,

Like Luanne just said,

I start to see it as a positive trait.

That really took me some effort and some help from my loved ones to support me in that,

To show me that it was okay,

That I was what I called oversensitive.

So what do I mean with criticizing myself with oversensitivity?

Well I felt that I was very sensitive,

Very emotional,

Very quickly feeling things,

Picking up where others are at without exactly knowing what it is that is going on,

But being so sensitive to that,

That taking it really,

Really personal.

And I was blaming myself for being so sensitive.

Why was I blaming myself?

Well,

I heard this a lot in my environment,

Oh you are so sensitive,

We cannot say anything to you and you will be sensitive,

You are always so emotional.

And actually I heard it already from being really,

Really small.

So I had this stigma in my head about experiencing emotions,

Which could be and still are intense,

Having feelings,

Being so empathic that you know already from a distance that there is something going on with others without you actually knowing what it is,

But you do feel it and because you are so sensitive,

You are trying to get what it is and then you think it is you because you are sensitive,

Well this kind of circular,

Not so healthy logic in your head,

You know our minds,

Then our minds start to run with it.

So for me acknowledging that I am highly sensitive and that it is actually okay was a big relief when I finally got to that place that I could say well,

This is it.

And then something beautiful happens because when you start to acknowledge that sensitivity,

It doesn't make it per se easier because you still feel a lot of things,

But you start to take your feelings more seriously and that is exactly what this life is about.

It's about self gentleness for sensitives and highly sensitives.

And you might have seen between the brackets and who isn't because let's face it,

We as human beings,

We are sensitive,

We have feelings,

We have emotions,

However we are living in a world where material success,

Toughness,

Pushing through,

Having targets and goals and going for them are the most important things.

How do we teach our kids in school to be gentle to themselves,

To communicate,

To be compassionate?

No,

We teach them to do this,

To do this,

To do this in time,

To perform,

To jump through all the hoops that we need to become this successful citizen.

And while I'm not saying that there is anything wrong in that part,

I also believe that there must be this part where we acknowledge that we are just humans and humans are not just rational thinkers,

Doers who decide this is the goal,

Here I'm going for and this is where I will get.

We are so much more than that.

We are complex beings.

We have minds that try to logic about things.

We have minds that try to explain things to us with incomplete information.

And then we feel all these things just in our bodies,

Things that we don't want to recognize.

We have pain in our feet and we just keep going because we think that we don't have time to rest or we feel that we have to sleep,

But we do feel that we have to get to this appointment and that appointment to get all those things going instead of listening to the fact that our bodies are tired.

Just a few things to mention.

So this is in general for any human being that I think we should and could acknowledge more that we are sensitives and that sensitivity,

Being able to feel,

Being able to feel in our bodies,

Being able to feel other people,

To connect with other people,

To feel what that does to us,

I think that is something that we don't spend enough time on.

If you are a highly sensitive person,

And that is actually about 20% of all people,

Which is a lot,

20% of all people are highly sensitive and this basically means that the senses are more fine-tuned.

So the way this manifests can be very different.

There are people who have this really on their senses,

Who are unable to get too much stimuli in light or sounds or a lot of people around them or just wearing a sweater where something is just not comfortable,

Not being able to deal with that,

You might recognize that.

Others have this highly sensitivity based more on the emotional part and the feelings and very often it's a combination of that and then of course that empathy,

That feeling where others are,

That something is there with others but we don't know what because if they don't tell us we don't know what's going on but we do feel it and then we take it upon ourselves because we think it might have something to do with us because that's why we are sensitive and we've heard a lot that we are over-sensitive,

The word that we are not going to use anymore,

No,

We're highly sensitive and it is okay.

So one of the things that was hard for me and I don't know how it was for you guys,

I do see some comments,

I will go over it in a minute,

Is to acknowledge that highly sensitivity and to be okay with that and that also means to be okay with whatever is going on and to honor that and that's where that self-gentleness comes in.

So I teach self-gentleness,

I will give you my definition in the case you've never heard of my work before and that is radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness which means that you're kind and gentle and compassionate to yourself in any situation,

In any circumstance,

Also when you fail,

Also when you feel that you're failing,

Also when you feel that you did something wrong and also in the face of others who are expecting things of you that you cannot live up to without going over your own boundaries,

Without hurting yourself or without not honoring yourself.

So that is self-gentleness.

It sounds easy to be gentle with yourself but to do this on a consistent basis,

On a radical basis,

That is something else and I think most of my lives are about that.

I have a course in Dutch,

A course in English on Insight Timer about self-gentleness.

In my track list you find a lot of self-gentleness practices and as you see there are going to be more lives about self-gentleness because this is a topic that's really close to my heart.

Why?

Because self-gentleness for me is the rescue of living my good life,

Living a life with more ease,

Living a life with more gentleness for myself but also for others and it does take some work and you might think,

Well,

Femke teaches this,

She's the master in self-gentleness,

She's always self-gentle,

Well forget about it.

I know the tools,

I apply them,

They work often and sometimes also I see again,

Oh my God,

I forgot to be self-gentle.

The beauty is that it's a lifelong work in process,

Process.

To become self-gentle is something that,

You know,

It sticks with you for the rest of your life because with every new step,

With every new encounter,

With every new relationship,

With every new job,

With every new friend or colleague situation,

New house,

Whatever is going on,

There are new challenges that we need to redefine what and how we can be self-gentle.

So sometimes we can be self-gentle really good in certain topics,

Certain aspects but in others we are not so much.

So the lives that I'm giving in the next four months are all reflecting things that I've been working on,

I'm working with,

Like this being highly sensitive which is something that is,

You know,

I was working a lot with emotions,

I was also teaching about how to deal with emotions.

But realizing that I'm just a person who has a lot of sensitivity and a lot of feelings and that it is okay to feel this,

That I don't have to apologize for feeling things and that I can acknowledge those,

That has really shifted things for the better.

But it's sometimes hard.

So one of the things that is hard in that,

That we can distinguish between feelings and emotions.

Well,

So in psychology,

When you look at the literature,

You see that there is a lot of overlap between what is a feeling and what is an emotion.

But I will now rely on the more spiritual literature who distinguishes between emotions and feelings as such.

Feelings are those things that you are actually feeling right now in the moment in your body.

So something happens or you think something or someone does something or says something and you are having a feeling response.

That can be something that feels pleasant,

It can be something that feels unpleasant,

But it's a bodily sensation.

Remember someone says something to you and it really makes you feel happy,

Then how do you feel the happy?

You feel it in your body,

You feel a glow over your skin or you feel your heart jump up or you feel your skin tingle or someone says something that makes you sad and then you feel this in your body.

You might have a pit in your stomach or you feel that tears are dropping from your eyes.

You want to make a noise because you're crying.

Things are like that.

Those are feelings right in the moment in response to something that is happening either outside of you or that is happening within you.

Now when we acknowledge that these feelings are here,

And yeah,

Some,

You know,

When you're highly sensitive,

Someone can say something completely innocent,

But it can hit you like it's a big thing,

Right?

But that is then okay.

The most important part in this is that you acknowledge that this is something from you.

And that's hard.

That this feeling response is actually something that is yours and,

You know,

Others might be kind,

Others might not be kind,

But in a sense it doesn't matter so much for your response.

Your response is yours and you can take care of that.

And then we get to the emotions.

So in spiritual literature,

Emotions are very often seen as feelings of the past.

Things that happened to you when you were a kid or a youngster or maybe just yesterday.

We store these things.

Things that happened to us and when we don't process the feelings good,

When we don't process the feelings right in the moment,

Like just what I'm experiencing now,

What am I feeling in my body?

What is happening?

Can I express whatever I'm feeling right now to another?

Can I communicate about that?

Can we have a talk about it?

Can I be heard or can at least I hear myself about these feelings?

If we don't do that,

And you might recognize it,

But we don't often do this,

Myself included,

Then we store these feelings in our bodies.

And then any moment something happens that reminds us in any way of that old hurt,

That old moment,

All these feelings return to be processed now.

But when we didn't process them then and we don't process them now,

Because very often this is about things that happened before and we've repeated this and we've repeated this and we have stored these.

I like to call these old wounds,

Old scars,

Childhood issues,

Trauma,

Traumatizing experiences.

And I mean this in the smallest way and also in the biggest sense.

These are then returning.

And the beauty is,

The very difficult beauty is,

When we start to be able to process these emotions as feelings right now,

Without telling ourselves again the stories that we've been telling ourselves,

Whether consciously or not,

About why we're feeling this.

And we know to disconnect this from whatever triggered this within us,

But we can just be with those feelings.

Then we start to actually heal those wounds.

But I will tell you,

This is really,

Really hard.

I find this also really,

Really hard.

I'm now 51 years old,

Going to 52,

And I've done a lot of work already on myself,

Really a lot of work,

But still it's sometimes hard.

And that's why I'm saying it's this lifelong work in progress process.

Because it's like peeling an onion.

You get deeper and deeper,

And the issues that you might understand now because of experience,

Because of maybe therapy or speaking with friends or loved ones,

That you start to understand what is going on,

We even peel them off more and more.

But they come up to heal.

And I do believe in a spiritual sense that when something comes up right now,

That you are ready to process it,

Even just a little bit.

And for me,

Acknowledging that I am sensitive,

And that I'm not over-sensitive,

But just highly sensitive,

Really,

Really helped me to step into this new phase of dealing with those old wounds and those triggers.

So that's basically my story in this.

It's getting kind of personal today,

Right?

I think I'm always kind of personal,

But today,

Yeah,

I'm also personal.

But why not,

Right?

Like I said,

I might be teaching self-gentleness.

I might even call myself a master of self-gentleness.

That's not because I'm always self-gentle,

But it is because I know that I can apply it.

I have the consciousness to understand what is going on.

And I have to trust,

Most of the time,

That I will become self-gentle again.

It might sometimes take a few hours,

It even sometimes may take a few days,

And even sometimes a few weeks to get self-gentleness back into my being.

But that's okay.

It's a lifelong work-in-progress process,

And we have to be okay with that,

Right?

What's the other option?

We have to be sensitive,

Push everything down,

Store everything in our body,

Get more emotional,

And especially our interactions with others,

Whether those others are our colleagues or loved ones or family or friends or spouses,

It will interfere in those interactions.

One of the most important things that I find about self-gentleness is that when we become self-gentle,

We also become gentler to others,

Because we start to see ourselves more like human beings with our flaws,

With our ambivalence,

Ambiguities,

Our problems,

Our trauma,

Our scars,

Our wounds,

And we start to recognize that others also have this,

And that gentleness is one way to deal with that.

So yeah,

Is there anything else I want to say about that?

Actually I planned a little bit different story,

But I now made it more personal,

And I think that's okay.

Bottom line is,

It is okay to feel,

Whether you're sensitive,

Just human being,

Right,

Or highly sensitive,

It is okay to feel.

It is important to learn to tune in with yourself,

With your body,

The signals your body is getting from your environment,

From within,

To tune in with your feelings,

Your emotions,

Whatever is going on,

To acknowledge that when emotions are running high,

That you're bringing these old feelings with you,

That the situation right now is not just this.

How infuriating or hurting or problematic a situation can be when you cannot distinguish between the big,

Big emotions that are there.

You are bringing your old hurt with you,

And then self-gentleness really comes into play.

Because by blaming the other for whatever is going on with you,

It might feel good,

It might help you to get off some steam,

But it doesn't heal your wounds,

Because those old emotions are just stored back,

And there is a little bit more stored on it,

So next time it can be even bigger.

Acknowledging that you are feeling something,

And communicating about what you are feeling,

And communicating this to the other in the hope that they will communicate with you,

But at least you are being gentle with yourself.

That is a really great start.

So our thinking,

Normally I guide like a visualization,

And we go through some exercises,

And I really,

Really love that,

But what I am needing today,

In relation to this topic and everything I am just telling you,

Is basically doing a loving-kindness meditation.

In my track list you find it there,

Loving-kindness meditation,

It's originating in Buddhism,

It's also called Metta there in the Pali language,

And it basically helps you to cultivate feelings of compassion and kindness,

For yourself and for others,

And it's a beautiful meditation,

Because it works like magic.

So I am also a research psychologist,

And I study the impact of loving-kindness meditation on political tolerance,

Because I am working as a political psychologist in a university.

I have a course here also on Insight Timer,

To cultivate tolerance,

Political tolerance,

Tolerance towards people who are different from you,

Thinking different from you,

Behaving different from you,

And well over 4,

000 students have taken the course,

And really,

Really love it,

Not just for political or societal problems,

But also for problems within relationships,

Families,

With children,

Colleagues.

So if you have a subscription,

A premium subscription on Insight Timer,

Which if you have the means I would recommend,

It's about $60 a year,

You get access to like,

What is it,

2,

000 courses,

Including mine,

And we also now have premium tracks,

And the good news is also,

From all these premium accounts,

We,

The teachers,

Get paid.

You know,

We make a lot of free stuff,

It's all a lot of free tracks,

Because we want everyone to meditate for free,

But if you have the means to have this premium account,

You get a lot of benefits,

And the teachers,

Including me,

Are paid from that money,

So do it.

Okay,

So loving kindness meditation,

I researched the impact of loving kindness meditation to cultivate tolerance,

And basically tolerance is not just turning the other cheek,

Tolerance is allowing yourself to be who you are,

Whether or not others are agreeing with you,

Including those people who ruffle your feathers,

Including those people who are really,

Really intolerant,

You give yourself the power back to be who you are,

And when you detach the need to be right,

The need to feel from those others that they agree with you,

Which they will never,

No one will ever agree all with you,

We are diverse,

We have different opinions and ideas and whatever we feel about the opinions of others,

They will keep to have them,

So detach yourself from that,

Give yourself the power to find your own voice,

And you will find more people who will resonate with you in that sense.

So that's a sidestep from the tolerance,

But it's connected to this,

Because being sensitive,

Being highly sensitive,

Feeling so much from others,

Being so much aware of things that are going on,

And whatever is being triggered within you,

Whatever feelings you have already stored from your whole life,

Which we all have,

In a bigger or lesser degree,

It will help you to have that compassion towards yourself.

So I decided today I will do a loving kindness meditation with you guys.

Before I start,

I just want to run quickly over the comments to see if there are any questions that I could answer in relation to my just talk,

So in a few minutes I will then start with the meditation part.

Let's see,

I cannot scroll back completely,

I think,

So Petta says thank you for the clarity on feelings and emotions,

Makes a lot of sense,

Definitely has pushed down a lot of emotions.

I think that helps me a lot to make the distinction,

What am I feeling now is now,

And if I can help myself to express it,

Maybe just like,

Oh I feel this pit in my stomach,

Or I feel I'm really upset,

Or it feels really unpleasant,

I feel that I need to cry now to just have it out.

Okay,

I'm going to cry,

Because I have this feeling I just need to let it out.

I think you're helping yourself tremendously to just be with the feeling right now and just let it out,

Express it,

Whatever is going on,

Because if you don't,

You store it on and those emotions will get bigger.

It's really,

Really helpful as a distinction for me.

So the thing is,

The comments are all the time pulling back up,

Yeah,

Ghost Lightly says I found in practice sitting in nature has become a good way to see in my senses the sensitivity mind and body.

Nature speaks without words,

They reveal a path between the words my mind speaks and cleanses my awareness,

Like watching bees drift from flower to flower.

That's really,

Really beautiful,

The truth of the moment in nature,

Ghost Lightly.

I love that,

And it's something that I recognize also,

For me being at the sea,

Or being in the woods,

Just listening to the rustling leaves from the trees,

It's helping tremendously.

It's from itself already helping to just calm down,

To be grounded,

That's really great.

Thank you for sharing that.

Thank you for your donation,

Thomas,

That's also of course another way to contribute.

Thank you so much.

The good news is now all donations go 100% to the teachers,

So if you donate to me it will go 100% to me,

Which previous,

The Apple store got a lot of money,

But Insight Hammer fixed that.

So let's see,

Mel says I do find now I recognize how my conditioning affects me,

I understand more how others are triggered.

I still get a pain in my stomach when my childhood abandonment is triggered,

I can distinguish what it is,

But I don't think it will ever heal completely.

Yeah,

Mel,

I can see that,

And I feel with you for that.

If our childhood wounds are always,

Are completely healed,

Will be healed,

I also don't know.

I think some of them can,

And some of them just stick with us.

But as you say,

It's becoming,

Getting this consciousness that this is what is going on,

And that the actual situation is not as big or severe as your emotion would like to indicate you,

Because something old is triggered.

That's already 95% of the work.

It doesn't make it always easier,

But it does make it more tangible,

And it opens you up for ways to help yourself,

Right,

To start to do these practices.

So for anyone who doesn't know Mel,

Mel is my dear friend,

She's also a meditation teacher here on Insight Timer since recently,

So her profile is called Melinda V.

King,

So not just now,

But after the live,

Check her out,

Follow her profile,

Listen to her beautiful Yoga Nidra practices,

They're really,

Really lovely,

And I'm sure that if you follow her,

You'll be happy.

Mel is also organizing in my meditation group here on Insight Timer,

On every Friday at this time,

That I start a joint meditation with generally one of my old lives,

Where people listen together,

Meditate together,

And I'm really,

Really grateful for her help in that.

So check out Mel.

That's my advertisement for Mel.

Okay,

Petta repeats,

Carol asked,

How do we know if the feeling is body wisdom or intuition?

That's a beautiful question.

Thank you for repeating that,

Petta.

Body wisdom or intuition might be the same to me.

So if you speak about body wisdom,

Your body knows what you need.

Intuition is also something you feel in your body.

I acknowledge intuition is bigger than your body,

But your body is a receiver of that intuition and is telling it to you.

What I always find a really interesting and intriguing question is,

How do we know the difference between intuition and fear?

So for instance,

We walk on the street and suddenly we feel afraid of something.

The question is that,

Is this our intuition warning us for something coming up,

Or are we just afraid based on our conditions,

Things that happened?

Well,

The first thing is when you feel fear,

It's important to acknowledge that you feel this because many times our feelings of fear,

Our conditions are triggered based on other things and things that we are thinking and not so much about the situation.

I do believe that if you're tuned in with our intuition,

Our intuition will steer us clear from dangers.

So if we're on the street and we are tuned in and our intuition says,

Oh,

Look there,

And we cross the street and we go to a different direction,

And then we never know what terrible things we have missed because our intuition already took us to another way.

I do believe in that,

But yeah,

We're not always tuned in with our intuition,

Right?

Sometimes we're so worked up,

So busy with our emotions or things that are going on in our heads or worrying about the future or thinking about the past that we just don't tune in and listen to our intuition.

So yeah,

In that case,

It's also good to feel whatever you're feeling,

And when you are feeling fear or any emotion that is,

It's good to do tune in with yourself and to feel,

So what is actually going in?

What am I feeling in my body?

This is just fear that needs to be processed.

This is something that is old,

But make sure that you do it in a safe environment.

So if you're on a dark street,

You're not going to process it there.

You're going to your house,

A different house,

A safe place where you can actually feel what is going on.

So I don't know if I answered your question with this,

Carol,

About the body wisdom or intuition,

But I think it goes hand in hand.

I think body wisdom tells you really practical about your body.

Our bodies are really loyal,

Really loyal servants.

You know,

They tell us it is hurting,

This is not good,

We're tired,

But it does continue to go on and go on and go on and go on and go on and go on until we get really tired or burned out or ill,

And our bodies force us to listen to our bodies and start to be gentler and more gentle to it.

I think that is body wisdom.

It's giving us signals,

Tuning in,

Honoring those,

Whether now or in a later moment if we don't have the time now,

Because of course you cannot always listen to,

Oh,

Now I need to sleep.

Yeah,

But I cannot sleep.

I have a deadline.

Okay,

Make the deadline and then take good care of yourself.

Then cancel those things.

Then take a rest.

Then take care of yourself.

And intuition is part of that,

But I think it's larger,

But our intuition,

It's important to understand how your intuition works,

Where you feel it in your body.

And generally that voice of intuition is really gentle,

Really soft,

Really kind.

So tuning in,

Becoming silent,

Becoming gentle will really help to connect with that voice and to know it.

And the more we are opening up for our sensitivity,

Which intuition is part of,

The more you will start to trust that.

So Thomas asked,

How do you,

How do you,

Femke,

Protect their energy from absorbing too much?

Any energy field or unusual ideas?

Maybe we can get out in nature,

For example.

I think that's a great example.

I think what you're referring to,

Thomas,

Is that when you're in a room and a lot of people,

You're feeling the energy of emotions of others or where they're at,

How you can protect yourself from that.

And I think acknowledging what is going on with you is really helpful.

So if you're in a room and there's so many people and you feel uncomfortable with that,

Withdraw yourself.

Go to a different room.

Excuse yourself.

Don't go to crowded parties if you know that you cannot deal with that.

That is okay.

And then start to practice in smaller environments how you can stay with yourself while being with others.

I don't,

I'm not telling you to become a hermit because then,

You know,

You will not feel things but you're also not living.

But there's a difference between exposing yourself to situations that are a little bit challenging but where you teach yourself to stick with yourself and then,

You know,

Slowly,

Slowly see if you can expand that.

But if you're highly sensitive,

It might be that you will never go to a big concert with hundreds and thousands of people around you because it's simply too much.

So this beautiful book of,

Yeah,

Someone already said,

Aaron,

I forgot the,

Oh,

This is menopause?

I'm forgetting all kinds of things.

Forget the first name.

This is the psychologist who really put highly sensitivity personality on the map,

Did a little research,

Really showed that this is actually a thing.

And she wrote beautiful books.

Someone mentioned it here.

If you know the book,

Please write it up here.

She wrote a few more but mostly the highly sensitive person.

It's really,

Really helpful to read that and to understand also how you can help yourself.

All right,

So let's meditate now because already 40 minutes in.

After this,

I will just take another look at the comments if there's anything.

But let's first meditate.

So we're going to do a loving kindness meditation.

Let's start by just sitting for a moment.

I know we've been sitting.

I've been speaking a lot.

You can gently close your eyes and feel your bum in the seat.

You can lean against the back of the seat.

Feel your feet on the ground.

Feel if there's any tension in your body,

Maybe your shoulders.

If yes,

Then just pull them up and drop them with a sigh.

Just do it again.

Feel just any tension in your face.

You could make a lemon face and just relax it.

All right,

While you're sitting here with your eyes closed,

I'm going to ask you to now in advance to think of three people.

One person that you love very,

Very much and that loves you.

One person that you feel neutral about,

Like someone who serves you coffee and you see them on a regular basis,

But you don't have a special relationship with them.

And then someone you had some difficulties with.

Don't pick that one that you are in a big,

Big fight with.

Just pick that one that sometimes ruffles your feathers a little bit,

Irritates you a bit.

All right,

So first person that pops up,

That's the one you're going to work with.

You know this now,

So you don't have to think over it when I will ask you for it.

All right,

So we're going to start to send loving kindness to ourselves first,

But that's sometimes really,

Really hard for people.

So we're going to use the help of the person that loves you so much,

That you love so much.

So now imagine that they are standing in front of you and use your imagination,

Your fantasy in a way that you like to fantasize.

So maybe you picture them,

Maybe you say their name,

Maybe you get a feel of their presence.

Just imagine,

Fantasize that they are just right in front of you and realize that they are looking at you with loving eyes and they are going to send you wishes.

I will first tell you four sentences and then together we will repeat them.

While they're looking at you,

You hear them tell you,

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

So these four sentences we are going to repeat a lot.

Again imagine them standing in front of you,

Looking at you with their loving eyes,

Sending you so much love and they're telling you this and you can repeat it with me in your head or out loud.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

Be aware of these wishes that they are extending to you.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

Now we are going to send those wishes back to them.

This person that you love so much,

Look at them and now tell them,

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

Now while they're still with you,

You're going to extend these wishes now to yourself.

So put your hands on your heart for a moment and really direct these phrases to yourself.

It might be hard for you to tell yourself these phrases,

But that's okay.

Just repeat them.

You don't have to feel anything.

If you do,

That's okay,

But if you don't feel anything,

That's also okay.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

And if you feel something,

If you're getting emotional,

Or if you have to cry,

That's okay.

Just let it be.

That's okay.

If it's overwhelming,

Then open your eyes and you see me sitting here telling you these sentences.

You can laugh a little bit at me,

But if you can stick with the feeling,

That's okay.

It's okay to send yourself these wishes.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

One more time.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

Alright,

Now,

Let's bring to mind this neutral person.

This person that you know,

But you're not really involved with them,

You don't have a relationship,

You just see them in the street,

Might be your neighbor walking a dog.

Acknowledging that every being on this earth has the same wishes.

To lead a good life,

To be happy,

To be healthy,

To be safe,

To have an easy life.

We can acknowledge that.

So while you think of this person,

You can picture them,

Think of them,

Remember them.

You're going to extend these wishes to them.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

Now,

Let's bring to mind that rascal,

The one that ruffled your feathers a little bit,

The one you had some difficulties with.

Bring them to mind,

Picture them,

Say their name,

Get an awareness of their presence,

And make sure that the distance is right.

Don't put them too close.

Put them at an even footing.

It's really,

Really important that whatever they did,

It's not about condoning their behavior.

It's not about forgiving them.

It's not about acknowledging in any way that they were right to do whatever they did.

No.

This is just about acknowledging that every being has the wish to be happy,

To be healthy,

To be safe,

And to have an easy life,

Whoever they are.

However they are trying to fulfill those wishes,

We can wish them that,

Because we wish this for ourselves.

So we can wish this to them.

However,

If you feel in the middle it's too hard to extend these wishes to them,

You are suffering.

I then want you to stop and send it again to yourself,

All right?

Because when you are suffering,

You have to come first.

You have to take care of you first.

All right,

Now picture them,

Get a sense of their presence.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

If you find it hard,

Extend those wishes to yourself.

If you can stick with it,

One more time.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

All right,

Well done,

Well done.

Again,

You didn't condone anything,

You didn't forgive anything.

You just acknowledged that every being has a right to have a good,

Happy,

Healthy,

Safe and easy life.

All right,

Now let's see if we can extend these wishes to the rest of our world,

To all beings in front of us,

All beings behind us,

All beings above us,

All beings below us,

All beings,

All people,

All animals,

All creatures,

All plants,

All trees,

Everything that is alive.

May all beings be happy.

May all beings be healthy.

May all beings be safe.

May all beings lead an easy life.

May they be happy.

May they be healthy.

May they be safe.

May they live their life with ease.

May they be happy.

May they be healthy.

May they be safe.

May they live their life with ease.

Now put your hands on your heart again for a moment and can you feel how far these wishes can reach all around our planet,

Beautiful planet,

Also a being that we just send our wishes for happiness,

For health,

For safety,

Easy life.

And while you're doing this now,

You might be aware that we are here with a lot of people from all over the world,

From Australia,

New Zealand,

Europe,

The Americas and everything in between.

We're together here meditating,

Sending these wishes to everyone,

To every being.

May everyone be happy.

May everyone be healthy.

May everyone be safe.

May everyone lead an easy life.

Everyone,

Happy,

Healthy,

Safe,

Live with ease,

Happy,

Healthy,

Safe,

Live with ease.

That gives a good feeling,

Right?

All right,

Now,

One more time,

Let's return to ourselves.

All these feelings of love and compassion,

We're going to extend this to ourselves.

Why?

Because that's the gentle thing to do.

That's the most gentle thing to do,

To know that you can send love and compassion to yourself.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

And I'm so glad that everyone right now here has sent these wishes to themselves,

That everyone has felt this gentleness,

This kindness,

This desire to wish the best for yourself.

It's okay.

You can wish the best for yourself.

Even more,

You cannot just wish the best for yourself.

You deserve the best.

You are so worthy,

So lovable.

You always,

Any moment,

Consistently and radically deserve happiness,

Health,

Safety,

And an easy,

Gentle life.

Allow yourself to know that,

To feel that,

To acknowledge that deeply within.

Just sit with that feeling for a minute or so.

Well done.

Now,

Keep your eyes still closed.

You can let go of these wishes.

You can let go of this focus.

Just enjoy for a moment how lightly it feels,

How happily it feels,

How good it feels.

How safe it feels.

Can you touch upon the ease that you now have in your body,

In your mind,

In your head?

You did that,

Right?

You did that with this meditation.

You allowed yourself this.

Well done.

Tell yourself,

Well done.

And while you're getting back to your body,

You can help yourself by wiggling your fingers and toes to stretch your spine.

And then take a moment to open your eyes,

But really,

Really take your time to open your eyes.

It's okay if you take one minute,

Two minutes,

That's perfectly fine.

All right,

I'm reading a few comments.

Jerry asked me if I can write a book in a group.

I see.

Hans,

Thank you so much for,

Yeah,

Elaine,

Elaine Aron,

Yes,

A highly sensitive person.

Written by Elaine Aron.

Thank you so much,

Hans,

For sharing that here.

That's the book.

We will write it,

Indeed,

Also in a meditation group for everyone who misses this right now.

Thank you for asking that,

Jerry.

Thank you for putting it there,

Hans.

Lisa says,

This feels amazingly loving,

Peaceful,

And nurturing to me,

Everyone,

And to every living thing.

That's beautiful.

That's great,

Debbie.

Start to clean up or do the dishes at a party when overwhelmed.

You make people happy when you do the dishes.

That also,

Yeah.

It's great to have those mechanisms in place to know what you can do to help yourself.

Yeah,

That's really beautiful.

All right,

My dear friends,

I hope this was a helpful talk.

I hope it helped you to connect with your own sensitive nature,

Whether that's highly sensitive or just human sensitive.

I hope I brought that point across.

I hope it helps you to have some insights for how it is with me,

For me.

It's also something I learned,

I think,

That sharing parts of your own process might be helpful to others,

Because after all,

We are all together in this,

Right?

If I'm correct,

I recorded this last live two months ago.

I forgot to record,

So that's why it never showed up in my track list.

This one,

I will edit lightly and put it in the track list,

So it will be published soon.

So if you feel like you want to listen to it again,

Please do so.

I would love for you to listen also to my other work and then review it,

Give stars,

Give comments,

Share it with others within Insight Timer,

Outside of Insight Timer.

There are all kinds of buttons to put it on social media.

The more people listen to me,

The more the algorithm of Insight Timer will bring more folks to me.

If you have a premium account,

Which I highly recommend if you have the means,

And I would love for you to listen also to my courses,

To my premium tracks,

Especially because those are also helping us to get paid for the beautiful work that we do here.

So I would love for you,

If you have the means,

To do so,

That as well.

Jamie says,

I had trouble sending wishes to the difficult relationships,

So I tried sending to me,

But then I felt guilty and selfish.

Okay,

Jamie,

That's a really normal feeling and that's okay.

I don't mean that you should feel guilty and selfish,

Because you are not,

But it does show that something within you is not so gentle with yourself.

Something within you is finding that you have to put others first.

And that's something that we've been trained a lot to do.

It's something that comes natural to us,

Especially when we are really loving people.

But it is important to also think of you,

It's okay.

So guilty,

There's almost never a reason to feel guilty,

Unless you have purposefully hurted someone,

But still then,

You know,

You can work it out,

You can forgive yourself,

You can ask others to forgive you.

But for the rest,

Guilt is more saying something about you not allowing yourself to feel good,

Not allowing yourself to feel okay.

Being selfish,

So in my classes about self-gentleness,

I always tell you this,

If others expect you to put them above yourself,

Then who is selfish?

If you feel that you should take care of others first,

And not yourself,

While you might need it,

You're not selfish,

You're just taking care of yourself.

And the beauty is,

When you start to take care of yourself first,

You will open up something so you can be there for others even more.

That is the principle of how it works.

So I have this analogy,

If you've been here more often,

You might have heard it,

It's like being in an airplane,

The cabin personnel tells you,

In case of emergency,

Put on the oxygen mask first,

And then help others,

Including your small kids,

And it makes sense,

Right?

Without oxygen,

You cannot help anyone,

Not even your kids,

So you have to help yourself first.

The same goes for self-gentleness.

Don't be afraid to be selfish,

Take good care of yourself,

And you will be replenished,

You will have so much more energy,

So much more love,

So much more compassion to be there for others.

The others will be surprised how much you can be there for them,

When you acknowledge what you need,

When you acknowledge what it is that you need to take care of you,

When you can communicate this to others,

And then you can be there for them.

So,

Give the good example,

Right?

Take care of yourself first,

And then be there for others.

I hope that helps.

I know it takes some time to process that,

I'm also not saying that I'm really good at that,

It's also a project,

A process in my own life,

But yeah,

This is it,

And we're all together in this in the end.

All right,

Let's see,

Agota says,

I also love the book,

The Healed Empath by Kristin Schwartz,

Favorite book about sensitivity,

So that's also really great.

So,

Agota,

Maybe you can share that also in our meditation group,

To write it up there.

If you're not yet a member,

Then just go to my profile,

Click on the tab about,

And there you find my meditation group,

Would be great if you could share that also there.

Melanie says,

It's hard to wish people an easy life when they spread hate and evil,

But I tried.

Yes,

That is really,

Really hard.

That's also why I said,

Don't pick someone that is really hard to work with,

Because it's really hard to work with those things.

But if you're interested to explore that more in depth,

Then check out my course on Insight Diver.

It's about dealing with challenging behaviors and opinions.

It's about cultivating that tolerance through love and kindness meditation.

It might be helpful for you.

I take you there step by step,

I make it more difficult every time,

And a lot of people said it's really,

Really helpful,

So maybe that will work for you too.

Jim Rajan has a live on the same topic tomorrow morning.

Oh,

That's great.

That's really,

Really,

Really great.

Thomas says,

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a crowded room when I'm alone in my flat.

Sometimes I will use tips like feet on the ground,

Wish myself a happy,

Healthy,

Safe,

Gentle,

Easy life.

That's great,

Thomas.

That's really,

Really great.

Let's see.

Rose said,

The actual book I lend out to people,

And they never gave it back.

I'm happy they didn't.

You're most welcome,

Rose.

Thank you so much for that.

It's easier to talk about it than it's actually to practice it.

Jean,

Yes,

Jean,

Yes,

You're right.

Absolutely.

We learn as we go,

And sometimes we trip and fall.

Sometimes we stumble and drop,

But slowly,

Slowly,

We're getting better at it,

And acknowledging that this is a lifelong process helps.

You're getting better and better at it,

Absolutely.

So thank you for your donation,

Vee.

That's really appreciated.

Thank you so much.

Okay.

Melanie says,

I always put my needs to the back of the bus and pay dearly.

Now self-care has become easier as I age.

Absolutely.

That's really great.

Yes.

Yeah,

It's like I just said,

It's a stumbling process,

But you will get there.

Being aware of who you are,

What's going on within you,

How you can help yourself will ease that process.

Stephen says,

I found that being sensitive is a blessing,

Not a curse,

Especially as an elementary school teacher.

Yeah,

I can see that.

Those kids are really happy to have you,

Stephen,

And I really hope that you allow yourself that sensitivity in the classroom and that you allow them their sensitivity and allow them to feel whatever they're feeling and learn to process it.

They're really lucky to have you.

When I read this,

I think my kids should have been in your class.

Thank you so much for doing that for those kids.

Thank you,

Melanie,

For your donation.

Thank you so much.

Arlene,

Powerful love session.

Today I found easy to send love to someone who wrecked so much havoc in my life.

Progress.

Well,

Well done.

It says something about you,

Right?

About you allowing yourself to feel good,

No matter what that person did.

That's powerful.

That's what it is about.

Thank you,

Mel.

Thank you for everything that you did.

Goes lightly.

Thank you so much for your donation.

All right.

I'm going to close off.

Thank you all so much for being here.

I hope to see you again on the 13th of October.

Releasing,

Releasing resistance is the title.

I'm looking forward already to it.

Releasing resistance.

That's a skill.

That's an art.

A work in progress,

Indeed,

And an art.

Looking forward to see you then.

Thank you all so much for being here.

Be self-gentle and I wish you a really great,

Self-gentle,

Loving,

Kind,

Happy,

Sunny,

Great weekend.

Sending you so much love.

Bye bye.

Thank you all.

Thank you for your wishes.

Thank you so much.