The Buddhist Path Of Non-Contention

This is a talk about a Buddhist way of approaching conflict in relationships, which can help you to defuse tension and pain in your connections with others. This is based on seeing what is really going on underneath the surface when someone (whether you or the other) is taking a position of being 'right' and making the other 'wrong' or who is criticising and judging in a contentious and unhelpful way.

I use as a base for this talk a wonderful book by Ajahn Amaro called 'I'm Right, You're Wrong'.

Transcript

Hello and welcome.

This is Akasha Love.

I am a soul alchemist helping you to birth your true self in this lifetime.

Guided by my own soul,

Each week I bring you talks,

Music,

Meditations and downloads designed to support you in connecting deeply in with the truth of who you are so that you can express this authentically out in the world.

So hello and welcome to this episode 8 in the second series of the universe podcast.

I had a break last week because I was a bit sick,

Still a bit sick but I'm here bringing this to you anyway.

This is my Dharma as they say in Buddhism.

Dharma is your calling if you like,

Your path in life.

So this is what I'm called to do.

I'm called to share.

So today I wanted to speak about conflict and interpersonal conflict and managing things like criticism or personal attacks in a different way to our normal way,

The normal instinctual way of dealing with conflict or managing criticism or personal attacks is generally the fight or flight response.

So attack and defense.

So we take a position and then we defend ourselves from what is perceived by us as an attack by somebody else.

Criticism often is perceived in this way as a personal affront and a personal threat in some way.

So as you can you can see from this habitual instinctive way of reacting the attack and defense mechanism that kicks in the fight and flight.

So if we don't attack and defend we might have just an avoidance mechanism so we might just completely avoid the situation altogether,

Run away from the criticism,

Not face the person.

But the attack and defense mode is pretty much the mode of war and this is pretty much where all wars come from on a bigger scale.

So actual wars between countries or between citizens,

Between different groups come from this style of attacking and defending.

So a dual kind of a thing where each person has their,

Each person,

Each side has their shields and their swords.

So they're either defending with the shields,

You know,

Putting the shields over their heads or over their bodies and stopping the assault of weapons or criticism in the case of a personal defense.

Or they're attacking the other,

The supposed enemy,

Opponent with their swords or in the case of a personal interaction with with their words oftentimes.

So I'm sure you will know for yourself that this method generally doesn't work very well,

It generally doesn't lead anywhere except to more conflict and it doesn't generally lead to a peaceful resolution with a person in question.

So I wanted to talk today about a different way of managing these kind of situations.

So I have an amazing small book with me here today called I'm Right You're Wrong,

Loving Kindness,

Attachment of Views,

Alienation and the Buddha's Path of Non-contention.

So this is a beautiful little book written by Ajahn Amaro who's a Buddhist monk in the Thai Theravadan tradition and it's all about the Buddhist way of non-contention which is,

It's remarkably similar to the Taoist teaching of yielding instead of fighting back.

So the same idea except with the Taoism,

Taoist teachings it's also applied in actual fighting so kung fu,

Qigong,

Tai chi,

These kinds of martial arts.

The teaching is that your real power,

Your strength comes from yielding,

Comes from directing the energy of another to your own advantage in the case of a fight rather than attacking or defending.

So it's more moving with the energy and yielding,

Allowing whatever is coming to you to come.

And this is a way to diffuse a conflict and if you're in a martial art practice it's the way to actually overcome your enemy,

It's the power of yielding.

So this book I'm Right You're Wrong begins by pointing out that the tendency to hold fixed views,

I.

E.

I'm right you're wrong,

Is the exact opposite of the attitude of loving kindness or metta as metta is the Pali word for loving kindness in Buddhism.

So this is shown in the metta sutta by not holding to fixed views,

The pure-hearted one,

Having clarity of vision,

Being freed from all sense desire is not born again into this world.

So for Buddhists who believe in reincarnation,

The reincarnations are for next stages of soul evolution.

So each time your soul reincarnates,

It reincarnates to come and learn something else.

So this idea of not being born again into this world is for Buddhists,

It's the ultimate,

It's nirvana,

It means that your soul has attained the highest self-realization so you don't need to come back and learn anything more by incarnating as a being in the world.

So this is a good thing for them.

So not holding to fixed views,

It means really not playing this game of attack and defense and essentially not finding a sense of self,

In one's views or opinions.

So the prominent part of I'm right you're wrong is the I.

So one of the problems that comes from this I'm right you're wrong is what happens next with after this statement is the next step is that the person who's right feels the need to set someone straight.

So set straight the person who they perceive as wrong.

So then comes the idea that I'm pure,

You're impure.

So it's my sacred and holy duty to fix you so that we can have purity again,

Between us and in the world.

And as you can imagine this has led to some of the most atrocious acts of violence and brutality and war that we've seen over the past centuries.

So the Holocaust,

For example,

All of the genocides,

The Rwandan genocide,

The brutality in Yugoslavia,

All the race-based wars have come from this idea of I'm right you're wrong.

So my idea is the pure,

The true,

The correct idea and you are either not sharing my idea or you might be a person of a race who my idea deems less than in some way,

Then that somehow gives that person holding this view,

They feel they then have a right to act based on that view and the most terrible things can start to happen.

So what is the alternative to this I'm right you're wrong?

This contentious way,

This conflictive way of interacting with others,

Which is,

As I said,

It's very much characterized by a very strong sense of self in the opinion and the view.

So the person is so identified with what they believe to be true that they find themself in this position.

So this becomes all about me and mine.

This is my idea,

This is my truth,

This is me and without this truth or this idea,

Who would I be?

Would I be me anymore?

So what do we do when someone attacks or criticizes us and is wanting,

Though unconsciously,

To get into some kind of a fight or a conflict with us around this idea of I'm right you're wrong?

So I wanted to share a passage from this book to demonstrate the Buddha's teaching of non-contention,

So the alternative to entering in to the fights.

So there's a well-known teaching in the Samyutta Nikaya,

The connected discourses,

About Akosaka Bharadivaja,

Whose name means Bharadivaja the abusive.

He had heard another member of the Bharadivaja Brahmin clan had been ordained as a monk and joined the Buddhist community.

Angry and displeased he approached the Blessed One and abused and reviled him with rude harsh words.

The Buddha listened to this verbal attack and then said,

Bharadivaja,

May I ask you a question?

Yes.

Is it the case that sometimes friends or relatives come and visit you?

Yes,

Of course.

I'm a householder.

I have an ordinary family life.

Of course people come and visit me.

Why?

Well,

If you have people come and visit you,

Family and friends,

Is it your custom to offer them some refreshments,

Something to drink,

Some food or a snack when they come to see you?

Well,

Of course it is.

It's a normal civilized polite thing to do.

When you offer them this refreshment,

If they decline to accept it,

To whom does it belong?

Well,

If they haven't accepted it,

It's still mine of course.

Why do you ask?

Well,

Brahmin,

You offer me your anger.

I don't accept it.

It still belongs to you,

Brahmin.

It still belongs to you.

Akosaka Bharadvaja wasn't pleased with this reply at first,

But then the Buddha added the following spontaneous verses.

One who repays an angry person with anger thereby makes things worse for themselves.

Not repaying an angry person with anger.

One wins a battle hard to win.

One practices for the welfare of both,

One's own and the others.

When,

Knowing that the other is angry,

One mindfully maintains one's peace.

At that the Bharadvaja,

The abusive,

Not only apologized but asked for ordination and eventually he became an Arahant.

So an Arahant is a follower of the Buddha who is already quite a long way along the path to becoming an enlightened or an awakened being.

So this passage continues.

Similarly,

When someone attacks us,

As Bharadvaja,

The abusive,

Attacked the Buddha,

We feel defensive and the mind comes up with things to protect itself with such as the yes but list.

We prepare our retaliation and the reasons why they are wrong.

When someone attacks us,

We instinctively pick up that person's mood and react by trying to defend ourselves,

Push them away or we shut down.

So that's the avoidance.

Differently,

In this exchange between the Buddha and Akosaka,

When Akosaka verbally attacks the Buddha,

The Buddha doesn't react in that way.

It's as if somebody offered you a dish of food but you just said fine but I'm not hungry,

I have no need of anything.

And that's a nice dish you've got there,

Recognizing that it's theirs and that you have no obligation to receive it.

Or perhaps you're very excited about something and try to share it with someone else who has absolutely no interest in the matter and who is not swept up in your enthusiasm.

What happens then is that your emotion,

Your excitement is deflated.

Similarly,

The Buddhist reaction to Bharadvaja,

The abusive's attack,

Is just to say that's your state,

You're excited,

You're upset about this,

I don't have to pick that up.

To manifest care and kindness,

You don't have to pick up the other person's state.

Sometimes we feel that I will be being rude if I don't confirm my friend in their joy,

Sorrow,

Indignation,

Etc.

So we end up adopting their mood even though we had no strong feeling beforehand.

Alternatively,

It might be the other person who puts out the same unspoken message,

You don't care about me,

If you did you would be as angry as I am.

To practice deep kindness and radical acceptance,

You acknowledge at least internally that this is the state they are in and that you are not obliged to feel that too.

You don't shut them out.

You're not saying I don't care,

Rather you recognize that you don't have to take part in that state of mind.

You can choose whether to join in another person's state of mind or not.

Normally we don't realize this,

For some peculiar reason we feel as if we're obliged to join in someone else's excitement,

Outrage or anger.

Somehow it's what we're supposed to do,

But I suggest that there isn't really a supposed to,

It's more a question of recognizing the state the other person is in and deciding whether we want to join in or not.

Would that be helpful,

Beautiful,

Useful or do I want to join their state on the terms in which it's being offered?

So I find this really useful,

The metaphor of the food offering.

So it's just like if somebody is in a really challenging emotional state,

So they're angry or upset or they're in this state of being very attached to their their opinion and their view and wanting to be right and making you wrong,

It's as if they're offering you a plate of food but it's an offering you don't have to accept that that food,

You don't have to accept that that offering of emotion and that offering of opinions or views that that person is offering you.

You can decline rather than feel the need to instantly start to defend yourself from their accusations or defend your position against their position.

And I think the most challenging part of this practice is to be not subtly pulled into the drama.

So as a human we have a part of us that is interested in drama,

So this is the part of us that's interested in watching movies with with high drama content,

Chases,

Romantic movies,

All of these kind of movies that evoke a lot of emotion from us.

So there's this part of us which is drawn in to the drama and this is the part of us that might instinctively react to this person's offering of conflict because there's just this little part of us that's interested in being a part of this drama.

It's a certain level of excitement,

Feels like our life is exciting if we have some drama,

Some conflict,

Some fight.

So this is what I think it takes a real ninja level of self-awareness to be able to understand this pull to the drama and feel that,

Acknowledge that,

And not act on it.

So diffuse that before it drags you into this conflictive situation with another person.

So this is really split-second awareness practice if you're in a dialogue with someone,

If it's something like a text message or email you have more time to really think about whether you want to react or respond and if you do respond what will there be the nature of your response and what is the most likely response to diffuse the situation rather than give it energy,

Rather than give this conflict situation energy.

And the Buddha's offering is the response of no response,

Of not participating.

But in this,

If we choose this,

We have to also be able to let go of our attachment or our need for any level of drama in our lives.

But most likely if you have had any experience of conflict,

Of this kind of I'm right you're wrong attack-defense conflict,

You will know that that's it's not a good feeling,

It never leaves you in a good emotional state,

It doesn't usually end up well and really this is not the kind of drama that is going to enhance your life in any way.

So that's all for today's episode,

Just something to think about the Buddhist path of non-contention,

How to diffuse conflict in interpersonal situations by not taking the normal route of attack and defend,

Not defending yourself and instead just taking the route of non accepting or not receiving of the offering and thus not entering in to a conflict,

Being able to diffuse it before it starts.

And the other person most likely is not even aware that what they are seeking is a level of conflict and some drama in their own life from this holding this position of I'm right and making you wrong or through criticizing you and judging you.

And if this person is open to talking about this way of relating you may want to discuss it with them but at another time so after,

Sometime after the exchange or the of the conflicts situation or that sometime after that person offered you the I'm right you're wrong or the criticism you may want to see if you can bring it up and see if they are interested in talking about the dynamics underneath that way of relating and whether they are open to understanding or seeing how that is for you and how it makes you feel especially if this is a repetitive thing for this person and it's it creates a difficult relationship for you and you have to be in relationship with them then it may be worth bringing up at a later time.

So if you'd like to read more of this book I highly recommend it it's very small but it's just a great great book it's called I'm right you're wrong and it's by Ajahn Amaro so that's a j a h n a m a r o and it's distributed as one of the free publications through Theravada Buddhist monasteries so I'm not sure how you can get it but if you google it it will probably come up for you.

Thank you for listening.

Keep following the wisdom of your heart and the whisperings of your soul because these will always lead you in the right direction.

Reviews

Thank you for this insight. I'm not currently in this situation but this is helpful for future

A good option to deal with conflict in a peaceful way. 🙏

Awesome!