Emotional Validation And The Inner Child

Here's a short story about an interaction with my son that illustrates the value of emotional validation over trying to solve or fix someone else's emotion (or your own). In any moment, you can view your own inner child in this way and offer emotional validation instead of trying to take the feeling away.

Transcript

Just the other night. It was sort of sad that my son was all of a sudden upset. About possibly being on the naughty list, Santa's naughty list. He was saying. I'm a bad boy and I'm on Santa's naughty list and I'm not going to get any presents. And I felt the urge to try to just make him feel better, To reassure him. Oh, You'll definitely get presents. You've gotten presents every year so far. I promise you, You'll get presents for Christmas. But this wasn't working. I was trying to reassure him to change the way he was feeling. I was trying to take away. His sad feelings. Partially, I think, Via my own discomfort with him having that feeling. I wanted to take it away to. . . Ease him but also to, I think, Ease myself. And then all of a sudden I remember the possibility for something different. What you might call emotional validation. Which is to not try to fix the problem or do anything about it or to try to make the person feel different at all. Rather just to validate the emotion. And so I was realizing this was not working. And so then I shift it into. Something more like Oh man, So it feels like you're on Santa's naughty list? What do you think about it? What's that like? I don't think I said it quite like that, But it was just validating and saying, Sort of indulging the sad fantasy that he might possibly be on Santa's naughty list and just kind of going along with it. And then that suddenly shifted everything. The sadness kind of stopped. And he moved into just telling me about it a little bit. And then we quickly sort of found ourselves on something else. The feeling kind of just dissolved and went away. And it was via the shift. Oh man, That sounds really hard. I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way. Um, That sucks. And then just to kind of have that understood and reflected oftentimes maybe is the most powerful thing you can do for a feeling. And so this is not only for someone else. But it's also really for yourself and for your own inner child who might often have an experience like this. And you might want to do so many things to make the feeling go away or to distract from the feeling. Just like you might with a child. Oh, What about this? Let's go do this. Let's play this game. To take away from that feeling. Maybe it feels scary or maybe it feels like you just can't do anything about it. But sometimes just to notice it and to validate it is the most powerful thing. There's one way to describe it, Which is like. . . Just being in the mud. With the other person. There's a person who's stuck in the mud and everyone's trying to pull them out and it's really just making it worse. It's not working. But then one person just decides to go down and get in the mud with the other person. And that makes it totally different. The other person all of a sudden feels just a little bit better because there's someone here with me. So the option to not always have to pull someone out of the mud, Including yourself. And to just be in the mud together for a little while. So I just thought I'd share that experience with you and try to remind myself. To relate to him like that, My son. As much as I can and to relate to others and certainly the people that I work with in my therapeutic work. But also myself. Sometimes the option just to be in the mud. With yourself, With others and simply validate the reality of the feeling.

Reviews

How refreshing❗️ “Emotional Validation”… This is a term I intend to add to my vocabulary and give more consideration to! VERY Enlightening! Thank you. 🙏🏻💕

Charles,
It's universal, I think, when we are raising our children, to immediately try to "fix" anything that hurts or upsets them or isn't an ideal situation. That is completely understandable. They are small and vulnerable, and our love for them is unmeasureable. I can remember many times shedding tears of heartbreak for what I couldn't "protect" my daughter from as she grew, and learned the world had some very hard realities.
I often forgot to apply skills I'd learned in life, to help manage thoughts, feelings, and emotions, to my child. I used them reflexively with other adults, but with my little one, the "Mama Bear" took over first. I did improve over time, as being a parent is a learning experience for us all. Once I began looking at her as a tiny person, rather than just "my baby", it got easier.
I'm writing all this to say, Good Job Dad! I know how it feels for you, and I applaude your parenting. Your love and exceptional care of your son are obvious to all of us that watch your videos.
The idea of the person stuck in the mud really resonates with me. You're correct, many times we just need validation. Once we are validated, processing and releasing become easier.
Brightest Blessings,
Mary 🙏✨️💗

Willingness to get into the mud and validate the feeling. I've also heard about the work of a therapist, to be willing to "stand in the fire" with someone "without putting the fire out." Thank you, Charles.

Thank you for sharing this. It helps to feel validated, for sure. Namaste🙏

I highly recommend this one!

Practical wisdom that makes a difference in real life situations ❤️