Compassion Versus Personal Distress

Venerable Sangye Khadro leads a guided meditation to help us distinguish between compassion and personal distress. This helps us to strengthen our compassion for others and to apply remedies to decrease personal distress in order to bring our minds back to genuine compassion.

Transcript

So,

As we begin our practice of meditation,

Let's try to make sure that our attitude is as compassionate as possible.

The one way we can do that is just get in touch with our own wish to be happy and free from suffering.

Nobody wants suffering problems.

Everybody wants only peace,

Happiness,

And good experiences.

So that's something we ourselves feel in our own heart,

The depths of our heart,

Our being.

And everyone else feels the same way.

All living beings just wish for happiness and do not wish to suffer.

So may all the things that we do,

Especially right now,

This session that we're about to begin,

May this make a contribution to the genuine peace and happiness for all beings,

Ourselves and others,

And bring about relief to the suffering,

The problems,

The difficulties,

Physical and mental,

Our self and all other beings.

Sit quietly and be aware of the gentle,

Natural rhythm of the breath flowing in and flowing out.

Just let your mind rest on the breath.

And you might find it helpful to count the breaths.

One way of counting is to just kind of say to yourself mentally,

Breathing in,

Breathing out,

One,

Breathing in,

Breathing out,

Two,

And continue counting up to 10.

And then start again at one whenever you reach 10.

So you count in rounds of 10.

If you're really new to meditation,

Not so experienced,

You might try counting up to five.

It might be more manageable.

It's not necessary to count,

But it is a help in keeping our mind focused on our breath.

Naturally,

Other thoughts will come into our mind.

That's just the way our mind works,

Lots and lots of thoughts about the past,

About the future,

About other places,

Things,

People.

So those will continue coming in your mind.

Just notice them,

Be aware of them.

And when you do notice,

Your mind has been distracted by a thought,

Gone to the other thought,

Then just let it go.

Disengage your mind,

Your attention from that thought,

Put it aside and come back to the breath.

So just keep coming back to the breath again and again,

Whenever the mind wanders away.

Okay,

Alright.

Close your eyes.

Now we'll move into the analytical meditation.

And what I thought we could meditate on today is recognizing the difference between genuine compassion and a sense of personal distress,

Which can look like compassion,

But isn't exactly the same.

And there are methods we can use to increase compassion and decrease personal distress.

So I thought we could start by just looking at our own experience and trying to recall times when we did experience each of these states of mind.

And that can help us to see the differences between them and also the effects,

The consequences of these two states of mind.

So let's start with compassion.

For a definition of compassion,

I will read what Tupdunjatpa,

The translator of his Holiness,

Wrote in his book,

A Fearless Heart.

This book is about compassion training program he and others developed at Stanford University.

So in that book,

The definition of compassion is a sense of concern that arises when we are confronted with another's suffering and feel motivated to see that suffering relieved.

So compassion arises in our mind when we notice that someone is suffering or having difficulties.

And we feel this concern for them,

Empathy and concern,

And we want to do what we can to relieve that suffering.

So when we have compassion,

Our mind is calm,

Clear,

And courageous.

We're ready to step in and help,

Or at least find someone who can give the help that's needed in this situation.

So bring to mind an experience where you did feel this,

Where you did have this state of mind.

It need not have been something major,

Like somebody having a heart attack.

It could have been something relatively minor.

For example,

Maybe you noticed somebody who was struggling to carry a heavy suitcase or a heavy shopping bag,

And you stepped in and helped them.

Or maybe you saw an elderly person looking somewhat lost and unsure of themselves while trying to cross a busy road,

And you offered to walk with them.

Or maybe seeing a small child or a small animal who looks scared or just lonely,

In need of attention,

And you stopped to give them some attention and some comfort.

So those are just some examples of situations where compassion arises in our mind and we are moved to help another person,

Another being.

So bring to mind an incident where you had that reaction in your mind.

Just review that experience and try to recognize the characteristics of compassion.

Another thing about genuine compassion,

In order for it to be truly true and pure,

It should be without the wish for thanks,

For reward,

For personal gratification.

Although,

It does feel good.

It does feel good when we can help somebody,

But it's better not to let that good feeling become arrogance and feel boastful and proud of ourselves.

What a wonderful person I am.

Just doing the right thing,

Feeling happy that we're able to do the right thing and wanting to do it again in the future.

Now let's look at personal distress,

Which is said to be one of the near enemies of compassion because it can look like compassion but isn't quite compassion.

So this will also arise when we observe somebody else who's suffering,

But it's not a calm and clear state of mind.

What happens is instead of focusing on the other person's suffering and how we can help them,

We get caught up in our own suffering.

So one reason for this is that the situation might trigger memories of our own past problems,

Hurts,

And pain that we haven't fully recovered from.

So those wounds are still there,

Still raw,

And our mind can get drawn into that.

Just feeling our own suffering,

Our own pain.

We probably do feel concern for the other person and the wish to help them,

But there may be too many things in the way.

For example,

Being paralyzed by our own pain,

Our own trauma,

Or by fear of getting involved and maybe getting hurt again,

Or maybe a lack of confidence in our ability to help,

Afraid that we might do the wrong thing and maybe get blamed.

Another possible cause for personal distress is an exaggerated sense of responsibility,

Somehow thinking that we should be able to perform miracles in situations which are actually beyond our ability to help.

We may also feel guilt and self-blain when we can't fix or remove someone else's suffering.

So these are just some of the possible reasons behind personal distress.

So see if you can recall a situation where this happened to you in response to another person's suffering or problem.

Instead of this calm,

Clear,

Courageous mind of compassion coming up,

You got caught up in personal distress.

Just try to remember that and look at what that was like.

Try to recognize how it's not so helpful for you and not helpful for anyone else.

So now let's look at some things that we could do to remedy personal distress.

So if we ever find ourselves in situations where this is coming up again,

How can we deal with them so that our mind doesn't get caught up in this state of mind and we might be able to bring our mind back to a state of genuine compassion?

So one thing that could help would be to calm our mind down because if our mind is full of flurries of thoughts and emotions running around,

Then it's very hard to even think straight about what we can do,

How we can help.

It could be good to just take a pause and be aware of your breath coming in and out.

That doesn't mean you have to sit down and do formal meditation,

But just wherever you are,

Whatever you're doing,

Just stop and put your attention on your breathing.

Be aware of the breath coming in and going out.

Taking deep breaths can also help to calm down.

Breathing in slowly and then breathing out slowly and deeply.

And it may also be helpful to bring in self-compassion.

Have compassion for yourself in this situation because sometimes we expect too much of ourselves,

More than we're capable of living up to.

So we can generate self-compassion by just looking at our mind and recognizing that we have suffering.

In that moment,

There is suffering in our own mind,

Suffering of these painful thoughts,

Feelings,

Possibly memories.

If we can't have compassion for ourself and our own suffering,

Then it's very hard to have genuine compassion for others.

So be aware of the painful thoughts,

Feelings,

Memories in your own mind and extend compassion for yourself.

We deserve compassion too,

Just as do others.

And if there are self-critical thoughts running around in your mind like,

Oh,

What an idiot I am,

Why can't I be more compassionate,

Why can't I be more helpful to others,

Recognize that those are not helpful.

Those are actually negative thoughts.

It's like harsh speech directed towards oneself.

That's not something positive,

It's negative.

And you could counter those thoughts by just reminding yourself that you're not an enlightened being,

Just an ordinary person,

Ordinary sentient being,

Still having limitations,

Lots of disturbing emotions and thoughts,

Lacking in wisdom and genuine compassion.

So you're just like most other sentient beings.

So accept yourself as you are with your limitations and imperfections.

Feel compassion for yourself and also confidence that you can change.

You're not stuck to be this way forever.

You can slowly work on yourself and gradually increase your ability to help both yourself and others.

Another thing that could be helpful in this kind of situation is to take refuge.

Bring to mind the Buddha or Tara or Chanarasic,

Whatever Buddha figure you're most connected to.

Feel that they are there with you,

Pouring their compassion into you,

But also into everyone else in the situation,

Especially the person who is suffering.

So that is something you can do.

Ask for spiritual help,

Spiritual guidance,

Spiritual relief.

It could also be helpful to remind ourselves of the first noble truth that suffering or dukkha is a natural part of life in samsara,

In cyclic existence where we are.

As long as we're in samsara,

As long as we're not enlightened beings,

There will be suffering,

There will be problems.

So this is true for ourselves,

It's true for everyone else because we still have the causes of suffering in our minds.

We have ignorance,

We have other disturbing emotions,

We have karma from our past actions.

So they are there in our minds and when causes and conditions come together,

They ripen,

Come to the surface and manifest in the form of suffering,

Pain,

Problems.

That's simply the nature of samsara,

Cyclic existence.

So we can expect to be in samsara and have everything perfect,

Never have any problems.

So just getting more familiar with that,

More accepting of that,

Can help us to be less upset or distressed when we do encounter suffering and problems.

But thinking in that way doesn't mean we should then just be apathetic and different,

Just have an attitude,

Oh well,

That's samsara,

There's suffering,

And then just walk away and not try to help.

Instead,

It's helpful to remember the advice by Shantideva,

One of the verses in Shantideva's text,

A guide to the Bodhisattva's way of life,

Where he says,

When there's some problems,

Some difficult situation,

Whether in our own life or when we see it in somebody else,

There's never any good reason to be upset or unhappy,

Worried.

Instead,

We should ask ourselves,

Is there something I can do?

Is there a remedy,

A solution that I can apply?

So look for that.

If there is something we can do,

Then do it.

At least try.

Try to put your energy into solving the problem.

On the other hand,

If there's nothing we can do,

If we really search for a solution,

A remedy,

And we realize there's nothing that can be done,

Then again,

There's no reason to be upset and worried and frightened.

That will not help.

That will just make things worse.

Instead,

It's better to just accept the situation as part of samsara and make the determination to do what we can to get ourselves out of samsara to enlightenment so we can help all other beings do the same.

And one other thing that can be helpful is reminding ourselves of impermanence.

The nature of just about everything in our life,

In the world,

Is impermanent,

Transitory,

Subject to change.

It is changing.

So that's true for suffering and problems and their causes,

Delusions and karma.

They are not going to last forever and ever and ever.

They will come to an end and they're also changing.

Sometimes a person might be in pain,

But a short time later,

The pain goes away.

A person might feel very sad,

But eventually they're beyond that.

They're free of sadness and happy again.

So remembering impermanence can help at least in some situations.

It's reminding ourselves this suffering,

This problem,

This difficulty is not going to be there forever.

That can help us to cool down,

Calm down our minds and not be so distressed.

So for the last few minutes of this meditation time,

Just contemplate some of these suggestions as to how to remedy personal distress and make a resolution to try to implement at least some of them next time you find yourself in a situation where you're facing someone else's suffering or some problem in the world.

Okay.

Okay.

Reviews

Simply beautiful ❤️ Thank you.

Very helpful

Thank you! 🙇‍♀️❤️

Thank you for the guided meditation and wise contemplation

I know I will come to this teaching often. 🙏🏼

that was very helpful.. thankyou 🙂