Welcome to episode 10 of my series of Tiny Talks about Dementia,
MCI and Cognitive Challenges.
Today I will be talking about grief and dementia.
A question that frequently pops up is,
My loved one with dementia grieves every day because of someone who has passed away.
My first two questions are always,
Obviously,
Who are they grieving for?
And more importantly,
When did this person pass away?
Sometimes this is recent,
Sometimes it may be decades ago.
This is important information to help determine what to do.
But before I dive further into this,
I'd like to share some beautiful work done in Australia,
Where they studied what transpired when a resident of a nursing home passed away.
The reality was that deaths frequently were handled secretly,
And co-residents were not informed when somebody passed away.
So they might see people come in to take away the deceased or their personal belongings,
But there was no open communication about the loss.
The study revealed that the residents wanted to know so they could organize for example a memorial and had an opportunity to grieve.
So with the attention of not aggravating people,
We trigger other emotions.
As always,
Transparency and considering how you would like things handled if it were you,
Should be your main guides.
And so grief is a very real thing for people with dementia,
Equally so to those living without dementia.
And when a person expresses sadness at the loss of a loved one,
My first suggestion is that if you have the capacity and energy to explore this more in detail.
Who are they grieving?
When did they lose them?
When did they think they lose them?
And there may be a discrepancy there.
What do they think happened to their loved one?
And do they have any concerns or gaps in their memories?
If this is the case,
It would be great to make a memory book.
This can include the whole life of the deceased person and end with a clear section of when and how they passed away.
With repeated referral to this book and the end page,
The person may grow into the habit of consulting the book when they feel the sadness arise.
Spaced retrieval may help to learn this procedure.
Sometimes emotions will get too intense for the person themselves or for you as a carer.
And then it's a good option to just distract the person,
To avoid them getting lost in these emotions.
Asking their help and creating meaningful activities will take their mind off what is spinning around in it.
Montessori for dementia provides good guidelines on how to do this.
In conclusion,
Creating a book,
Preferably together with the person themselves,
And having activities ready at hand,
Will be of great help when the occasion arises.
