I Am That - To Know What You Are, Find What You Are Not - 3

Listen to Ektaji talk about Nisargadatta Maharaj's book I Am That. Nisargadatta Maharaj was a teacher who did not propound any ideology or religion, but gently unwrapped the mystery of the self. I Am That preserves his dialogs with the followers who came from around the world seeking guidance in destroying false identities.

Transcript

So he says,

Maybe it is the other way around.

Because of you there is a world.

Niyamaharaj,

You means not I the person but I the consciousness.

Because of me there is a world.

So he is not there yet.

What does he say?

To me such a statement appears meaningless.

Maharaj says its meaninglessness may disappear on investigation.

So the questioner is enthusiastic.

He says,

Okay where do we begin?

So Maharaj says,

All I know is that whatever is dependent is not real.

A little grammatical error there.

All I know is that whatever is dependent is not real.

The real self,

Swaroopa is the word in Marathi.

The real self or swaroopa is truly independent.

All I know is that whatever is dependent is not real.

The real self or swaroopa is truly independent.

Since the existence of the person depends on the existence of the world and it is circumscribed and defined by the world,

It cannot be real.

And so Maharaj is slowly taking him from the body-mind level beyond to the consciousness level because his I gets stuck at I the person and now he himself,

The questioner himself said this I the person is dependent on the world.

First there is Srishti,

Then there is Drishti,

There is I.

So Maharaj says,

All I know is if anything is dependent on something it is not the real thing.

So in your case at Srishti,

Drishti this I of yours is dependent on this world.

Yeah but the swaroopa,

The real self is not dependent on anything.

Very clear?

Yes,

Therefore a person that you believe so much in that is not real.

Circumscribed is another word just for dependent and defined by the world.

It cannot be real.

Questioner says it cannot be a dream surely.

You know he's coming there slowly,

Slowly.

See but how can you call this waking state a dream?

It's not a dream.

This person,

It's not a dream.

How,

It's not a dream.

How can you call it a dream?

So Maharaj says even a dream has existence.

What does this mean?

Even if you wake up in the morning and you say,

The tiger in the jungle chasing me.

What nonsense I was dreaming last night.

I cannot say the dream did not happen.

I can say the tiger in the dream was illusory.

There was no real tiger and the ekta in the dream was illusory.

The ekta didn't die.

She was not eaten up by the tiger.

All that was an illusory story but I cannot deny the happening of the dream.

The dream happened last night.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Yeah,

So that is the meaning of even a dream has existence.

Means the dream happened.

It was total rubbish dream.

Doesn't make sense but the dream happened.

So even a dream has existence when it is cognized and enjoyed or endured.

Cognized means when I see that dream,

I enjoy it.

If I'm eating chocolate ice cream,

My favorite chocolate ice cream,

I'm enjoying.

Enduring means I'm running away from the tiger.

I'm just enduring the dream,

Tolerating it,

Wanting and waiting for it to get over.

So in all that,

It still has existence.

Whatever you think and feel has been.

Whatever you think and feel has been.

But it may not be what you take it to be.

What you think to be a person may be something quite different.

Do you get this?

This is very important.

Whatever you think and feel has been.

Being means it has reality.

Vastavata.

It is.

Doesn't mean it is real.

It just is.

The difference between the two things.

A magic trick.

There is no real pigeon coming out of the ashes.

Doesn't really exist.

It was illusion for the eyes.

I don't know how I saw from the ashes that a pigeon was born but I saw it.

So the magic trick is not necessarily it is real.

So the person is but it is something quite different from what you think it is to be.

So questioner says,

I am what I know myself to be.

So he's stuck where?

At this body-mind personality.

He knows himself to be this person.

So he says,

I am what I know myself to be.

So Maharaj says,

You cannot possibly say that you are what you think yourself to be.

Your ideas about yourself change from day to day and from moment to moment.

Your self-image is the most changeful thing you have.

It is utterly vulnerable at the mercy of a passerby.

Very beautiful this is.

A bereavement,

The loss of a job,

An insult and your image of yourself which you call a person changes.

Yes,

Changes deeply.

To know what you are,

You must first investigate and know what you are not.

This is where the magic trick comes from.

And to know what you are not,

You must watch yourself.

Carefully rejecting all that does not necessarily go with the basic fact I am.

Yeah,

I introduced the chapter with this.

Neeti,

Neeti,

Carefully rejecting the ideas I am born at a given place at a given time from my parents and now I am so and so living at,

Married to,

Father of,

Employed by and so on are not inherent in the sense I am.

Our usual attitude is of I am this.

I explained this in the beginning.

The object,

I consider myself to be the object.

I am this.

This is the object in that sentence.

I don't consider myself to be the I,

The subject.

Separate,

Consistently and perseveringly,

Consistently and perseveringly,

The I am from this or that and try to feel what it means to be,

Just to be,

Without being this or that.

All our habits go against it and the task of fighting them is long and hard sometimes.

Please highlight.

My self-image is built by what?

As a child,

Mummy said this,

Daddy said this.

Yeah,

Whatever,

Auntie,

Uncle,

Whoever relatives came into the family said this.

My self-image was developed by external people.

That is why he says parse-a-bye.

Yeah,

I build my self-image with ideas.

I cannot even really see myself totally.

I see myself from neck down.

My mother says,

Oh you have beautiful eyes.

My father says,

Oh you have hair just like me.

You are my daughter.

So,

I create that image.

Oh,

I am daddy's little girl.

I am like him.

You see that?

Growing up,

You created such things.

Oh,

I have mummy's eyes.

Yes,

I create these things as I grow up.

As I grow up,

Somebody says you are very smart.

You're very intelligent.

Oh,

I am smart.

I am intelligent.

Yes,

I go to school.

I get very good marks.

Oh,

I am a grade A student.

So,

Do you see this?

I am this.

I am that.

I am that.

This,

That,

This,

That started getting attached to I am as I grew up.

Yeah,

Happened to all of us.

Now,

We build a full self-image with all the this and that.

And I said,

This is who it turns.

And I can see the self-image.

I can point out to it.

It is an object.

It is not objectlessness.

Do you see this?

My self-image was dependent on passer-bys.

My self-image was built as I grew a little older into teenage and all.

Somebody said,

No,

You're not so pretty.

Finish.

My old self-image built by my mummy or daddy crumbled.

And from one,

One more shot from this side and then boof.

And then there were all these attacks,

War.

And then my self-image started crumbling.

Yes,

Do you remember those teenage years?

Now,

You're trying to build back and stick back those broken self-image pieces.

You're trying to build that puzzle back.

And that is why teenage is a difficult phase.

It is the image by my loving close family versus the self-image created by the new friend group that has a mind of their own and can say things to me.

That is where the struggle happens.

Struggle never happens here.

Struggle happens between my past self-image because,

Of course,

I'm the prettiest girl in the world because my mom thinks so.

Yeah,

That way everybody's mom says,

Oh,

My child is the most beautiful child in the world.

So that self-image is now crumbling because of the new image that is happening at school.

Do you see that?

This is the struggle of teenage.

Self-image.

Yeah,

The constant bombarding from outside,

The breaking of the pieces,

You trying to mend those pieces.

And who's trying to mend the pieces?

The same family members.

No,

No,

You're very beautiful.

But now I have seen the thing from outside.

No,

You're not beautiful.

So now there are these two clashing things.

Self-image,

This and that is clashing with each other.

All my life,

I struggled with this and that,

This and that,

This and that,

This and that.

Constant conflict,

Constantly wanting to be something for another person,

Constantly wanting to be someone special in somebody else's eyes.

It was never about me.

My image,

My self-image was created by that,

That,

That,

That,

That person.

Do you see this?

Where self-esteem issues come up,

Why people go through all these depression and stuff like that?

Why?

Only one thing.

Self-image started crumbling.

There was no depression in childhood when the child was in a protected environment.

Yeah,

So the holding on to this and that,

That is the cause,

That is the root cause of the problem.

The world is not the cause of the problem.

You cannot go change the world that you've projected.

You've already projected it.

It's done.

You've decided this is going to be the story.

The world cannot be changed.

Do not even look there.

Find your true self.

Don't try to change don't try to keep putting these broken pieces back.

How much ever you try to pick up the self-image broken pieces and put them back,

The cracks are always going to be seen.

You will always be with an imperfect object which you call I.

So instead of this,

This,

Turn this way.

Yeah,

You're looking in the wrong direction.

Yes,

Maharaj says you cannot be what you can think of because the mind cannot go there.

The mind also collapses and that nothingness,

That is who you are.

To go there,

The mind needs to collapse.

Mind collapse means this and that collapses.

This and that collapses means the self-image that I have built,

That collapses.

Very clear?

Yeah,

So if you're still at this age dealing with self-image issues,

Recognize this.

You do a thorough introspection this week that if I went through self-image issues,

What was the problem?

Is it the world?

No,

This person and the world are not two.

It is one.

This is the story.

Yeah,

So instead of trying to figure out anything here,

Trying to clean up the mess here,

Look inside.

You've forgotten the truth.

Look here.

Antarmukhi.

Inward turned.

That is the only way to figure out.

Aha,

I am not this self-image.

I am not this self-image.

I am not this.

I am not this.

I'm not even an Advaitin.

Please drop even that new self-image people love.

They come on the spiritual path and now new self-image.

Yeah,

I am an Advaitin and you're Advaitin.

Oh,

You poor mortal,

Lower mortal.

No,

No,

No.

It's like telling a child,

Oh you poor thing,

You're not an adult.

No,

You were a child.

You had to come that way.

It's a one-way street.

Yeah,

So no poor mortal thingy here.

Another self-image story you have created.

Drop.

No.

I am an Advaitin.

Drop.

I am a disciple.

Drop.

I have a guru.

Drop.

I have a spiritual organization.

Drop.

Drop.

Drop.

Drop.

Drop.

Drop the this and the that.

Come to that I am.

Watch that I collapse and just be.

That is the master key.

If you get this,

You don't need any other knowledge.

You don't need any.

This is this book.

Pointless.

You don't need this book.

Only one thing you need.

Come to that I am.

Yes,

We'll increase the last part again.

All our habits go against it and the task of fighting them is long and hard sometimes but clear understanding helps a lot.

Is your understanding clear now?

Yes,

Do you recognize that your habit patterns will make it hard for you to go to that nothingness again and again?

Yes,

So sometimes for some people it is very hard and very long.

For some people it is very quick.

Yeah,

Do not compare.

Yeah,

Sometimes it is hard and long.

That's okay.

My habits keep coming up.

That's okay.

Yes,

I will not give up.

I will again and again I will again and again just go to my true swaroopa.

The clearer you understand that on the level of the mind you can be described in negative terms only,

The quicker you will come to the end of your search and realize your limitless being.

Yeah,

Highlight this.

I can be described in negative terms only.

Means what?

I am not ekta the friend.

I am not ekta the advaitin teacher.

I am not ekta the family member,

The daughter.

Yeah,

The spouse.

I am not ekta the professional.

I am not this.

I am not this.

I am not this.

I am not this.

And what am I?

Oh,

That sense of I.

Look,

Is it continuous?

No,

I cannot even describe it as continuous.

And then that also drops.

Oh,

I am not I.

I am not I.

Aha.

And you come to that formlessness,

That nothingness,

That shunyata which cannot be described in terms.

I am not I.

When you become very clear,

He says,

That you can be described only in negative terms,

Then your search will quickly end.

Last question for you.

Homework question.

Has my search ended yet?

Have I realized my limitless being yet?

Clear?

So what is the only self-effort on this path?

To drop the this and the that.

That's it.

Yeah,

That's how you recognize,

Oh,

I am not the doer.

I am not the experiencer even.

I am not I.

I am not I.

Clear?

10 on 10.

You cannot remember because there is nothing.

That when you say nothing,

It is in reference to the dream state and the waking state worlds or people or situations or things or thoughts or feelings or sensations.

None of that is there in the deep sleep state.

I,

The consciousness,

Am there.

I,

The consciousness,

Understand because knowing happens at my level,

At consciousness level.

I know that there is nothing.

So when there is nothing,

There is nothing,

There is no possibility of storing.

Even if we say the mind would have been there,

It's not there.

But let's say hypothetically,

The mind would have been there and it,

Its function of being able to even save that.

What would it save?

Empty file.

Nothing.

Empty file.

Empty folder.

Do you get it?

When you see an empty folder,

What do you do?

Oh,

It's unnecessarily there to confuse me.

Let me delete it.

Do you see this?

So mind is not there,

But even hypothetically,

If the mind were there and had the function to save that,

It would save an empty file.

It would say nothing.

Because the waking state is not continuous 16 to 18 hours.

Like Maharaj says,

There are gaps.

There are gaps.

I,

The consciousness,

Am there,

But the waking state and the person called Ekta that belongs to this waking state is not always there.

And those are the gaps.

Yes,

There are moments when there is no Ekta,

The person.

There is no waking state.

There's a boof.

There's nothing.

That is why there is no ability to even save anything.

All you say,

I was gone.

I was not there.

Or maybe I was daydreaming.

Or maybe I went to sleep.

You know,

You say maybe,

Maybe.

You create a story because you don't have a hard,

Strong evidence to say this is what happened in the gap because there's nothing in the gap.

Yeah,

That's when you recognize,

I,

The consciousness,

Am there.

Because I know the existence of the gap.

I know the gap happened.

I cannot deny that.

I may be an unaware person.

However,

Unaware the person is,

The person knows that there are times when he's gone.

And he says,

Oh no,

I had gone somewhere.

I was absorbed.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I don't know what I was doing.

So,

Even the most unaware person knows about the existence of the gaps.

But he does not have enough evidence to back it up.

He does not have any intelligent statement to make about nothing.

What can you make about nothing?

Nothing.

That's when you recognize,

Aha,

I am the gap.

I am that which is there in the gap.

I am consciousness.

So,

Those who are not there yet,

Make that effort to recognize what Bambir is saying.

I am Brahman is recognizable in the gaps of the waking state.

It's not even I exist.

It's just I am.

Yeah,

Just is-ness.

Is-ness,

Yes.

There is no sense of I also.

No.

The I thought is missing in that.

Yeah,

I feel like I exist in that particular space but there is no big I-ness that I am here.

Nothing like that.

Just nothingness but with a very subtle,

Soft M-ness.

Okay,

I am still here.

Is that correct?

Yes.

And I have observed that between two dreams also.

Like one dream end and before the beginning of the second dream,

There is obviously nothingness but then just before,

Like a few moments,

I don't know how to even say it in a moment,

Like just before the next dream starts,

First there is this okay I'm here and now and then all of a sudden I become the character and then like I'm in the dream and the dream character and then the whole thing is me but when the dream ends also there is a slight lingering of this M-ness before whatever next proceeds.

Yes.

Yes,

But still you are confusing the sense of I.

The sense of I comes first and then the dream is projected.

Yeah.

Yeah,

So you are recognizing that I arise first and then the projection of the dream.

Yeah,

So you become very clear.

There is no sense of I where we are talking about just pure consciousness.

Okay,

Makes sense.

Okay,

I'll keep practicing.

I don't know how to even practice it.

Just be aware of it.

Just sleep.

Nothing.

Just when lying down in the night,

Very simply,

I do not sleep.

It is only the body-mind that sleeps.

Just a reminder.

Simple.

Then lie down.

That's it.

Nothing you have to do.

But even during the daytime when you observe this,

Everything just sort of vanishes,

Become nil and white,

I would say.

Yes,

Yes,

Yes.

But there is the M-ness and that's it and then again something comes up and everything all of a sudden start together and that character and world is and world is not the same.

That understanding is definitely there that it is not different and they both come up together.

They both dissolve together.

Perfect.

And to some point,

I feel like there is no both.

It's one punch punch.

Yes,

Yes,

Yes.

Super.

Ten on ten.

Very nice.

So those who still don't see this,

This is your practice for this week.

Can I recognize that the personality and the world suddenly appear and suddenly disappear?

Yeah.

Still the waking state.

In the waking state,

The person disappears.

The world disappears.

Yeah.

It happens automatically,

Naturally.

Can I keep recognizing this and dive deeper?

Because this is just the first state.

Now,

Recognizing that the I is the beginning of the person.

That is the key.

The sense of I,

Then the I attaches to the thought and says,

I am Ekta,

Which is a thought first and then is the experience of the sensation called the body,

The physical body.

So this whole thing is the personality.

This whole thing is the person.

The sense of I,

The thought called Ekta and the sensation,

The heavy sensation of the body called Ekta.

This is the person.

This arises together and along with the perception.

Perception is nothing but the world.

Perception of the body,

I see this body and the world happens together.

Yeah.

This is very easy to see.

What I miss seeing is the I.

The sense of I also came up along with the whole thing together.

So perception,

Sensation,

Thought and the sense of I all happen together.

Yeah.

Who knows if all this is one package,

There is something beyond,

No?

Which knows the whole package that sees this whole package appear and disappear.

This is a package deal.

It cannot be one or the other.

Ekta just explains it sequentially so I understand it.

But really it is one package.

The package appears and disappears.

Oh,

I am this awareness that knows this package appearing and disappearing.

So if you recognize this person and the world is one and the same,

One little intricate observation needs to be added to it is,

Oh the sense of I happened along with the person.

The sense of I and the world is one and the same.

Very clear what I'm telling you?

What is your homework?

Yeah.

So throughout the week we will keep practicing wherever with friends,

With family,

At work.

Can I recognize this package appearing,

Disappearing,

Appearing,

Disappearing,

Appearing,

Disappearing in office?

In the middle of a conference,

Big conference call,

Big conference meeting,

So many people sitting together.

The package appears and disappears.

Recognizing this.

It's fun but to really have this fun what do you need to do?

Be more antarmukhi.

If you are too bahirmukhi,

Lost in your conference world,

You will assume from memory that I was continuous.

I was continuously sitting at that conference table with all the people.

You will be lost in memory if you are bahirmukhi.

If you are antarmukhi,

You will observe the appearance and disappearance of the package.

Is this becoming clear?

That's why I insist that before the session you must come online one hour before and meditate.

Why?

Because that one hour it takes for the mind to just empty out all the nonsense,

All the rubbish that has happened during the week and then you actually get focused and ready to dive into such high knowledge.

Because we cannot do this continuously,

Right?

If you were in an ashram,

You would not be exposed to the distractions of the world so much.

In an ashram,

The continuity is perfect but we have to do this remote because we are householders.

So what is important?

The one hour meditation before.

Even if you're not able to meditate,

You just come online and sit.

That sitting is emptying out really.

The emptying out happens automatically.

The mind gets prepared in that one hour to absorb this level of knowledge.

It gets deeper from here.

You're seeing how deep Maharaj is just at chapter 18.

A beginner would be totally like what's going on here?

What are we talking about?

Do you get it?

So it gets deeper and deeper.

See that you're very committed to that one hour before.

Just come and sit and let all the thoughts that are coming,

Let them come,

Let them go.

Empty it out.

Willingly let it empty out.

So you get prepared for something so profound.

Even if you miss one or two sentences,

You realize how you lose out.

Suddenly in another chapter,

You hear Ekta saying that Maharaj used this word few chapters ago.

How did I miss it?

Because of this.

So we should be very clear about our goal.

If our goal is too much of the world,

Then maybe you're in the wrong batch.

This is a Gurukul batch.

So please consider that.

So your practice for this week is I am not I.

Again and again and again.

You see that you look very serious this week because this is super intense.

Every night before sleeping,

I have to remind myself I do not sleep.

The body-mind sleeps.

Then only you're actually doing Swapna Nidra,

Jnana Sadhana.

Otherwise it will not happen.

Being able to see this truth is more important than just rushing through chapters.

Ensure that I see it experientially.

It's not theoretical for me.

That is for you to ensure.

Okay.

Let's see that you send me your journals and send me your homework this week.

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