Hi,
I'm so glad you're here.
I want to talk to you today about something that changed everything for me as a parent and honestly as a human being.
That's the idea of repair.
Now I know it might sound really simple and maybe even obvious but stay with me because the way most of us were taught to apologize is not actually repair.
So let me paint you a picture for a moment.
Let's say it's Tuesday morning and you're already running late.
Your six-year-old is moving at the speed of molasses and you've asked them 17 times to put their shoes on and then you just lose it.
Why can't you listen?
We're always late because of you.
And your child's face falls.
Maybe they cry.
Maybe they shut down.
Immediately you feel it.
That gut punch of guilt.
Those thoughts that I'm a terrible parent.
I shouldn't have said that.
So later you mutter,
Sorry I yelled and you move on because that's what apologies are,
Right?
Well,
Not quite.
What I've learned from my own research and my own messy parenting journey is that repair isn't only about seeing sorry.
It's about rebuilding the bridge.
And our kids are not keeping score of how many times we mess up.
They're more watching to see if and how we come back.
The ruptures are going to happen.
You're going to have days where you're touched out,
Burned out,
Running on fumes.
You're going to say things you don't mean and react instead of respond.
But that's not a parenting failure.
That's simply being a human.
So the real question is what happens next?
Do you minimize it?
Tell yourself it wasn't that bad?
Do you defend it and say well you weren't listening?
Do you avoid it?
Pretend that it didn't happen and just hope that they forget?
Or do you repair?
A real repair would look like this.
You go to your child and you get on their level physically.
You look them in the eye and you say something like,
Hey can I talk to you about this morning?
When I yelled at you about your shoes that wasn't okay.
You were just being a kid and I spoke to you in a way that probably felt really scary.
I was stressed about being late but that's not your fault.
I'm sorry.
You deserve to be spoken to kindly even when I'm in a hurry.
You name what you did.
You acknowledge how it might have felt for them.
You take responsibility without any excuses and you don't ask them to make you feel better about it.
And that's repair.
Here's why it matters so much.
When we repair with our kids we're teaching them that relationships can handle conflict.
That people they love will make mistakes and that's okay because they come back.
We're teaching them that emotions are manageable.
Even the big scary ones.
Even moms and dads.
We're teaching them that they are worthy of apology.
That their feelings matter and they deserve to be treated with respect.
And maybe the most important thing is that we're teaching them how to be in relationship with other humans.
Because one day your kid is going to mess up with a friend,
A partner,
A colleague,
And they're going to have a choice to avoid,
Defend,
Minimize,
Or repair.
And what they choose will depend in large part on what you modeled.
Now you might be thinking,
But I've apologized for the same thing ten times.
Doesn't that mean I'm a bad parent?
No,
It means you're a human being who's still learning.
And honestly,
Your willingness to keep repairing,
Even when it feels repetitive,
Is exactly what your child needs to see.
Repair isn't about being perfect,
But it's about being consistent in your willingness to reconnect.
So here's my invitation to you.
This month,
Practice repair.
Not perfect parenting,
But repair.
The next time you snap,
Or dismiss,
Or react,
Or replace of stress,
Instead of intention,
Pause.
Breathe,
And then go back.
It's never too late.
Your kid isn't keeping a tally of your mistakes,
They're just hoping you'll come back to them.
And when you do,
That's when the real teaching happens.
That's when trust deepens,
And you get to show them what love actually looks like.
Not perfect,
But persistent.
You've got this.
Thanks for listening.
