Healing After Heartbreak: In Conversation With Fabienne

Join Fabienne in this conversation about Heartbreak. Fabienne discusses the pain of heartbreak, what it feels like to live through these emotions and the end of a relationship. She speaks to the grief we have to move through, how we can surrender to this heartbreak, and also how the love doesn't have to go away it just needs to transform into something else.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to In Conversation with me,

Fabienne Sandoval,

Life coach,

Author and speaker.

I talk way too much so I thought I'd put that skill to use by sharing with you this series of conversations designed to expound your awareness and knowledge of becoming secure and empowered in your self-worth.

Meet Sam,

My OBM,

Wingwoman and literal can't live without.

We tried to break up once and it didn't work.

I'll be here to ask the juicy questions and help extract some of these powerful insights from Fabienne.

So let's begin.

So today we're going to be talking about heartbreak.

So we know that we're talking about the kind of the healing after heartbreak.

So obviously we all know what it's like to go through heartbreak.

So what would you say would be the kind of first step that you take probably after you've kind of gone over the initial heartbreak?

Yeah,

I feel like,

You know,

Heartbreak is one of those topics that we don't really talk about too much.

Like unless it's like happening to you in the moment,

It's really hard to get yourself back into a mode of being like,

What does it feel like to be heartbroken?

Like we all know that feeling pretty well,

But it's a case of like when you have a friend or a loved one going through that,

It's so hard to put yourself back into that moment,

Of course.

But for me,

I really feel like when we're dealing with heartbreak,

It's almost like a death.

It's such a raw feeling because,

You know,

Sometimes maybe we stay friends with that person.

Maybe we don't stay friends with that person,

But essentially it's an end of a relationship and we're no longer going to have that kind of connection with that person anymore.

The love may still be there,

But it's definitely going to change into a different form.

And so,

There's going to be a whole range of emotions,

Even if we really wanted the breakup,

Maybe we didn't really want the breakup,

You know.

So,

We might be devastated,

We might be really lost,

We might be relieved,

We might be frustrated.

There's like a whole host of things that we're going to go through and I think each breakup is really unique and different to the person.

Because like I said,

For one person,

They could have been sort of completely blindsided and going through a breakup where this person just turned around and said,

I don't want to be with you anymore.

And they've had like no notice,

No run-up to it,

No like knowing that the relationship's not working out.

Versus it might have been a long time coming,

It might have been knowing that there was problems in the relationship and things weren't working out and therefore it was more of a mutual decision.

But relationships like that are ending are so difficult.

So,

Even though they're different for different people,

Obviously,

Everyone has their own version of it.

The common thread is kind of that it's grieving for the relationship as you thought it was or grieving for the time that you had with them.

Grieving,

It is a kind of,

Like you said,

It's a grief.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And I feel like me,

So I have a course on Insight Timer called Healing After Heartbreak.

And one of the things that we talk about in that is the fact that it's a grief.

And until I had gone through,

So I went through a really,

Really,

Really big heartbreak and essentially used that time while I was going through that heartbreak to kind of organize my own thoughts and feelings around that and like what were all the stages that I was going through and what was it that I was feeling.

And the biggest thing that came through for me was really just the grief.

That course that I'd put together,

I had been in a,

I think it was around a three-year relationship just over maybe.

We were engaged.

It was like a very serious relationship.

And so,

There was a lot of grief around the relationship ending,

But also the future that you think that you're building with someone,

Like you have all these visions and ideas of where you're going to go and what you're going to do and what life is going to be like.

And when you put a stop to that,

You know,

Your future doesn't stop.

The days don't keep,

The days continue to keep passing,

But you're suddenly without this plan or idea of where you're going.

Things suddenly have to all shift and change.

And so,

I think the breakup is hard enough.

And then it's also the future you had planned out with someone of where you were going to go.

So,

It is just a massive loss when we end a relationship.

So,

You were talking about having a plan about what to do after this heartbreak.

You were saying about your plans and you were trying to,

You're grieving this future that you had.

So,

How do you now plan?

How do you get past that and be able to plan a future for yourself?

Yeah,

Absolutely.

So,

I feel like one of the biggest things when it comes to heartbreak is surrendering.

And I know loads of people are like,

What?

Surrender?

But really,

It's always one of the best things that you can do for yourself in a heartbreak.

Because obviously,

There's so much pain,

There's grief,

There's like maybe a lack of closure,

Lack of understanding,

There's like so many different things that we might be going through when we're breaking up.

So,

Surrender is really one of the best places for us to start of just like,

Okay,

There's nothing I can do in this moment to change around the situation.

Let me just surrender to what is coming up.

Let me surrender to what I'm feeling so I can actually start processing some of it.

It's like no matter how painful that is,

It's an important process to go through.

Because you know then that once you've had that pain,

Once you've processed it,

You can then move on.

Is that,

Yeah.

Because as well like,

So one of the things I think is really important is like sometimes people,

Couples do get back together,

Right?

Like sometimes people have a breakup and then they realize,

Oh my God,

What were we doing?

And they do come back together,

Right?

That's a full-on possibility.

But until we like move into a place of surrender and just say,

Okay,

This is what we are letting go of.

This is like the position that I'm in right now,

You know,

For whatever reason right now,

This isn't working and I'm going to just focus on myself.

When you take that little bit of time to almost like detox the relationship and just come back to yourself as an individual,

You can see things so much more clearly.

Whereas I feel like when we first go through a breakup,

One of the key things that obviously we've had a conversation about before,

Which is attachment styles,

We're actually really attached to that person as our romantic connection,

Right?

It's our primary attachment.

So we're not only going through the heartbreak,

But we're also going through the fact that from a survival perspective,

We feel like,

Oh my God,

I need that person to survive.

You lose that sense of self almost,

That kind of self-sufficiency.

And I think like you say,

Going through that,

Surrendering that and reminding yourself that you are capable,

That you are responsible for yourself and you don't necessarily need,

I don't want to say it,

It'd sound horrible.

You don't necessarily need that person to be yourself.

Is that part of the surrendering as well?

Is that realizing you are self-sufficient?

Yeah.

And I think it's always just like letting yourself feel the absence of the person.

Like it's okay.

Like it's absolutely okay to feel the absence of someone,

To feel that you miss someone,

To grieve that person.

So instead of trying to like push all of that stuff to one side and be like,

Just like,

Oh,

I don't want to accept this.

I don't want to accept this.

Cause I feel like when people go through heartbreak,

That's what they do.

Like for the first few weeks,

I don't want to accept it.

I don't want to accept it.

And I know I've done that for myself.

Like probably every relationship I'm like,

No,

I'm not accepting this.

It's not happening.

I'm not doing this.

I don't.

And then you eventually get to a space where you're like,

Okay,

Fine.

I think I can like start to accept it a little bit.

I don't like it,

But I'm accepting it.

So if you get to that surrender place faster,

It's actually more helpful for you for clarity,

For the potential of getting back together with someone,

Right?

If that is the case,

Because the quicker you surrender and accept that that's happening,

The quicker you can move into your kind of detox period of like taking care of yourself and reconnecting with yourself and thinking about what you want,

What you need,

Who you are,

Where you're at,

What you want for your future,

That's going to lead you quicker to understanding if this person is the right person for you.

And if so,

Then you can go about making the repairs in an intense way.

Or alternatively,

It put you in another place where you go,

Actually,

You know what,

As hard as it is,

And as much as I'm grieving,

As much as it's lost,

And as much as I miss this person,

And as much as they were my best friend,

Actually,

It is the right thing for both of us to move forward so that we can be happier,

Like living our lives separately.

It doesn't mean that the love has to stop.

Necessarily,

You can still have love for that person,

It just needs to change form and become a different kind of love.

So after this kind of surrender,

And you've got to that stage where you are,

You've surrendered to it,

And you're more comfortable with it.

Is there any exercises or tools that you would suggest to kind of help gain a clearer plan,

A clearer outlook?

Yeah,

So I have a seven-day course on Insight Timer,

Which is really probably one of the proudest pieces of work that I've put together.

Like I have,

At the moment,

Quite a few courses on Insight Timer,

And it's definitely my favourite just from the perspective of it was like,

It really was born from me being in like the deepest,

Like,

Of my own heartbreak.

So I feel like I really was so connected to the pain and everything that we go through in heartbreak that I know that,

You know,

A lot of the students that have taken the course,

They're just like,

Oh my god,

This is exactly what I'm feeling.

So like,

In that moment,

And it was created from that heartbreak,

It's given like a good pathway,

Like,

Through heartbreak.

So I kind of describe the course as like a seven days,

You know,

Your first seven days out of a heartbreak.

And it ranges from,

You know,

Exploring the heartbreak.

So like,

Evaluate your breakup,

Like,

You know,

Is it really over?

Is,

You know,

How bad is this breakup for you?

What was working?

What wasn't working?

So like,

Just generally like exploring like the relationship and like,

What happened in general,

To understanding more about,

Obviously,

We know that attachment styles and attachment theory is like one of the cores of all of my teachings.

So understanding the attachment,

Like element when we're going through a breakup and how that is difficult,

To really working through our emotions,

Because of course,

They're demanding to be felt.

And I think what is one of the really interesting things about breakups is like,

It's not logical.

If it was,

It wouldn't be like a relationship.

So we need to put time and energy into actually,

Like,

Just working through our feelings,

Feeling our feelings,

And that can be really exhausting.

And it can take up quite a lot of energy.

It's just not a logical process,

Right?

It's,

It is an emotional,

It is an emotional journey.

So recognizing that we can't really just skip the healing process.

Otherwise,

We'll be six months down the line,

Still trying to figure out how we process the pain,

How we navigate stuff.

You know,

I've got a client at the moment that is like,

Been broken up for,

I think,

Like,

Seven or eight months and is only just realizing now that,

Oh my God,

I think I want that person back.

What was I doing with my life?

Like,

You know,

I've had other clients that are like two years old and they're like,

That was the best person in my life.

Why did I do that?

Because you're only just realizing it now.

And that is one of the most important things,

Which is why I created the course for you to truly go through the process of how we heal beyond heartbreak.

That healing might mean that we realize this was the best person of our life and we need to be back together with them.

And we do the healing and the repair work to be back together.

Or it just means that we are healed so that we can then take care of ourselves really,

Really well to be potentially ready for the next relationship so that we're not carrying any like excess stuff where we've just,

You know,

Not really protest or dealt with our emotions or feelings.

So obviously,

You've got this seven-day course,

But is there one piece of advice or one kind of core message that you would give to people who are going through the heartbreak that need to heal?

If just one little bit,

I know it's a hard thing to do,

But just one little piece of advice.

I would definitely say journaling.

You know,

Journaling can be thought of as writing therapy.

And I feel like that's a huge,

Huge piece as much as we might have resistance to doing that.

Writing down daily,

Like just where you're at,

What you're going through,

That is a really,

Really powerful practice to just help you move through and actually,

Like I said,

You know,

Process some of the things.

I think the most important thing is processing the emotions and like what it is that you're going through.

I think the second thing I would follow up with is having support.

Yeah.

Because from the perspective of what I was mentioning around attachment,

Because this person has become your primary attachment,

You're going to feel really,

Really,

Even just from like the perspective that,

You know,

You don't have that person around anymore.

So not to say that we want to replace that person,

But that's why so many people come out of one relationship and go straight back into another one within a matter of weeks,

Because all you're really doing is replacing a primary attachment.

But actually,

Can I find that support?

Can I find that sense of like belonging and security?

Is there other people in my life that I can go to,

You know?

Otherwise,

Your literal system is going to kind of kick in and be like,

I need to fill that void.

Yeah,

Exactly.

Like,

Oh my God,

I need this person,

Like my life depends on it,

Because that's what the attachment system does.

But it's about really about having connections.

So actually,

Yeah,

Good to be alone and have time to process,

But you don't want to be alone too much of the time.

You do want to spend time with loved ones.

You do want to have support and help and ultimately have connections when you're going through a breakup.

That's really,

Really important as well.

That's great.

I don't have any more questions for you at the moment,

Fabienne.

It's just lovely to talk to you again about healing after heartbreak.

And I love that your course has come from that core of being in the middle of heartbreak.

So,

You know,

It's made of the good stuff.

You know,

It's going to relate to anybody and everybody out there that's going through heartbreak.

So,

Thank you very much.

Welcome.

Yeah.

And like I say,

It really is something that I'm so proud of.

And one of my favorites,

Just because like,

I know the pain that I was in.

So,

Even when I listened to it back,

I'm like,

Oh my God,

I was so heartbroken then.

Ouch.

And so,

I know that when other people are going through the course,

They resonate with that.

Like,

They get the sense that I'm in it with them.

And it really is like a together,

Even though like they're doing the course,

You know,

They're listening to the audios and they're going through those seven days.

You know,

Even some of the people that have been in the course have said like,

It took them two months to complete it because it was such a like,

There was so much like depth in there in terms of what you were needing to process and go through.

And so,

They went back over,

You know,

Certain days,

Days that were harder to kind of like work with,

Like maybe processing the pain.

Maybe they did that five times to actually process their pain.

So,

Yeah,

I really do recommend if anyone is listening to this and is going through heartbreak,

Has just broken up,

Has got heartbreak from years ago that still isn't healed,

That they go check out the course because it will be really,

Really helpful to you.

And thanks so much for asking me all these really cool questions.

Thank you.