Why Women Learn to Silence Themselves

Many women learn early to be agreeable, helpful, accommodating, and deeply attuned to what other people need. But sometimes, without even realizing it, we begin hiding parts of ourselves in order to maintain connection with others.
In this video, I explore what psychologist Carol Gilligan’s work can teach us about finding and losing our voice, and how these patterns can follow us into adulthood.
We’ll also look at how mindfulness can help us notice the moments when we silence ourselves, automatically accommodate others, or say yes when we really mean no.
Please note that this session is educational and is not a substitute for professional care.

Transcript

Many people, More often women, Learn very early in life to be agreeable, Helpful, Accommodating, And attuned to what other people need. And sometimes without even realizing it. We begin hiding parts of ourselves in order to maintain connection with other people. In this video, I want to help you understand why that happens. Why so many people, Especially women, Learn to wear these masks and how mindfulness can help us begin listening to ourselves again. Because you may recognize this in very ordinary moments, Like saying, I'm fine. When really you're not, Or saying yes. When almost every part of you wants to say no. Or smiling when you're hurt. Or telling yourself something doesn't matter, When actually it matters quite a bit. These are some of the little masks we wear. And most of the time, We don't consciously decide to put them on. At a very early age. We learned how to read the room. How to notice what other people need it. How to be kind. Cooperative. Polite. Helpful. And we definitely got the message that we shouldn't be. Too demanding. Too angry. Too emotional. Too opinionated? Or just too much? And of course, There's nothing wrong with being cooperative or caring about other people. Those are wonderful qualities. The problem comes when caring for other people takes up all of our energy. And we end up ignoring or denying our own needs. And I think that's why authenticity. Becomes so important. Because authenticity means that there is some connection between what is happening inside of us and the person we present to the world. One of the psychologists who really changed the way we think about all of this is Carol Gilligan. Back in the 1970s and 80s, Much of what psychology considered sort of normal human development was actually the result of primarily studying boys and men. So Carol Gilligan was working with Lawrence Kohlberg at Harvard, And they were studying moral development. And when she finally started noticing something and asking questions. What she noticed was that girls and women often answered moral questions differently than boys and men did. And rather than assuming that that meant they were somehow less psychologically or morally developed. Gilligan asks a different question. What if we need to listen to what these girls have to say? What if there's something new? We need to know. Well, That question eventually became part of her groundbreaking work. On Girls and Women's Development. And then later she published this landmark book called, In a Different Voice. Carol Gilligan and fellow psychologist Lynne McKell Brown. Later spent years listening really carefully to girls as they moved into adolescence. And they notice something fascinating. Younger girls could often be remarkably clear and candid. They knew what they thought, They knew when something seemed unfair, They could tell you when they were angry, And they were willing to share their opinions. But as he approached adolescence. . . Something began to change. Researchers started hearing the phrase I don't know. Coming out of the girl's mouth. And it turned out. This wasn't really because the girls didn't know. It was more of a way for them to avoid risking whether staying what they knew. Might carry some sort of cost. They discovered girls were wondering, Will people still like me if I say what I really think? Will someone's feelings get hurt? Will I look selfish? Will I somehow get excluded? And these worries created a painful dilemma. These girls had to grapple with, Do I stay connected to what I know and feel? Or do I put on a mask? Deny what's true for me, Just to protect my relationship. And many girls learn, Very understandably, To protect the relationship. And so that's sort of the history behind how girls started editing themselves. And even once we reach adulthood, The habit of editing or silencing ourselves doesn't necessarily disappear. The adolescent girl who doesn't want her friends to think she's difficult can become the adult woman who has trouble saying no. And the girl who learns that anger makes people uncomfortable. May become a woman who says, It's fine. When it really isn't funny. And the girl who was praised for being helpful? May become the woman everybody can depend upon. But who has a very hard time asking anyone for help. Does any of this sound familiar? It's safe to say the girls and women become very good at accommodating. And sometimes so good. They aren't even aware that we're doing it. Now over the years, I've worked with many, Many women. Who can tell you exactly what everyone in their life needs. They know what their partner needs, Their children need, Their parents need. They know what their co-workers need, Sometimes even the neighbors. And then when you ask them. What do you need? There's usually a pause. Followed by I don't know. And sometimes. . . That I don't know. Is a truth that needs some attention. Many women haven't asked themselves that question in a very long time. Now, I once read an essay and I wish I could remember who wrote it. It was written by a woman who described herself as like a contortionist. She was constantly reshaping herself around the needs of other people. And what really struck me and stayed with me was her realization that neglecting herself didn't even feel unhealthy. To her kind of felt noble. It felt normal. I think a lot of women can relate to that. Because self-sacrifice is often rewarded. People appreciate us. We're told we're wonderful mothers, Partners, Daughters, Friends, Employees. And again. Caring for other people should be appreciated. However, As women, We need to ask some important questions. Do I have to disappear in order to care for you? Can I care about your feelings and still acknowledge mine? Can I be generous to you? And still have limits. Can I love you? And disagree with you? Can I disappoint you? And still be seen as a good person. These are questions about authenticity. And this is one of the reasons I think mindfulness can be so helpful. Be as mindful as. . . Is really about awareness. And before we can change these patterns, We have to be able to see them. We need to notice when we're masking our feelings. It's helpful to remember. That we learn to accommodate others for good reasons. You know, It might have helped you belong or help you fit in. Or maybe it helped keep the peace in your family growing up. Maybe it protected you. In an important relationship. Or it could have garnered you much needed praise or recognition. So when you do notice, When you become more aware of one of these patterns, Don't be hard on yourself. You don't want to say, There I go again, People-pleasing. Why can't I stop doing this? Instead. . . Embrace mindfulness, Which allows us to be aware without judging. Because over time, We might note. Hmm. I just laughed even though that comment hurt my feelings. I apologize, Though I'm not sure I did anything wrong. Or you might notice. I just said, Whatever you want is fine. Without even asking myself what I want. Mindfulness invites us to just notice. Because every time you notice, One of those moments. You created a little bit of space. And in that little bit of space, You can be curious rather than critical. Because authenticity doesn't require some dramatic reinvention of your life. You can move toward authenticity in very small ways. Maybe instead of immediately saying yes, You say, Hmm. Let me think about that. Or maybe when someone asks you what you want for dinner, You pause it, Ask yourself. What do I want? Or maybe you notice that you feel some anger present and you allow yourself to acknowledge. I'm feeling some anger right now. You don't have to act on the anger. Herein is the starting argument. But you also don't have to pretend that the anger isn't there. You can begin listening inward again. Listening to your thoughts. Emotions to your body. To your own needs and preferences. You can reconnect with that quieter voice underneath all of the conditioning about who you are supposed to be. And over time, Perhaps the distance between the person you are on the inside and the person you present to the world begins to get a little bit smart. So here's something you might experiment with this week. Try tuning into yourself a little bit more. And notice when you feel yourself beginning to disappear. Notice when you automatically accommodate. Or when you silence yourself. Or when you say yes when you really mean no. Or when you pretend that something doesn't matter, When it actually matters quite a bit. And then perhaps ask yourself. What am I afraid might happen? If I let this part of myself be seen. And give yourself plenty of time to identify your particular patterns. Because authenticity isn't something we suddenly achieve. It's something that emerges as we experiment with being more true to ourselves. And regardless of how lost you might feel at times, I want to assure you. That you can find your way back to your true self. That younger girl who knew what she thinks and feels. Waiting to reclaim her voice. So as always, Thank you for listening and until next time. Take care, And take care.