Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.
I'm Dr.
Robert Puff.
Many years ago when I was being trained at the VA hospital in Sepulveda,
California,
I had the opportunity to work with a lot of people who were having very difficult lives.
And I think many of us,
If we just heard about them and what they had done or how they were acting,
We wouldn't like them.
We would judge them and we would have a lot of animosity for the choices they had made in life.
But one of the benefits of working there was I got to get to know these people,
Talk to them,
Spend time with them,
And find out about their story.
These men and women had made choices that put them,
In our culture,
At the bottom of the barrel.
They were living on the street.
They were drug addicts,
Alcoholics.
They were in and out of prison.
They had made very poor choices in their lives so that our culture,
People that I knew,
Including me,
Judged them.
And we judged them harshly.
But thankfully,
I got to spend two years working there.
And more than just knowing what they'd done to hurt themselves and others,
I got to know their whole story,
Their background.
And what I found was,
When I really took the time to know these people,
There was a story.
And more importantly,
Once I'd heard their story,
I learned to love them.
I wasn't trying to excuse their behavior and say what they did didn't matter.
It did.
They hurt people.
Often they hurt a lot of people.
But,
When I really took the time to hear their story,
I realized that their story didn't take away from them being people worthy of love.
It more importantly helped me understand how they got there and how they ended up making these choices that hurt a lot of people,
Including themselves.
But by listening to their story,
I learned to love them.
And I'm so thankful for that time.
One man,
Let's call him Joe,
He was just such an angry,
Bitter man.
Anytime I met with him,
He'd always say,
I hate my life.
I want to die.
I just want to die.
And he was never smiling.
He was always angry at everyone and himself.
And the main words that came out of his mouth were,
I just want to die.
I just want to die.
I remember when I was in session with him,
He would say,
This is stupid.
Why am I here?
I don't want to be here.
Let me go.
Let me go.
He had a habit of repeating himself,
But he meant it.
He just hated his life.
He just wanted to die.
And everything about life was putrid to him.
But I got to know him.
I got to know his story.
And I got to spend time with him.
And believe it or not,
With time,
I do believe we've developed a friendship for each other.
And though he still wanted to die,
He wasn't as angry when he was with me.
But here's what I learned.
He had been married for many years and he deeply,
Deeply loved his wife.
But he had been an angry man because of his childhood and because of being in the war.
And during that time,
He took out his anger on his wife and she ended up committing suicide.
And it was so hard on him.
He loved her so much,
He didn't realize what he was doing.
And when she died,
He just wanted to die too.
He was so sorry for the way that he hurt her,
But it was too late for him.
She had passed.
And he just wanted to die.
He didn't live a long time after that because he was older and had a lot of health issues.
But I do remember seeing him smile sometimes when we met.
And even though he always said,
I just want to die,
Let me die,
Sometimes we would laugh together.
And because we had shared his story together,
He had felt heard,
Listened to.
And though life was still very hard for him,
There were times when his heart smiled.
But if you had met him on the street,
If you run into him at a store,
You would have thought,
What an angry,
Bitter man.
Because he would say things that were very offensive.
And the words that came out of his mouth were often vile and hateful.
But because I knew his story,
I understood where this hate came from.
And it wasn't there to excuse his behavior,
But it helped me to understand his behavior.
We've probably all known people like Joe in our lives.
People that are hateful,
That are angry,
That are bitter,
And the words that come out of their mouth really cause so much damage.
But,
Once we know their story,
It really can be helpful to at least understand them,
And perhaps even love them.
There was another man I worked with,
And he was such a beautiful soul.
He was so kind,
He was so gentle,
And I really liked him.
But he was so sad,
And he struggled with severe addictions.
And he clearly hated his life,
And the way that he was living.
So I couldn't understand it.
How did this beautiful soul have such self-loathing?
And then I got to hear his story.
He told me that he had been to Vietnam,
And seeing such horrific things,
It caused him nightmares.
It created a lot of fear and anxiety inside of him.
But when he came back,
He had a wife and two beautiful young daughters that he deeply loved.
But because of his struggle with his PTSD,
One night he went out and got completely hammered,
And he didn't come home.
And then the next day when he woke up and realized what he had done,
He felt so ashamed,
And he knew that if he went home,
That his family would be so mad at him and upset.
So he stayed away.
And then he told me that one day turned into a week.
And then that week turned into a month.
And then that month turned into a year.
And that year turned into ten years.
And when I met him,
He said there was never a day,
Never a moment,
When he wouldn't think about his wife and his two beautiful daughters that he missed so deeply.
But there was so much shame now that he had abandoned his family,
That he had become a deadbeat dad,
And that if he ever called them or reached out to them,
There would just be pure hate towards him.
And he just couldn't handle that.
So he chose to stay away,
Even though staying away caused him so much suffering.
Now you may listen to these two stories and know someone like them,
Or perhaps even be the recipient of someone that caused you so much pain because they were like Joe or Mark.
I'm in no way excusing their behavior.
I'm in no way trying to encourage you to forget your hurt and what they did to you.
It is important that we work through our hurt when people hurt us.
But I also think part of finding our joy and happiness in life is to do two things.
One is to work towards healing.
We need to heal.
Unless we heal from the people that hurt us,
It's very hard to find peace and happiness in our hearts.
But the second thing is,
We need to forgive.
That doesn't mean in any way we let them in or allow them to hurt us ever again.
But we need to forgive.
And I have found that understanding is often a really good way to help us forgive.
When we learn a person's story,
I think then we can better understand how everything unfolded the way it did.
There's such a tendency in us when we meet someone and we look at them to judge them.
But I deeply believe that if we knew their story,
If we had walked in their shoes throughout our lives,
If they had walked in their life,
That perhaps we would find that the choices they made,
That the struggles that they were having,
Made some sense.
And it just wasn't pure evil.
Because they were just awful human beings.
Yes,
Things that people do can be awful,
But it doesn't mean they are awful.
Their behavior is awful,
But they aren't.
Every person is worthy of love.
Every person is lovable.
Not the behavior,
But the person.
The person is just a response to life events.
We make different choices.
Different things unfold in our lives.
And because of this,
We often go down different paths.
And sometimes these paths lead towards hurting others.
But,
We are still human beings.
And though we've made choices,
Choices that can hurt others,
At our core,
There is still something worthy of love there.
I remember when I was working on my doctorate,
One of my favorite professors said something so wise once.
The school that I was in was in Pasadena,
California.
And there were a lot of homeless people near the school.
When we walked outside,
We often would run into one.
I remember him saying that every one of those people that are homeless had a mother that loved them and held them.
And now,
They were homeless,
But they started off being loved.
We all are loved.
And I believe lovable.
Yes,
We make choices that are difficult.
Sometimes ones that can be really hurtful to others.
But,
We are still worthy of love.
And if others knew our story,
Or we knew other people's story,
I think we would be softer and more gentle towards others.
And the thing I've found in my own work,
Helping people now for decades,
Is that if people truly want to get well and heal from traumas in their past,
The last thing they have to do is forgive.
They have to forgive the person that hurt them.
It doesn't mean they ever have to say anything to that person.
But in their heart,
Forgiveness is the path towards healing.
So,
As we live our lives,
As we run into the marks and the jewels of our life,
Perhaps we'll pause and think,
I don't know why they do what they do,
But I bet if I knew their story,
I could find more compassion and love for them.
And then also,
The most beautiful thing will happen if we decide to go down this journey of loving thy neighbor,
Is that when we mess up,
When we make mistakes,
Which we do,
Perhaps we'll be a little softer towards ourselves and say,
I know others may judge me for what I did,
But if they knew my story,
Maybe then too,
I could find love from others,
Or at least learn to love myself,
Even with my mistakes.
The love is for others.
The love is for ourselves.
And perhaps we'll find that there isn't anyone we can't love once we've heard their story.
Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.
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And until next time,
Accept what is,
Love what is.
