Negative Body Image & Bulimia

An open conversation about our experiences with bulimia and eating disorders. Amina Luc and I talk about our struggles with self0acceptance and love which stand behind negative body image. We take an honest look into social pressure, low self-esteem, hidden emotions, and trauma which can lead to eating disorders, bulimia, or anorexia.
Trigger Warning: This practice includes topics about mental and eating disorders. This is not a substitute for professional help.

Transcript

Hello guys,

It's Evelina here.

Today,

One more time,

I have a super special guest,

Amina,

My amazing friend.

And we thought that we will share with you something really from our hearts and from our experience.

Something what we know that a lot of other people,

Especially women,

They struggle with it.

So we're gonna talk about self-image,

About self-acceptance,

About eating disorders.

And especially we'll go into bulimia,

Into something what we know that a lot of people struggle with.

And what we both experience in our life.

Okay,

Ready?

Yes,

Thank you.

Okay,

So I think that there are so many people trying all the time to fit in,

Trying to be perfect,

To have perfect body.

We are so constantly being pushed by our nowadays world,

By seeing in the media,

Seeing all over around us,

This perfect woman with the perfect body,

Slim,

Skinny,

With the muscles,

Like with the relief,

Amina.

But still slim shape.

So that's what we have so deeply in our head.

That's this is how I supposed to look like,

This is how I supposed to be like.

And we constantly keep comparing ourselves to others and just running behind this perfect body.

And I think it can lead to really,

Really big problems,

Which led in my own life and also in your life,

Right?

Exactly.

Just tell me maybe how it started for you.

It is funny because we always think like when we see the magazine or when we see like other girls who try to look after the diet or to look after the image,

The first thing that you said like,

Oh,

It will never happen to me.

And the thing is,

When it happened to you,

It becomes so unconscious.

And like this perfection that we look forward is actually in our mind and we are just craving just to attain this perfection.

And for me,

That was like really,

I mean,

I couldn't really actually realize when I went into into bulimia because for me it was like,

Okay,

No,

I'm a normal girl.

I have my complexes,

My frustration,

But I'm kind of accept myself.

And then started that I started to eat a lot because I was trying to hide my emotions that started with this.

So this is like,

I would say like one side of the bulimia,

We just like try to avoid our emotions.

So we try to eat,

Eat,

Eat,

Eat,

Eat.

And we feel happy when we are in our comfort zone.

Exactly.

And then started like when you eat a lot,

When you eat a lot of sugar,

Biscuits or those things,

You start to put on weight.

And that starts the journey of the self-image and the self-acceptance is actually how we treat our body and how we treat ourselves,

Our emotions.

And we start to go to this disease because like for sure we start to put on weight and after we just look at it,

At us and we're like,

Oh my gosh,

I put on weight.

So you start to look after your weight and you just want to lose the weight and that starts all the cycle of the disease.

And this is also the self-acceptance,

Which is like I think really the heart part of us and of every girl that because we have this perfection or the image or like what we have to look,

What we have to reach,

What is the best,

What is really this perfect body.

And at the end we just lose ourselves in this.

Totally.

And it's very easy,

It's a very thin line.

So for me how it start actually,

I was very young.

I was,

Well,

I was maybe around 17,

18 when I start to really feel that I don't like my body,

I don't like the way how I look.

And I would all the time try to basically just lose weight.

So it started just by trying to eat less,

Trying to eat this what has less calories.

I had zero knowledge about healthy nutrition at this point.

So yeah,

That's how it started.

Then I was reading about different pills which are helping you to lose weight.

So I start to just take these different pills to lose weight.

And it was so stupid because I kept eating all the trash and I kept taking different pills to lose weight.

Then I was really always craving for food,

So just maybe eat a little bit,

Eat some sweets because I was also craving for the sweets.

But then I was feeling bad,

I was thinking,

No,

No,

I cannot swallow it basically.

So I just put it in my mouth to feel the taste and then spit it out.

It's super disgusting and weird now when I think of it,

But yeah,

That's what I was doing.

And it was actually repetitive.

And then it was going for years that I was just totally not okay with the way how I look,

With the way how my body looks.

I would always see the supermodels with the perfect body and I was thinking that,

Wow,

That's how I'm supposed to look like as well if I want to be a really beautiful person.

And I was just running behind that beauty.

So then at some point I went into the crazy workouts because I got interested in fitness,

Which was like first step towards the healthy living,

But it was like very little step because I was doing it only for the body,

Only for that to achieve that perfect body,

To just be more slim,

To be more beautiful,

More sexy,

Whatever was there in my head at this point.

So I was just doing crazy workouts,

Eating just in the completely unbalanced way,

But in the way we're supposed to just remove basically all my fat and bring more muscles.

So that's what I was doing at this point.

But then I was really craving for food.

I was all the time thinking of food.

It was just like obsession with the food because I all the time wanted to eat and I was just waiting for it.

So then I would just eat a lot,

A lot,

A lot,

A lot,

Overeat.

And then I would feel so bad.

I was saying,

Okay,

I felt the taste like it was amazing,

But I just cannot have this in my body.

I will just gain weight now.

I'm gonna like lose all this,

What I'm working for,

Together with my,

You know,

Workout and everything.

So I would just go and throw up.

And then it was,

I noticed after the first time,

Second time,

Wow,

It's actually kind of simple.

I can still enjoy all this food and I can enjoy as much as I want.

So I don't have to have only a little bit and,

You know,

Just become conscious of the amount of the food I'm eating.

I can eat as much as I want and then I just can throw it up.

So that was what was in my head at this point.

And now when I look at that sick relationship with the food,

It just scares me how,

You know,

I went into that.

But I think I was really pretty lucky looking at a lot of my friends who went really deeply to that for a long term because for me,

It just very quickly changed because I got sick.

And that was the time,

Like,

Life slapped me basically and made me to look at my own self image and realize,

Hey,

What are you doing with your life?

Why are you just harming yourself so badly?

Why am I so focused on the way how I look instead of on the way how I feel and who I am?

So I just switched this crazy workout,

This restrictive diet and also just throwing up after the food into focusing slowly more and more on the healthy lifestyle.

And that's when also yoga came into my life.

And when I start to just take care of my body in order to be healthy,

Not in order to be beautiful,

Not in order to run behind the perfect image.

But it was,

Of course,

A long journey.

And yeah,

But now I can feel that my body is much more in balance and that this relationship with the food changed for me because I just managed to not be crazy about food,

Basically,

Because that's how I was at this time.

I just wanted more and more and more.

But then I would feel bad that I'm eating so I could drop it.

But also,

I went to the stage that I was just I couldn't control.

I wanted more and more.

I would go to the buffet,

For example,

And I would see all that food.

And I just wanted everything more and try everything,

Eat everything.

So it was so super unhealthy relationship with that.

Later I tried to skip more foods,

Fast.

So just,

You know,

Control it in different ways.

So I think it's all part of the journey.

Step by step,

We're going deeper into understanding of who we are and just long journey to accept ourselves,

How we are,

And really love ourselves without trying to change and to be in this frame of perfection would be painted on our own,

In our head.

Yeah,

It resonates a lot.

I think like the main thing that I really listen of everything what you were explaining is this control.

I remember because I studied the Bologna Pradi late.

I was like 30,

31 after breakup.

So it was after breakup?

Yes,

It was after breakup.

Yes,

It is exactly this connection because it was a bit different than you because for me at that time,

I was like more eating to hide the emotions.

And it's about for sure is it is the same about self acceptance is the love that I didn't have for me.

I was looking outside of me.

So most of the time I was looking for the love of my friends,

My boyfriend,

My parents.

And whenever I didn't have this love,

I was just bingeing and eating a lot.

Bingeing means like overeating.

Just like this emptiness that we have in ourselves.

It was just to fill up with foods and just to feel actually the body,

To feel actually the body.

And which was really interesting.

I was at that time always super skinny.

But the thing it doesn't mean because we are skinny that we don't have food issues.

I was also controlling my life of everything,

What I was doing,

Not in the proper way of the food,

What I was eating,

But more in how to become perfect,

How to be the perfect girl that everyone wants to be.

So everything was really controlled for my work,

For my friends and so on.

But this breakup just shows me actually the lack of confidence and love that I didn't have.

And I was bingeing so much that I started actually sugar.

And I was eating,

Eating,

Eating until that I was completely full.

And after,

Because it was the only moment that I was feeling my body because I was really full.

And after I was like,

Oh my gosh,

My gosh,

I ate so much.

So I started to throw up.

But it becomes sometimes really,

Really hard because I was doing maybe five times a day.

Because I was like so bad with myself,

I didn't find really the peace and the calm in me.

So the only thing it was like to go through the anxiety because it was actually the anxiety that I felt.

And I was so anxious to be alone,

To not be loved from the others.

So the only way just to go from this loneliness,

Because it's all about loneliness,

Is just eating.

And I was eating like finding maybe a friend through the food,

This warm thing through the food.

So I was bingeing,

Bingeing,

And after that I couldn't retain because the body was exploding.

So I was throwing up.

And the thing is,

First,

How I get out from this is actually less control.

And for sure,

Awareness with yoga,

But the awareness also about time,

Letting this space in my life.

Because I was controlling so much about my life,

What I was doing,

Like because I felt empty and lonely all the time.

So I was planning to see this girl and after working of this and doing so many things just to fill up myself in any kind of way.

So it can be like with some friends or with the food.

So I didn't have the time just to feel the body how it was.

So when I just step back and stay alone with myself,

That was the whole journey of healing.

That I was conscious of what I was eating and asking my body,

Okay,

Do I need this food?

Should this emptiness,

Would I feel better with this food or not?

Completely opposite.

Yes.

Wow.

This is really powerful.

So at the end,

You think that we need to first of all actually work on our own emotions,

On this what we feel,

And just look into the emotions,

Understand why they are there.

Yes,

Why?

We are closing them instead of just like pushing them away and covering behind the food.

Because then we are just finding like an easy medicine which covers our pain,

Which covers our emotions.

So we just don't look into the reason why we are not okay in our body or in our life.

We just choose to not look because it's more comfortable to not face this reality.

And also through this emotion is how we can connect with our heart.

Because putting this mask,

This layer of protection by eating or by being the best,

The perfect girl or anything,

We just lose this connection of who we are from here.

And also again,

I think also like this space,

This space time that we can sit and meditate like,

Okay,

How do I am feeling as in my body and in my heart?

And when you are speaking about emotions,

Okay,

I am feeling sad or maybe I am feeling happy or I am feeling stressed and this is all words that we have to find somehow when we have this space.

And because for sure I love food like you,

We share so many meals together.

I mean,

Food has the capacity to give you this warmth,

This joy by sharing with friends,

I mean,

It's amazing.

But at the same time,

It's not like pulling up like our emotions.

It's just bringing like a nice moment with friends.

At the end,

The main thing what the food should do,

It's supposed to nourish us,

Right?

It's supposed to add us energy.

Because that's what we are building our body,

Physical body from,

Right?

And I so believe in that,

That the food is of course the ingredient.

If it's healthy,

Natural,

Balanced,

Of course it will nourish you.

But also if you have the better relationship,

Even with the most healthy food,

If you are seeing that food which is even healthy but you just all overdo it or you are afraid to eat it because you will gain weight,

Then you are like immediately sending this negative bite to the food and you will just not absorb the nutrients out of it.

That's what I feel actually.

Completely,

Completely.

And this is funny because when you speak about this wonderful food,

I don't know you and your experiences like when you were doing your bulimia crisis,

Was it also always with fast food,

With food that you.

.

.

No,

It was actually just normal food.

It was normal food.

So even with food,

So like healthy food.

.

.

I used to,

I would just have normal lunch let's say.

But like a lot of food.

I would just have a lot of food.

But also I would have a lot of chips,

A lot of fast food things as well.

This is exactly.

.

.

But I was not just eating super healthy I guess.

It was not that I was on any vegetarian,

Vegan,

Yogi diet at that point.

I was trying to eat more food which would just bring me more into the fitness girl body basically.

But still I didn't have enough awareness at that point of what is actually healthy.

And still I would love unhealthy food.

I would love all the McDonalds or cheeseburgers.

Exactly,

And just to eat.

I remember something.

.

.

And sweets.

And sweets.

Because the thing is also like this craving of bad food is so easy to eat sweets,

Biscuits,

Just to binge all these things.

And I remember I never did some bulimia crisis with healthy food.

Like I mean with the fruit salad,

It never happened.

Never happened.

But there was that kind of punishment because it was like a circle also that if I would put on weight,

I would look in my body,

Look at me and wouldn't be happy at all.

I just punished myself.

I was really like that because I was like,

Yeah look,

Anyway,

You don't like your body,

You're not so beautiful.

So I was eating more just to punish myself.

And anyway in my mind I was like,

Anyway I'm so disgusting,

I can just go like,

Until like yeah,

Until I'm dying.

I mean I didn't think of suicide but it was sometimes really so dark that anyway I was like.

.

.

Without any hope.

Yes,

Exactly,

Without any hope of helping myself.

Yeah,

And I felt like really sad how we can treat like a body,

I mean I'm healthy.

Okay,

I have this disease because it is a disease and we have to accept also that.

But otherwise I don't have anything,

I don't have any other disease,

My body is super healthy.

And for me it was so sad just to realize how I can treat my body like that.

Why is this lack of love?

And why can I do this to me,

To my body?

I mean this is really interesting of sometimes when we think a little bit back,

How sometimes we can be completely lost and do such horrible things to us.

I think it's also so important to realize actually what is our body because when we treat it in that way we just treat it like a bean.

We just keep throwing the rubbish inside,

Throwing the rubbish outside,

Inside,

Outside and we just don't have any respect,

Any value,

Any love for this body because we so dislike it,

We so disaccept it.

So I think just through realizing how beautiful your body is,

However it is,

Without just trying to compare yourself to others.

Even if we have some extra kilograms or something,

What we don't really like in our physical look,

But just thinking of how beautiful that body is,

That it really allows us to walk,

To see,

To feel,

To experience the world.

How blessed we are to be in this body for this life and to be able to live and to feel.

So we should really love it,

We should really nourish it in the best possible way with all the gratitude,

All the self-acceptance,

Even if there is some little extra fat,

It's totally okay to be loved as well.

And we don't have to be perfect,

We don't have to be like supermodel from the magazine because we all are beautiful in our own ways.

And we all already perfect,

God give us this body and this soul to be perfect in this universe.

And also I think if there is something what you really don't like about your look,

Once we accept it and once we start to find a healthy way to just work on our body,

On our strength,

Then body slowly with this love and with this acceptance starts changing for better.

And better it doesn't mean more beautiful but it means stronger,

More healthy,

More powerful.

And the beauty comes behind that,

Right?

Because if we are nourished in the proper way,

With the proper diet,

If you are taking care with the exercises,

With yoga practice,

Whatever it is for someone,

Just doing some kind of activity which we love to do,

Which feels good for our body.

Our body will respond with the strength,

With the health,

With the radiant look,

So all of that will just come out naturally because this is our natural state.

If we don't rush it,

Then it just shines.

Yeah,

Shines and be radiant.

And this is exactly about perception because at the end is how our eyes are looking to ourselves because the others don't see how we see.

It's all about our own perception and it can be exactly the same but if our mind goes in one way to be more positive and just to have this,

Actually this level of ourselves and suddenly everything changes.

Because the image can be exactly the same but it's just how we are perceiving.

Yeah.

That's a pity there is not one medicine,

You know,

One thing which we can do and heal all of that.

Because it's like a long journey of understanding ourselves,

Of being with ourselves.

But I think maybe we can try to give a couple of tips if somebody who's watching that is struggling with self-acceptance or with any kind of eating disorders.

I think for me first of all it would be just to listen to yourself,

To look into yourself instead of rejecting the emotions,

The feelings.

To look into what is actually inside of your heart,

Inside of your mind.

It can be through meditation,

Through sitting silently with yourself.

It can be through journaling,

Through writing,

Through talking to someone who you truly feel connected with and just opening your heart so fully,

So completely and saying whatever is inside.

Maybe you will need to cry,

Maybe you will need to scream but just putting it out instead of squeezing and hiding inside.

This really helps to clear,

To remove it and to actually try to understand what are the reasons behind.

Exactly.

And in this way for me is open your heart.

It is easy to say but it is more hard to do.

But first what I have to say is you are not the only one.

You are not the only one.

There are so many girls who are struggling and this shame because we are shame first when we are like into this period.

We are shame of us.

How can we do this?

But just to know that we are not the only one and if we can just like open ourselves and if we need help.

This is for me I remember I was shaming myself so much to do this.

But when I started to speak and just to ask help and at the end I knew that I was not the only one.

And I could share this problem with anyone,

With the next girl that I met so many girls during my journey.

When I started to say,

Oh I have bulimia problem.

The one in front of me she was like yes I am dealing exactly the same.

And that helped me so much because that started the journey of self-acceptance.

Because I started to accept this side of me and just to open my heart and to say yes I am also like that.

I have this issue,

This problem.

And I would like go to the other one even I would like have some crisis but just ask for help.

Communicate just to open myself not to close myself because when we are like during this period we just want to disappear.

Hide ourselves,

Avoid the people and it's so sad we have to be open.

That's for me like something that really helped me.

So just basically removing the mask which were covering our feelings,

Our emotions,

Our heart and just making yourself so real.

Even if it's maybe the most ugly you think at this moment but just showing it.

Exactly,

There's no perfection.

No one is perfect again.

We were like talking this,

No one is perfect.

We should show who we are and this is the beauty.

Like when we open our heart and we show who we are with our weaknesses.

To be humble is so much beautiful.

It's all the way towards loving yourself which is so common nowadays what we are saying.

Everyone talks about self-love,

About self-acceptance but this is something so hard.

We are just telling that but we are not still doing that.

It's like a long way to discover,

To explore.

I also think for me personally of course like the biggest healing I found in my life and actually for basically all my issues,

These balances.

It was just through journey of yoga,

Just through going deeper into that because that helped me to go really into myself,

Into my body,

Into my heart,

Into my mind,

Into everything.

Just becoming fully present with myself and then realizing what is really important,

What are actually my core values.

Do I really care so much about the way how I look?

Do I really have to care so much about my physical body in the way how it looks?

Isn't it more important to be healthy,

To be strong,

To be able to explore the world,

To do everything what you want to do in life?

It might be your career,

It might be your relationship,

It might be travels,

Whatever it is.

But that health and that strength is the base of all of that,

Right?

Not that beautiful body,

Super hot and super slim but just strong and in its own power which allows you to do everything what you want to really do in life.

So I think we also need to re-evaluate our main life values,

This what really matters,

This what our heart is guiding towards basically.

And I will add,

As I said just before,

Time,

Space and yoga helps for that.

Just to sit one or two minutes per day,

Closing the eyes and just asking how I'm feeling now and just to be at the prison.

Now,

What is happening now in our body.

And we are always forgetting this but when we come at the moment prison,

We can feel what we live actually.

Thank you,

Amina,

So much for sharing.

Thank you for opening your heart.

Thank you as well for the same.

I love you.

I love you,

Me too.

And we love you as well.

Yeah,

Thank you for listening.

Hope it will help you.

You're not the only one.

Definitely,

You're not the only one.

There is always so many different people in similar situations feeling similarly.

And ultimately we are all connected in some way.

We are all one in some way.

So even if we go through different experiences,

If we really open our heart,

If we are ourselves,

That's the way to connect and that's the way to heal at the end.

Through love,

Through acceptance.

Through love.

Thank you.

Thank you.