Empowered Communication Through Listening With Presence

Are communication breakdowns causing stress and tension in your relationships? Join us to explore how the 3 Principles can enhance your listening skills and empower you to engage in authentic, present communication for deeper connections.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the CalmCast,

A time to feel calm and think clearly.

I'm Clare Downam,

The Queen of Calm,

A Transformational Life Coach.

I was a burnt out head teacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying and I want to prevent you from having to do the same.

The CalmCast is a series of short explorations,

Gently guiding you back to your natural state,

Which is calm and clarity.

Just listen like you would listen to music,

With an open mind and curiosity.

There's nothing else to do.

Now let's relax into today's episode.

So today we're exploring communication,

But more so that the receiving of communication from other people rather than our deliverance of things to other people.

So we're looking really at listening with presence.

And there's a few things that come to mind around this.

And the first thing is,

I don't know who said this,

But there was a quote once I heard that said that,

You know,

You should be listening and speaking in proportion to the way your face is created,

I.

E.

You've got two ears and one mouth.

So if you can get into a two to one ratio between listening and speaking,

You'd probably be on the right lines.

But also,

I think there's something really key for me here that's transformed hugely since my journey with The Three Principles,

And that is my ability to listen.

For long,

Long periods now I notice.

So I was an interrupter,

And I still do sometimes,

But nowhere near as much as I used to.

And the other thing that I used to observe about me when I was listening was that I was listening more to the commentary on somebody else's words in my head than what they were actually saying.

And that I was creating those stories around what they were saying,

You know,

Interpreting beyond their words,

But in a quite unhelpful way.

And I think where this has changed or how it has changed really is just through awareness.

Now,

I had a really interesting experience when I was introduced to The Three Principles.

So when I was introduced to The Three Principles,

I was halfway through an NLP,

A neurolinguistic programming course,

Which I had started.

It was about a 10-week course,

I think,

And I think I literally had started it five weeks before coming across The Three Principles.

And just after coming across The Three Principles and starting to get into that,

We did a unit in the NLP on building rapport,

I think it was,

And there was some work around listening and learning how to listen.

And I remember sitting there listening to all this information about how to,

How to listen better,

How to communicate better,

How to build rapport,

Which leg should be crossed over which leg in relation to what the other person is doing with their legs,

All the stuff around body language.

And what came to mind then,

But even more strongly now,

Is that that,

All that instruction on how to listen,

How to communicate,

How to build rapport,

Is just a whole heap of noise.

And in actual fact,

When we're in the space beneath the noise,

We listen naturally,

Not all the time.

I notice sometimes I'm listening to somebody and I float off.

My attention span has grown incredibly through this exploration of The Three Principles,

But I can still,

I'm a fidget,

I'm usually,

While I'm talking to somebody,

Playing with my little piece of blue tack under the desk.

I do,

I have in the past found it difficult to be still and to listen and to not speak and to not put in,

But these days I notice the urge and it feels like an urge,

Doesn't it?

You know when you're listening to somebody and that urge comes up?

It's actually not a nice feeling,

I've realised just now as I'm talking to you about it.

It's got that urgency to it.

You need to hear what I've got to say kind of urgency.

I need to interrupt you so I can just insert this point that I need to make right now just after that point you've made because it will only fit there and if I don't make it,

It's not going to fit and I'll sound irrelevant.

And I can now observe that coming and going,

Especially when I'm teaching the three principles,

When I'm mentoring and coaching from this understanding.

There is a huge urge to share because I'm passionate about it but because somebody will say something and I go,

Oh I can see the misunderstanding right now,

Got to get in there,

Got to butt in and tell them where their misunderstanding is around how their experience is being created and must do it now.

But what's really interesting is that when they do stop speaking,

When they reach the end of what they want to share,

There's always something there for me to say or sometimes there's some quiet.

Now what I've spoken about so far is really around my conversations in coaching but all of that is applicable to all our conversations and one of the things,

One of the words that comes to mind is assumption.

I would get,

In the past I would get,

Somebody would get partway through what they were saying and I'd assume I know what they were about to say and almost either finish the sentence or finish the sentence in my head and then provide my wisdom on what they've said or my argument against what they've said or my challenge to it,

Invariably it would have been a challenge to it.

So all these things that I'm pointing out here are just spaces for awareness,

Spaces for noticing but always from a place of non-judgment.

In this unit,

This exploration,

Whatever you want to call it,

Around relationships,

Self-compassion is so important.

Yes,

Sometimes we're going to notice that feeling of urgency to speak and that need to share what we want to say and sometimes we won't notice it and sometimes we'll speak or interrupt or not listen.

So it's always,

Always just about awareness and curiosity and experimentation.

When you're listening to somebody,

What do you notice about what's going on in your head?

What do you notice about your fluctuating sensations,

Emotions in your body?

Is there feelings of urgency to say something rather than listen?

And I guess as well,

Is there enough curiosity about the other person?

That's one of the things I've noticed growing as I have looked towards this concept of separate realities where somebody has a view of the world that I find very different,

Shall we say,

To mine and I'm becoming increasingly curious about that,

Wanting more and more to understand what is it that you're seeing about the world that I'm not seeing?

Where is your perspective different to mine?

Where is your reality different to mine?

And that space of curiosity,

I think,

Opens up a space for listening,

A desire to listen and whether that's in a relationship with a client,

A friend,

A partner,

Child,

Parent,

Friend,

Whoever it is in your life,

Doesn't really matter.

But when somebody says something to us or does something,

It's all too easy,

Isn't it,

To judge that,

To think it's wrong,

To just counteract it with what we need to say.

But what happens when we just ask curious questions?

Tell me more about what your thoughts are on that.

Tell me more about your worldview.

Tell me more about why you think that's right.

And I find that that kind of questioning and the listening that goes with it reveals a whole load of things that I had no idea were how people saw the world and it's really helpful.

It's really helpful.

And it's helpful in terms of our compassion for the other person,

But I tell you what,

It's helpful in terms of us getting the best out of somebody else.

It's helpful in terms of us navigating life with other people and trying to rub along in a kind of win-win scenario because isn't that what we all want in our relationships?

Isn't that what we want our communication to lead to?

We want it to lead to peace,

Don't we,

Between other people.

We want it to lead to loving relationships,

Calm relationships.

That's where we want to go,

Don't we?

And so in conclusion,

Really,

It's awareness,

Non-judgmental awareness is what brings about the ability to listen with presence.

It's just noticing when you're not and not,

As I keep saying,

In a,

Oh,

I shouldn't be doing that,

Oh,

That's awful.

Not in that way,

Just in a,

Okay,

Just noticing now,

I'm thinking about my shopping list while this person's pouring that out to me or I'm thinking I need to fix them or whatever I might be thinking or I might not even notice what I'm thinking,

I'll just notice I'm not really listening,

I'm off somewhere else and that's okay too.

And then it's just gently bringing yourself back to this moment,

To this person in front of you and to the words coming out of their mouth.

We're living in such a busy world now and one of the,

I can't remember which three principles teacher said it,

But they said,

It might have been Elsie Spittel,

Somebody said,

Everybody just needs a good listening to,

Not a talking to,

A listening to.

And that is a route to wonderful relationships.

So I really enjoyed that.

I hope you did.

I hope you heard something there that was helpful.

I am often live on Insight Timer sharing these kinds of things,

Everything from a three principles perspective.

I've got four courses on there too,

So please follow me and explore that.

And I hope to bump into you at some point,

Perhaps on one of my lives,

Perhaps on one of my courses where we can,

You know,

You can interact with me and ask me questions on both those platforms.

So I hope to see you there.

Take care.

Thank you so much for listening.

There's nothing to do now,

But bring some awareness to how this is working out in your life.

Listen regularly to experience longer and longer periods of calm.

This has been the Calmcast with Claire Downer,

Queen of Calm.

Take care and keep listening.